I called CPS on Sons girlfriend with new baby today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by detachingmother, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Not sure if I should put this here in the substance abuse section. But it has to do with my son's baby's mother and it's my son's drug abuse that got us here, so here it is.

    Got a call from Gfs mother today that the girlfriend and her sister had a physical fight. The sister was trying to stop girlfriend from yelling at the newborn baby. The girlfriend was trying to change the baby and had trouble with the tabs. The baby wet on the bed and sheets, then girlfriend yelled at that and yelled toward the baby. girlfriend, according to the mother has been losing her temper often with baby. For everything from the baby is crying and needs a bottle, to the baby is wet, the baby did this or that, it's so very sad. This poor little sweet baby surely just needs love and attention. My heart is broken having no control.

    Then, the sister got involved and tried to calm down girlfriend whereupon girlfriend physically attacked the sister. The sister called 911. The cops came, then the women all changed their story and said nothing happened or something along those lines. Cops left.

    GFs mom calls me. Tells me all of this, saying how disgusted she is with girlfriend (her daughter), told me a bunch of sad things about how her daughter is treating baby. I have been trying for days to just play the "I know it's hard, please let me help, you all need a break...." I said, listen, we all agree girlfriend isn't doing well.... Please let me come get the baby and take her for a few days so you can all have a break, even baby (so I could figure out what to do). The sister got on the phone and told me to go to hell. That I would never ever get to bring the baby to my house. Mind you I have never done a thing to these people but try to be helpful. There is zero drama at my home. No fighting, no drugs, no chaos, etc...

    Sister proceeds to tell me she is going to get full custody of the baby and for me to go to hell again. I totally lost all sense of anything good, yelled at her and her mother. Up until now, since I've know them the past year, they have not seen this side of me, but I gave up....it wasn't sinking in....anyway, yelling gets one no where...I gave up. Hung up. Dialed CPS and told CPS what has been going on since the third day the baby was home. Baby is not even 6 weeks old yet. Told them all of what the mother told me, all of what the father has been telling me, all of what I've heard and seen about her mental illness and past domestic violence record...and about what happened today, 911 was called because she attacked her own sister bc sister was trying to protect the baby from girlfriend yelling at her for peeing on the bed and bed sheet.

    I doubt CPS will do a damn thing but the ball is rolling this way too...basically, the three women in that home are all going at each other's throats. None of the family is capable of dealing with GFs mental illness. Now, girlfriend has been diagnosed with not only severe anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Bi-Polar, but on top of it all, PostPartum depression, and something else I can't keep up.

    CPS does nothing unless the kids are bruised, battered, etc it seems...

    I am still stuck bc affidavit of parentage isn't completed yet.

    My hands are tied and I am sick to my very soul and heart over this....

    GFs dad is begging me to do something...that guy is beside himself while these women, girlfriend in particular controls and holds hostage emotionally (and sometimes physically) the entire family. girlfriend has physically attacked each and every one of them. It's not a stretch to envision the baby being hurt in the middle of her attacks. Its so toxic.

    I am praying now I haven't made things worse, but I have a sinking feeling I did.

    Also, I am so confused as to why this mother of hers keeps calling me to "tattle" knowing damn well my hands are currently tied. I mean, all I can do is say I will come pick up the baby to help and when they refuse what am I supposed to do...it's insane. It's making me insane.

    I know I did the right thing by calling CPS but at what cost. Now I probably just ruined what little bit I get to see baby....only at their house when it's convenient for them, and so far almost always in the middle of conflict.

    I hope this doesn't backfire now. Son is now mad at me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't....back to almost feeling like why am I doing this...

    ...my poor grand child sweet baby girl...:(
     
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Big warm hugs, DM. You've already called CPS, so there's no point in second guessing yourself. I think it would be better for you not to speak to girlfriend's parents about what girlfriend is doing or not doing. I think I would be saying to them, "If you need me to watch the baby for awhile, I can do that. I cannot discuss what your daughter is doing with you. If you need help with her, call social services (or county mental health, insert appropriate government agency here)" You are getting sucked into the craziness because you love that grandchild.

    Nothing feeds that drama like witnesses. If you want to stay sane yourself, you're going to have to not discuss the crazies with them. You are going to have to practice detachment with the whole dang family.

    I feel for the baby girl. She was born into a chaotic world. I hope one day you will be able to show her a calm, loving home, even if it is only for visits. But that day isn't today.

    :hugs:
     
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  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that you did the right thing.

    ~Kathy
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You absolutely did the right thing!! In my work life I had a lot of contact with CPS. You get great workers and lousy workers. They should investigate given your call. Hopefully they will and will do a good job, and the family may come together and make things look ok. You let them know there was a serious issue for the baby's safety and that is all you can really do. It is their job to try and protect that child. You know you did what you had to do.....If something happens to the baby you at least know you did what you could. This is heartbreaking I know.
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sometimes one has no options except to respond to that which is immediately at hand. You did. You did the right and only action required by a responsible adult.

    There is no way to know what this will lead to. Nobody can act correctly in the moment while trying to achieve a desired outcome...that is contingent upon a million other yet unknown decisions and influences. We, any of us, can only at best do what you did, decide correctly in the moment.
     
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I wanted to add something. My son was removed from the care of his birth parents when he was 2 weeks old, because of the same kinds of concerns.

    And then, he spent the next 22 months of his life in a crisis nursery. It was looking bleak. And then, guess what? I showed up. And loved him with all of my heart and soul.
     
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  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Good, now it's in the system. Call every time something is seriously wrong. They do keep records and can see if this becomes a pattern. At some point, they may do something and will take previous issues into consideration.
     
  8. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Oh I am so sorry, this beautiful baby born into this chaos and madness. YOU did the right thing. The baby is first priority over everyone else's feelings and opinions. Keep records for court. I agree if Mom of girlfriend calls again, keep it brief, give her numbers to get help for daughter and the baby.

    It sounds to me like everyone in the family knows there is an issue with the girlfriend but no one has the balls to do anything about it- I suspect they are afraid because she gets physical, has rages, etc.

    Keep us posted. Prayers over that little baby.
     
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry DM that you are going through this, it is a whole different way of being a grandparent. In Hawaii, CPS involves Catholic Charities who offer counseling. The system is certainly overtaxed, not enough workers, too many cases.
    Still, I think you did the right thing. What if something happened and you didn't call?
    You have received some good advice, especially about detaching from the chaos. It grates on the soul. I know your intentions are noble, to keep an ear and eye on that precious baby, but in the long run, crazy is as crazy does, who can rationalize with it?
    On Gm and girlfriend calling you, using you to vent but not doing a damn thing about the situation, they are literally making you emotionally shoulder the load, dangling the carrot but you are not allowed to pick up the baby. This is extremely punishing and unfair. It is as if they want to keep you tied to the chaos, and your hands are tied at the same time. They push you to carry the burden of informing authorities, which in my opinion is their responsibility since they are eyewitnesses.
    I know how vexing and frustrating this can be, having gone through it with three grandbabies. Someone else initially called CPS, and we ended up with all three, back then would have raised them, but reunification was CPS goal. We went through group family sessions and all, loved on those babies, only to see them placed back with their parents. It is a hard road. I have called CPS a few times myself with concerns.
    CPS pays a little more attention with babies, not so much when they get older. I would keep calling as the situation warrants.
    My heart goes out to yours as you navigate this. I would suggest going to counseling yourself to receive help keeping your head above the whirlpool of it all. It is so easy to get dragged into the drama without even realizing the toll it takes on you. It is also possibly another witness for the baby, because therapists are mandated to report........
    Malama Pono (take care)
    (((Hugs)))
    Leaf
     
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Oh, honey, there was nothing else you could do.

    That poor babe is an innocent and utterly defenseless, you would have done the same even if this child weren't your grandbaby.

    Just keep trying your best to communicate with them and keep trying to stay in the baby's life.

    Call any time that you feel the baby isn't safe, and what you described is definitely a red flag to me.

    Keep encouraging your son to stay the course. It will be a huge deciding factor in custody.
     
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  11. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Good News!

    CPS did show up the very next morning after I posted the initial post, and by early afternoon I was in the car on the way to pick up grand baby.

    The GFs father stuck close to the home bc he knew I had called. He was there when the CPS worker showed up and verified the validity of everything I told the CPS worker on the phone.

    I picked up the baby and brought her home with me for three days. While CPS didn't demand it, they highly encouraged the girlfriend to let the baby come to my house so that everyone there could get a break, so to speak. Seems she wants to cooperate and this is good for her if she wants to keep herself out of trouble.

    Meanwhile, while I had the baby, the mother of the girlfriend took her straight to the psychiatrist to get another medication cocktail ordered and started. They kept her on xanax, and also ordered Anafranil. This I was unaware that she had been on before and it helps her, according to the family.

    I scratch my head in dismay as to why in the heck she came off medications that were working in everyone's favor in the first place. If she's living with her parents, they need to make that a condition of her staying there. Well, this is what I am working on with the dad and I'm happy he agrees, hence the eviction order father got the other day. I am pretty sure he fully intends to boot her if she doesn't stay on medications.

    Anyway, her father also went to the courthouse and filed an eviction notice on her, not that he will kick her out, if she takes her medications, but if she doesn't take her medications and stay on her medications, she's out and we will make more moves to protect the baby.

    Without her dad on my side, I fear this could be way worse. So I have to keep him on my side. Her dad even showed CPS the door girlfriend broke out of anger, although it was the front door to the house so it wasn't easy to miss and wonder about...

    I was surprised that when I picked up the baby, the girlfriend actually hugged me and said she was very sorry. She wasn't mad, and if she was it didn't show. She had a bag packed perfectly, other than only a few diapers and tiny bit of formula. Ok. No big deal and major progress---I bought everything she needed for my house in short order.

    The GFs mother was cordial, and we had no issues, although I knew she was beyond furious with me for calling CPS. They knew I called, bc I told them I did, and that I would make damn sure I would take every possible avenue to prevent any damage to the baby, physical or psychological.

    I took the baby back to that family saturday night. I think for now we are all going to work together. Although I know it's somewhat of a miracle today, tomorrow they could be right back to crazy land...

    The GFs sister was a different story...she was highly upset (seeing red mad and fought with the family for letting it happen before storming out mad) I took the baby home with me... but, I could care less what she thinks and she better stay out of my way, or else she will find out that my calm demeanor doesn't equal ignorance.

    CPS will be continuing to monitor and make "home visits" to keep an eye on things, at least for now. girlfriend is on her medications and sounds ok. She's much quieter than usual and not blowing up my phone by text lately, which at times can be wicked and very telling of her mental illness. She's quiet and that tells me she's behaving at least in a calmer way.

    I was so happy to have baby in my care for those days. What a blessing and one I wasn't expecting so soon. Now they are planning on letting me pick her up again soon. Yeah me and grand baby.

    Now if she can stay on her medications, this could work. But we all know how this goes, when the person starts to feel better.....buh bye medications are into the toilet. Can't help the pessimism at times.

    Forward progress is all I can ask for and we are in forward motion this week.

    Son on the other hand is on my nerves as he is reminding me of all the money he needs when he gets out of rehab until he can get working again and pay me back. He always makes quick fast money and good money, but before he went to jail and rehab he always blew it all...you know, drugs, compulsive buys, spoiled girlfriend etc...now he's begging me and telling me he will pay me back. so hard to trust him yet...time will tell...

    For now I told him he had to sell his things to get money now. He's going to be staying at my mother's when he gets out, for a bit, while he gets back on his feet....he can sell his expensive TV/other electronics and washer and dryer and/or whatever else, since he's not going to need it at Hotel Gramma for a few months, lol. That's what I told him. Then he got mad and started his rambling and I shut my phone off.

    He can sell his stuff and that's final, and he can buy more in a few months after he's back up and running. In a few days, I suspect he will see it my way and have me post it online to sell.

    Just because there's a baby, he's not off the hook and I am in no way eager to get back to enabling his arse...it's his choices that landed us all into this position....I'm only willing to keep grand baby safe and in my life. Again, time will tell. Always leery of what the future holds...
     
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  12. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Incidentally, looking back over the past few weeks. I see the father wanted all of this done, but he didn't want to be the bad guy. New Leaf sort of eluded to this, but I see this is what happened.

    In a way he was the bad guy anyway, bc they all know he talked to the CPS worker and was not on board with the hen house hens (my bad, can't help a little facetious humor). Kind of a double edged sword for him, however, I feel he has ulterior motives that work in his very own favor, but I won't get into all that...other than to say he wants out all the way around==away from all the hens. ugh...all good though, as it worked for me and grand baby too. Glad he helped me in the process.
     
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    This is all good news. I am really glad you called CPS and they got involved. In my work I have seen CPS do some really good work. They really can keep an eye on things and provide services to the family. So good for you for calling and it sounds like the girlfriends dad has also been worried.
     
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    DM, I am so glad for you and the baby that things are moving in a direction to bring some help and sanity into this situation.
    It is hard when our d cs just don't see the full picture. For me, it was a no-brainer. These babies can't help what they are born into, they are defenseless. Someone has to stand up and shout from the rooftop. You did, and it is a damn good thing. My daughter was mad at me, probably still is, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Too bad if they are mad. Too bad. Too bad.

    This is why it is too bad if they are mad. You did the right thing DM, now that authorities are involved, the mom and her family have to buck up. I hope that this is the beginning of awakening for the mom and a fresh start for this child.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is awesome! I'm really surprised!

    Too bad what d c thinks, to be blunt.
     
  16. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    You did the right thing. The children are the innocent in all of this and we must protect them. Good job! Stay strong!
     
  17. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    I'm so glad that grandbaby girl has you and her grandfather looking out for her. How wonderful that you were able to spend time with her. Keep encouraging the girlfriend to stay on her medications in order to be the best mother she can be.

    :you_go_girl:
     
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  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank goodness that baby has you in her life.
     
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  19. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    That is great news. I am so glad things worked out. Maybe girlfriend realizes that she is overwhelmed in her present state, and is accepting that she needs non crazy help.

    I forgot to say this before, but if the sister who thinks she is getting full custody lives in the bedlam house with all the rest she can forget about that. CPS will move the child out of a dangerous environment.

    I'm so glad that you are getting this chance to bond with your grandbaby. I loved my grandmother dearly. It is a very special bond.
     
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