I can't stop crying

[Abbey]

The last few days/months have been nothing short of heck. I get up every morning thinking it's going to be a better day, but it doesn't seem to happen. I wish for nothing more than to go to bed at night. No heathcare, so don't even suggest. Don't have the money to pay it out of private funds.

Today, after listening to husband gripe about my job (hey...I'll take any job now), he is sick. Now, in 17 years he has never complained about being sick, so I am sure he is. I come home to a house that is completely trashed. I am too exhausted to clean up.

I go to work. Work all day, then decide to stop by Taco Bell for one simple taco. As I'm searching for a dollar in change in my purse...I do a one mile an hour hit into the car in front of me in the drive through. GEEZ!!

I'm dying here. I can't seem to do anything right. husband will be furious. I haven't told him yet.

I'm still nursing a broken nose, hand and knee from a previous violent incident (can't go into, but not husband involved.). My nose has never really healed, the hand had a nice bone poking out and my knee has a good 2X2 inch scar. It's a daily reminder of the event.

I don't know how much more I can take. I'm not a bad person and I know depression is HUGE. The car accident just really sealed it for me. No damage to my car, and minimal to the other. It's just the thing that this happened now. Can I get a break???

Sorry...just having a personal pity party.

Abbey

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Abbey}}} You have your pity party, it sounds like you need it right now. I'd offer some advice, but it sounds like you need a shoulder to lean on more. We're here for you.

 

[everywoman]

Oh Abbey! I am so sorry. I have felt like from your posts lately that you were feeling down. I know you didn't like the bank job---but I was hoping the new one would be better. Try to remember that accidents are called that because--well, they are accidental. It's not like you meant to hit the other car. husband will get over it. And sorry that you are so down. I hope things get better soon. Meantime, have a good cry. If you want to have a pity party---go ahead. We all need to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. Then we have to pick up and move one. There are better days a'comin---

 

[KTMom91]

Big big hugs, and a shoulder too. I'm so sorry.

 

[Hound dog]

Abbey

Sending you many many (((hugs))) because I know how you're feeling. Sounds like we're in about the same spot emotionally right now. And I don't have the money for doctor either. *sigh*

I swear it really bites when you're trying your darndest and you can't seem to catch a break no matter how hard you try. I've decided there is a big target painted on my forhead right now. lol

I'm sorry husband is sick. Not what you need. But he is a grown up, so can take care of himself for the most part. Although I know it stinks when your house is trashed.

Have a good cry. I hate to cry, but it does help. Pity parties can be a good thing every once in awhile.

(((hugs)))

 

[flutterbee]

((((((hugs)))))

 

[VickiL]

Abbey,
Don't know if there is one in your area, but how about a free medical clinic or the county health dept? It may be a long shot in LV area, but my mom is going to take Justin to one in her area (north of LA) since they don't have money to pay a private doctor either. They may be on a sliding scale or something close? I know how you feel, SO been there done that many, many times. Just throwing out ideas...I don't like to see my in person and/or online friends in pain and hurting! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...
Vicki

 

[klmno]

GEEZ Abbey- are you trying to re-write Murphey's Law or what? Can you take a little break for yourself? It sounds like you need a jolt to jump-start your luck. I am so sorry you are going through all this. Was husband undertanding (I hope he was)?

Can you get just a few minutes for "me" time?

(((HUGS)))

 

[house of cards]

Abbey, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. Its ok to just hold on and just get thru the day for awhile. I am praying things will lighten up for you.

 

[Steely]

Oh boy Abbey - I think we need to get together and have one big blow out pity party. You know the kind, with a keg, and rock n roll, and lot's of hooting and hollering. We both need it.

I am so sorry!!! Keep hanging in there.
If you will, I will
LIFE.....................sigh!!!

 

[Marguerite]

I don't know about Murphy's Law - this sounds more like a case of terminal exhaustion lading to one glitch after another. If you hadn't been so drained, you probably wouldn't have had the accident.

These things happen more when we're down, or not well, than at any other time. it's a warning sign, you need to de-stress. And it needn't be an expensive spa treatment (not that I've ever been to one anyway).

Is there somewhere you can go, and sit, and absorb peace for even an hour? Or something you can do just for you, with nobody else to consider for a short time? Tell your family, if you don't make time for you, then you won't be much use to them.

Marg

 

[Abbey]

Thanks guys. husband was very understanding. That was very helpful. It's just a very bad time for me to make such a silly mistake. I haven't been in an accident in over 20 years.

Abbey

 

[meowbunny]

Being one very prone to depression, I understand your misery. Here are some things to do that can help even when you have no funds to see someone:

1. Exercise! It really does build up seratonin levels. So, find some sort of exercise to do at least 30 minutes a day and absolutely force yourself to do them. (For me, it is dance. Finally got myself a Dance, Dance Machine for the TV -- at least I like this exercise.)

2. Eat as healthy as possible. Lots of fruits and veggies.

3. Find someone you trust to talk to. A therapist is nice but sometimes just having someone you can vent to is a great help.

4. If the house is a mess and it's too much to do at once, pick a corner and start there. Slowly go from that corner until the whole house is done. Once a corner is cleaned up, it is not allowed to be a place to drop clutter again. It make take awhile to get the house back to normal, but it can be done, one corner/room at a time.

5. Write down something good about you every day and put it where you can see it. I use post-its and put them on my bathroom mirror. Sometimes the best I can muster is I got up and fed the critters. Sometimes it is what a good friend I am and an example. If worse comes to worse, there's always the fact I have pretty eyes and great legs. Just something to remind you there really is a good person fighting to get out of this depression.

Do these things faithfully for at least a month and you will see a little light at the end of the tunnel. The more it becomes a habit, the easier it is to do these things. It won't end the depression, but it will help.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[timer lady]

Abbey,

Sorry I missed this - it's all been said above. Time to take care of you & slow down.

Start working on that bird santuary out back. It really is most relaxing first thing in the morning & at dusk as your day is ending.

(((hugs)))

 

[Fran]

Somedays Deb, it seems the harder we try the deeper the hole gets. I get so darn overwhelmed somedays that I want to crawl into bed and let someone else be the adult.
I sure don't have much advice. Just know you aren't alone.

 

[Shari]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Hugs! ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry. Have you ever seen one of those lists rating how stressful certain milestones in life are? I believe the death of a loved one tops the list and moving is second. Well, changing jobs is right up there. It might be third or fourth. (If someone has the list...please post it or pm me...thanks). What I'm trying to say, is that changing your job is super-duper stressful. Us folks here, with difficult child business, already have a lot on our plates. If something else goes wrong (a car accident????) well...it can be overwhelming. Do you have a therapist? Do you have a good friend to talk to? I say when these things happen, to pull out all the stops and nurture, nurture, nurture. Women tend to do this for others, but we forget to do it for ourselves. So in conjunction with the others said, to take time for yourself, I would do whatever little (or big) thing you can do to provide comfort and care for your personal needs.

 

[gcvmom]

I'm really sorry about all the stuff that's piling up on you I can empathize COMPLETELY. It's lousy, it's not fair, and on top of that it's LOUSY (I know, I already said that but they won't let you type "SUHCKS" here )

Hang in there!

 

[Abbey]

Again, thank you all for your wonderful support. I just seem to be a tradegy magnent these days.

Getting my job has been very helpful. I get to chat with people and give out free stuff!! I just hope it lasts.

I think the impending move in June is also weighing heavy on me. I LOVE this house, but can't stay. The owners are coming back from Thailand. (Don't know how you can love a house, but I do.) And, we have no money or idea where we are going. It's all up in the air.

Toss in easy child supposedly going to college at the same time...not sure where that is going to be financed. He's also turning out to be more of a difficult child that I imagined.

Sigh...today is bacon samples.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

So what 'cher sayin' is you opted to not dress as a flaminco dancer and pull hot wings out of your bra? I'm no psychiatrist but I can see where this could lead to being depressed. Lord knows if I'm not able to stuff some sort of snack in my bossom I can get prrrretty cranky.

And you know - it really seems like once it starts - it never ends. ((waves hands in circular motion above head)) no not like that - like limp wristed propellers - as in going on and on.....yeah like that.

Give yourself credit for the things that you HAVE endured. I know most days if anyone else lived my life they would have sat back and said
"MAN THAT WAS A HECK OF A DAY - PHEW?WHEW I hope I NEVER have another like that, MY GOSH HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT?" and what they are talking about was something like - No biscotti at Publix, and the cable out of service while they were at the spa.

Yet we have our days and think
"Well today wasn't so bad, I got up, fell out of bed, ran into the door frame, blacked my eye, chipped my tooth, made it to the bathroom, slipped on some unidentifiable soap blob, ran a comb through what is left of my hair, fed the animals, remembered to sign permission slips, pay 10 bills, gas up the car last night, water the plants, watch tv, took a load out of the washer, sorted a load to go in and started it, and realize if they just put women like us in charge of a new health care plan I COULD have health care -then scrounged around three times in the same fridge for something to pack for my lunch, or went to work with no lunch hoping the cost of bananas hasn't gone to .52 cents a pound yet because I was digging change out of the couch hoping one of our sons friends pockets emptied some loose change and now stuck with the moral dilema to give it back (the right thing) or have a single .52 banana for lunch we keep it. Then remembering your son needed soda money and dug through the couch Friday night, but thank God he has friends. Pondered the possibility if he has friends could he BE anti-social? Did my SO get his medications/do we have something for me to make for dinner after I get done with 8 hours of standing on my feet? Then we get in the car and realize with the rain we left our lights on yesterday and of course on any other day there would be a nosy neighbor somewhere I could get a jump from to start my beater car - and today of course no one. So I call work and get screamed at (like I needed that) for being responsible and calling in and SAYING I was going to be late - and by some freak of nature - my sons friend stops by (hope he wasn't looking for that couch change now jingling in my pocket) and give me a jump. So i'm late, with bad, hair, black eye, chipped tooth, broke but not broken and OFF I go to work to muster up a freakin good attitude between my hell hole of a home and a job that I don't want, but with a 34 year old boss - I had better walk through that front door with pursed lips to kiss @$$ and a humble yet Paxil induced high so I can hock **** all day to people who are in no better mood than I am. Get my break - find a cigarette, wonder if I want to smoke it, eat my stupid banana while I ponder the WHY's of my life - finish work, wishing around 5:00 I could throw stuff at customers for fun. Get in my car, make it home to hear EVERYONE else in my family WHINE about how awful their day was while no one asks me - I secretly find the bottle of Drambui someone sent me 3 years ago for Christmas when life was really bad and I KNEW better than to crack the seal- get a glass - avoid eye contact with the world, and sit on a concrete slab in my yard with the only love in my life that despite having arthritis, bad skin, allergies, a bad hip - says nothing but lays his huge head in my lap and sneaks a lap or 2 of Drambui because at this point we're both lapping it up. And while we sit there - our children return mad at the world, hating life and wanting us to solve argue with the only other adult in the house, and it and at this point I could not care less as I've removed my bra, and now I'm licking hot sauce off my fingers from hiding wings in my bra and belting the Drambui (my furperson is already out cold) and As I wander or stagger back into my house - with my frizzy hair, my hot sauce stained bra, my drunk companion on 4 feet, my chipped tooth, my black eye, my broken hand, my hurting knee and .03 cents in my pocket because bananas were only .49 each - I throw the pennies back in the couch - head down the hall, and fall asleep to do it all over again tomorrow.

I have NO idea (save for the Drambui with the dog) why you wouldn't be depressed. OH .....wait - that was MY morning.
Gosh Ab - what's your excuse?