I feel like I'm drowning

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 5, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    We spread my moms ashes last night and it was a beautiful night for it. It couldn't have been any more perfect. I know she was smiling as the sunset.

    My husband drove the boat out there and then on the way back up the dock started telling me how he hopes my going to counseling will help me decide what I want and that I need to know that he hopes I choose to save our marriage. I told him I have not had 2 seconds to myself to grieve for my mother or process the fact that he had an affair and that I couldn't even begin to think about what I want right now. In the next breath he said, do you need me to stay home tonight, or do you mind if I go out. I told him I don't care what he does. I guess I just assumed that after seeing how emotional it was for me to really say goodbye to my mom, he may just hang home with my dad and all, but I guess that would have cramped his style. Then he told me his brother has a place for him to stay. Thank god I never mentioned the sharing the house for awhile. He will move out next week and right now I can't wait. I need room to breath. I really feel like I'm drowning. I have not had one minute to myself in 2 weeks to process anything. The only time I have to myself is when I go to bed at night and that is when I start thinking and can't sleep. I am truley exhausted and cannot wait until next week.

    My counseling session went great. Learned lots more about myself. No matter how bad I feel when I go there, I walk out a different person :smile:
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Karen, I'm not even sure what to say that would help. I can not imagine what you are going through. I hope husband moving out helps you get some time to yourself to just think. I do know how thoughts racing at night can keep you up. I'm glad to hear the counseling sessions are helping. My heart goes out to you. Let yourself grieve for your mother before dealing with husband issues. This is such an important thing you must go through in order to move on and deal with other things. I'll be thinking about you and I'll keeping you in my prayers. ((hugs))
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry things are so emotional for you right now.

    Spreading your moms ashes sounds likely a lovely time. Im sure she is smiling down on you.

    Want a giggle in the midst of your pain? I still have my mom and my grandmother sitting in boxes in my cupboard. We cant decide what to do with them. I inherited my grandmother from my mom who had her under her bathroom sink...lol. The running joke in my family is that we are waiting for me to die so that the kids can stick me between the two of them wait for the explosion!
  4. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Karen, my heart goes out to you. How hard this must be...
    How dare he.... did he really think you were going to anwser the question with Yes darling I need you to be with me at home?? UGH

    Keep your head up my friend, breathe, breathe breathe.

    Have you told difficult child/easy child of whats been going on? I have been wondering how he would handle this.

    I wish I could say something to make this easier but I am drawing a blank, just wanted to let you know I am here for you.

  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Karen, like Janet, I still have my son's ashes. We had only lived in the state he was killed in for a few days. I couldn't leave him there. We also have moved alot and I couldn't bear leaving him somewhere. husband and I have agreed that the first one of us who goes....well, ds will be with us. Wherever that is. I'm sure my friends (I really don't have any any longer) and family are appalled at the idea, but it's none of their business.

    I'm sure it gave you great comfort to know that your mom was smiling. You're very strong, my friend.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Grace, I have told easy child/difficult child. I told him we have issues that we haven't been able to resolve and that we are seperating to work on those issues. He was actually o.k. with it. Him and husband have a different relationship now anyway that I'm sure they will continue. Because he doesn't live home, this doesn't really seem to be effecting him.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    My counseling session went great. Learned lots more about myself. No matter how bad I feel when I go there, I walk out a different person.

    This is the best part of your post. You can rebuild yourself. {{hugs}}
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is the most important thing I am going to learn, is that I can rebuild myself. She told me many times that I cannot fix my husband, it's not my job. He is the only one that can do that and he doesn't think he has anything to fix. The only one I can fix is myself and that is what I need to concentrate on.

    When I once again started taking responsibility for our marital problems because I'm not "affectionate enough", she once again reminded me that my not being affectionate enough did not cause our marital problems. The fact that he makes his personal happines everyone elses responsibility but his own and can't see this, is what caused our marital problems.

    I'm always so busy trying to fix everyone else, I guess I didn't realize how broken I actually was.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    And easy child???????? DDD
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    just sending some heartfelt hugs and wanting you to know I am listening. be good to yourself and let the others go for a while.
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    easy child is doing fine. She is a very perceptive person for her age and even though I would never dream of telling her about the affair, she's the one who has made comments for months about his going out to the bar and coming home at 1:00 in the morning. I am not saying anything negative about him to her, but she sees things as they are. He wasn't home last night when she came in and she said, oh great, so he's going to stroll in at 12 or 1 o'clock and wake me up on a school night. I told her he will be moving out next week, so she won't have to worry about it after that and her reply was "good, I can't wait".

    My counselor told me not to try and fix their relationship. I didn't say anything when she said that. She is seeing what she sees and forming her own opinion. I have actually gone out of my way to protect him from her knowing half of what he does, and that isn't my job anymore either. Actually, it never was my job, but I'm just learning that.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I Was A House, by Star for K

    Once upon a time there was a nice little house, on a not so busy street. The lawn was pretty & green, and the flowers, shrubs and trees were all manicured to perfection. It was an attractive little house.

    One day a car pulled into the drive and a man got out. He looked at the little house and the house beamed with pride. "Tenants!!" thought the house, maybe a family some day for me to embrace and keep safe. A family that will love me and fill my empty rooms with love and happiness. The man swayed by the attractiveness of the house bought it and soon married. The little house fell into a slumber and dreamed of the sound of children and laughter. The family did come along eventually and the lady of the house too busy to tend a family, work AND care for the house, stopped washing the windows, painting the walls, patching accidental holes. Her family neeed her, she had no time for holes, and windows.

    In the mean time, the house had grown accustomed to children and their noises, their laughter, their cries in the night. It had held birthday parties, celebrations, in-laws at Christmas and neighbors and friends inside it's walls. This pleased the little house. It was full of love. The house was content and understood that buying a pair of braces was more important than new carpeting. Or paying for a college fund took precedence over repairing a window or a faulty garage door.

    Year after year the little house gave up more and more until one day; tired and broken down the little house sighed. The beautiful lawn was full of weeds, the windows didn't open like they used to, the plumbing was in need of repair, the roof had been let go. Even a few shingles even hung off the side of the eaves. The house was in bad repair, it wasn't as attractive as it was the day the man pulled up in the car and said "I love it, I'll take it!" The children were long gone. They had left in what seemed such a short time to go have little houses of their own. The man of the house spent more and more time away and it was so quiet all of a sudden.

    One day the lady of the house was alone in the little house and started taking quite a shocking inventory of all that she saw was in need of attention. "When? she asked herself did the windows quit opening and how dirty are these walls, and look at the roof, and the rose garden was now a parking space for a minivan!. What have I been doing that I let this little house that I love get so shabby?"

    With only her silence and the weeds and dirt to comfort her, the woman of the house sat and closed her eyes. She could hear the little first foot steps of her children, the cries in the night for her to comfort and chase away the boogey man. But the reality of the day set in when she took inventory of everything that needed to be repaired. There was so much that she let go for the sake of others that she forgot to take care of the house that took care of her and her family. She cried. She felt overwhelmed. She felt like she was drowning.

    Alone with her thougths she decided to do SOMETHING! But what? The little house had been like her in reality. With the family gone, how hard would it be to take the time to repair the house? She threw a fresh coat of paint on the walls to make the house look better, but it didn't really. The roof was still shabby, the garden was still weeds, and the superficial paint job didnt' make her or the house actually any better.

    The house had served well for years. It kept the family warm, safe and dry. It saw accomplishments, and defeats. It had sent her children to college because of all the sacrifices it made. And eventually it watched the man suffering from his own maladies leave.

    The lady of the house did the best she knew how to do. She began to write an inventory of sorts of things that needed to be done. There was a list for rennovations, improvements, and things that needed to just go. She took her list and began to work a little at a time on the house she once loved so dearly, but had neglected. Little by little the house and the lady felt better. She got the roof fixed, she enlarged the attic for a study space for her college degree, she removed the dirty carpet and put in hard wood floors that shined like the sun. The windows were repaired and washed, and she even got rid of some old furniture, baggage and junk - making a yard sale windfall she bought some flowers and moved her new car back to the drive.

    Standing in the middle of the road looking at the revived little house she realized how much she and the little house were alike. And all the while she was working on the house, she had been working on herself as well. This pleased the little house and it also pleased the lady of the house.

    People driving by the little house, saw how beautiful the little house was. It looked like a house that was loved. It looked like a place you'd want to rest in; a safehaven from the world. And the lady was pleased to see that once she took care of her home, others around her couldnt' help but do the same to their homes which in turn changed their lives. The lady of the house by taking care of herself unknowingly became a contageous epidemic of happiness and wellbeing.

    The lady decided the little house really was a castle. And every castle has a princess (her) and every princess has a prince (or an Ogre who's kind) and she lived happily everafter (but still went once a week to counseling and Home Depot)

    The End.

    I'm a castle K...somedays Castle Dracula...but still I'm a castle. I didn't get to be a shabby little house overnight and in my day I was quite a "deal". I like knowing that by working on myself from the inside out...I'm healing the right way.

    Dont' let anyone stand in the way of your repairs. You deserve it.

    Hugs & Love
    - Star
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending big hugs.......I am so so sorry.....about everything.

    I know having time to yourself, will make all the difference in the world. Take as much time as you need, even years, to make the decisions that will truly make you happy.
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star! A standing ovation!

    :bravo: :bravo: :bravo: :bravo:
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Star, I can't thank you enough!!!! That was absoluteley beautiful and came along just at the right time.

  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    the fact that you do not give inspirational, humorous speeches around the world means that you have missed your calling.

    How fortunate that we have you ALL TO OURSELVES! MRAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Big hug Karen. I hope you can find some peace in the next few weeks---you deserve it!
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

  19. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I second BBK, thank goodness we have you :smile:
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your counselor sounds like a gem. I'm so sorry for all you are having to deal with and as others have said take your time deciding what is right for you. Hugs.