I feel like I shouldnt have been a parent...

[Confused]

Growing up I saw my future as a Veterinarian, one story white, little house with white picket fence , green lawn,two dogs and 4 kids. Thats what I wanted since barely walking...but I dropped out of High School, never went actually. Attempted collage for over a decade... no real solid Job/relationship. I realized Id never be a vet but when I had a miscarriage at 3 months, I had to bury my baby.A part of me died too. Maybe God sent me a sign.. no kids. My daughter came 2 years later.. my son 6 years after that. I know I was never perfect, I know I love my kids more than this world. But my children walk all over me... they just arent happy with me. This is my fault... yes, my dad and I have yelled a lot back and forth and have slammed some doors. But after years of this.. we are on eggshells.

I see neighbors calling their kids in, the kids go no argument. Oh maybe a lil " please another min"? Either answer kids go in or can handle the answer.. No arguments no back talk, no violence, no " oh I thought u wanted me to play and be off computers etc my kids say" I do but when its from 10am-8pm with all the other kids, we have most the kids at my house.. no homework done / kids are sick or they are constant fights.. ya.. I get tired of it and say thats enough for the night. I tell em 10 min.. than 5 etc. Even hey" when u all come in we can eat ,decorate etc" But no!!!!

My son is starting to really be violent with our neighbors kid, now his new friends down the street. has started being bossy, annoying them, throwing things, showing his attitude in front of them by hitting his sis or the girl. He took off down the block today with no shoes because he didnt want to wear shoes, so he was angry and said he's leaving and not coming back. He tells me at night when we sleep hes going to leave the house one day and he will never be back. We have been hiding keys and phones for a while now. Its chilly out now, he's a lil sick , etc. He still spitting on everyone as well as every ones drinks and foods. He threatens to break neighbors cars and and windows. He screams POLICE all the way down the block ... He still demands we shutup or its severe violent tantrum ... He knows these kids are hearing/watching this. Daily, hours on end.. very rare happy moments..I cry now when there are Im happy and shock its happening. Is the moments real? Is it in my head? When will those moments happen again? If ten minutes goes by and the house is quite.... it cant be my house...There in school and it literaly takes me almost all day to unwind from the night before and the morning of. Then they are home and the fighting starts again. Its soooo rare those few days my son was awesome perfect in the am... It was like a dream.

I told them in front of the girl Im done they can go to their dads, maybe he will be better for them. They will be free from me and my rules. I am done. I dont want them to go, I love them, but since their dad says he can do a better job... maybe he's right. I know I said this before and you all said father wont get them the help. Well, I bet they wont need help once they go .. its meeeee.My daughter still wont bath correctly...

My best friend said I should just admit them in the hospital psychiatric ward- thats what she and parents did for her Bipolar/other issues child. So they can get help now.. us to. I keep going back n forth.. is it all me.. yes theres something wrong ...I know.. But.. I don't know I just dk. Why did God give me kids who hate me, who I love and cherish and steer them the rite way? I couldnt even imagine life without kids.. I know I have failed I just wish my kids knew or/and cared how much I love them

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. You are not a bad mother nor did this happen because of you. Obviously something is wrong with both kids and that makes sense because of heredity. Also, I don't recall your story, but early chaos ages infancy-3 can cause massive behavioral problems...don't know if that happened to your kids or not. Either way, they can be helped, but they need to be diagnosed first.

I am going to tell you that I have been in a psychiatric ward to get diagnosed and treated. This was in the day when they actually let you stay there for long periods of time to get sorted out before you were discharged. I was in for ten weeks. They don't do that anymore. P hospital admission is strictly to deal with crises-to-crises. You won't get any big answers in a p hospital. Now if your kids are suicidal or homicidal, yes, go to a hospital. Otherwise, your best bet is still a neuropsychologist and ongoing care outside of a hospital...and probably, at least in the case of your son, medication. Some kids need medication to function. Period. I hate medication with all I've got, but *I* have to take it or I can't function.

Your daughter could be on the spectrum, in which case she may have a hard time expressing or showing any emotion. Some Aspies have a rather stoic look about them all the time and don't like being touched and can't handle change of any kind. Not saying she has it, but she could. That would be one explanation of why she seems to be rejecting you.

Your son seems to have more serious symptoms. He is the one I am wondering about as far as an unstable first three years...were there many caregivers coming and going? Did he experience chaos?

If not, think about your children's genetic family tree on both sides of the DNA. That could lead you to an answer that you probably won't get, at least for your son, for a long time. He is still young. I am thinking he is way too extreme for ADHD..just my opinion.

I would get to that neuropsychologist ASAP. I would demand it from the pediatrician. If he won't offer the referral, I'd switch pediatricians. You can't live this way. You deserve better. You deserve peace and so do your kids, who are suffering too, but NOT NOT NOT because of how you parent them.

Hugs and remember to be kind to yourself. Remember that you are not causing this nor are you the only parent with children who are extremely difficult. Look at how many people belong to this board!!!

 

[Confused]

MidwestMom, No all has been the same with both kids, same dad, same caregivers ( all family) No abuse, no daycares, father and I were already living apart when I got prego with all kids. So no change in home location. My pregnancy with my son was rough ( just as it was with my first son I lost) My now son born 4 weeks early,( home next day) bowed legs and speech delay. Problems all started at year and half- basically 2 yrs old. Totally bad at 3.. more and more violence/deffiance.. always very active.

I havent drank since I found out I was prego with daughter.. 14 years ago.. none unless u count their father tricked me into a sip saying it was my cup not his
Their father alcholic in denial
My mother Schizophrenia
All males on kids fathers side womanizers/ violent ( none supposedly ever tested for issues) they only met only one relative of his never alone
No abuse from father to them or in front of them ( only the women in his life- some men friends)

Sorry you were in a ward- but glad you got treated. 10 weeks is a long time. My sis was in there a a couple months in one, few weeks another. I was in cuz I didnt want to go to school- abusive teacher... Your right things have changed now..

 

[BusynMember]

I actually enjoyed the hospital once I got used to it and got to know the staff...lol. I learned a lot too. I was one of the few literate patients there and it was a teaching hospital. They would tell me a lot and I learned. But then I had to go back to hospitals twice for medication reactions and neither hospital was as good as the first one. Still, they kept me for a few weeks, until the medications were adjusted. They sure don't do that now.

I think you should quit blaming yourself. Lots of personality quirks and a psychiatric history in your kid's background and you can't control that. It's not YOU. It has nothing to do with how you parent your kiddos. Once you get them diagnosed and treated, things should improve, especially for your little guy.

In the meantime, you need to make sure you get time outs and time to yourself, even if it's just a bath with fragrant candles and bubblebath and a good book (one of my naughty secrets of what I like to do in order to chill out. I have dropped a few books in the tub!!). You need to be able to chill out and watch a movie while Dad watches the kids for a few hours. You need to get out of the house without the kids. And you need to keep coming back here so we can remind you that this is not your fault. Also, remember, you don't know what goes on in the homes of other people. Many, many people have trouble with their kids.

 

[Confused]

Thanks, still hard to say its not me. Im thinking of hiring someone to come in the mornings help getting him going..or maybe night would be better...

Thats cool they were teaching you different stuff