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I don't like my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 78993" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Nancy, </p><p></p><p></p><p>It's just an observance due to the behaviors you wrote about. Believe me, our genetic pool is a lot LOT more obtuse so chances for my son were bad from the start so WHO knew? </p><p></p><p>My x and his family have a long, long history of abusive behavior. </p><p>That should have been my first clue to run, but my x is a natural born sociopath. He's not nearly human, he's evil. The man that we see for therapy works and helps the prisioners within the prison system so if anyone would know sociopathic behaviors it would be him. </p><p></p><p>All the years of going to him to get my head straightened out, and talking about my x left him with only one diagnosis for my x. Sociopath. The more I talked about him the more he became convinced that maybe he answered to a different master. I told him what my son and I endured was beyond hideous. How I ever got out has only one answer. </p><p></p><p>Then there are my genetics, and being adopted so long ago doesn't really leave me wanting to go searching. I dealt with all that in therapy and I'm happy with who I am and where I came from doesn't matter. At least it didn't until the supposition that my son could be a budding psychopath. </p><p></p><p>The MAIN thing here is me - really. It took me a lot of time in therapy with a good shrink to figure out that while my son has his behaviors all messed up, it's NOT my fault. I learned in therapy how NOT to take blame or responsibility for the things my son said, did, didn't do, or screamed in hatred at me. When he was involved in those breakins I nearly passed out - actually I had a stroke, and later heart attack due to the judge screaming "You could get life". But again - he's 17, and this is his life, those choices were HIS not mine. And he can choose to be a psychopath or not too. </p><p></p><p>There was a joke going around on the internet years ago about an application with a,b,c,d questions for being hired. One of the answers to a question was Goes like an SOB if there is something in it for him. And THAT is my son. Hang the consequences, I just know what I want and if you're in my way I will eat you and spit you out. </p><p></p><p>Well then? So be it. Son or not, I had to start looking at this person like a person not a relative. When he came at me with fangs and loathe, I had to get out my invisible shield and draw from my therapy on how to react. Your reaction to your daughters hateful little comment was correct. You don't give them fuel. If you walk away, she doesn't win - you do. You didn't engage her. And we all know that consequences and punitive threats are well meant but worthless with these kids. SO it's on to bigger and better things like The school of hard knox, life lessons, letting them fall and not picking them up. Letting the real world have their turn and sitting on your hands, and keeping your mouth shut. </p><p></p><p>Without therapy? I could NEVER have done this because I didn't feel I was worthy of his respect. I'm the Mom, I married the bad guy, I let bad things be a part of his youth, I left his dad so I should be MOM and Dad, I took him away to a better life from his crazy father's family, I'm adopted so I must be genetic junk...and on and on. Then in therapy I learned how to communicate or rather NOT communicate with him. I took back control over my home, and meant what I said and did it. If I said "I'm calling the police!" I did! And once I started doing what I said I'm doing he calmed down. When he didn't? I said "You're no longer welcome to live here. I love you, but I care about myself more than to let this continue -this is crazy." Then I made arrangements for him to live somewhere else. And you know what? </p><p></p><p>When he moved I went into his room and sobbed for a solid hour. My baby, the thoughts racing through my head. I just put my baby out into the cruel world. I was a lousy...wait a minute. I'm not lousy I'm caring about myself, I didn't THROW him out - he had a choice, obey the rules of MY home or GET OUT and get his own home. You can do whatever you want in your OWN home. So go. I didn't make him break in, I taught him right from wrong and I did it the best way I could despite his being so ugly towards me. One minute he's nice (to get something) and then the minute I'm done doing (snap) it's over and I'm cow dung. Who else would EVER treat me like this and live to say something else with a full mouth of teeth? No one. SO WHY THEM? </p><p></p><p>There is no logical answer to that question so don't try to answer it. Fact is YOU are a great MOM. You did a fantastic job to give this 'person' a life that was safe, secure, well off, and educated her for the future to live on her own. Even mother birds will drop a fledgling out by the head if it stays in the nest too long. Eventually they fly away and the baby is on it's own to grow up. </p><p></p><p>God made me smarter than a bird - I was sure of that. But then I behaved dumber than dirt because I thought I HAD to keep taking the abuse. Not true. </p><p></p><p>There are places for her to go out of your home. If she's happier there? Good, if she's not? Oh well she had a choice to obey your rules and stay or keep being a jerk and go. And what I know about my son going away is that I am sad he's not here to share things with, then I remember he doesn't want to share with me. He didn't want to live here, he maybe wanted me to be his Mom but he sure didn't SHOW me I was wanted or appreciated. So why keep 'em? I didn't even count down to 18. I told people I would be dead before then, and they got him out. </p><p></p><p>You're too good for what you get from her Nancy. I'm sorry. I wouldn't shelter her any longer, let her have hard knocks. She's going to get them anyway, moving out at 18 isn't going to give her the 1.75 years she needs to mature, she's had 16.25 years to do that, and hasn't changed regardless. The ONLY difference is YOUR life will start to heal sooner. You deserve it. You really do. Ask anyone here, we think the world of you and we don't even "know" you. </p><p></p><p>Good luck and don't dwell on the psycho thing. She can change if she chooses to, and there's nothing set in stone that she is even a psychopath. And if she is? Like I was told - there are functioning psychos everywhere. Past that, it's up to you what you do with YOU to survive. Wherever she lands she'll make it. </p><p></p><p>Sorry for your pain, really and truly</p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 78993, member: 4964"] Nancy, It's just an observance due to the behaviors you wrote about. Believe me, our genetic pool is a lot LOT more obtuse so chances for my son were bad from the start so WHO knew? My x and his family have a long, long history of abusive behavior. That should have been my first clue to run, but my x is a natural born sociopath. He's not nearly human, he's evil. The man that we see for therapy works and helps the prisioners within the prison system so if anyone would know sociopathic behaviors it would be him. All the years of going to him to get my head straightened out, and talking about my x left him with only one diagnosis for my x. Sociopath. The more I talked about him the more he became convinced that maybe he answered to a different master. I told him what my son and I endured was beyond hideous. How I ever got out has only one answer. Then there are my genetics, and being adopted so long ago doesn't really leave me wanting to go searching. I dealt with all that in therapy and I'm happy with who I am and where I came from doesn't matter. At least it didn't until the supposition that my son could be a budding psychopath. The MAIN thing here is me - really. It took me a lot of time in therapy with a good shrink to figure out that while my son has his behaviors all messed up, it's NOT my fault. I learned in therapy how NOT to take blame or responsibility for the things my son said, did, didn't do, or screamed in hatred at me. When he was involved in those breakins I nearly passed out - actually I had a stroke, and later heart attack due to the judge screaming "You could get life". But again - he's 17, and this is his life, those choices were HIS not mine. And he can choose to be a psychopath or not too. There was a joke going around on the internet years ago about an application with a,b,c,d questions for being hired. One of the answers to a question was Goes like an SOB if there is something in it for him. And THAT is my son. Hang the consequences, I just know what I want and if you're in my way I will eat you and spit you out. Well then? So be it. Son or not, I had to start looking at this person like a person not a relative. When he came at me with fangs and loathe, I had to get out my invisible shield and draw from my therapy on how to react. Your reaction to your daughters hateful little comment was correct. You don't give them fuel. If you walk away, she doesn't win - you do. You didn't engage her. And we all know that consequences and punitive threats are well meant but worthless with these kids. SO it's on to bigger and better things like The school of hard knox, life lessons, letting them fall and not picking them up. Letting the real world have their turn and sitting on your hands, and keeping your mouth shut. Without therapy? I could NEVER have done this because I didn't feel I was worthy of his respect. I'm the Mom, I married the bad guy, I let bad things be a part of his youth, I left his dad so I should be MOM and Dad, I took him away to a better life from his crazy father's family, I'm adopted so I must be genetic junk...and on and on. Then in therapy I learned how to communicate or rather NOT communicate with him. I took back control over my home, and meant what I said and did it. If I said "I'm calling the police!" I did! And once I started doing what I said I'm doing he calmed down. When he didn't? I said "You're no longer welcome to live here. I love you, but I care about myself more than to let this continue -this is crazy." Then I made arrangements for him to live somewhere else. And you know what? When he moved I went into his room and sobbed for a solid hour. My baby, the thoughts racing through my head. I just put my baby out into the cruel world. I was a lousy...wait a minute. I'm not lousy I'm caring about myself, I didn't THROW him out - he had a choice, obey the rules of MY home or GET OUT and get his own home. You can do whatever you want in your OWN home. So go. I didn't make him break in, I taught him right from wrong and I did it the best way I could despite his being so ugly towards me. One minute he's nice (to get something) and then the minute I'm done doing (snap) it's over and I'm cow dung. Who else would EVER treat me like this and live to say something else with a full mouth of teeth? No one. SO WHY THEM? There is no logical answer to that question so don't try to answer it. Fact is YOU are a great MOM. You did a fantastic job to give this 'person' a life that was safe, secure, well off, and educated her for the future to live on her own. Even mother birds will drop a fledgling out by the head if it stays in the nest too long. Eventually they fly away and the baby is on it's own to grow up. God made me smarter than a bird - I was sure of that. But then I behaved dumber than dirt because I thought I HAD to keep taking the abuse. Not true. There are places for her to go out of your home. If she's happier there? Good, if she's not? Oh well she had a choice to obey your rules and stay or keep being a jerk and go. And what I know about my son going away is that I am sad he's not here to share things with, then I remember he doesn't want to share with me. He didn't want to live here, he maybe wanted me to be his Mom but he sure didn't SHOW me I was wanted or appreciated. So why keep 'em? I didn't even count down to 18. I told people I would be dead before then, and they got him out. You're too good for what you get from her Nancy. I'm sorry. I wouldn't shelter her any longer, let her have hard knocks. She's going to get them anyway, moving out at 18 isn't going to give her the 1.75 years she needs to mature, she's had 16.25 years to do that, and hasn't changed regardless. The ONLY difference is YOUR life will start to heal sooner. You deserve it. You really do. Ask anyone here, we think the world of you and we don't even "know" you. Good luck and don't dwell on the psycho thing. She can change if she chooses to, and there's nothing set in stone that she is even a psychopath. And if she is? Like I was told - there are functioning psychos everywhere. Past that, it's up to you what you do with YOU to survive. Wherever she lands she'll make it. Sorry for your pain, really and truly Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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