I feel guilty about not liking her

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredmommy, Jan 18, 2007.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Duckie has a friend that I don't like. She's six and in Duckie's class. I can't believe that I dislike a six year old! She bullies another child quite a bit and other children intermittently. Duckie likes her well enough when "A' is being nice to the other kids, but becomes very upset & anxious when A acts up. A hasn't bullied Duckie as far as I know.
    A's mother is a therapist but she tends to minimize the effect A has on the other kids. Duckie has become very sensitive about bullying ever since she was told (by me) that her bad/mean behavior toward other kids was bullying.
    Duckie is confused because this girl is kind to her, but mean to others.
    I'm angry with this other family because I've dealt with Duckie's bullying behaviors head on while they let their daughter's inappropriate behavior go on.
    The child that A targets often is a friend of Duckie's and she feels torn. I've been trying to get Duckie to be supportive toward the victim without telling her to outright avoid A.
    Should I try to end the friendship?
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is such a difficult situation to be in. I think it is worse with little girls too. They seem to form cliques earlier.

    Duckie is in quite a few activities so her social life isnt comprised of just school which is good. How much of her life is this A involved in? If she is just in school with her then maybe I would pull back and just try and leave her as a school friend and not invite her too much to things. Its pitiful that a therapist mother isnt taking this bull by the horns. Reminds me of that parable about the shoemakers son having no shoes.

    I hope you can figure out how to handle this so that Duckie learns that when you treat people well you end up with more friends.
     
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Awwwwwwww TM that is such a difficult thing. I would use it as a learning experience for Duckie and I would tell the child the next time I saw her bullying anybody that it wasn't nice. Ask her how she would feel if someone did it to her. speak to her gently and kindly. There is nothing more you can do. -RM
     
  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    It's probably a good idea to talk to D about how she feels and what she sees with this girl and give her the opportunity to make a choice. Eventually they will probably go their own way and you don't want to make the situation a power struggle.
    Learning good choices is a progressive lesson over the course of a lifetime.

    If D learns bad behavior or models her mean behavior, I would probably limit out of school activities.
     
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    They aren't in any activities together, thankfully. They've only had two play dates (One here, one there). The thing is, Duckie comes to me regularly saying things like "A wants me to stop playing with K" and "A says she hates K". I don't know that Duckie has the social strength to break away on her own, I think she's also afraid she will get picked on by A as well. I've been trying to teach Duckie to put her hand up and say "Back off" or "I won't play with you when you're being mean" when A is mean to K in front of her. She needs to learn to assert herself...
     
  6. BonnieJean

    BonnieJean Active Member

    Looking back at a similiar situation, I would tackle this head on too. What's weird is that we let our kids make some decisions and just pray that they make the good choice. Recently, just last week, J wanted to be friends with this girl in her new school. The two "leaders" aka bullies in her class do not like this little girl. She's extremely quiet and never speaks up for herself. J spoke up for her last week on a swimming trip. Well, this week, J has decided to be friends with these other kids because they seem more fun. I gave J the lowdown. I don't EVER want to EVER hear her saying means things to this child, about this child etc...

    This child has some emotional and academic delays which are obvious to me. Nothing like having a difficult child to make you pick certain kids out quickly right? And I've sat down with J and we've talked about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and that this girl is not responsible for the difficulties she has. I have no control over the other kids, but I do and will have control over J in this situation.

    I dunno, tough call, sometimes you let them make the choice, other times, it's better to make it your choice. And this is tough, cuz I really don't like to pick their friends but....~shrugs~

    BonnieJean
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree it is a bit much to expect a kindergarten child to have the strength to do this. Where on earth is the teacher during all this? Sheesh. I know I know...they cant be everywhere with eyes in the backs of their heads.

    I would just keep telling Duckie how important it is to follow her own heart and that people who act like A does really arent happy or her friend. No one who tries to make you choose is a good friend. Poor kiddo.
     
  8. Katie H

    Katie H New Member

    Hi TM,

    You have already gotten some great advice and feedback. I just wanted to add that I don't think this kind of behavior is that unusual at this age. Not saying the behavior is okay, just that it seems to be a kindergarten thing. My daughter is always coming home with stories about one girl refusing to play with another, this girl is mad at that girl and they are no longer friends, etc. Since my daughter has Asperger's it is all very confusing to her. I try to explain that no matter what anyone else does or says she just needs to be nice to everyone and try to include anyone who wants to play.

    Sadly, there is one girl that is excluded regularly. She is picked on for her clothes (although they wear uniforms my daughter says she wears the same thing every day). She is the sweetest girl and I have encouraged my daughter to be nice to her. But, the friends my daughter plays with are mean to her when she is nice to this girl. Sheesh, I thought it did not get this bad till junior high. I am amazed at the playground politics of it all!! My poor daughter is just struggling to figure it all out.

    Anyhow just have to share that this morning my daughter said, "Mommy, I want to do something nice. I want you to set up a playdate for me and J (the picked on girl). She can come over and we can play dress up. Then she will feel like she has a friend." I was so proud of her. And the "experts" say children with Asperger's can't have empathy - HA - phooey on them. Anyway, I saw the girls mom and asked her for a playdate and she seemed just thrilled her daughter had been invited.

    Guess what I am trying to say is that Duckie is obviously in a complicated situation that she is trying to understand. It sounds like you are giving her great guidance on how to handle the situation. That is really all you can do.

    Take care,

    Katie
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I couldn't stand my niece at about that age. She may have been 10, but still. She wasn't a difficult child, either. Just incredibly self-absorbed. All she ever wanted to do was talk about how much money everything she owned cost when they bought it from Nordstrom.

    Of course, my sister (her mom) did the same thing. And she earned twice as much as any of us. AND she had the nerve to demand that we all stop buying presents for the adults in our family for Christmas and just put all that money into the kids because it would be nice for them to have a big Christmas. But when I asked if that included not buying for her 21 year old daughter, that wasn't included because she was in college and "needed things", while our 23 year old niece wasn't to be included in the gift giving as she was "married". Considering her 21 year old is a lesbian and was living with a working woman, I didn't quite get the connection. Other than she wanted her four brothers and sisters to supply her kids with a dream Christmas. Gimme, gimme, gimme! I wasn't going to spend any more on her kids whether I spent less on her or not. But I was happy to exclude her from the gift giving. :wink:

    I realize that I was a lot harder on the niece because I didn't like the mother much, and she was mimicking her mom. But I couldn't stand to be around the child. If you don't like J, you don't. We don't have to like everyone.
     
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