I feel like an island...(long)

[KTMom91]

...so very alone. I've been sleeping for the past few days just to avoid things. On Saturday, Miss KT called my mother and complained that we wouldn't bring her fast food, so my mother calls my cell phone, is all snotty with her message, so I call back and point out that yet again she isn't getting the entire story, and I get hung up on. We get home, I tell Miss Kt that I'm tired of having her in one ear and my mother in the other one, and Miss Kt pops off with an entire list of things that her grandma doesn't like about me. Swell. I call my mother again, offer (for the millionth time) to send Miss KT over since I'm such a poor specimen of motherhood, my mother says she'll never call me again, and hangs up on me...again. So, I call back, get the machine (like I knew I would) and say that I don't appreciate being hung up on, and that I don't know how broadly she's defining her statement, but that it's fine with me if she doesn't want to talk to me. I've had enough of this.

Hubby has a bad habit of trying to be funny when funny is not called for, and then he gets huffy and says he's just playing. Sunday at church there was a child dedication, and when the pastor was holding the little boy, Hubby leans over to me and says, "Watch out for those feet, 'cause they'll trample all over your dreams." I totally lost it, sitting there in church crying my eyes out. Of course, he couldn't understand why...so I explained it to him...that that is my life, that every hour of every day with Miss KT is a reminder that my dreams for her have been and continue to be trampled on, and he just doesn't get it, because unless it's your child, you don't truly get it. I feel like I've been stomped on from all sides, just heartsore. He thinks I'm overreacting, that it's not that bad. I just want to go back to sleep.

 

[Shari]

Gosh, I wish I had a good suggestion, but I just plain don't. Other than block your mother's number from all phones at your house. But I somehow doubt that will work, either.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. What a witch.

 

[meowbunny]

Why does KT still have access to a phone? Sorry, but if my daughter were to be calling my friends and family about how unfair her life was, I'd make sure her life was just a little more unfair. The landline would have the receiver with me at all times. Unless she's paying for it, the cell phone would be mine until I felt it was being used appropriately.

I also wouldn't bother talking to my mother. Mine can be toxic in the sense she doesn't like the way my daughter has behaved through the years and really doesn't believe she is her granddaughter. It hurts, but I've learned to deal with it. However, even today I won't answer a call from my mother. I let it go to voice mail -- if the message is about my daughter, I don't return the call. I certainly don't waste the effort to call her and complain about my daughter -- I never get a response that is even remotely helpful, so why bother. When we do talk now, it is general.

As to your husband, sometimes humor is the only form of survival available. Obviously, he is feeling the pain or he wouldn't feel that baby feet will trample all over you. It may not be the best way to acknowledge the pain but at least he sees you're hurting.

Believe it or not, the odds are that it will get better. KT will grow up. She may even discover what an awesome mother you have been. It won't be any time soon, but odds are it will happen. Until then, you can always imagine how good it would be to lock her in a box until she grows up. I just used to imagine throttling mine. It did become a joke -- I'd get a look and she'd tell me she was being strangled again, right? I'd agree.

For now, do what you have to do for you. Maybe your mother should take KT for spring break or, better yet, all summer. Who knows, she might actually understand how unfair she's being. Do try to remember that most of us see one major advantage to grandparenting -- we get to do all the spoiling we wanted to of our own children and know that our grandkids will turn out just fine because they have good parents. I honestly wouldn't be surprised that somewhere inside of your mother that logic is at play, too.

For now, some gentle hugs. Go take a nice, long relaxing bath and then get those phones away from your daughter!

 

[tammyjh]

((((((hugs))))))
I know how you feel. husband and I often tell people that unless they lived with us, they just wouldn't get it.
Hang in there.

 

[KTMom91]

Another freakin' meltdown over whether Miss KT or Hubby uses the silver, blue, or black razor...how do I know? And why do I care? But before I even know what's happening, she's on the phone again, to my mother, and I hear her professional victim tone, how I always take his side...boo hoo cry cry...Hubby wasn't even home! And I didn't know she had the phone in there! I am sick to death of her and her attitude and her whining. I am sick of her constant complaining and her professional victim stance. I am sick of her conviction that she is better than all the rest of us, and deserves special treatment because of it. I am sick of trying to help her out and have her treat us like garbage. I am just sick of her.

 

[flutterbee]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It is exhausting and does take a huge emotional toll.

(((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, does your child have any psychiatric or neurological problems on either side of the family tree? Any substance abuse? Has she been evaluated recently? Is there any chance that she may be using recreational drugs?
Mom isn't helping you. I would also take her phone and, at the same time, tell mom to stop interfering. At the same time, I think your daughter needs another evaluation to see what's going on. In two years, you'll no longer be able to help her.

 

[Wiped Out]

Gentle hugs-it's hard when you feel so alone. I agree with the others about taking the cell phone and not taking your mom's calls right now. As for husband's sense of humor I agree with MB that it may be his way of surviving/coping. husband and I both do a lot of that. Again hugs and find some time to do something nice for yourself!

 

[timer lady]

Your Ms. KT is a pro at triangulation. She has 3 perfectly competent adults scrambling for cover.

Mary, you don't have to answer to your difficult child or your mother. If difficult child has issues with you that's where they belong. If your mother wants to call & discuss difficult children issues with you, hang up on her. It's not her place to take calls of this nature from your daughter.

And I know how exhausting it can be to break this well entrenched cycle of triangulation that difficult child is using. My tweedles are infamous for this kind of stuff. I always always get the whole story before replying to anyone on anything regarding kt or wm.

Take some deep breaths....turn off your phone for the day. If you mom is so concerned let her take any "emergency" calls for the day. It sounds like you've had your fill.

 

[Marguerite]

You should be able to install a lock on the phone. There are gadgets you can get which will make it possible to keep the phone locked - only incoming calls can be answered - so she can't use the house phone to call her grandmother. And if grandma gives her a mobile phone, confiscate it.

As for husband - my best friend's father was like this. He would make 'jokes' that were sometimes quite hurtful but when you got upset with him he would get offended and say, "But I was only joking..."

It's not funny. My gentlest response is a stony-faced, "Do you see me laughing?"

I keep encountering people who do this, including close family members who keep teasing difficult child 3, even after they're told not to because he doesn't understand and will take it to heart - and they reply with, "I'm only joking," or "I'm only teasing." Such a response is undermining, it's almost defiant in the way they try to insist that no matter what I will say they will go on doing what THEY want.

I've worked with men who told sexist jokes (often ones implying that a battered and sexually abused woman secretly enjoyed it and sought it out); if any woman objected to the sexist jokes they got a response of "Typical woman - can't take a joke."

I fought it by telling them sexist jokes against men (I hunted around to find really offensive ones) so when they objected I could say, "Typical blokes - no sense of humour." And THEN I followed with, "You dish it out but you can't take it - let's agree to permanently drop all bad taste jokes."

You can try fighting fire with fire, but I suspect it wouldn't work with your husband because he would come back to you and say, "But you do it too."

Instead of showing tears (which most men misunderstand anyway) get angry. They understand anger. Or in church, an elbow in the ribs is usually sufficient. He's your husband (allegedly) so he should show a bit more compassion. Tell him (afterwards, if you must wait) that it was NOT funny in the slightest, it was very hurtful and you didn't appreciate it.

To many men, tears are either a woman's attempt to be manipulative, or are a sign that he is stronger and more powerful and therefore it boosts his ego ("Oh, good, I just succeeded in winning another round with her"). Tears put you on the back foot. He won't get the message.

But anger? It's healthier for you than tears (in this case) because it makes you feel as if you are accomplishing something and making yourself heard. It might help you more to get the message through.

Only insecure people and cowards use the "I was only joking" as a fall-back line when they realise, belatedly, that they said the wrong thing. Some people hold that phrase in reserve as a way of allowing themselves to be 'naughty' and say the hurtful things they want to say. Sometimes they are merely behaving like spoilt brats but keeping that phrase at the ready in case they get called on it. And as I said before, the phrase is also a way of saying, "I'm going to keep right on behaving like this, because rather than accepting responsibility for what I say, I'm instead going to blame you by declaring you have no sense of humour."

It is NOT just a foot-in-mouth problem, this is a form of subtle and vindictive bullying, masquerading as jesting.

Marg

 

[KTMom91]

Thank you all for your suggestions and input. Miss KT goes back to the doctor in a month or so, for a regular follow up with her medications. I've been tracking her behaviors, trying to find a pattern (thinking possibly PMS aggravates her), but all I've come up with is that she wigs out when things don't go her way. I'm not aware of any neurological problems in the immediate family; my grandfather (who passed long before Miss KT was born) was an alcoholic, and Miss KT's father reportedly spent time in rehab for cocaine, this was prior to my meeting him. Both Miss KT's father and his mother have a talent for rewriting any history they don't care to acknowledge, and have great difficulty accepting any responsibility. I suspect ADHD at least with Miss KT's father, since he doesn't work, and the last time I consistently received child support was when his then-girlfriend was paying it.

In addition to the Miss KT/my mother aggravation and Hubby's lack of humor, I have a court date regarding child support, am getting ready to file in small claims court against Miss KT's father for additional money he owes me, and have opened an IRS investigation regarding Grandma's use of Miss KT's SSN. All this while attempting to keep the household schedule going, feed/care for all humans and animals living here, pay bills, finish painting the bathroom, and go to work.

 

[Marguerite]

Crikey, Mary, you're a glutton for punishment! I hope it all goes well for you, you've really got a lot on your plate.

Hang in there. We're here.

Marg