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I can't stop the pain
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 413908" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>We bought difficult child 1's grave site and funeral plan when he was 17. We were that sure he wouldn't live to be 19. He turns 28 this month despite multiple rounds of homelessness (just got evicted again this week), drug addiction to lots of different drugs including crystal meth, and severe mood disorders with paranoid psychosis all on top of severe physical disabilities.</p><p></p><p>For a couple years after we released him to the universe I cringed every time I saw a police car near our home. I vowed I would not let them tell me he was dead because I did not want to be the one to tell his birth mother, wife.</p><p></p><p>So I have some experience with your feelings right now. And I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. Many hugs.</p><p></p><p>I can't promise you that it will all be OK. We had to grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for our difficult child. I think that is a universal thing for parents like us. I think your task is to find enough peace with the situation that you can go on with your day to day life. To do that you will have to detach enough that you can see difficult child for who she is rather than who you hoped she would become and to see yourselves as separate people rather than the unit known as "mother and child". That took a long time for us. Once you find that balance you may discover that your relationship with difficult child gets better (as ours has done) because you are no longer fighting hard against the normal developmental task of separating from your adult child. And that is the only side of the equation you can control - your own. </p><p></p><p>It is not easy. It is very, very hard.</p><p></p><p>It took us years to get there but the process has been much easier for me in the past couple years thanks to a wonderful therapist. If you can find one to help you who has experience helping families like yours then grab it with both hands and make husband come along if possible. In our area the main organization for runaway youth offers free counseling to families with teens who are having problems. Perhaps there's one like that near you.</p><p></p><p>Peace -</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 413908, member: 7948"] We bought difficult child 1's grave site and funeral plan when he was 17. We were that sure he wouldn't live to be 19. He turns 28 this month despite multiple rounds of homelessness (just got evicted again this week), drug addiction to lots of different drugs including crystal meth, and severe mood disorders with paranoid psychosis all on top of severe physical disabilities. For a couple years after we released him to the universe I cringed every time I saw a police car near our home. I vowed I would not let them tell me he was dead because I did not want to be the one to tell his birth mother, wife. So I have some experience with your feelings right now. And I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. Many hugs. I can't promise you that it will all be OK. We had to grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams for our difficult child. I think that is a universal thing for parents like us. I think your task is to find enough peace with the situation that you can go on with your day to day life. To do that you will have to detach enough that you can see difficult child for who she is rather than who you hoped she would become and to see yourselves as separate people rather than the unit known as "mother and child". That took a long time for us. Once you find that balance you may discover that your relationship with difficult child gets better (as ours has done) because you are no longer fighting hard against the normal developmental task of separating from your adult child. And that is the only side of the equation you can control - your own. It is not easy. It is very, very hard. It took us years to get there but the process has been much easier for me in the past couple years thanks to a wonderful therapist. If you can find one to help you who has experience helping families like yours then grab it with both hands and make husband come along if possible. In our area the main organization for runaway youth offers free counseling to families with teens who are having problems. Perhaps there's one like that near you. Peace - Patricia [/QUOTE]
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