I don't know what to do with her anymore!

[wheresmylilgirl]

Hi, mothers, I'm new here. I have 3 children 1 girl 13 1/2, and 2 boys ages 12,9. I'm here to get some advice on my daughter. She has me at the end of the rope. I love her very much as I do my boys. She hasn't had the best years of her life, never meeting her father, me going through marriages that didn't work, basically I'm all she has. I've always kinda put her on a pedestal, I guess I felt bad for her not having a dad around, or maybe cause she's my first child, honestly I do know I have spoiled her ROTTEN. She comes first sadly before anyone. Her behavior is terrible, I do believe she is depressed. She throws tantrum worse than a 2 year old, literally laying on the floor kicking. I have a hard time believing this is my child. Her tantrums are usually over cleaning her room or homework. It's bizzare. She doesn't like anyone, I constantly find her writing bad about me, she is obsessed with her weight which she is skinny as they come, but no one could ever tell her that. She started watching about a little over a year ago kids cutting on u tube. I didn't know she was doing such till I found a razor blade underneath where she was laying when we were staying in a hotel on her b day getaway. I talked with her and of course I was very worried and I believed we got through that. I was wrong. I just again found out she is cutting not her arm but now her legs not to the point of blood cause she is deathly scared of the site of blood and passes out, she implies that all girls do it! I do know thats not true. I don't know where to start with some kind of therapy for her. counselor? Psychiatrist? Yesterday I saw a video she made of herself on my computer but it was in the recycle bin, she was crying, about how she hated her life and hated everyone. She said she couldnt take anymore, and kinda insinuating she was or had taken some pills... but I know she has no pills. She said she knows I dont love her and her brothers hate her. Which is ALL a lie, I've taken her to counseling before only for her to go in and say nothing! She tells me if I take her to a DR... he will give her happy pills. I don't believe that to be true, I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life and know theres no pill to take away your past, I know theres really no HAPPY pill out there or everyone would be on it. I try to talk with her but she says you don't understand. I wish there was something I could say and do better, but no matter what I do for her it ends up meaning nothing to her. She isolates herself in her room and is either on her cell or computer. I would like to take that away from her, but then she would go into freak out mode. I have had to call the cops on her before at the time she wasnt 12 and she had kicked me and the cop said if he got a call back and she was 12 he would take her to juvenile hall, she disrupts the peace in my home continuously, please HELP!

 

[SuZir]

Hi and welcome! Sorry you needed to find us.

I think Psychiatrist is the place to start for you. She has some very worrying behaviours. Self-harm, suicidal ideation and it seems clear she is not well at all at this moment. Puberty probably has a lot to do with things escalating. Don't blame yourself too hard. Your child is not behaving like only thing wrong with her would be being spoiled rotten. It sounds like she has real, medical issues. And while you are right and there is no happy pill that would fix her, she may be in need of medication.

How does she do socially? Does she have stable group of friends? How do you think about her social skills?

And is this new behaviour or an escalation of something that has been going on for years?

 

[wheresmylilgirl]

When she is around her friends which she does have a lot of, she is ALWAYS happy, but then she tells me she is faking it. I don't understand that part. She does have a good group of friends, but she doesnt do a lot of outside activities with them and doesnt ask them to do anything with her. I believe it's escalated over the years. I just called a psychiatrists office, waiting to see if we can get her in. What if she doesnt tell them everything? she says she wants to picture and choose what she tells them. I said I want it all laid out on the table.

 

[SuZir]

I believe it's escalated over the years. I just called a psychiatrists office, waiting to see if we can get her in. What if she doesnt tell them everything? she says she wants to picture and choose what she tells them. I said I want it all laid out on the table.

How about you try to write it down? Make a time line about her life, major events in her life and when you started to see these behaviours. And of course describe recent ones clearly. Try to make it clear and in order. If nothing else, it will help you see how things have gone and make some sense to the mess.

When a child is truly escalating and not doing well, it all feels such a chaos with no beginning or end or any thread binding it all together. When you start to put things to the paper and make time line out of it, you start to see patterns and kind of 'storyline' in it. That really helps for example when you are talking to the psychiatrist about what are your worries. You may also notice something you have not noticed ever before and connect dots you have not even thought before.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Start a parent report (find a recent post by susiestar, she has the link in her signature). It will help you pull together the past history in a logical fashion so you can share it with anyone who is involved in trying to get help for her. Having a pre-organized data set tends to go over much better than trying to go from memory. Trends and patterns show up. It just really helps everybody, including you.

I don't know what is actually going on with your difficult child, but something is going on and she does need help. There's a difference between therapists and evaluators. For a therapist (therapist) to work, the difficult child has to build a relationship with the therapist, and that takes time. It doesn't work for a parent to jump in and try and direct what is or isn't covered etc. BUT... when it comes to getting evaluations, it's a different story. The evaluator needs to know everything possible from every possible source, including doing their own testing, in order to come up with an accurate picture.

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion...I think not seeing her father and your failed marriages (were any violent? Is it possible anyone sexually abused her?) has to have had a HUGE effect on her. It probably affected your boys too, but they maybe have different fathers??? and maybe have a stronger genetic constitution toward conflict and chaos. I'm NOT trying to make you feel bad. I'm simply trying to say that I feel her behavior has a lot to do with the past and that her behavior is a red flag for possibly being sexually abused. Cutting isn't really a fad for most kids. My daughter did it. So did one of my best friends. Both had been sexually abused. Both said they did it to blot out the pain. Both said it was hard to quit doing it, that it became addictive. I do not know if this "addictive" thing is the rule for most k ids who cut, but it's a red flag that something bad is going on inside.

in my opinion she needs a complete evaluation. I'd take her to a psychiatrist AND a neuropsychologist because she is getting older and teens tend to act out even worse than they did when they were little. in my opinion a therapist just isn't enough for this degree of behavior. They didn't have as much education. There isn't as much time to diagnose either because soon s he will be able to refuse to go or to take medications, if that's the plan. I think YOU should have the first session alone with the therapist or neuropsychologist and tell the person EVERYTHING about her life, what she has gone through, the good, the bad and the ugly. They do need to know all about her history, including her life. If you think her biological father had any mental health issues, it's best to tell the doctor. Even though your daughter never met her father, she carries 50% of his DNA in her and he is still with her.

If you are positive she is not using any recreational drugs, then this is a very upset, disturbed child with hormones making her even worse and she needs help. Please don't take this as a negative post. I've been through a lot myself and with my kids, and I tend to call it like I see it without sugar-coating it because in my opinion that doesn't help. Obviously you are a good mother and know your daughter needs help or you wouldn't be here. And we're here to help you.

Welcome to the board and you will get other suggestions too