I don't understand

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lwann, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. Lwann

    Lwann New Member

    I had no idea so many others were dealing with the same issues. I should have known, and im so glad I found this forum. I haven't been in one as a parent for many years. When our son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 2 I became very active in a support forum that helped us thru many difficult years. That was just the beginning. 17 years later and many diagnoses including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Tourette's, ADHD, social anxiety, depression, severe acid reflux disease, substance abuse, many therapists, a stint in the wilderness and 6 months in a transition program later, here we are. I've become much stronger thru the process, and my son is in a different place. Not sure if he is better, or just different. We kicked him out last year, and it was a huge shock for all. He eventually got a full time job and was doing "ok", we were helping financially, (so much for tough love) but it was "working". Sort of. He said he wanted to go back to college, so we set boundaries, created an agreement around expectations for grades, etc. And were lulled into a false security. He continues to smoke lots of weed and is a binge drinker. He isn't taking care of his health doesn't test blood sugar, take medications etc. Manages to pass A1c so keeps the car... when he comes home he parties, sleeps all day and is charmingly remorseful so we have let things slide. This weekend he stole my credit card when he came home and bought pizza and beer for everyone, lied about it all, and when caught cries big tears and says he doesn't know what is wrong with him. Says he can't help it. This isn't the first time, but it is the last. If it happens again, I will prosecute. I just don't understand why he is doing it. He is so loving and kind most of the time. Is that just an act? A manipulation? I don't understand. It is heartbreaking that we can't ever trust our son. He lies all the time. About big things and things that don't even matter. He is depressed, anxious, and about to lose his only support system. I'm afraid he may die if we cut him off. He doesn't care for his diabetes. I do realize we all need to detach, and will read more about that here, and dig into others' posts. Any advice or support is greatly appreciated. broken hearted, scared and strong and ready to do what it takes. Thank you for listenng.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Drug users steal. They also lie, a LOT. It just goes together.
    Drug users also do not care about their health - whether they have a health problem or not to begin with. And it's not uncommon for teenagers with serious illnesses to want to play ostrich for a while - they just want to be like "everybody else".

    What's the reason for waiting until next time to prosecute?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is over 18. you may want to move your post to the Parent Emeritus forum.

    How old is he and has he ever been diagnosed with anything?
  4. Lwann

    Lwann New Member

    That's a very good question. The last time was almost a year ago. We told him he had to move out then, and he did. I just told him 15 minutes ago he wasn't welcome home again until he got things together. He can come for thanksgiving dinner, and Christmas day if nothing happens between now and then. Told him no more $$ support and suggested he get a job. I'm so sad. :(
  5. Lwann

    Lwann New Member

    Ok, I wasn't sure where to post this. Thanks. Just copy and paste it over? Yes, he's 19 with multiple diagnoses, diabetes, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Tourette's, depression, social anxiety. He doesn't have many friends and isolates himself.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can also assk a moderator to move it.
  7. Lwann

    Lwann New Member

    How do I do that? Thank you.
  8. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Moved your thread to Parent Emeritus @Lwann.

    I'm so sorry you are in this place to be broken hearted and scared. It is good you feel strong and ready to do what it takes. This in not going to be an easy road for you, but you can get to a place of peace.

    You are not alone.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Lwann,

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through but am glad you have found us here. Your story is very familiar here. It's a difficult journey but you are not alone.

    It's not so much that you kicked him out as you liberated him. The term "kicked out" has such a negative undertone. Our children in the natural course of life should leave home at 18 willingly and start living their own life and being responsible. Unfortunately for us, here on this site our adult children did not launch successfully into adulthood. We as their parents have tried to help them as we don't want to see them struggle, however, there is a fine line that we cross without ever realizing it where our "helping" turns into "enabling". Of course we don't set out to enable, we love our children and again, don't want to see them struggle but then we end up in place where our world is filled with chaos that stems from our adult child. You have done what you can to help your son. You have also realized that your "helping" isn't helping so you made a difficult choice to "liberate" your son. It is now up to him how he will choose to live his life. Remember, whatever path he chooses to go down, good or bad, are his choices and his alone, you have no control over that. All you have control over is how you choose to live your own life and I hope you are choosing to live it well, to do good things for yourself.

    ((HUGS)) to you......................
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You gave him his wings, Lwann. You are not alone in this. You gave him his wings and they work.
    I will write more later, got to go to work.

  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Lwann, Sorry it took awhile to get back to you, work, life and some tough stuff came along, but a bit better now. Welcome to CD, a little haven of help and hope where you can safely vent. So sorry for your reasons to be here. It is a tough road we are all on.
    I felt the same way, landing here. I mean I knew there were others out there, no one at my workplace, or clay class, etc., etc. It got to a point where a cup of coffee and my latest tragic d c addictive behavior story was a bit odd mixed in with others tales of "I took my child college viewing" and so on.
    It is a good place for us to come and share and get good solid advice.
    You may want to add a signature, just a little description of yourself and family, so folks can better understand your background and situation. If you go to your profile page, it is under the information tab.

    Is your son still in college? I know lots of kids use that as an excuse to party, and party hard. I hope the car and insurance is not under you folks, that could be trouble for you. The drinking and drugging are a scary thought, most kids wont think twice about driving under the influence. The diabetes is scary, too, if he is hypoglycemic, driving is dangerous.
    You write that you have let things slide with him when he comes home. I am glad for you and your son, that you are
    wanting to change this. Good for you Lwann.
    Drug addicted d cs can be very manipulative, they know just how to keep us enabling, it becomes a cycle.
    I think addicts get to the point where the drugs start doing all the talking.
    Trust in your self, your gut, the things you have seen, heard, smelt, listen to your head and not your heart.

    YOU draw the picture, do not let him draw it for you.

    When he loses that support system he will have to learn to fend for himself. That is a good thing Lwann, because we as parents, will not be around forever to rescue our d cs and pick up the pieces for them.
    They have simply got to learn to be self sufficient.
    So true.
    He is not caring for his diabetes now, Lwann. We have all learned here, that our adult d cs do not grow in our homes. They are too, too comfortable and unwilling to test their wings in our homes. It will be worse for you and your son, if you hang on, and on.

    The following is a great article, I reference it often:

    Article on detachment http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/

    I do not like the term kicked out. It does not bespeak of where the true responsibility lies, with our d cs. My two had spiraled into despicable behaviors. I should have never allowed them to carry on as such in my home. I had my mother-blinders on. I thought that I would be able to help them. They didnt want help Lwann, they just wanted to party, and it often came at our expense.

    Yo are not alone in your struggles with your son. There are many of us here as you have seen, at different degrees on this path. It really helps to communicate and vent and see how others are faring, what works, what hasn't. It is a good place to be.

    I pray for your relief, and peace of mind Lwann.