I do believe it is time...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We just cannot live with M anymore. She is still not working, though she says she is applying to everything and everywhere at night. I wouldn't know as she has not been home for the past two nights. Her and Connor have been spending the night somewhere. She doesn't tell me much - only says the name of the town.

    Let me be clear - I do not think she is on drugs again. There were times where I became suspicious, but none of the signs are there except the attitude (which apparently is part of her personality and not the drugs, unfortunately). I really think she is trying to prove her adulthood and independence. Which is FINE, don't get me wrong. My major complaint is the "sleeping over" someone else's house with her son. I mean, that isn't normal? I know she would never put her son in danger. But, it bugs me that I don't know where they are. Is it the controlling part of me or is that normal?

    But goodness there are things that drive me nuts - she is a slob. MAJOR slob. Sure, she cleans the house once a week but she is paid for that. She leaves her room a mess, leaves the lights on, tv on, and takes off to her friends and doesn't come home that night. She came home while I was at work yesterday. She fed Connor breakfast and left the mess in the dining room while she took off again. I was not happy to come home to food all over his chair and on the floor. Other little things, too. Like my asking her over and over not to turn on the flood lights outside - she continues to do it. I tape the switches down and she removed the tape to turn the light on! Small thing, but she does not contribute to any bills here.

    I guess it just really boils down to it is TOO difficult to live with adult children. I know I cannot make her come home at night and I told her if she doesn't want to be here, that is fine - MOVE OUT. I don't think it is right that Connor is not sleeping in the same bed every night. Children need stability. She threatens me constantly about taking Connor and moving out. I told her to stop with the threats and just move already. If she can find someone that is going to support both her and her son while she is not working - go on then. They are not threats to me anymore. They are empty promises. I will have less stress and more money! I will really, really miss seeing that baby boy every day but maybe we can get along with his mother better if they are not living here. I have said many times that we will take him every other weekend.

    Of course, we cannot kick her out. But I DO hope that she does actually move out soon.

    Janet - if you are reading this - husband and I have talked about leaving the kids the house and getting an apartment somewhere...lol. If we could afford to - we would!!
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Forgot to tell this lovely story of over the weekend -

    husband and I went to a concert on Saturday night. We were meeting friends in the parking lot two hours before the concert and I ended up with heat exhaustion. Got really, really sick and almost went to the hospital. Missed the concert. Waste of a hotel room after. :( Sunday morning we came home and M wanted me to look at Connor - his groin area seemed swollen. I agreed that it did and would take them to the hospital. So we are in a room, and she is trying to keep Connor confined - had her arms wrapped around him. He squeezed through her arms and ended up hitting his head on the floor. She is his mommy and had him in her arms comforting him. She then starts screaming at me because I am not doing anything. I am like huh??? She screamed why wasn't I going to get someone?? I said he hits his head all the time - it is not that serious - he was fine. She was yelling and cussing so loud that police officers came to the rooom to see what the problem was. When she told them her son hit his head, they told her that her yelling and cussing certainly wasn't helping anything. She is SUCH a B. I ended up walking out and waiting in my vehicle. Connor was fine and there was nothing they could do. The swelling had gone down and there was no emergency.

    Last night husband asked where M has been staying and why isn't she just staying there? I said I don't know but I wonder the same. We are just done...
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    PG, I am sorry she is acting like this, especially with your precious grandson.

    I hope you are right---that she is not using drugs again. I really hope so, but I think you need to consider that possibility and keep it tucked away in your mind.

    If she is, that will come to light sooner rather than later, as you know. Then, you will have to decide what steps to take for Connor.

    I totally agree that she needs to leave your house....Now. Her behavior and lack of respect is unacceptable. Her behavior in the hospital is also telling---this is in a place outside your home and dealing with other people, and she is out of control and out of bounds.

    PG, work hard right now to let this whole thing go, set boundaries with her, and stick to them. She will either make it work "out there" or she won't.

    I hope she will allow you all to keep Connor at times so you can still see him consistently.

    Hang in there.
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I remember when she first got there, she was such a hard worker. She was also so very thankful for all you had done, and still do, for her and the baby. As time went on, she slowly did less and less to take care of her business. From your posts I can see her attitude has taken a turn in the same direction. From the pattern it may get even worse for all of you, especially Connor.

    Yesterday,I sent my own son an e-mail that didn't touch the content of his behavior - I'm not fighting with anyone-but it was about pride for himself. (He told me I don't act like an adult, he feels sorry me and even sorrier for husband...etc, etc...you know,hate mail for me.I have been ignoring these e-mails but sent this one)

    Here is what I wrote about making good decisions. I told him I don't want him doing the right thing because of fear (fear of a consequence or embarrassment), I don't want him making good choices because he hopes for a reward or because he wants to please someone. I want him to take pride in himself, to do things the right way because it feels good in himself to accomplish a thing and there is nothing like that feeling you have of feeling proud and being a good person. I want him to put himself in another person's shoes, imagine how they would feel, or what they are going thorough in their lives and have compassion. I told him to be kind to everyone from the President to a homeless person. Don't look your nose down at others, a great man makes others feel great.

    I have been reading a book called, "Teach Like Your Hair Is On Fire". It's so wonderful, mainly it's about classroom management, but also about teaching kids trust, morals, cooperation, compassion. Those are some of the things in the book, read it even though you aren't a teacher, it's great.

    On another note, my difficult child met his wife after she had a baby weeks prior. She was living with the baby's father, they broke up, she moved in with her religious parents right before the birth. When the baby was just a newborn she stayed over difficult child's house frequently. I wondered what her parents thought. I can imagine they were upset because they were upset she had a baby out of wedlock. I think you have to trust she's making good decisions about where they are. Just let it go, you must.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh I am not worried about visitation with Connor. Luckily here in Georgia, we have grandparents rights and I can sue for visitation. But I don't see her not taking us up on our offer of taking him for weekends.

    As far as drugs, I have been watching her very closely when ever she is here. She does not have the grey color of skin - her color is perfectly normal, her pupils are normal, she doesn't sleep in that dead coma for days and then get up and eat everything in the kitchen. I will never ever forget those signs. It was a nightmare. As far as other drugs, she is tested by her PO and is clean as a whistle every single time. I have seen her cut off relationships with people because they are using again. I don't think drugs are the issue, but I am continuing to watch her closely - you just never know.

    I am really suspicious of the attitude being hormonal. I truly do think she needs to take something for it but she refuses.

    Upallnight - what you wrote struck me: "I remember when she first got there, she was such a hard worker. She was also so very thankful for all you had done, and still do, for her and the baby. As time went on, she slowly did less and less to take care of her business."

    I think that is a major problem and I had a feeling as I was doing it and still couldn't stop myself. My husband warned me in the beginning that I was doing too much for her. I gave her everything. Even the car - bought her a car. She has done nothing but complain about the car ever since so I told her fine, she does not have to pay me back for the car. She can save up for another one and give that one to her brother. (I am chalking it up as a loss at this point). I put her insurance under my name and I am paying for it. I did all this because I knew she needed it to work. Yet she appreciates none of it because it was handed to her. I have reminded myself lately - never do for them what they can do for themselves and I want to kick my own butt for everything I have been doing for her. I think I have been creating the monster...

    And I also wonder if she met someone. She said she was crushing on someone but didn't give a lot of details. I know that he lives nearby. I have to wonder if that is where she has been and is not telling me because she knows I will not approve of her introducing someone to Connor so soon. I especially would not approve of her sleeping over there with her child. I know she has felt really let down being a single mom and not having a "baby daddy" around. I know I felt the same when I was a single mom with her. And if that is the case, that is fine, too. I just really hope and pray that he will be a good man like my husband was/is. Matter of fact, if she met someone good and developed a relationship - I would be thrilled! You know, thinking on this, I can't help but wonder if she did. She doesn't like me knowing about men she is interested in because once I meet them and like them, she usually loses interest. That is what happened to the last one even before he started acting so controlling. Wonder if she is keeping this one on the down low...hmm...
    Either way, we need to have a talk. I need to know what is going on (besides the fact that her and I cannot get along). I really let off on her via texts yesterday so I am not surprised she didn't come home last night. I am very aware that I am contributing to the problem which is why I feel it is not a good idea to live in the same house anymore. Maybe she needs to start applying for Section 8...
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Wow, PG, that sounds rough and not any way for you to have to live in your own house. From what little I read here, it sounds to me like she is trying to prove her adulthood and independence as well, but angrily striking out at you (and even blaming you for her own actions!) while accepting your largesse is not the way to prove those qualities.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is a difficult situation to be in. (((HUGS)))
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    She just came home a little while ago to shower - she has an interview later this afternoon.

    DID find out it IS a man she is interested in, but I got nothing other than his name and where he lives. She said he has been really great with Connor. She won't give me more details for the reasons I thought. And that is okay. I do believe that she is not bringing Connor around bad people or to a bad place. I told her nothing would thrill me more than if she found a great man. (Really, truly - hope they decide to live together!! Problem solved!)
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  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I have nothing to add - but want you to know I care. And I agree, it's time for her to assume independence.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear things are difficult. I am facing a similar issue right now. I think difficult child's and even easy child's need to move out when they hit 18 so they can grow up.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    She gave me few details but let slip a little more as she got a little excited talking about it. He called her as we were talking and asked to take her and Connor out to dinner but they had just ate. She told me the day before they went and got dinner and took Connor to the park. Seems they have been playing house together. She said he is great with Connor.

    I don't mind. I didn't think I would approve, especially of the baby staying there with her, but then I think back on when I met my husband. It was quick, and we knew we were going to be together forever. It was not long at all before M and I moved in to his house. I can only hope she has met someone like I did. I actually feel more at ease knowing that is where she has been.

    husband and I agree the only thing we care about is that he is a good man and he is good to our grandson. There will be hades to pay if he is not!!
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am glad to hear she gave you some information to help you be more comfortable. I completely understand needing to know. I know its none of our business but at the same time they are your child/grandchild and it helps to know they are safe.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just managed to get on here to read this. My mouse died. I am laughing with you about moving....you know, your son will be grown in a couple of years! Hang on.

    The whole time I was reading this I was thinking to myself...M has met a man. Reminds me so much of how Monkey's mom acts. And as you know, you and I have talked before about how we have had some similar things happen to us in our early years.

    I think we gave my son's a really bad example of how to get into a relationship because we never hid the fact that we met and moved in together immediately...and have never parted. They think that is normal and works. Unfortunately it doesnt normally. Cory tried desperately to do the same thing with Monkey's mom. When he was almost 19 he met her and she already had a little boy. Same situation as his father and me. He wanted to make that instant family. He was convinced they could live happily ever after just like us especially when they had Monkey. Obviously didnt work.

    My boys just dont understand how it worked that I met their father at a carnival and went home with him and never left. And that was in 1983! Billy was two and Tony is the only father he knows. Jamie was born in 84 and Cory in 86.

    Now I get how worried you are about your grandson being dragged around. That bugs me to no end. Except for my odd move in with Tony, Billy never met anyone I dated after his father left. I dont think kids should meet boyfriend's or girlfriend's unless or until it appears to be heading somewhere. I cant tell you how many places Monkey and her brother's have been drug around to. There are 4 adults who arent real happy about that. Im pretty sure you know who they are.

    I also firmly agree with you on it being time for her to leave. Living with adult kids is the pits. Ask me, I know, I have been doing it forever! I told Tony that I never, ever want to live with anyone again. He keeps talking about when we go home. I told him if we do, I am cutting off half the trailer and it will only be us. I will just close off all the other bedrooms. I wont have any of the boys there again. If he cant deal with that, he can go back and I will stay here and apply for section 8! I just cant do it again.