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I did it. Told difficult child son....
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 614452" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Thanks, Recovering. That is true, and so good to know. husband delirious at sense of freedom. Had been planning to do the old "This is the last time, I never want to see you again." We got into a little spat about that this morning when I confronted him about that being what he always says ~ after he gives the money for the "last time".</p><p></p><p>And then, the miracle happened, and difficult child son said he would starve and die before taking money from us.</p><p></p><p>There <em>is</em> a difference between legitimate helping and enabling. And you were right Recovering, when you said the difference is that we resent enabling and feel a sense of reward at helping. I was writing away this morning, trying to figure this whole thing out, and stumbled across the core of the resentment husband and I feel. It is that nothing we spend, and no amount of time, ever makes the permanent difference we make that sacrifice of time or money to achieve. Where we once readily made any sacrifice, where once we left our own lives behind without a thought to focus on saving one of the kids, over time the emotional components of those responses change. We still expect to help. And Lord knows the kids not only expect us to help, but blame us for where they are. The more we help, the more we try to limit the damage, the more we begin to feel like mindless automatons, going through the same fight, the same thought process, the same resentful giving in.</p><p></p><p>And there goes our money with nothing to show for it.</p><p></p><p>And there goes all that time of our lives together, gone forever, and with nothing to show for it. (Though I would take the grandchildren again in a minute. That was actually rewarding in the extreme.)</p><p></p><p>If you find yourselves in that situation, better to stop sooner.</p><p></p><p>Some years back, after having been here on the site long enough to understand that I was looking at an addiction with difficult child son, I told husband no more help without difficult child son agreeing to treatment. Prior to that time, husband was resenting everything I was doing for difficult child son. Once I stopped? He leaped in with both feet. He would drive three hours twice a week to the city difficult child son lived in, to bring him food, cigs, fill his tank, pay his bills.</p><p></p><p>I wonder how that ever stopped....</p><p></p><p>If you find yourselves in that position, you may need to do as I did. Tell the adult child that it is the other guy (father or mother) who decided to pay again, but that you would not pay, and then, tell him what you expect him to do to become the man he was meant to be.</p><p></p><p>Boy, am I acting like a know-it-all this morning. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p>As Recovering noted, there will be a backlash. We may still cave. That would be worse than never having taken a stand to begin with. As Scott G noted in his post on detachment, once we break the attachment, we realize that we have the power over what WE will do. We get to stop, any time we want. </p><p></p><p>husband and I always gave the money because we didn't want to leave the kids short. But that just turned into us always giving the money. </p><p></p><p>Another thing I realized this morning is that, at least at first, that desperate need to help the kids has less to do with enabling and more to do with not wanting to see the kids hurt. It doesn't even matter what they did or what they need. We just cannot stand to see them hurt or desperate or ashamed or poor.</p><p></p><p>Thank goodness for FB.</p><p></p><p>Don't think I could have done it any other way. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 614452, member: 1721"] Thanks, Recovering. That is true, and so good to know. husband delirious at sense of freedom. Had been planning to do the old "This is the last time, I never want to see you again." We got into a little spat about that this morning when I confronted him about that being what he always says ~ after he gives the money for the "last time". And then, the miracle happened, and difficult child son said he would starve and die before taking money from us. There [I]is[/I] a difference between legitimate helping and enabling. And you were right Recovering, when you said the difference is that we resent enabling and feel a sense of reward at helping. I was writing away this morning, trying to figure this whole thing out, and stumbled across the core of the resentment husband and I feel. It is that nothing we spend, and no amount of time, ever makes the permanent difference we make that sacrifice of time or money to achieve. Where we once readily made any sacrifice, where once we left our own lives behind without a thought to focus on saving one of the kids, over time the emotional components of those responses change. We still expect to help. And Lord knows the kids not only expect us to help, but blame us for where they are. The more we help, the more we try to limit the damage, the more we begin to feel like mindless automatons, going through the same fight, the same thought process, the same resentful giving in. And there goes our money with nothing to show for it. And there goes all that time of our lives together, gone forever, and with nothing to show for it. (Though I would take the grandchildren again in a minute. That was actually rewarding in the extreme.) If you find yourselves in that situation, better to stop sooner. Some years back, after having been here on the site long enough to understand that I was looking at an addiction with difficult child son, I told husband no more help without difficult child son agreeing to treatment. Prior to that time, husband was resenting everything I was doing for difficult child son. Once I stopped? He leaped in with both feet. He would drive three hours twice a week to the city difficult child son lived in, to bring him food, cigs, fill his tank, pay his bills. I wonder how that ever stopped.... If you find yourselves in that position, you may need to do as I did. Tell the adult child that it is the other guy (father or mother) who decided to pay again, but that you would not pay, and then, tell him what you expect him to do to become the man he was meant to be. Boy, am I acting like a know-it-all this morning. :O) As Recovering noted, there will be a backlash. We may still cave. That would be worse than never having taken a stand to begin with. As Scott G noted in his post on detachment, once we break the attachment, we realize that we have the power over what WE will do. We get to stop, any time we want. husband and I always gave the money because we didn't want to leave the kids short. But that just turned into us always giving the money. Another thing I realized this morning is that, at least at first, that desperate need to help the kids has less to do with enabling and more to do with not wanting to see the kids hurt. It doesn't even matter what they did or what they need. We just cannot stand to see them hurt or desperate or ashamed or poor. Thank goodness for FB. Don't think I could have done it any other way. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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