I don't know how much more I can take...

[Evilparents]

I am new here, I started by reading other parents posts and then I decided after losing all of our friends that I needed to find somewhere and someone that understands what it is like to have this awful chaotic life.

Our son is 12, ADHD was diagnosied when he was in Kindergarten, then last year as he worsen ODD, not Conduct Disorder and borderline Antisocial personality disorder.

He is my stepson, technically, but I have raised him since he was 4. His bio-mother has never been a big part of his life and refuses to be a constant stable parent. She has mental issues of her own. I realize that this could be part of our son's problem.

However we are doing everything we can, he lies steals, disrupts, disrespects, acts weird, is annoying, defiant, messy, etc.

He is destorying my marriage. We are worn out from the constant teacher's complaints, his stealing and disrespect towards family members, and participating in counseling that he refuses to speak to.

This behavior is now rubbing off on his 10 year old brother and we are in constant turmoil. Everyone says well just give them a good old fashion spanking. Oh this is not what I had imagined when I took on the role of mom,

 

[JJJ]

Hi Evilparent,

I'm glad you have found us. This board is a lifesaver. You are right spankings won't work -- they actually can make it worse.

If you can create a signature (see mine) it will help us learn about you.

Also, who diagnosis your son? is he on an IEP at school? what medications is he on?

((HUGS))

 

[Andy]

Welcome to our world. Sounds like you have been here for several years and just now found our settlement.

I have always been a firm believer in spanking but within limits and under certain conditions with certain kids. I do not think spankings are helpful to difficult children. They do not see that as a discipline. They only see it as the more powerful person hurting the smaller more vulnerable one.

With our kids, we have to be super creative and think outside the box. Thus, others without difficult children in their families do not understand and often think we do not care that our child is doing bad things.

I don't know what will help for your son. Somehow you have to get him to understand that he is in control of his choices. 12 years old is hard - too old for little boy things but too young for older kids priviledges. Do you have him in any sports or activities this summer?

 

[mamabear01]

"However we are doing everything we can, he lies steals, disrupts, disrespects, acts weird, is annoying, defiant, messy, etc."

Some of these things could describe Aspergers. Have you ever looked into it? I didn't know a thing about it until my son turned 10.

Has he had a full neuro work up to determine these things? How is he in school, does he have problems with gross or fine motor skills or with written expression? How is he on routines?

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Welcome, I came to my difficult children through marriage. Things did not happen the way I expected either.

One thing I learned was that my husband and I had to talk. We didn't have to agree but we had to talk. We had to listen. We had to find a few minutes for ourselves. It isn't an easy job but in a marriage it takes a heavy toll.

Also take care of you. A lot of advice can be given about the kids but don't forget you. You are a person too. Take some breaths remember some of the things you like. Baths, books, wine or whatever....make time for it. Even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom for half an hour with a book, a bath and the wine at the same time.

Many hugs

beth

 

[timer lady]

"Hi" & welcome to our little corner of cyberspace. There is much wisdom & support here.

If nothing else, we can be here for comic relief if that's what you need.

Please, please, please, sit down with your husband & start discussing issues regarding your children. Work out a game plan so both of you are on the same page. AND find time for a date night at least once a month. It's a life saver.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.

I think ADHD/ODD is probably not the true diagnosis. Just a gut feeling from your explanation of your boy, plus my own 100 wrong diagnoses for my own son. The first diagnosis. is often ADHD/ODD. It is often NOT the last one.

Diagnoses tend to change--if bio. mom has mental health issues they are inherited. Obviously something isn't right with him. I'd get a second opinioni and I"d take him to a neuropsychologist, then a child psychiatrist. Did Mom do any drugs or drink while pregnant? That could have permanantly affected both children. How do they do in school? Do they have friends? Do you know if they had any early speech delays that maybe resolved (but that is still important). Obviously, what has been done isn't working. I'd want a fresh evaluation, and a very thorough ones, one BOTH boys. One last thing--were they ever sexually or physically abused?
On the spanking, in my opinion it won't do squat for a twelve year old. I used to wish my parents would spank me rather than punish me by my teen years. Plus in my opinion it gives out a bad message to a child already prone to "iffy" behavior. In the long run, spankings won't do the trick. Anyone who thinks "spank him and he'll behave" is clueless. There is something wrong with him.
Get him to a private neuropsychologist You can find them at university hospitals and children's hospitals. You may need a doctor's referral, but we didn't. This is 6-10 hours of serious testing.