I feel hopeless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by color me confused, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. color me confused

    color me confused New Member

    First let me say my husband and I are going to our first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night and I have made an appointment with my doctor for the 13th. I need to get back on medications after all that is going on. I am bipolar, and haven't been on my medications for about 6 months. With all the stress going to the Dr. has been low on my list of things to do, but I can't take it anymore and have to go.

    My husband and I have four adult children. 25 daughter doing well, is engaged and they bought a house about a year ago. 22 daughter doing well, is working full time and going to college part time (I must admit to going through several years of her on drugs but she has been clean for about 5 years). Son 21 in a few weeks just turned himself into jail (today) for a crime he says he didn't commit, he had an issue with his work release so had to go back to jail. Son 19 was kicked out of our house when he was 18 due to drugs and alcohol.

    Oldest son has been living with us and has worked for maybe two months of his life. When he gets out of jail in a few months I think we should just give him two months to find a job, if he doesn't at least look for work he should be kicked out. He sadly does smoke pot and drink, he must also stop these things in order to stay.

    Youngest son 19 was arrested several times last year after being kicked out because he kept coming back (each time we asked him to leave before it resulted in calling 911) and causing issues. The last time he was arrested he served 7 months in jail for threatening to kill me, he was very graphic in his details of how he was going to kill me.

    When 19 year old son was released grandpa offered him a warm place to live, but my son's friends and drugs were more important so he didn't stay with grandpa (I should add that we live next door to grandpa). Jobless son got an apartment with some friends and husband and I spent a fair amount of money buying them things for the apartment. This arrangement didn't last, son got into a fight with his friend and moved into a house with some other friends. Husband and I bought more things for son in this house. Well, as expected son got into a fight with one of the guys and had to move.

    Husband and I made the mistake of letting son sleep here for three nights but he had to leave in the morning when we went to work. After three nights here we told him he couldn't stay anymore, because of outbursts and coming over here stoned. Each night after that he would call to see if he could stay and we told him no, I think he ended up staying with other friends. The night before last he called about 11:30 and asked if he could stay in the trailer (next to the house) because...you guessed it, he got into another fight and didn't have a place to sleep. It was late and we were half asleep so we let him. He left when he woke up about about 10:30, I gave him five bucks for bus fare and some donuts. We didn't hear from him last night and are guessing that husband forgot to lock the trailer and son slept in it.

    Husband has locked the trailer so he can't sleep in it tonight. I'm so afraid of where my drugged out son is going to sleep tonight. I'm obsessing over it. I'm also afraid that he will come here and cause issues that will once again result in us calling 911 and him being arrested.

    I realize this is quite long and I haven't even touched on all of the issues. I just need help and don't know where to turn. I have been reading posts here recently and thought this would be a great place to get some advice. I will take any advice you have to give.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I can hear the heartache in your post.... and it is heartbreaking to have a kid strung out on drugs. I am really glad you are going to an alanon meeting.. Do you know if it is a parents meeting? I have found alanon to be a huge huge help to me (as well as this message board).

    I understand the obsessing over it.. I used to do that too.. now I do it less but when things are bad it is hard not to... however obessing over it doesn't help your son. And letting him come back in or giving them things because you are afraid they will have no place to sleep or they will end up in jail doesn't really help them either. Some just have to learn the hard way...and that means letting them get the hard consequences of their actions. I know it is awful to have a son in jail but it may be beter than strung out on drugs.

    Right now you and your husband need to take care of each other and yourselves. There is not much you can do to help your sons unless they sincerely want help. I think we often as parents try to fix their problems but we really can't, they are adults and they need to find the answeres themselves.

    Hugs and keep coming here for support.

  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the CD board.

    I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I am going to echo what TL said . . . it's time to let your son hit rock bottom. I know that is much easier said than done and it may take a while for you to get to the point where you can let him do that.

    However, giving your son a place to stay enables his drug use. Why change if he doesn't have to? There has to be a tipping point where it is better to seek treatment than continue living a life using drugs. Letting them hit rock bottom often proves to be the tipping point.

    More will come by with words of advice. In the meantime, go back and read our threads here and in the PE forum. Many of us have gone through what you are going through and come out the other side. It is possible for your difficult child to turn his life around. Just look at your daughter as an example of that.

  4. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Welcome to this board. You will find a lot of caring people here who will offer you advice and support. I know that you feel hopeless right now, but you are taking the right step right now just by reaching out to other parents on this board. There are parents here who have been through many of the things that your family is dealing with now, - drugs, alcohol, prison, violence, and much more. I'm sure that they will be along soon to offer you some advice.
    Has your youngest son ever had any treatment for his substance problem? Has he been in any rehab or any other treatment programs for drugs problems? Is your son taking any medications for any mental health problems? It sounds like your son's drug usage is causing major problems in his life, but unfortunately most people will not start to recover from drugs until they admit that they have a drug problem. Your son may have to really hit rock bottom in his life before he realizes that his life with drugs is not working and he must start to change. I know that this is hard to hear and that you are worrying about your son, but sometimes the best thing that you can do for your son is to do nothing at all. Please take care of yourself, and try not to obsess your where your son is living (I know that this is easier said than done!). Hugs...
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HELLO, i do not have advice but do have concern, just offering supportive hugs....
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Drug are horrible, they rip familes apart. It's good that you are going to al-anon. Being with other people, other families, that are loivign thorugh this nightmare really helps you feel so not alone. You have a right to have peace and feel safe in your home. Many of us have had to kick our kids out, sometimes in the dead of winter, knowing they would probably be on the street or in some drug house. Sometimes it's theonly way they will get help. And sometimes they won't and we have to find some way to go on living our lives.

    There are no easy answers. The best you and your husband can do right now is be strong and united and don't allow anything to come between you. I have always told my daughter that I love her very much but I will not allow her to destroy us with her alcohol abuse. We will support her in her getting help but we will not enable her continue ruining her life.

    I know you are scared. We have a lot of members who have lived through some heartbreaking times with their children and somehow we made it through with the support of each other and we are here for you too.

    Keep posting and you will see that you no longer feel alone.

  7. color me confused

    color me confused New Member

    Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. I have to tell you that reading here is what made me call al-anon. The lady I talked to said it is a friends and family meeting. I'm looking forward to going to the meeting. I'm supposed to go out of town with my friends for a girlfriends weekend, leaving Friday but i'm afraid to go...worried about what will happen while I'm gone. I will go because I need the time away.

    Both of my sons are also bipolar but they refuse medicine, heck, they refuse going to the Dr. the last few years. The oldest understands he needs his meeds but won't do it. The youngest says he doesn't have a problem, that we are the cause of his issues and his doing drugs. I sometimes believe him, but other times I know it is not our fault he has chosen to live his life the way he has/is. The guilt is awful, I feel like since I'm bipolar it is my fault they are and they don't know how to handle it. The youngest refuses treatment for his drug problem, says he can quit when he wants to but doesn't want to quit. The oldest I think could quit if he has a reason to quit but he hasn't found the reason yet,

    I'm sorry I'm rambling, I didn't sleep much last night and it is catching up with me.
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I don't have any great advice to offer as I am learning the ropes myself. I do know Al-anon helps me to get my mind in the right place. From there, I can be of the right kind of help to my difficult child.

    From my experience, I know how hard it is to lock up everything, etc. when you are running on empty anyway. Just take it one step at a time. Know when you get the systems in better order, then life will stabilize somewhat.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh (((HUGS))) you have certainly been through the ringer! Unfortunately, it is true. They have to hit bottom. I have been waiting for my daughter to hit bottom for over a year now. Hasn't happened yet. Not a night goes by that I don't obssess about where she is sleeping, how she is eating, etc. I am very codependant. When she is happy, I am happy and when she is going through turmoil, well, I feel every bit of it, too. It is so so hard to not rescue them. That is what we are supposed to do right? We are mommas. But every single time I rescued her it only kept her antics going. So now I realize that letting her hit bottom is saving her. I am just waiting for that to happen and not so patiently....I have seen maturity in her lately and she is thinking about her future. Something she never did while living at home.

    Keep coming back here - it is a great place and has been my rock for well over a year now! :)
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    How did your meeting go? I'm hoping it brought you some comfort. DDD
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome. I agree with allthat has precede my post. You are doing the right thing in taking care of yourslef. Go to your Girls weekend, go to the doctor and get back on your medications, go to Alanon and above all let him fend for himself. You do not have to support (in any way) a lifestyle you do not condone. His choices are his choices. You have no control over him or them. The fault lies with him not you. He is not a child and it is his responsibility to live a good life. He chooses not to, it has nothing to do with you, your illness or your past. Sure you may have passed on the gene but he is refusing to accept responsibily for treating the illness against your encouragement to do so. Hopfull with Al-Anon and medications you will be able to detach from his "stuff" and define better boundries for your own happiness.
  12. color me confused

    color me confused New Member

    Thanks for your words, it really helps a lot. I haven't heard from youngest in a few days. Last night before we went to our meeting my son's friend's mom called to see how he was doing. Husband talked to her but just for a few minutes. I guess my son spent a few cold nights sleeping in the back of their truck and she hadn't seen him so called to check on him, husband didn't tell her much, her son is just as bad as our son. I don't know where son is now or what he is doing.

    Husband and I did go to the meeting, I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't what I expected. We will go back next week, they suggested committing to at least six weeks before deciding it isn't what we are looking for. We can even try a different group if this one isn't what we are looking for, we will continue with the current group for at least six weeks.

    I will go on my girl's weekend, we are leaving tomorrow after work. I am scared to go, but know I will have a great time. My Dr. Appointment isn't until the 13th and it can't get here soon enough.

    Sorry to ramble again...I'm off to check the boards before going back to work.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to admit that none of the al-anon meetings around here helped me much either. That is not to say I don't think they are worthwhile because I really really do, just not for everyone. I needed something much more personal and interactive than those meetings allowed. I have gotten so much more out of going to Open AA meetings. I have seen miracles there, heard testimonials from addicts on how they got sober and the love of their families and what it meant. I have seen family members there cry with pride for their son/daughter and relive the agony of their addicts story. It has moved me beyond belief and given me hope that miracles do happen, addicts do get sober, families do survive.

    Keep looking for meetings in your area, each one is run differently. We have no specific parents meetings in our area because I think those would be more helpful. But try an Open AA meeting. You won't talk, just listen, but I think you will come away with hope in your heart.

  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am glad you went to a meeting last night. My first meeting wasn't what I expected either. Was it a parents meeting? I don't know how it would be going to a regular meeting but I have found the parents meeting to be so helpful... just knowing other parents who know exactly what my experiences are... and who can even help me laugh at how ridiculous we are at trying to control the drug use. So meeting other parents is really helpful.... I just think it is different having a spouse or friend as an alcoholic than a child.

    I have to say I don't think I would be where I am today without alanon. My son would still be where he is (which is yesterday he was kicked out his 2nd sober house and he is probably homeless out of state right now) but I would be a complete blubbering mess and puddle of tears and obsession. My husband and daughter would be dealing with my puddle of emotions whch didn't use to do us any good. I am still emotional, still feeling worried and sad but it is not interefering with the rest of my life the way it used to. And that is the key being able to go on with our lives... and to even enjoy them.

    Hang in there... we are there with you.