I don't know...(long)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KTMom91, Oct 15, 2009.

  1. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    My thoughts have been going in circles all evening, and I just need to get everything out. Maybe this vent is 18 years overdue, I just don't know. Anything I do or say just rolls off her back, I don't think she cares about anything, my mom says she does, she's so hostile to Hubby for no reason, won't even answer a question...OK, breathe, back up, I'll try this in a more coherent fashion.

    Miss KT is back to her old witchy ways when it comes to Hubby. She HATES him and can't even bring herself to speak to him like a civilized person. She went to a concert Tuesday night, we'd gotten the tickets for her birthday present. She went to the fair this afternoon. Hubby hadn't seen her, so he asked her how the concert was. Her response (in a really snotty tone)? "I didn't go to a concert." He asks, "Didn't you go last night?" "That one. Yeah. It was fine." OK then.

    I have a cold, the flu, something that's wearing me out, besides the armed camp I'm living in. I went to lay down about 6 this evening, and was awake, but not in the room, for the next confrontation. Miss KT: Did you ever fix the printer? (again, the snotty tone) Hubby: Yes, it's hooked up. Miss KT: Then why can't I print from my laptop? Hubby: If you'll bring it...Miss KT: F it, I'll just go to Nana's. Stomp, stomp, stomp. She would have slammed the door, but she doesn't have one. It's pretty hard to slam a curtain.

    I haul myself up and go ask her what her problem is. She doesn't care. About anything I have to say. And cares nothing about showing any respect. Everything is just fine when HE'S not home, and she just doesn't get that she's the one causing the difficulties. I give up on trying to talk to her, go out in the living room...and then my head starts spinning.

    I'm not a person who ever wanted a houseful of kids. I'm not a warm, nurturing earth mother type. Had I not gotten pregnant unexpectedly, I doubt that I would have tried to have a child. I don't know what it's like to have the normal type mom experiences. Everything with Miss KT has been a battle of some kind. I envy people who enjoy spending time with their kids, because, for the most part, I don't. She's rude, hostile, and mean to Hubby, she's wrecked most family-type gatherings, alienated herself from Hubby's family, with the exception of Son #2, whom she adores. She has my mom snowed, to the point where my mom is firmly on Miss KT's side, so Hubby and I are the bad guys. She's divisive and does a great job of driving a wedge between people.

    I'm stressed, almost to the breaking point, I've been sick for weeks, and I'm back to living in an armed camp, in the middle, all because my daughter refuses to show even the tiniest amount of respect for my husband. Although it may not be politically correct to say this, there are many, many days where I wish I had not had a child. I look around and see people who get great joy from their children. Her rudeness and hostility makes her so difficult for me to like. I know there's nothing I can do about her attitude. I can't fix her, change her, help her...I feel really sorry for her, though. She's rejected her father and his family, Hubby and his family, and says she doesn't care about not having a father.

    If you made it this far through my late-night ramblings, thank you.
  2. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    KTMom, I hear you, I hear you so well.

    Although unlike you, I am more an "earthmother" type, I always wanted a large family with a lot of children. But so often (although I feel guilty even thinking this, let alone typing it on the computer), I think to myself: "Why didn't I stop before that last child?" Yes, I often imagine my life, the life of my whole family, without difficult child, and I think life would have been better without him. Even last week, when we made a sort of pre-wedding party here in our home in order to meet the "other side" and we were about 70 people here, towards the end difficult child got drunk and started a fist fight with his older brother (39), and one of my sons-in-law separated them and he got badly hit in the process! He always spoils everything, and I am dreading what will happen at easy child's wedding (Nov. 1).

    He also finds it very hard to communicate "normally" with his father, and also, like your difficult child, doesn't realise at all that he is responsible for the tension (although I must admit my husband also plays his part!).

    My only ray of light and hope is that as time goes on, he will leave home. He is already 23, and he does work at the moment, and I just pray the time comes VERY SOON for him to leave. I will not throw him out unless things become really extreme. After the wedding he will be the only one living at home, and we will have to wait and see the dynamics that develop then in our home. I am so tired already, don't have the same strength I had 5 or 10 or 15 years ago. I am now 64, and would appreciate a few quiet years BEFORE I am ancient and too old to enjoy them.

    You are most definitely not alone.

    Love, Esther
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You definitely need and deserve a break. I so know the feeling of feeling like you live in an armed camp. Many hugs and some prayers too.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    All I can tell you is that I used to be Miss KT as far as my Mom's 3rd and 4th husbands were concerned.

    With the 3rd husband.......he wasn't a bad guy, and he did his utter best to get me to like him, and he attempted to fill the father role. I was downright vicious at times. Can't exactly say why.......rebellion on one level I know for certain. But I also knew from the get go that relationship was doomed from the start........so I guess I was also preventing myself from getting close to someone I knew wasn't going to be in the picture long. And he wasn't. Thanks to some of my difficult child behaviors....Mom divorced him after only 2 yrs.

    Husband number 4 was a real ahole. I actiively spent a couple of years trying to scare the man away. lol But he never did the I Need You To Like Me thing. And eventually, despite the fact he could be such a major ahole.....I grew to find things about him I did like. For one, he adored my kids.

    I've since found husband number 3 on classmates and apologized to him. The guy had really tried to be a dad to me, protect me, watch over me, guide me, many a time he stood up for me with Mom who always went too far........And I treated him like crappola in return. So in my apology, I thanked him for what he did do.

    That said, I loved and adored my Mom's 2nd husband.......but he's also the man who raised me even after they divorced when I was 6-7 yrs old.

    I have a feeling some of difficult child's reaction to hubby is just plain outright rebellion. At this stage in the game she doesn't want yet another adult telling her what to do. So she's jumping the gun and lashing out first. Then you've got all that hurt bottled up from biodad falling short of the mark..........and I'm sure that's making it worse.

    Mom was married to # 3 for only 2 yrs. She was married to #4 for 20. #4 lasted that long because we were all out of the house by then....and she ignored our opinions and comments. The relationship was just between them. And each of us grew to like him to one extent or the other. Not saying the man was great..........but we eventually found things to like about him.

    Especially as we each matured and delt with our own "stuff", bagage we carried into the relationship.

    So I have a feeling difficult child is being both rebellious, and somewhat jealous that husband is all the man her father isn't.......yet to accept husband.....means (to her) to toss her dad aside.........and she's just not ready to do that. As she matures, she'll realize she doesn't have to toss dad aside to enjoy a relationship with your husband.

  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Lisa, what a great perspective. I know I came into difficult child's life when he was about 9. I was a great mom, but he resented me SOOO much as I took time from dad who is all he had for 9 years. Even things like family dinners were stressful.

    KT, all the 'advice' I can give is that when they get older, they will see their actions and realize that someone was only trying to love them. It's just whether the adult can make it through that time.

    J loathed me. I never heard such vicious, vile things and doings come from a kid. But, it now seems as he's looking back at his actions. I'm not such a bad person after all. It doesn't help that he's been AWOL for many months now, but at least it was a step.

    When all is said and done, you will only have your husband to rely on. Your kids will be grown and gone and you just each other to look in the face every day. Savor that and nurture that. KT will come around in her own time. Unfortunately, that could be weeks, or years...or decades.

  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Mary -

    First and foremost, if you've been sick for weeks you need to go to the doctor. Whatever you started out with may have gone from viral to bacterial by now. You need to take care of ou.

    I wish I had something to offer about KT. My mom married my stepfather when I was 11 and I didn't feel any differently about him at 18 than I did at 11. IOW, we were like oil and water; except in my case I'm pretty sure it was mutual.

    However, it is your home and husband is your husband and KT is an adult now. I would say if she wants the privileges of being an adult in your home, then she needs to start acting like one and treating your husband with all the respect he deserves as your husband, regardless of her personal feelings. She can not care all she wants quietly and to herself.

    There's more I want to say, but I can't get my thoughts together. Maybe we can chat later?

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree that you need to see a doctor. Most everything is a little more tolerable if you don't feel awful. Not that everything should be tolerated.

    Ms KT is an adult. I know she lived with her gma for a while. OR I think she did. What is she getting out of living with you now? Esp if gma is firmly on her side?

    Our kids are HARD. To live with, to understand, to help and to tolerate. Sometimes even to love. It stinks. I wish I had a magic formula to handle things.

    Your hubby sounds like a great guy in many ways. She might have hated anyone who came into your life. WHo knows?

    As an adult, and even though she is "still" in school she IS an adult, the rules are different. Children can get away with rudeness and petulance and horrible behavior. Adults find themselves with few options when they act that way.

    You need to get healthier and then sit and think about what you want with regards to Miss KT. About what you can expect realistically. About how you do/will feel about yourself if you continue to tolerate this behavior.

    Then it is time to have an honest and open chat with your husband about all those same things from his perspective. You might get some benefit from having a counselor help with this discussion. It depends on your relationship.

    Once you and husband are on the same page you can form some limits. What she has to do if she continues to live there. What financial support you will give her if she leaves to go to gma or if she leaves to go to a friend/boyfriend.

    You cannot really change her behavior. All you can do is change where she does these behaviors. And how much support you choose to give her if she chooses to keep these behaviors.

    Just remember, you cannot control gma either. You can refuse to discuss it with her, or to let her be disrespectful to you or pressure you. SHE has to make her own decisions with respect to Miss KT also.

    I hope that you can find some peace in your home someday soon.
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    First of all....GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!!!

    Sorry.....didn't mean to yeall but geesh! Sick for WEEKS??? Hellooooooooo!!!! :tongue:

    Ok now, here's what I think you should do.

    You: Kt, we need to talk.

    Kt: What? (snotty)

    You (calmly but in a matter of fact manner): This house, the one you live in, is OUR house. Our being myself and husband. You do not own it, help pay for it or have any legal claim to it. We ALLOW you to live here. husband is my HUSBAND. You are my DAUGHTER. While I love you very much, I didn't choose you....I got what God/fate/the faeries (pick one or insert one of your own) gave me. I CHOSE husband. I'm done mediating, I'm done talking, I'm done period. As I said, I love you but if you can not even attempt to show husband even the most basic of respect or courtesy in his OWN house, you are not welcome to live here. I love you but I've had it with your attitude, your nastiness and your attempts to turn people against me/husband. Unless you can behave as the civil "adult" you claim to be, you can go live with your Grandmother. You have a week to make up your mind or pack. Your choice.

    Then walk away. I know she'll probably start arguing, yelling, blaming, whatever but continue with your talk and then walk away. Leave the house if you have to but walk away. And of course, give husband a heads up so he's not gobsmacked when she runs to him screaming about ruining her life and how he's the devil.

    Hugs. You've had enough and you and husband deserve to have your marriage back. She's an adult. She needs to either act like it or get out.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Mary, I've met your husband. He's a doll. I have every confidence that he has only good intentions when it comes to MissKt and I could see in his eyes how much he adores you.

    That said, glean from Lisa's and Abbey's posts what you can and cannot live with- their posts are filled with sage experience/advice.

    husband is your husband and hopefully you will be partners for life. KT needs to respect your relationship and concentrate on her education, not be a butthead towards him.

    I know that Rob didn't respect me when I bent over backwards for him. He only learned to respect me when I drew the line in the sand and made him honor it as well. It's incredibly difficult.

    Big hugs,
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I talked to Miss KT yesterday, told her she might want to talk to Nana about moving back in. She said, "I don't think I want to do that." Me: "If this behavior continues, you won't have a choice about it." We'll see if it sinks in...

    And for those of you yelling at me...I have a doctor appointment at 3.

    Thanks for the suggestions.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you are seeing the doctor. I hope he can help you get better ASAP!

    As for Miss KT not "wanting" to move in with Nana, I will take my cue from the ever so eloquent Bill the Cat


    I think you are about to give the child a dose of real adult responsibilities.

    Good Job!
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Well...the doctor says I have H1N1. Lovely. Hubby is all stressed out.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Mary, you durn well better be getting some heavy duty spoiling, and I'm not just talking about husband as I'm pretty sure he's at least trying to spoil you.

    Take good care of yourself. Push those fluids, juice (orange). Make sure to get plenty of rest to let your body fight. Most especially since you've been sick for awhile now.

    I'm so glad you got yourself into the doctor.

    Get well soon.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm so sorry you have the hini virus....Use this to your every advantage while you can. Tell mouthy teen daughter that if she acts out while you are sick she'll NEVER know what of hers you coughed on. :sick: That should at least get you 6 weeks of peace and quiet. (Ahhhhhhchooo)

    Hugs ( But like from a distance, with a space suit on) ;)
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Mary--I've been battling H1N1 since last week. It is hard to get rid of. I go 12-15 hours with no fever, feel like I'm better, than bam---I'm knocked back down again. Are you taking Tamaflu. I feel like it helped. husband was also on it, but didn't finish his dose, so yesterday I started his leftovers. It is so hard.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope you get better soon (You too EW and EW's husband). This is NOT something to play with, as you know.

    Take good care of yourself. Keep us posted once in a while so we don't worry too much.

    Many gentle hugs and a big vat of chicken soup!