I feel as if I'm at the end of my rope with H now...

[Shari]

Just hugs.

husband's are a pain in the rear.

 

[Steely]

I am so sorry this is happening....I would be crying all of the time as well. Especially if I was in pain and I was tapering off Wellbutrin - GAWD.

I think others have given amazing advice, and I know myself, and I would be inclined to do as Star* said. However, that said, the story about your H's husbands brother dying is an interesting twist. I bet when his brother died, his mother turned to H as her source of all comfort, and that dysfunctional bond has not been broken. I would assume he feels an amazing amount of guilt about "abandoning" his mom (or so he feels) if he doesn't agree to her living with you. I would also be willing to guess that his Mom made him say all sorts of unhealthy things when the death of his bro happened, like don't ever leave me, I can't live without you, etc. etc. This dysfunctional bond that they have is a very deep rooted thing - and that makes this unbelievably complicated. I would definitely try to get the counselor to get H to open up about the death of his brother, as a way to get reconciliation in H's mind that telling him Mom 'no' is OK to do.

 

[DammitJanet]

steely has a good point and why I wondered about your H being the youngest. That bond between mom and youngest son is really strong most times. In this situation I imagine it must be a really difficult and tangled mess. Tony's had a brother that died right before he was born...in fact, there are six kids in his family and between his older sister and him 3 children died. A little boy and a set of twins. I imagine if his mother hadnt had more kids after him things would have been more difficult and in fact, she did have a very hard time that she only had one girl because the twins were girls so she dressed up her final son as a girl his whole first year. Yeah...sometimes it is hard. That is why I stopped at 3...lol.

I can see why and how your mother in law might have latched on to your H in a strong way back then and now he has a hard time saying no.

 

[DDD]

Since we are kicking psychological motivations around as a topic now about this. Your husband's brother is more successful (financially) than he is at this time. Sibling rivalries exist in almost all families. mother in law is turning her back on bro and placing her attention on husband. Some therapist somewhere would say that H is having an affirmation of his importance and finds being top dog hard to resist. Hmmm...Dr. DDD.

 

[hearts and roses]

Steely, Janet, DDD, now I'm sick to my stomach....uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh....just kill me! My H has so much baggage, he's carrying around footlockers on his shoulders. Ugh!!!!

You know, just now, h told me our insurance guy called HIM about MY car. It's registered in MY name, I took out the loan in MY name, it's MY car, I pay for everything having to do with MY car. H backed into our stone wall and when I met with the adjuster, he said, "oh, your not Mr H" no sh!t, Sherlock, because it's MY car, dumb ass. So the adjuster called H to tell him they're allowing another $700. I gave the idiot MY cell and told him to call ME. I would hope that H would have had the SENSE to tell the idiot to call me, but he didn't. And of course, H didn't even get the information correct because he was standing on a roof working when the idiot called him.

I'm just so goddammed ****** off at everything and everyone.

 

[InsaneCdn]

H&R... this one is 90% the insurance adjuster... sure, husband didn't help the situation, but - I've had eyeballs popping at some of the stuff I've done... stuff where they assume husband is the one who "knows" and they need to deail with husband. Some of the condescending attitudes out there... I thought we got rid of most of that back in the '70s??? (NOT)

You're stressed, feel like you're in a corner, and it really colors everything else in your life. THAT is normal. But it helps to recognize it for what it is... and assign blame elsewhere when it applies.

Did you check your blood pressure today? <just kidding>

 

[hearts and roses]

H&R... this one is 90% the insurance adjuster.

I know, I wasn't mad at H, just mostly the adjuster. There is an earlier part of this story. H thinks I overreact to blatant acts of chauvinistic condescension, which I do not. If he were a woman, perhaps he would feel differently. LolMy BiPolar (BP) is okay but I'm sure they'll check it tomorrow at the doctors. Should be interesting, no? H agreed to go to the therapist with me, not that he had a choice at this point. Heheheh

 

[InsaneCdn]

Interestingly, there are a number of industries where such attitudes are rampant - but less so. The thing that made the difference? They got short of people, and had to hire "minorities"... who ended up being good. But in the process of accepting non-"white-male-chauvenists", they ended up also being more accepting of women, because it changed the whole office/workplace culture. Or at least, more accepting of ladies. (For some reason, chauvinists have less problems dealing with a lady... not sure why.)

Hoping things go well at the therapist tomorrow.

 

[hearts and roses]

Interestingly, there are a number of industries where such attitudes are rampant - but less so. The thing that made the difference? They got short of people, and had to hire "minorities"... who ended up being good. But in the process of accepting non-"white-male-chauvenists", they ended up also being more accepting of women, because it changed the whole office/workplace culture. Or at least, more accepting of ladies. (For some reason, chauvinists have less problems dealing with a lady... not sure why.)

Hoping things go well at the therapist tomorrow.

IC, I am steeped in it. I AM an insurance adjuster/Office Manager/Human Resource Manager and currently a Human Service/Social Work student. I think we all (women) in particular, see it every day. But we've become either numb or immune to it, how it is oppressive. We get tired of bucking that way of thinking, don't we?

However, although tiring at times, this is a way of thinking I will not become immune to, no matter how prevalent in certain industries. I am the one who purchased our policy and made the down payment. MY name was first on the forms, so why do they automatically switch it around so H's name appears first and so he is listed as the contact person? Our last names are different because after my divorce years ago, I chose to keep my name-because I could- and yet, we still live in a patriarchal society wherein the man's surname is considered over the woman's. I just find that to be, on the lighter side, insulting.

H says I'm a man hater. I'm not. I LOVE men, okay? What I AM is a person who expects to be treated equally all the way around. And it's not about trivial things like holding a door open. It's about being respected and heard as a human first, just like a man - whether in a board meeting, at a used car lot, in the grocery, at the bank, wherever. I'm tired of people accepting the things they CAN change.

As you can tell, this is (and always has been) a hot topic for me. The other day easy child told me that because of this way in which I think, I raised her and difficult child to be so strong it puts some men off. She said she likes it and that she wasn't complaining, but that it's something I should acknowledge. I have to say, initially, I was concerned that my girls would fight everything and not see the real message there. But then I remembered these messages from my own mom. And that scared me more. Much as I tried to NOT be like my mom, I guess I picked up on these things....independence, speak your truth, do not be afraid, stand up for yourself because no one else will, and put some makeup on, lol.

Great thought provoking comments IC, thank you!

 

[keista]

I'm tired of people accepting the things they CAN change.

AMEN!

The other day easy child told me that because of this way in which I think, I raised her and difficult child to be so strong it puts some men off. She said she likes it and that she wasn't complaining, but that it's something I should acknowledge.

KUDOS! I am trying to do the same for my kids (not just the girls) I still cringe at an experience I had when I was 16. My Dad had this friend who was a chauvinist to the nth degree. He finally found himself a girlfriend who we absolutely adored! Sisters and I could not figure out what this highly intelligent, independent woman saw in him. One evening when they were over and I responded to a particularly sexist remark he had made, she suggested that I "should be a little bit more 'humble'" OY! I went all difficult child and of course "lost" whatever credibility I had in the discussion. Needless to say, they did get married, and their marriage lasted all of 3 years! I was very upset for her when they did tie the knot, but so happy when they divorced. Funny, now he's in a relationship with a VERY wealthy woman, and can we say "whipped"? Very interesting to see how money can change a man like that.

 

[DDD]

I went through a metamorphsis when I was divorced at 29 and realized that I had to "man up" to protect my children and myself. My sisters didn't follow the same path. But, my friend, I see a little bit of transference in your anger. Last year you would have been "chapped off" but this year you are "irate". Reactions do vary based on stress level for sure.

I have my fingers crossed that your session with husband will be productive, that he will feel free to share his opinions and reactions with the therapist and not just hunker down and listen to you speak. Actually I am saying a prayer that happens because as long as he stifles I don't see a happy resolution. Many, many hugs coming your way. DDD