i could use about 20 hugs and a drink

[meowbunny]

I'm lucky that I've always been able to trust the men in my life. However, I did have a relationship with a man who didn't trust. He was constantly checking on my emails, listening to my messages and so on. Ultimately, I broke up with him. I was and am a flirt. However, I have never and will never cheat on someone I am dating, let alone living with. He knew this going into the relationship. He lost me because of his "trust issues."

Has he gone out with this woman? Has he kissed her, had sex with her or anything that is truly cheating? He may have come close, may have wanted to, but did he act on it?

Honestly, trust issues or not, you need to quit snooping. He's only going to tolerate it so long before he shows you the door. Get counseling together.

I have had male friends who were in relationships and marriages. Many times, the SOs were included if they so chose. However, there were a couple of friendships where the SO wasn't. My best male friend would never include his SO. Not by my choice, but by my friend. Definitely not because there was anything going on but rather because I was his sounding board. He would vent about his girl friends and, ultimately, his wife. He would get my advice for gifts, special occasions, anything and everything. Heck, I even told him to marry his wife. I doubt the dolt would have thought it by himself.

I am more in the line of thinking of Janet and GoingNorth. Honestly, if I were the male in your relationship, you'd be history. You've crossed too many lines. I don't know if you're really overreacting but my gut feeling is you are. However, the constant snooping, the lack of trust will ultimately erode any relationship no matter what the past history.

 

[Jena]

hi

i agree with you 100% you are correct you truly are. i am a work in progress i'm trying so hard with everything i really am.

we sat in truck for two hours last night with-tea and our cigarettes to resolve this.

he did not spend time with her he says def. not have sex iwth her or kiss her or anything. he said she was a girlfriend of one of his friends thsi i had known but wasn't sure she was the right jen he spoke of in past. they broke up she was upset she turned to him.

we both have issues. he needs to be the knight in shining armor me snooping was wrong yet he needs to fix everyolne thats his issue. so at teh end of the day lying to me and violating my trust was not good at all. he needs to understand that we are way too important to lie to me to cover up anything we come first.

he said they spoke texted, etc. she got carried away and started to ask to spend time with him he said i can't do that. she asked again.

he makes bad choices my t said on who to help, it's the second time h'es done this and lied to me to help someone else made it look as though there was alot more going on than there was ofcourse with the lying, etc.

so after we spoke at length last night about it all. we both decided that he will go back to therapy seperately to deal with his issues and i will ofcourse continue mine i'm in the thick of flashbacks and trying to handle my abuse issues and that he will join me in my session periodically to understand me better and resolve our issues together.

so i do love him i cannot lie. he means the world to me. it's giong to be harder going forward now due to the lie but i want this man in my life i screwed up and so did he. so we actually resolved it last night after 2 hours alot of tea and a few cigarettes my t said that was huge for us and it means that even though i messed up and snooped and he messed up adn lied that we have grown.

so we begin again keeping my fingers crossed that i'm judging the situation properly that he means that he will no longer look to save every female on teh planet in which needs help and that together hopefully we can both become very mentally healthy people and have this be a very rewarding relationship.

my issues are hard i know looking at it from the outside i may sound like a nut and a half. yet what was done Occupational Therapist (OT) me yeras ago i have never trusted another man since it was rather bad to say the least i surpressed it for yeras my family never took legal steps to go after my father so there was this really big carpet and a huge broom and it got swept underneath.

not good at all. so i have never been a whole person i have lived in fear my whole life and running from it. now i'm hitting it and everything else head on in hopes to be the best person i can be for me first and foremost for my girls who need my wisdom and my strength and for him.

thanks for your bluntness. i've also learned to take others thoughts better. my defenses used to kick in terribly now i'm open to hearing things.

little by little

Jen

 

[meowbunny]

Is he lying to you to keep from fighting with you or to keep from hurting you?

If it is to prevent a fight, then you need to step back and look hard at the facts -- he's not cheating, he's trying to rescue. Let's face it, part of his relationship with you is premised on the knight in shining armor syndrome. Tell him to be honest if he's only being a friend. You may have difficulties with it because of the past but it will go a long way in the trust department. Then, as hard as it is, give him room to be that friend.

If he's doing it to keep from hurting you, then he needs to look at himself and what his motives really are in talking to these women.

Relationships are hard. We all bring so much baggage with us. When that baggage is a steamer trunk or two, it becomes really hard. You're having to deal with so much. I hope you find a way to work through this. A relationship without trust (whether it be lover, spouse, parents, child) is a relationship that won't succeed. Sooner or later, it is destroyed either because the lack of trust is warranted or because the lack of trust overwhelms every other aspect of the relationship.

Good luck!

 

[TerryJ2]

Jen, I'm so glad you had that long talk and cleared the air on so much. Now you have to move forward and put it all into practice.
You've gotten some good advice and ideas here. I can't add much but except I think that her defensive reaction and hanging up on you may have been odd. I try to put myself in that situation, and have been once or twice ... the wife of a male friend would on occasion call to see if he was over at my house. He tended to drink and go AWOL. I'd always say, "No, is he supposed to be over here?" (LOL--I can be sarcastic sometimes but when 60-somethings are still going through that game it's hard to be sympathetic). I would always promise to call her if I saw him or heard from him, and quite frankly, had anything been going on, I still would have called her because the point was not that she was mad at me but that she was panicking about her husband.

I guess because my husband and I are so open about all of our friends, it's hard to imagine being too suspicious of his female friends. The most recent occurance was a few mo's ago ... he had a female biz consultant he talked about incessantly, and he'd see her about 5X a yr on biz trips. I bugged him about how something was going on and he took it very personally (he does not like to joke about things like that) and after the last trip, he sat me down and sheepishly told me that people were talking about them ... so she sat down with-him and told him she was a lesbian! LOL! I burst out laughing and he was amused but offended. He really cares about her and they're still friends but, well, just friends ...

In short, since your husband knows you have a trust issue, it would behoove him to be extra careful and extra, extra open with-you about all of his friends. I think openness is the key.

 

[TerryJ2]

Is he lying to you to keep from fighting with you or to keep from hurting you?

This is a very good question.

 

[Star*]

XXXXVODKA SHOOTERXXXXTEQUILA SUNRISEXXXXJAGERMEISTER AND DR.PEPPERXXXXJACK DANIELSXXXXCROWN ROYAL FLUSHXXXX =

That should have you hugged up and huggin a commode - CHEERS~

 

[Kjs]

Jen - Sometimes the people we love are not the best people for us.

I truly loved a man 25 years ago. Honestly, I still have that special place in my heart that I visit every now and then. Missing what we did have sometimes. But the part of that man that hit me, severly abused me...I cannot forget.

You need to be important to you. You deserve the best. I hope you find it.

We were a perfect pair at times. There just came a point when the circle never ended. I knew the cycle, I knew what would happen. Yep, we talked, he was always sorry..bought me flowers and gifts and it would never happen again...until it did.

 

[Jena]

you guys really are the best. wish we could get together for a real drink

he said he was llying to me because he was trying to protect me he didn't wnat me to get scard that he was cheating. he said he tried to help this girl somewhat through the break up she called him becausze it was his friend that abroke up with her. he tried to talk to her and tell her life goes on and it'll be ok and then boom she started asking him out he said no twice and she kept asking.

he siad he figured after a period of time she'd give up yet taht's just about when i jumped in and checked the phone.

so it wasn't to avoid a fight he i guess in his screwy way of thinking thought ok i'll help her cover it up jen will never understand because he knows my trust issues are beyond belief i freak if he doenst' text back right away lately with what i'm gonig through.

so how does that sound? he's going back to therapy seperately to work on his issues. i also told him that's it complete honesty from here on out or we won't make it i wont' do this again.

he understood and said ofcourse. he said i'd rather you get mad and afraid and then take time to be ok with me having a friend than lying to you hurting you making you think it's more and violating your trust. i truly thought i was protectin gyou. i said first of all you shouldn't be a shoulder for woman to cry on. he agreed as well.

 

[Jena]

he also said strange thing is he has problem saying no to anyone who needs help. from staff to friends to woman etc.

i said by you not telling me to avoid me freaking out us arguing me scared we're not handling the truth the issue which is me not trusting you. when you lie it only further continues and enables my problem to an extent. so i go forward now trusting that's it i can't doubt. i know he'd never do anything with anyone else in my heart i'm just so vulnerable and a mess right now. i hurt everyday dealing with my issues it's a true disaster wish he hadn't forced it out of me. wish i could put it away again. feels like my life is falling apart and unraveling due to it to be honest. i never felt such pain. ever.

 

[Star*]

Jen,

I'd have to pass on having a real drink - Apparently I have too great a sense of humor when you mix me with alcohol. But we could do coffee.