I don't get it

[PatriotsGirl]

I do not understand my child.
I saw her on Thursday - she asked if I would give her a ride to see her PO so I picked her up and she spent some time at the house visiting with the dogs and packing up some more things. She seems happy. More importantly, she looked healthy - as in not the gray skin, wiry, mess of a kid I saw on meth. But, I have been surprised before so I don't hold my hopes up too high, but she looks good.
She tells me she keeps her things at this place they call the "compound" because there no one goes through it and messes with her things because there are people in and out of her friend's house that she supposedly stays at. She said she stayed at a hotel for a few days with friends - when I asked her why she said because she wanted to sleep on a comfy bed rather than a recliner, or futon or what ever. Sounds to me like she is couch surfing. And she seems content with this?? I asked her if she was happy and she said yes?? Who would be happy living like that?? Why wouldn't she just go to rehab and move back into the cozy home and life she had with us? I don't get it!
Anyway, am I the only one that just does not understand my child's choices????

 

[CrazyinVA]

You're definitely not the only one. I can't understand either of my children's choices ... but I try hard to remember that their choices are, well, *theirs.* I would never do the things they do, make the choices they make, but I'm me. Detaching myself from worrying about those choices as though they were my own, is really difficult sometimes, especially when I see the toll it takes on them, the toll they seem to ignore. But when I find I am worrying about the outcome more than they are, I realize it's a waste of my own precious energy. Why should I let it stress me out, if they aren't even the least bit concerned with it?

It's maddening, I know.

Hugs.

 

[MrsMcNear50]

Right there with ya Patrioit. Sweet Bets is making those same choices. She has been couch surfing since Feb. My question exactly-Why wouldn't you rather go to treatment and get your life back? I hear-It's ok mom...I'm used to it. I've quit trying to figure that part out and am enjoying my life. Hang in there.

Julie

 

[Hound dog]

I don't get their choices either. I don't even begin to understand katie's way of thinking period.

The only thing I can say is that with addiction it becomes the center of their universe, literally.

((((hugs))))

 

[katya02]

I also don't begin to 'get' my difficult child 1's choices. To live in a hoarder's filthy apartment (this was with his girlfriend's mother) with twelve unaltered cats spraying everything in sight, and go around smelling of cat urine for a year ... ! I can't comprehend it. And then his choice of girlfriend ... can't comprehend. Even now, in his own place, his choices in day to day living ... nope, don't get it. I know he still drinks at his place. All I can think is that the alcohol is so important to him, he's willing to live in those ways rather than comfortably, in an environment where he'd get all the support and help he needs to hold a job and move forward in his life. No, you're not the only one.

 

[Bean]

I don't get it either. I can't understand how my daughter doesn't strive for something better. She's been in and out of family's homes, sleeping over here and there, lost countless IDs, clothing, products... it just goes on and on. But she's not "uncomfortable" enough to work hard to make a change.

 

[dashcat]

Can I join the "I don't get it" club? My difficult child walked away from a good college where she was perfectly capable of doing the work and getting decent grades. She'd said all along that she wanted a college education and to work as an adolescent counsellor. Now she works PT in retail, has abandoned her friends ( all of whom are in college) and hangs with what I would describe as a dubious crowd. She lives in a world full of lies and drama she's created and I cannot help but be baffled. She could be living on a college campus, having fun with friends and making memories - she has the support and the smarts to have done this fairly easily. But this is her life and, like all of you, I have to just let it be.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Wow. I read over your responses and I am in awe. I don't think I will ever understand how these kids make the choices they do. I was on my own at her age, but I didn't have much of a home life anyway. Nothing like the cozy little life she had here. I guess she has to follow her own path and all I can do is pray that she finds her way. She isn't hurting any one, at least not in this house and she has not asked for a thing from us. She seems very determined to maintain her independence, as uncomfortable as it may be. I just wish she would have made the choice to get treatment, move home and get a job, go to school, etc. Then again, nothing in her life has gone as I dreamed it would.

 

[Mom2oddson]

I had a hard time understanding my difficult child's choices too. He couch surfed for 3 years. I know a lot of it had to do with the drugs/alcohol but I also wonder if part of it wasn't his ODD. Doing anything that I might like, approve of, or want was something he couldn't do. He always had a need to do the oppposite of what I wanted even if it meant hurting himself.

It was the hardest thing to sit back and let him live his life. And it took a lot of practice to say NOTHING when he stopped by. It was "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" when he had a complaint without adding any thought or opinion. Or the "Oh, that's nice" even when what he was bragging about wasn't so nice. But by stepping back and not doing anything constructive but listening, it seemed to help him hit his bottom. We'll see what happens from here.

I know with my past, I made stupid choices and none of it was thought out. A lot of it had to do with my own lack of self-worth and thinking I didn't deserve better. And the other part was a total lack of self-responsibility. I didn't have a clue how to do anything to take care of me. So I flipped, flopped and figured it out the hard way.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, mine just called and asked if she could come over and visit for a while and then get a ride back home. She tells me she is moving a few cities away. She says she is moving in with a couple that lives over there. She said this way she can take her bed and things. Fingers crossed this is a better move for her. Still, why not just go to treatment and move here? Ugh.

 

[Hound dog]

Well I certainly hope it is a better move for her. I'd enjoy the visit and do my best to let the rest go. I don't get the drifting thing............ not at all.

 

[Star*]

You know - When I was a teenager I thought like a teenager. The things that my parents would throw at me as far as their thoughts seemed so square and stifiling - I thought I would suffocate. No really - Literally did.not.get.them. Squaresville. Then when I got in my 20's and got married, had a child, had my own house and watched my son grow I remember the first time he did something and the words came out of my mouth that I still to this day remember - They were "MY PARENTS WORDS!" (insert shudder) Oh MY! I mean there was my son - running around at about 18 months old with a fork in his hand, and I had stepped into the kitchen for just a split second - SPLIT second and there he was headed for the living room outlets and I yelled "DUDE NO! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?" Well of COURSE he wasn't TRYING to kill himself - he was 18 months old, he had a fork, he had NO CLUE about electricity in the walls of the house. He just knew the pointy thing may fit in the hole thing and was headed to try it out. How did I know it would kill him? I was 25 years old - I'd lived a life - I went to school, I'd been around - I knew what electricity and a fork would cause and that's why DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF came out of my mouth.

So as he got older I just naturally assumed (and I hate that word) that he would gain the worldy knowledge handed to him by us; his parents, and his schools' drug program, and his peers, and everyone else in the world telling him - Do good in school, stay away from trouble, drugs, and booze - (although I consider booze a drug) and - did he take the advice of ANYONE? No......Did he hear me yelling "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF? ME?" No. Wouldn't you think (pounds head with finger) that at 18,19,20 years of age SOMETHING sunk into that brain of his? SOMETHING - ANYTHING - ? And then I sat there and thought - WHAT sunk into MY brain at 18, 19 - 20....????? Was it that my parents advice was wonderful, all knowing and I should do what they tell me? nooooooooooooooooo I was an idiot. Yes - I know hard to believe - but I thought back to the age of your Daughter Pats girl and it's like - Someone has encased her brain in cement and not even Xray vision can see through it.....and almost any and everything you say ? LAME, and STIFILING, SUFFOCATING - and you could NOT be MORE wrong about a single thing at this point in her life according to her - if you tried. However - it's your job to point out these ridiculous things (although the more you point from my experience with Dude? The less i accomplished) Find yourself a book on effective communication - it's worked wonders with my relationship with Dude and my ability to relate to him and how to talk to him so he listens to me - really.

But trying to understand it? (makes awful exhale noise) - Oh what a complete, and utter waste of MY time. I didn't understand MYSELF at that age - HOW in the world would I begin to understand my son's inability to make good decisions - and I had NO disorders, no addictions.

Now would I think at 40...........ish (hehe) that a nice warm bed vs. a roach motel and a bunch of struggling kurmudgeons all having ramen noodle cup of soup would be better? You KNOW I would. Would I get why a teenager would think the Ramen Noodles would be better? yup. It's hip. the struggle - the life - the freedom. The choice is mine....I'm a freedom seeking ididot on a mission for ramen noodles and bedbugs or lice - YUP----it's a goal to be sure. Have I the ability to sleep in a warehouse and share a BK whopper with 3 people because we panhandled for change playing a bad guitar we got selling plasma? Sure - do I want to? No. But OH what a great story that will be to make her humble someday

So while you may not understand? Just try to think of it as your daughters time to find uses for raid, chigger out - Xrid.....and allow her to embrace her stupidity. Todays bad mistakes can sometimes SOMETIMES make her a better and more humble person later and THAT is something you can tell her and just support her in an effort to find a drug free lifestyle and always let her know even if she's not allowed back while she's doing drugs - you DO love her, and will be there for her WHEN (never IF always WHEN) she chooses to get clean. Other than that? Don't try to understand her - Just love her, and pray for her - and let her know that.

in the mean time? Know that you have friends that understand your pain, love you - and pray for you (and her) -

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[PatriotsGirl]

She tells me she is clean, she tells me she can pass a drug test. She is even willing to complete a program to get back into the house. NOW my problem is finding a residential program! Nothing looks like it is going to happen quickly and I don't know what to do in the meantime. I want to stand firm because it is the only thing that has worked, but it is not her fault that I am having a difficult time finding a place. So do I leave her homeless for months if that is how long it takes?

 

[DammitJanet]

Thats definitely a hard one.

 

[Hound dog]

Star has a very valid point. The drifter sort of lifestyle would've never appealed to me because that was sort of the lifestyle I had with my mom.............My rebellion went the other direction back to old fashioned morals, home, hearth, and kids. lol Still I found more than a few of my mother's words coming out of my mouth once I had children. lol

My kids thought I was much too strict a parent and that I suffocated them. All their friends got to do everything and they never got to do anything if it was fun. (not true but in their opinion this is how it was) At least until their own children were born. They are currently raising theirs basically the same exact way they were raised. So it must not have been too bad. lol Still we had the Mom is an idiot phase. It' s why easy child is paying off someone else's school loan and living in her mother in law's house when she owns one of her own................and Nichole is still in Mom is an idiot phase unless it comes to aubrey. lol But she is quickly changing her attitude.

I understand about the wait on the program. No it's not her fault. But if I let her stay with me, she'd be taking a supervised pee test every day. First time it showed positive out she'd go. Supervised because gross as it is........is is not that hard to substitute someone elses urine. Lord knows I've watched bff do it enough times and get away with it. ugh

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I posted in the subtance abuse forum, but the place she has her drug and alcohol classes at are doing a referral for her to go to a residential program in Massachusetts. The program is a year long. I have a hard time believing she will commit to a program that long, but I don't think she has many options at this point. husband has agreed that she can stay here while we are waiting for a bed to open. But she must pass a drug test and she is not allowed to be here if we are not. I don't think it will be long before they are ready for her and when they do call, either she goes or she goes back to being homeless. It's the only solution I can think that is best for every one. Though, she has gone radio silent on me today. She is getting my texts and ignoring me. I need to stop getting sucked in to trying to save her again and I see myself going right back there. Detaching and being firm is the only thing that has produced any kind of progress and I don't want to revert. Help me stay strong ladies...

 

[Hound dog]

You can do it hon. Sometimes it's one hour at a time, but you can do it. It isn't your fault she has left herself with little choices.

(((hugs)))

 

[Star*]

Well - it sounds like you have done the utmost best you can do short of throwing her to the street - and since I, and many others here have also been on that precipice of do you truly let them go live in a park under a picnic table in a hobo camp or bring them in? While I don't agree EVER with bringing them home - I think I know where you are emotionally and mentally. It's like - WHAT happens to ME at this point if I say GO THERE (points to park) and lives in the streets with a drug problem, in the Winter time with no help from your family and then something really horrible happens when they're asking for help? The 'I'll never forgive myself' card gets thrown - and sometimes I think it's better to do what the heart says than what the brain knows - just that one.LAST.time. It's almost like the Forest Gump in your brain is saying Stupid Is As Stupid Does - and you can even see his face saying it with the expressions and all.....

My bit of advice? We sat down with our shrink and drew up (albeit a ridiculous yet laughable piece of paper) a contract outlining what would happen IF.....and everyone signed it. With the intent that SHOULD rules be broken - THIS would occur. We even claused in a few rewards - never made it that far but it was nice to be fair. Fair er? More fair. See?

Good luck dear - Best of luck and prayers for my niece. I hope she wants it for herself as badly as I do for her.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Nancy]

Add me to those who don't understand. I watch my difficult child who would rather sleep on someone's floor or not know where she's going to sleep one night to the next rather than clean up and come back home where she has a nice room and food and shelter and a family. I don't understand how she can give this all up for what??? Why would she rather wonder what she's going to eat that day or how she is going to get somewhere. I look at her choices and it makes me so sad because if it were me I would do anything to get back what I had. Why does she want to live this way? How can she be happy?

I keep going back to what they told us in rehab, that when they are using it is the most important thing in their lives, that this disease is cunning, baffeling, powerful and sophisticated and it takes over their mind and that's what they live for and that we don't understand because we are not alocoholics/drug addicts. I will never understand how this life is better than the one they could have.

No matter how many stories like ours I read or hear about I am always struck by how we walk the same paths, our stories are all the same. Just change the name of our difficult child's but the stories are the same.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You ladies truly rock!!! I am extremely determined in my stance that when they call, either she goes to the program or she goes somewhere else. It has not been a fun time with her here already. husband warned her about something last night and her response was, "duh". Um, not a great response when you are here on very fragile ground honey. Of course that set him off and she doesn't understand why. I explained to her that she has put us through SO much that we are hypersensitive to anything that could be construed as disrespectful. She claims he treats her like **** but she doesn't seem to see that it is a direct result of everything she has done. We know nothing else but bs from her, you know? So when we see it creeping back we are not willing to put up with it. I told her it was her choice to come here. She demands respect, but my goodness you need to earn it first! She certainly does not have to be here and she certainly does not have to live here after the program. I keep reminding her of that. So I am trying to ride this out in hopes that she is going into this program. I have told her that if she chooses not go into the program, there is nothing else I can do for her.