I can't sleep

[flutterby]

So, the visit with difficult child wasn't pleasant. She spent the first hour and a half of a two hour visit crying saying she "can't be here", that it is "prison", that she "doesn't need to be here", that "they aren't doing anything", that "no one is helping me or doing anything", that she "can't sleep here", she "can't take a shower here", etc, etc, etc. She was begging me to take her home.

It was incredibly difficult.

She said she got yelled at because she didn't eat dinner. I asked her why she didn't eat dinner and she said she couldn't because they served chicken. They do know she is a strict vegetarian, but lines got crossed. And her idea of someone yelling at her is....way off. And she said she's had nothing to eat all day but 4 crackers.

On the way to the psychiatric hospital, I got a phone call from the nurse saying the doctor had seen difficult child and asking me for my consent for the doctor to give difficult child a sudafed for congestion and chapstick. *blink* I didn't realize they were going to ask about *everything*. Chapstick?

difficult child 2's mom asked difficult child how she expected me to fix it when difficult child said she was scared. Then difficult child 2's mom pointed out that she has to learn to fix things herself. Kinda what I was getting at about her wanting me to fix absolutely *everything*. I really wasn't exaggerating.

We saw the day nurse who reminded difficult child that she didn't want her salad at lunch, it was offered to her again at 3pm, and she could have it that evening at snack time. She also reminded difficult child of the things they did do since she had been there, that she had only been there for a few hours and the first 24 hours are the toughest. Honestly, I think difficult child really just had no idea what was going on. It's not unusual for her to get completely lost, especially when her anxiety is so high. Day nurse also told difficult child that contrary to what difficult child's roomie said, they do not "drug kids just for crying". I'm just thinking...great roomie for a kid with some serious paranoia issues.

I spoke to the night nurse about medications for sleep and for PRN's. She asked why difficult child hadn't spoken to psychiatrist about that (inpatient psychiatrist is different from regular psychiatrist). I reminded nurse that this was all new to difficult child, that she didn't know she could ask, and that difficult child had been taking medications for insomnia but d/c them because of side effects. I also told nurse that I had spoken to regular therapist about that and she said inpatient would take care of it. Nurse said she would call regular psychiatrist.

That all finally seemed to calm down difficult child. Plus, I abruptly changed the subject and told difficult child that difficult child 2's mom now has chickens. You know...moving on....

Then night nurse comes back and asks if I would prefer difficult child be given benadryl or melatonin. Ha. Neither. They don't even phase her. She asked if I wanted to do Seroquel and I said I'd rather not start that route out of the chute because of difficult child's high risk of heart disease and the cholesterol side effects. I think they were going to give her Ambien.

For a PRN she asked me if I wanted to give her Vistaril. If benadryl does nothing, neither will vistaril. They are the same damn thing - basically. I don't know what they ended up doing with that.

I do know that difficult child more than likely missed her BC tonight because I took them in my purse, but wasn't allowed to take my purse back and forgot about them. I doubt they had time to get anything from the pharmacy. They called me about the chapstick when I was 45 minutes away and they still hadn't gotten it by the time we left (basically 3 hours had elapsed). I gave difficult child mine. Her lips were lobster red, they were so chapped.

And the whole process of how they inventory personal items and check them was very unorganized. I had to write down everything I had brought during my visit time, while difficult child is sobbing so she then thinks I'm ignoring her. Sigh....

I don't know. Day nurse is on the ball. Night nurse....I may have to train her.

However, difficult child let me hug her when we were leaving. I told her I love her and that I'm doing this because I want her to be able to take back control of her life. Her room faces the sidewalk leading to the entrance, and as we were leaving we could see difficult child putting her clothes away so I felt better that she wasn't sobbing on her bed.

But, I still can't sleep. How can you ever know if you're doing the right thing?

 

[susiestar]

I hope you are asleep now. I was sort of in that not asleep but not really awake and Jess came banging into my room to use the bathroom. So now I am awake. Sigh.

I know how hard it is when they beg to come home and are crying. It is just about as hard when they are angry and demanding to come home. been there done that both ways.

I am glad you got her into the psychiatric hospital. Hopefully they will see how dysfunctional her thinking is and find a way to get through to her that she *has* to help herself or they will start advocating for medicare to pay for a long term psychiatric hospital/Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Here in OK they did NOT call it Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It was still called a psychiatric hospital stay then, and is now according to our therapist. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is private here, or paid for through charities like the Lion's Club or those for specific "homes". NOT meaning foster care type homes, meaning large Residential Treatment Center (RTC) type places as we call them on this board.

You did the right thing admitting her. You did the right thing leaving her there today. Other than therapy visits it may be best to keep visits shorter than this one was. It does take a few days to get what she needs ironed out, esp in states where even chapstick must be treated like medicine. Ohio is like that, even in elem school and jr high the girls couldn't have chapstick or lip gloss at school because it was "medicine" and needed doctor's orders.

Be very sure to verify anything she tells you that they wouldn't "let" her have, or "made" her do, or "yelled" at her about. What your child will tell you and what really happened can be very different, as I am sure you know. But also check if the nurses seem to be "off" to you. It is a tough job so most nurses don't do it for the $$. They do it because they want to help, so most are at least competent, in my opinion.

While I don't want to tell you to not visit, you may find that you keep her from making as much progress as she can if you visit every time they have visiting hours. As much as she is dependent on you, it may be more helpful to her if you visit every other day, or if they have visiting hours twice a day then you visit once a day. This does NOT include seeing the psychiatrist or therapy. Remember that just because they have visiting hours does NOT mean you have to visit. YOU need some time to heal and become used to her being less dependent on you also. It takes time to get used to your child being more independent. NOT that you push her to be dependent, just that after having her push for dependence for so long you may need some time to adjust, Know what I mean??

I am not sure I am saying things right tonight. I don't mean her dependence is your fault, or that you shouldn't visit. Just that you shouldn't let yourself be guilted into visiting more often than can be done with-o causing problems for you.

Anyway, I am glad she is getting some intensive help.

Hugs.

Be sure to use this time to take care of YOU. If the 18yo know-it-alls give you grief then ignore them or tell them to parent their own kids. Or send them to ME. I will give them a talking to!!

 

[crazymama30]

"If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got." or something to that effect. You and difficult child cannot go on the way she has been. She has been minimally functioning, and dependent upon you for so much. Something has to change or nothing ever will.

If we only had a crystal ball, and would know for sure what was right. We just never know.

I am sure that if you do nothing it will NOT be right, so doing something has to be closer.

I agree with Susie, maybe visit a little less often, let her see that she will survive if you aren't there, it may be good for her, albeit very hard.

Hugs

 

[TerryJ2]

Judging from her reaction, I would absolutely say you have done the right thing. YOU cannot fix her. Only she can. You and the doctors can give her the tools. It's up to her to utilize them.
Having said that, I understand how upset and anxious you must feel, seeing her like that. (Although being able to see her put her clothes away is a good tihng!)
I hope you got some sleep.
{{hugs}}
P.S. Chickens?!

 

[confuzzled]

you did the right thing.

"Honestly, I think difficult child really just had no idea what was going on"

i'm not 100% convinced that this is just part of your difficult child's issues. to be really honest, that was EXACTLY our experience. (in our case, not only did difficult child 2 have zero idea of what was going on, neither did *I*). i'm not sure if its a normal part of intake, a function of a busy unit with more fish to fry, or assumptions made by adults that everyone is on the same page...but it *IS* disconcerting. i can only imagine how your difficult child feels....there is weird food, weird people, rules to follow that she may or may not know what they are, etc.

and as staff changes shifts it becomes even more confusing and unknown.

what helped us was i asked my difficult child what she was unsure of and i cornered the unit nurse to come explain things in front of me. in our case, they kept telling my difficult child she needed to follow the "rules" to come home, and yet no one bothered to tell her what those "rules" were....once she was clear on what they were it was much easier. i also saw with my own eyes just how much miscommunication happens on these units...so while i understand you dont want to "fix" things for yours, you do need to stay on top of things to get the maximum benefit out of her stay. (imagine getting a call from your then 10 year old asking "hey mom, wasnt i supposed to get a pill today"??, in which the answer was, most DEFINITELY you were supposed to get a pill....apparently someone "forgot" to write orders, and wth are we doing there if they dont plan to treat her???)

maybe none of this applies as your difficult child is a bit older. and i get she needs to take some responsibility for herself.

it *IS* incredibly difficult. but you did the right thing, and hopefully she gets some kind of benefit from being there.

get some sleep--thats an order (and look, its in writing)!

 

[gcvmom]

(((((Hugs)))))

You ARE doing the right thing. Have faith in your decision, in the psychiatric hospital and all the supports that are being put in place, in difficult child... in time, you'll see that this was the right thing to do. You've done what you can do, and now it's time to step back and let others do their part. It's out of your hands.

 

[timer lady]

I would add to the above wisdom that you shouldn't spend a great deal of time visiting. This is about difficult child, her treatment. Check in with the nurses, have the psychiatrist's call - but don't run up there all the time. I've learned this from many hospitalizations of one tweedle or the other.

difficult child will have to speak up for herself. The medications are a **** shoot - you're going to have to let the pros do their thing with-o your knowledge creeping through (unless there has been an adverse reaction). You will be labeled a uncooperative parent & you don't want that now that difficult child is finally in a place where help may be given.

 

[KTMom91]

I have no advice, never having been in this position, but what the other ladies have said sounds reasonable. Sending many hugs and lots of love and support.

 

[flutterby]

Thank you all for the support and wisdom. I know you all are right. CM - I was telling difficult child the exact thing (always get what you always got thing) as we were waiting for her to be admitted. In fact, I've used that a lot with her. (Thanks, Fran.)

Confuzzled - it is just part of difficult child's issues.

I called today and spoke with the nurse to see how difficult child is doing. She said that she said she slept well. They gave her remeron which is what I suggested, but then they mentioned Ambien. Nurse said she hasn't talked to the staff so she doesn't know if she slept through the night, but said that difficult child looks rested - not so dark. She said that difficult child ate and seems less anxious today, although still very quiet.

I meet with therapist today at 3 (I swapped out my appointment tomorrow for difficult child's today). I will be talking to her about how much I should be visiting, among other things. I will be visiting difficult child tonight. I have to take her school work and I need to see her, just to reassure myself I guess. easy child will be going, too.

 

[TerryJ2]

How did it go?

 

[flutterby]

She yelled at me because I didn't bring her new jammies - cause my car broke down and I had a gazillion other things to do and didn't have time. Then she complained about everything else

I stayed 30 minutes.