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I feel absolutely frozen and my mind's a void
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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 536520" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>Hi,</p><p>Reading your first post on this thread, you sound like I did almost 3 yrs. ago. We went through h--l with difficult child beginning when he was a sophomore in HS. He was youngest in class and in our state, legal adulthood arrives at age 18. For those 2 yrs., we did EVERYTHING humanly possible: therapy, psychiatrist to rule out mental illness, drug testing, grounding, no driving, etc. He could not have cared less. He was on a path of incredible self destruction, his grades were abominable, he was rude and vicious to us and his sister, and he and his friends were appallingly stupid. We wanted to get between him and his self destructive behavior in any way we could. Unfortunately, he had to find out the hard way, and he lost so many great things along the way.</p><p></p><p>He lost time: 2 years of HS when he should have been learning (he's naturally quite smart), but was ambivalent twd school and his grades suffered. He lost the will to study and the self control he would need to do well in college.</p><p>He lost relationships: his very sweet girlfriend broke up with him, and his relationship with our family was torn apart by his lies and drug use.</p><p>He lost his job. He had a wonderful p/t job, but drugs and partying friends and dishonesty came first, and he lost his job eventually.</p><p>He lost the respect of former good friends he used to spend time with.</p><p>He lost his innocence: he became an adept liar, phoney, scam and con artist, atheist, nihilist, depressive, suicidal person at a very young age. He</p><p>learned how to fake a drug test, con a teacher, steal money and credit card info--he was basically corrupting himself from the inside out. He's seen the underbelly of society, and gained not one bit of wisdom or knowledge from those experiences. All you can learn from hanging around with bums is how to be a bum.</p><p></p><p>No amout of common sense, pleading, grounding, crying, begging, warning, was able to do a darn thing. We got an alarm system for the house, and put it on every night. That was to keep him in the house once we were sleeping, and to keep him from letting his friends in thru the garage. We let the school problems add up, we didn't interfere, and let him take whatever consequences the school gave him. The thing is, before the drugs, he was a straight A, responsible, hard working kid, and all the teachers cut him extra slack because they knew him. We begged them to be tougher on him, but they just wanted to give him more chances. That actually harmed him because he interpreted their graciousness as chumphood, so he took advantage and didn't blink. We endured his HS graduation, squeaking by on such poor grades, and the summer from h**l before he went away to college. He was still a minor. </p><p>When he went away to college the first semester, he spent every dime he had saved on drugs in the first 6 weeks he was there. We didn't give him another cent. We told him he couldn't come home for Christmas break because he still did drugs and since he was now over 18, we didn't have to endure his lifestyle any more. He stayed at a druggie friend's house with 2 shirts and 2 pairs of pants and 2 clean underwears for a month. He had to eat what he could scrounge - he got no Christmas presents from us. It was the worst holiday we had ever envisioned...we were so sad our family was tearing apart, but we knew if we capitulated to his foolishness, we'd be doing him no good, and we'd be hurting our daughter as well. </p><p>His second semester of Freshman year was much better, and I think he realized the drugs and the lifestyle and the people were glamorous but essentially evil. He is trying hard to turn over a new leaf, but he really had to walk that road himself...we could not get through to him. Funnily enough, once he ran out of money, he seemed to run out of most of his "friends" - see he had a lot of money saved up, and he treated everyone to drugs and he was everyone's best friend. Until the money ran out, that is. That was a hard lesson to learn, but he had to learn it on his own. </p><p></p><p>He always only turned up positive for pot. He tells me now that he was doing meth and synthetic drugs and drinking as well, but only pot stays in your system for a long time, and we must've timed everything wrong, and never caught him on the harder stuff. He used some kind of acid in college, too, which he didn't pay for...someone offered it to him and he had a bad experience. Even if it's just pot, some kids, like mine, become like a different person...surly, apathetic, lack hygiene, sneaky, etc. </p><p></p><p>Do not feel frozen and empty...you need your strength for your husband and your other kids. Your difficult child is on a dangerous path, and the most you can do is to remove him from the environment and element he is currently associating with. If you can do that (Wilderness Camp, sending him away for the summer, etc.) that may be great, but if you do not have the resources to do that, he will probably continue his behavior because he only listens to his peers, not you or husband. You need to be strong, have boundaries, be a great example for your other kids, and never stop trying to talk sense into your difficult child. With facebook and phones today, we have such little influence on who they're speaking with and who they're spending time with. You can only control what you can control, and you must do that. Keep posting here...lots of great parents who will share their helpful experiences.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 536520, member: 13882"] Hi, Reading your first post on this thread, you sound like I did almost 3 yrs. ago. We went through h--l with difficult child beginning when he was a sophomore in HS. He was youngest in class and in our state, legal adulthood arrives at age 18. For those 2 yrs., we did EVERYTHING humanly possible: therapy, psychiatrist to rule out mental illness, drug testing, grounding, no driving, etc. He could not have cared less. He was on a path of incredible self destruction, his grades were abominable, he was rude and vicious to us and his sister, and he and his friends were appallingly stupid. We wanted to get between him and his self destructive behavior in any way we could. Unfortunately, he had to find out the hard way, and he lost so many great things along the way. He lost time: 2 years of HS when he should have been learning (he's naturally quite smart), but was ambivalent twd school and his grades suffered. He lost the will to study and the self control he would need to do well in college. He lost relationships: his very sweet girlfriend broke up with him, and his relationship with our family was torn apart by his lies and drug use. He lost his job. He had a wonderful p/t job, but drugs and partying friends and dishonesty came first, and he lost his job eventually. He lost the respect of former good friends he used to spend time with. He lost his innocence: he became an adept liar, phoney, scam and con artist, atheist, nihilist, depressive, suicidal person at a very young age. He learned how to fake a drug test, con a teacher, steal money and credit card info--he was basically corrupting himself from the inside out. He's seen the underbelly of society, and gained not one bit of wisdom or knowledge from those experiences. All you can learn from hanging around with bums is how to be a bum. No amout of common sense, pleading, grounding, crying, begging, warning, was able to do a darn thing. We got an alarm system for the house, and put it on every night. That was to keep him in the house once we were sleeping, and to keep him from letting his friends in thru the garage. We let the school problems add up, we didn't interfere, and let him take whatever consequences the school gave him. The thing is, before the drugs, he was a straight A, responsible, hard working kid, and all the teachers cut him extra slack because they knew him. We begged them to be tougher on him, but they just wanted to give him more chances. That actually harmed him because he interpreted their graciousness as chumphood, so he took advantage and didn't blink. We endured his HS graduation, squeaking by on such poor grades, and the summer from h**l before he went away to college. He was still a minor. When he went away to college the first semester, he spent every dime he had saved on drugs in the first 6 weeks he was there. We didn't give him another cent. We told him he couldn't come home for Christmas break because he still did drugs and since he was now over 18, we didn't have to endure his lifestyle any more. He stayed at a druggie friend's house with 2 shirts and 2 pairs of pants and 2 clean underwears for a month. He had to eat what he could scrounge - he got no Christmas presents from us. It was the worst holiday we had ever envisioned...we were so sad our family was tearing apart, but we knew if we capitulated to his foolishness, we'd be doing him no good, and we'd be hurting our daughter as well. His second semester of Freshman year was much better, and I think he realized the drugs and the lifestyle and the people were glamorous but essentially evil. He is trying hard to turn over a new leaf, but he really had to walk that road himself...we could not get through to him. Funnily enough, once he ran out of money, he seemed to run out of most of his "friends" - see he had a lot of money saved up, and he treated everyone to drugs and he was everyone's best friend. Until the money ran out, that is. That was a hard lesson to learn, but he had to learn it on his own. He always only turned up positive for pot. He tells me now that he was doing meth and synthetic drugs and drinking as well, but only pot stays in your system for a long time, and we must've timed everything wrong, and never caught him on the harder stuff. He used some kind of acid in college, too, which he didn't pay for...someone offered it to him and he had a bad experience. Even if it's just pot, some kids, like mine, become like a different person...surly, apathetic, lack hygiene, sneaky, etc. Do not feel frozen and empty...you need your strength for your husband and your other kids. Your difficult child is on a dangerous path, and the most you can do is to remove him from the environment and element he is currently associating with. If you can do that (Wilderness Camp, sending him away for the summer, etc.) that may be great, but if you do not have the resources to do that, he will probably continue his behavior because he only listens to his peers, not you or husband. You need to be strong, have boundaries, be a great example for your other kids, and never stop trying to talk sense into your difficult child. With facebook and phones today, we have such little influence on who they're speaking with and who they're spending time with. You can only control what you can control, and you must do that. Keep posting here...lots of great parents who will share their helpful experiences. [/QUOTE]
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