I dont know what to do anymore.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kgerrie, Feb 15, 2013.

  1. kgerrie

    kgerrie New Member

    Hi everyone, i found this site as i was looking for answers i suppose.
    I stopped enabling my 18 year old son in sept of last year after a hellish few years trying to deal with his anti social behaviour and drug taking, after sleeping rough for a few weeks he begged for a place to stay while he found somewhere to live. My husband (his stepdad) and i agreed. We found somewhere for him to live and were sorting out the minor details and agreeing to pay the rent in advance and a deposit for him. The week before he was due to move in he left a candle burning in our front room and caused a house fire burning his hands badly in the process, thank god he and everyone else were all ok at the end of the night. He insisted in moving into his flat after a week had gone by and said he was fine and he could cope.
    I have since helped him with problems with his landlady, making up his rent sorting out housing benefit etc. When the landlady was meant to return the rent in advance we had a fight on our hands to get it back, in the end it was paid to my son who promptly spent it. He promises to come round and pay us back but guess what he never turns up.
    He phoned me earlier tonight informing me he thinks he missed his job seekers appointment which means his benefits will stop and he will lose his flat and that he will probably have to sleep on our sofa again.
    I have just come to terms with my husband being diagnosed with a pancreatic growth, and it really feels like my son will never try and just live life get a job not take drugs and behave. I suffer from depression too and i sometimes just want to disappear as nothing ever seems to get better.
    Does it ever get any better, or is this as good as its ever going to get.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. I guess you are at a crossroads. Many of us have been there and soon others will sign on and likely give you some good supportive advice. I haven't had that situation and I'm beyond pooped tonight. So...I'll just say glad you found us. Hugs DDD
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Kgerrie. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    Your son really sounds like he's got some serious issues. Assuming that he is not on drugs, has he ever been diagnosis'ed with-a learning disability or mental illness? Would he go to a dr appointment if you went with-him?

    Not that you want to, just that it may help in the future. You're clearly got your hands full with-your husband's pancreatic growth and I assume upcoming surgery.

    Please make sure that you stay on your medications and that you take care of yourself throughout your husband's ordeal.

    You may have to make a choice to get your locks changed and force your son to leave, knowing that he may have to live on the street. I hope that others here who have been in your situation have some advice.

    I am sending hugs.
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just wanted to say hello and welcome. There is a forum for people whose kids are over 18. They might have mo experience. I have no advice just sympathy.
  5. kgerrie

    kgerrie New Member

    Thankyou to everyone who commented. Just to know that im not alone is a great comfort.
  6. comesailawaywithme

    comesailawaywithme New Member

    This is as bad as it's ever going to get. I am so sorry for your loss. You obviously care deeply about your son and miss the way he was before all this started. The depression you may be feeling perhaps stems from the memories of when things were happy in your life and you want that back. It will come. The hardest part of living, sometimes, is simply waking up each morning and hoping for something to work out. When it doesn't, it becomes harder to wake up the next morning..but..you can! I am a single mother of four. It does not matter what is going on really, let's just say I can relate and often wonder "why am I still getting up in the morning?' The answer is because I have something to contribute, even if my children don't appreciate it. You are obviously a devoted mother and YOU have something to contribute. The only thing certain about tomorrow morning is that is it going to be different. Try to focus on one thing that makes you happy. Just ONE. I like painting my nails. Every time I look at them, they are pretty and I can smile, if even for a little bit. When I go to the grocery store and someone likes my nails, I feel good about it. I know nails won't save the world or anything, but sometimes being happy has to start out small. I hope you can smile today. You seem to be a wonderful person that deserve for things to work out. They will, it just takes time, in the mean time, go look for something small that does work out and build upon that success.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you post on Parent Emeritus, you will find many parents dealing with "grown" (cough, cough) children like your son and maybe you can get some fresh ideas because we've tried it all...lol. No, you are NOT alone.
  8. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,
    I'm glad you found us, and I'm so sorry you are going through all this with your son.

    Without knowing all the back story and details, I think you are seriously trying to help him without enabling him. However, if he continues to use drugs and miss his Job Seekers appointments, he will end up without resources and will plead with you to take him back.

    He needs help to get off drugs - has he asked for that help? He spent money which belonged to you, and I can only guess what he spent it on! You and your husband have health issues that will need all your strength and attention. I don't know if you have other children in your home that you are also responsible for as well. You and your husband will need to decide how much or how little you are willing to do for your son, but as long as you support him, if he doesn't have to straighten up, he won't. Of course you know you have to set boundaries, but I agree it's hard when you have children that you are concerned about.

    The last line in your post says it all: "Does it ever get any better, or is this as good as it's ever going to get?" I guess that is up to you and your husband. Supporting them while they're trying to get clean and sober is wonderful if you're able, but anything that enables substance abuse will never make anything better for you...just for your son, and only temporarily. The hardest part of being a parent is being consistent and loving without enabling. Please also value yourself, your emotional well being, and your health, as well as that of your husband. Remember your home is your sanctuary.

    Again, welcome, and I hope you come back and visit with us. Stay strong.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    Do they ever grow up?