I don't even know where to start

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by sadandfrustrated, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. My son is 28 and is living at home with us again and making our life miserable. We had originally thrown him out because he was doing hydrocodone and stealing. Unfortunately, he went to live in cushy surroundings with his friend's family so he didn't exactly suffer. Him and his friend got kicked out of there and were living in the car. Then my son called and said he was going through severe withdrawals and because I'm an idiot and didn't want him dying, I told him to come home and insisted he see my doctor and tell her everything thinking she'd prescribe something that would make withdrawal easier.. That didn't work out as I expected. He was in a collision with our car and does have some back problems. We got sued for that accident by the way. Apparently he showed her his xrays. He's got a bad back, but don't we all? and she put him on Oxycontin for a week and sent him to pain management where he got another script of Oxy. He stealing from us again. We've had a few items go missing. He swears he didn't take them. And he lies constantly and embellishes. He got a really good job quite by accident. I felt like my prayers were answered but he claims now that they fired him because he was supposed to help put in a sink for the owner of the business, but because we wouldn't lend him the car to do it, they fired him. Everything is always our fault. I'm so sick of this.

    We offered to drive him there and back but that wasn't good enough. He really just wanted the car. We won't let him use our car because he disappears with it and racks up miles. As I write this I'm thinking to myself if I was reading this written by someone else, I'd be thinking what the hell with this woman and why doesn't she just throw him out again? I just can't take the constant lying and scheming and whining. He's 28, has never held a job, never had an apartment. We bought all our kids cars after they got their licenses. He sold his to buy a computer. I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. He can be the sweetest, funny person. He makes me laugh, but I wonder how much of that is just him trying to manipulate me.
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, S&F

    We all have been where you are at with your adult child.

    And we all finally get fed up and want to get off the roller coaster ride eventually.

    I think you are there, now.

    So, is it time to give him notice that he must be out in a certain amount of time (maybe one month)?

    He is a grown man, and has been one for a decade now. It is his life, no matter how he chooses to live it. It is not your responsibility to take care of him anymore, or save him from his choices. You must stop feeling guilty and you must allow him to live his own life and learn from his own mistakes and take the consequences. This is vitally important!

    Please stop feeling guilty and stop taking responsibility for your son's choices! This is so important for BOTH of you!

    Please stay with us. We are walking this journey together.

    Apple

     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome sadandfrustrated. Yes so many of us have been there. You do know it's the drugs talking and lying and making him steal. So as long as he is using he will continue on this path. I could no longer tolerate the lying and stealing either. You should not have to live with his bad choices.

    Have you thought of giving him an ultimatum to either go into treatment or find another place to live? It's time he come to terms with what his addiction is doing to his life.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 29, 2015
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, you do. It is just so very hard to do but it is time. For your sake and his. Check into the laws for your state because you may have to go through the eviction process to kick him out. I found that out the hard way when we tried to make out daughter leave and the police backed her up and told us we couldn't kick her out. Even if they don't pay rent some states consider them residents and force you to go through the eviction process.

    Your son may or may not find his way out on his own but letting him stay with you is obviously not making him better and it is making your life miserable. So it is time for him to go. My husband and I went to some Families Anonymous meetings and every parent there said that their adult child did not start doing better until they finally kicked them out and stopped enabling their behavior.

    It took me two years of therapy to be able to let go and let God as they say in Al-Anon. Have you tried going to meetings or finding a therapist?

    Keep posting. Many of us have gone through this and you will find understanding and support whatever you decide to do.

    ~Kathy
     
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  5. Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling post. Yes, I'm fed up and so is my husband. I can't even listen to my son anymore even when he's telling me the most innocuous things because I wonder if he's just setting me up for another scam of his. Did I mention his friend lives here too? Last week the friend needed a ride to the bus stop because he was going to be late for work..ok, fine. I don't want to see this guy lose his job so I let my son take the car but made him promise that he'd drop him off and come right back. He did.. sort of. But they both came back! My son gave me some story about how they got to the bus stop too early so they came back and then both of them walked to the bus stop.. My husband and I just looked at each other in shock and said 'we got played again'..
    I have no idea where they went, but I don't think it was the bus stop.
    Honestly, I don't know whether it's the drugs that make him lie over even the simplest things, or if he's just a liar and that worries me. I wonder if he has some sort of mental issue .

    My husband wants to give him the option of either go away to rehab or leave. I doubt he'll go away to rehab because he doesn't think he has a problem. .

    Truthfully, I'm a little afraid of him. He's sneaky and underhanded. His brother refused to let him use his car and suddenly the front car window got smashed. He swears he didn't do it.

    I don't trust him and that hurts so much to see in writing. My husband and I went out and bought all new door locks but haven't put them on yet. I just bought door and window alarms in preparation of his leaving. We have a hotel room type bolt on our bedroom door, a door lock with key and we also put our filing cabinet with a tin can on top so if the door moves, the can will fall off and bang on the floor waking us up. Can you imagine living like this? My husband and I have a running joke where we'll say is tonight the night he's going to kill us? But, deep down, we wonder. We really don't trust him. He isn't going to leave the house willingly because he's got nowhere to go.

    and yes, I know what I have to do. I just don't want to deal with the fallout and that's what's holding me back. I'll get there. Maybe it would be better if my husband sat him down and offered the choice of rehab or leave. He doesn't try to manipulate his dad as much as he does me and maybe he'll leave willingly. But my husband works nights, so that leaves me all alone in this huge 3 story house with all the windows and doors. I just want to run away.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I totally understand that feeling. I wanted to move and not tell my daughter where we went. And then I would feel so guilty because what kind of mother would think like that?

    I'll tell you what kind of mother . . . one that has been emotionally abused over and over by your beloved child. Lies, theft, drugs, emotional blackmail. Who can take that? Eventually you will reach the point where you just get sick and tired of being on the roller coaster and want to get off. It isn't easy, though, and you will need a lot of support.

    About the fear? It's real and you should be careful. Drugs make our troubled loved ones do things that you never thought that they would do. Once you and your husband really draw the line the sand and stick to it things will get ugly. Be prepared with new locks and an alarm system and don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens you.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  7. Emotional blackmail.. I'm glad you brought that up. He tries that but I didn't recognize it for what it was at first. Now that I think about it, he only does it when we say no to him. At first it was daddy issues.. daddy loved other son from first marriage more than him and honestly, I felt the same way so I'd overcompensate by buying him things, and giving him money . That went on for years since he's been little.

    I really thought we were getting to the root of my son's problems and felt good that he was finally getting this out in the open. I do think he does have dad issues but that argument only surfaces when I say no to him. I see now he's just using that to manipulate me.

    When I started saying no and the daddy issues argument didn't work, he tried other things.. crying, whining, anger, threatening suicide, threatening to disappear forever in 2 days.. Talk about bad mothers.. I was really hoping he would disappear but that was weeks ago and he's still here.

    I gave in this morning and 'lent' him $20.00 so he could buy a soda and a pack of cigarettes. I didn't tell my husband though because I'd never hear the end of it. I know my giving in isn't helping, but I can't deal with all this stress of trying to keep things calm here. I can't deal with my husband who blames me for overcompensating, my other son who always was and still is an angry loud person, and the troubled son. I find myself reaching for the valium more often. The angry son is only here because he's got custody of my grandson and he's away working a lot so I care for my grandson. Otherwise, that son would have been out the door long ago.
    I don't go to a group, but my husband does and he tells me what 'they' call me there. Apparently, I'm known as the 'weaker' parent and they give him advice on how to deal with me..and that pisses me off to no end because I don't like being discussed when I'm not there to defend myself. He always comes home from that group like he's got all the answers and I'm the idiot. I'm not stupid. I know my son needs help and the only way he'll hopefully get his act together is to be forced to either sink or swim and go to rehab, but the real crux of the matter is I need help too. I wish my husband would be honest with his group buddies and tell them that he's the one who's dumping the problem son in my lap just like he does with everything else he chooses not to deal with.. He claims its my fault because I babied my son when he was little so therefore I created this so I have to deal with it.
    My husband keeps telling me 'YOU have to tell him to get out'.. or YOU have to make him go to rehab;... I reminded him that he's OUR son and that we have to present a united front and he gave me his usual excuse that he uses for everything he dumps on me.. well, he has no time because he works so much to pay for this big expensive house and the bills.. etc, etc. I'd gladly get a job but according to husband we cant' afford to get me a car and there's no public transportation where we live and he works shift work and forced overtime so I never know when I'll have the car. I have to ask him for money when I need it, and I friggin resent that so much because I raised 3 kids by myself for years before I married him and gave up my job at his insistence to work for a home based business he started.. So, it's not like I'm sitting on my arse all day eating Bon Bon's. I don't get paid though. The best is he'll want to know what I did with the money he gave me like 2 weeks ago or something. I don't remember. I only buy groceries. I never go out.. We never go out together either for fun. I really do hate the way I'm living if you can call it that. I don't think he realizes it, but it's all about control with him and I'm tired of it. We' have money. He just doesn't want to give me that freedom.
    Good lord, I kinda got way off track there, didn't I?

    The other day I think I seriously may have had a nervous breakdown. Somebody said something.. I don't even remember what it was, but I flipped. I said I can't live like this anymore. I got up and swiped everything that was on the table onto the floor, threw my dinner across the room, hit the chandelier with it. Smashed plates against the wall. I was a crazy person at that moment. I just lost it, and that's so not me. I'm just glad my grandson wasn't here to see that. Angry son actually cleaned up the mess. I think my flip out scared the hell out of him.


    Honestly, I wish they'd all leave. The door alarms should arrive by tomorrow and I'll figure out a plan then. Right now I can't explain how I feel. I'm sort of in like a fog. There's just too much to deal with and I can't think straight.

    You poor people.. :) You just got 30 some odd years of pent up frustration and anger that I've been holding in for that long in my post.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2015
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome sadandfrustrated, you have landed at a good spot, lots of folks with similar stories and good advice. I have been here for just a little while and have felt more empowered each day. I encourage you to keep visiting as you work through your decisions.
    One thing for sure, it is an incredibly life disrupting mess when our adult children choose drugs.

    The key word is ADULT. His world, his choices.

    Pain killers are highly addictive. Addicts will do anything to get their next fix. I finally realized that I had to stop seeing my girls as they once were, as I raised them. I had to see them for what they became-addicted; alcohol, drugs partying -that is their A list.

    This is your description in a nutshell-this is your son.

    This is your son trying to continue to use you so he can keep doing what he is doing.
    This is your son and his friend using you and walking all over your graciousness.

    Written in between the lines of your post, is your acknowledgement of the reality of your sons addiction. That is a big step in the process of helping ourselves.

    The next big step is knowing that we have no control over our adult children, that we are important and have a right to live peaceable lives. What goes on between that knowing is a lot of soul searching, relationship history work, sometimes we land at guilt. Visit it, but do not live there, it is probably THE biggest thing our adult children addicts use to keep us "helping them". Really, everything we do to "help" them ends up FEEDING their addiction.

    This is hard work sadandfrustrated, take some time to be kind to yourself. We all come to understanding and action in our own due time.

    Please take care. You are not alone. Others will come along and post.

    (((HUGS)))
     
  9. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Addiction is a horrible thing! My daughter is the exact same way. I often wonder if she's going to follow through on one of her threats to stab me. It's like living like a prisoner in your own home When she is confronted by the police or a therapist about saying these things, she says she doesn't mean it, she was just mad.After years of living like you have described, we had to give our daughter the ultimatum. Sadly, in this province, she is legally an adult at 16. I couldn't get help from anyone as far as housing goes. CAS, the police, no one. Basically she has to either couch surf, sleep on the streets or go to a shelter. She denies having any problems or addiction too. They probably all do. She is extremely manipulative & an expert at lying. They all blame us it seems as well. We have had everything stolen that can be sold, that could be worth anything to her. One of my therapists once told me that the difference btwn a sober person & an addict is that when something goes missing, the addict will help you look for it. So true!!! So, in the end, the reason we finally decided to give her the ultimatum was because we have a younger son. If anything happened to him I would never, ever forgive myself. I have had a breakdown , I have had to go on stress leave from work & I had to finally pull my big girl panties up & learn that she makes her own choices. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about her choice to live this lifestyle. I have gotten her all the counseling & support she could ever want. She has turned down available beds in treatment homes twice. She is angry, hurt, addicted and destroying her life. It kills me. Each and every day. I wish I could rescue her, I've tried. I can't. No one can. The best thing we can do is to protect ourselves and the rest of our family. When our addicted children are ready for help, we will be there for them, 100%. Try to remember, the addiction is bigger than they are. Their actions most likely are not a reflection of the children we raised, rather a reflection of the drug use. Try not to beat yourself up, if you do decide to ask him to leave, just tell him when he is ready for help, you are here for him. ((HUGS))
     
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That $20 you gave him probably paid for his drugs. If you look at it like that, it is easier to say no.

    ~Kathy
     
  11. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    My story exactly. The lying, stealing, drugs starting with Vicodin from an injury. He moved to the cheaper street drugs after losing his job and moving back home. He has been in and out of rehab and our home sine then. He is here again. Also 28. Not much left to steal but I have hiding places for things I have been able to get (sometimes more than once) out of hock. He has stolen the car twice. I know the struggle between wanting him out but the fear of him out there. I do go to a group but husband won't go with me. He still thinks he can fix him...not working. We are living day to day on pins and needles. Believe me when I say I know how you feel. You are right. You need help too. Please talk to your Dr. Or find a group you are comfortable with. Do something for you. Maybe talking to your husband and expressing your feelings will help you both make some decisions together. Take care of your self and hugs!
     
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  12. Broke&Broken

    Broke&Broken New Member

    ******************************
    I know right where you are because my addicted adult son age 25 is your sons twin.
    I put my son out last year after he moved in a girlfriend over a 3 week period last July. They were smoking K12 also known as Sweed, and RagHead Weed because its sold in all the small grocery stores here that are owned by the Taliban. It didn't stop there though, no he had been stealing whatever he could find in my home which pushed me to start selling off all of my collection of 40 years worth of memories. My son then turned into a monster and started forcing me to go to the bank and give "loan" him money using EXTORTION, MANNIPULATION & INTIMIDATION all blended together with PSYSICAL VIOLENCE.
    Every 3-5 days I was paying extortion money to get his claws out of my back. Last week I finally had the nerve to press charges on him for making threats to come over to my home and beat me up and ripe out the wiring under the hood of my car so I could experience how he was feeling with a broken down Ford Explorer, that I have been replacing parts on since he stuck me with the loan 3 years ago. NO, ITS NOT EASY BUT IT IS NECESSARY TO FINALLY STOP THE MADNESS THAT THEY ARE INFLICTING UPON OUR LIVES. My son forced me to give up all of my savings over the last 2 years. I went into therapy for diagnosed PTSD complications from my only adult son. Don't think you can save him like me, you too will lose yourself in your kid and then you to will be in long term recovery like me. I'm 6'1" 256 pound man, an x-bouncer, not a weekling by any stretch of the imagination and I couldn't stop him and neither can you. let go and let God, everybody told me that but I had to learn on my own terms and looking back I wish I would have listened better. Good Luck!!!
     
  13. I want to thank you all for your thoughtful and insightful responses and for telling me your heartbreaking stories. It must be hard to relive all that you've gone through just so you can help me and I appreciate you all so much for that. I know what I have to do but right now, I feel like I'm in a daze. I can't seem to think and my mind is total mush. I forget what I'm doing half the time. I've decided just for today I'm going to pull a Scarlett O'Hara and not think about him or what I'm going to do. I'm just going to do something for me today. Just for today. I'll be back though.
     
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  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Good morning, S&F/

    I hope you had a good day yesterday!

    Let me get this straight--you and your hubby have three grown men living in your house?

    Do any of them pay rent/buy groceries/do chores/and otherwise contribute to your household? Do they clean up after themselves/cook for themselves?

    Are you paid for babysitting your grandchild?

    Do they treat you with anything less that the ultimate of respect and appreciation?

    If you are not happy with this situation, something must change. You deserve to live in peace.

    Other peoples' bad choices in life do not obligate you to make things easier or better for them. You are not responsible for fixing their lives. In fact, you cannot. You are not a martyr. Don't make yourself into one.

    Stay with us, S&F.

    This is a process.

    Start with step one.

    Apple
     
  15. I had a good day yesterday, actually hubby and I had a good day. We laughed and joked around and hugged like we used to. We both decided we were going to enjoy his day off and concentrate on us. We needed that.

    Honestly, I'm afraid to type anything here at the moment. I don't know anything about computers, but when I logged on this morning my son's name came up which was odd because this is my computer. It gave me the option to switch user.. but as I was going through the settings there was one that allowed other users to see your computer and they went under the name 'SNEAKY'.. I clicked the option to not allow 'SNEAKY' to see everything, but I don't know if I did it correctly. I don't know if he's read my posts here on but I'm afraid to post. He never uses my computer so he must be sneaking on at night when I'm sleeping, or I don't know... could he access it though his wifi enabled phone? by the way, I don't pay for that phone so I can't even shut if off. I thought something was up because he would mention certain things that I looked up or discussed on the computer. I was starting to wonder if he was a mind reader but now I see that he had access to everything I do on the computer. I want to have my other son check out my computer and make it more secure before I respond here.

    I hate living like this.
     
  16. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Because he knows this site's name that might not help you but in the end is it such a bad thing now he knows how much he hurts you. Nothing here is personal in the end thousands upon thousands visit this site.
     
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    S&F,

    I hope you will stay with us.

    You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Your Difficult Child does.

    So what if he gets mad at something that you wrote? It is all true. He should be ashamed of himself.

    You should not be held prisoner in your own home.

    I am worried about you.

    Let us know that you are OK.

    Apple
     
  18. I'm ok. I'm just really sad right now. I found out my son cashed one of the checks a customer had given us so there's no more denial. I have to deal with this. I started a new thread asking what to do. Do I just throw him out now, or offer him jail or rehab and drive his butt to rehab?
     
  19. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Perfect words of wisdom from AppleCori

    "He is a grown man, and has been one for a decade now. It is his life, no matter how he chooses to live it. It is not your responsibility to take care of him anymore, or save him from his choices. You must stop feeling guilty and you must allow him to live his own life and learn from his own mistakes and take the consequences. This is vitally important! Please stop feeling guilty and stop taking responsibility for your son's choices! This is so important for BOTH of you!"

    I let my son back in a few times after I kicked him out. Each time things just got worse, he refused to respect me and my rules, I had to put an end to it. First times I felt guilty like a horrible mother, but he had zero respect for me and kept bringing random girls home to spend the night on week nights (when I told him not to), would come in the house reeking of pot or high on something and would not do anything I'd ask him to.

    I kept letting him come back and it just prolonged the misery. My son doesn't contact me or care about me, it killed me for a while but now I've let go and realized there is nothing I can do. I can't save him from his mistakes or threaten him to stop drugs. One of three things are going to happen to him: He is going to end up in jail, dead or finally wake up and turn his life around. Right now at 23, all he cares about is getting high and partying with friends. He is reckless and driving with no insurance and a suspended license, running out of money (unless he is dealing on the side which I think he is). His choices - I have nothing to feel guilty about. I was a great mother, raised him in a safe environment and took good care of him (all by myself). He grew up to be a selfish drug addicted hateful son. He is all I have but I have learned to detach somewhat and move on with my life. Trust me, it is the worst time of my life and I miss my son but what else can I do? He has gone off the deep end and anytime I offered help he lied, screamed, threw fits and acted crazy so I kicked him out.

    All I can hope for is a miracle at this point and pray I don't get a call from the police.
     
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