i feel so guilty

[PatriotsGirl]

Jena, I am seriously excited for you. Because if you both put the work in on fixing things and making each other's lives a bit brighter - you are going to find you have one heck of a marriage and life partner! husband and I went a very rocky road for a long time, but we stuck it out and worked on it and the relationship we have now is worth more than anything on the planet!!!!

 

[AnnieO]

The biggest issue many Americans have with marriage? Starts with a fairy tale, which inevitably ends with:

"...and they lived happily ever after."

No one told us that Prince Charming had to carefully bandage and then rub Cinderella's sweaty, stinking feet, because there's no "break-in" to glass slippers, and no air flow, so she had awful blisters and bunions.

No one ever mentioned that Snow White had to clean up after seven bachelors. No wonder she was ready for her Prince! And I bet he got his rear end reamed if he so much as dropped a sock on the floor.

Does anyone mention how vain Rapunzel was? I mean, c'mon, all that gorgeous hair? Her prince secretly wanted to chop it all off, forever.

No one tells us that Belle and her Beast were great conversationalists, but he was an animal, after all, and their incompatible sex life was just the tip of the iceberg.

They just "lived happily ever after".

NO ONE REALLY DOES THAT. We're all looking for our knight in shining armor, to rescue the maiden in distress. But when he does? We expect him to keep on with that. But he's tired, he's been riding a horse all day, that armor weighs a ton, and to top it off, those helmets are impossible to eat through. So he's starving, too. And he walks in the door and it's like Rumpelstiltskin stole not his firstborn but his wife and he has to guess what the lil snot wants before he can even try to relax.

on the other hand - never forget that Cinderella became a master at mopping, and then Prince Charming walks in, in all that armor, tracking mud and grass in. Doesn't even notice that she took the time to clean the kitchen for him, just demands dinner...

 

[busywend]

One thing struck me in somone's post. Not sure who.

This is a stepdad that already has a turbulent relationship with one of the girls - no way should he step in if Jen & her daughters are going at it. Sorry - I will never accept that one. That will set off difficult child like you won't believe!

I have sooooooooooo been there done that with a pre-teen dealing with a new man in mom's life. It is NOT easy, let me tell you. You have to find the line that she can not cross - like trying to break up your time at night - and make that line as deep as you can. Do NOT let her take that from you.
She has to learn her relationship with everyone in that house is different, just as yours is. Husband love is not like Daughter love. It is just not the same - not better or worse, more or less - just different.

 

[Hound dog]

Jena

difficult child is old enough to start learning about relationships. Sounds like with her it's more a jealousy issue than anything. You need to be firm about the fact that you have every right to have a life partner and to spend time with that partner, whether she likes it or not. I went through this with katie who had no memory of her parents being together because they divorced when she was about 18 mos old. Still she was jealous and didn't want to share her daddy. I had to set up rules for it and stick to them, while taking time to develop my own relationship with her and making sure that husband was still spending time with her too. Once we were past the jealousy/sharing deal things went pretty smoothly considering she was a difficult child from the get go. lol

I use husband as my venting board..........but never when he first walked in the door. It was usually later when the kids went to bed......still I kept a lot of what went on while he was at work to myself unless I really needed to unload because the situations were taken care of and there was no need to rehash them. We have a standing rule if the kids ask him for something he asks me first in case they've come to me and I've already given them an answer. (which is why I was ticked he'd told katie we'd take her to disability without asking me first) This worked both ways sometimes, but usually due to the fact that I was home with them 24/7, I didn't run stuff past him as much as he did me. He worked 2nd shift and for yrs only saw the kids on the weekend, so discipline had to be handled by me, which meant he did more of What did your mother say? than I did What did your father say? Know what I mean??

 

[Jena]

all good points....... by all!

Shari i totally agree and told husband that i said if we fight it has to be fair, hasn't always been. i said unloading like that because you "stuffed" it al in isn't right obviously. he said he was sorry yet kept it short and sweet. I didnt' push for more at all, let him take it at his pace.

it was crazy i wont' lie, difficult child right away was hysterical she undoes quickly i just hugged her and said listen he's upset right now, just let him be upset. she doesn't outwardly disrespect him, yet yesterday she planted him pretty severely i gotta say when he began to yell.

yet she just kinda tolerates his existance. grunts hello at him etc. he'd never ever do something with-o us that's why i was so shocked as was she when he did that. my stepdaughter said well we had no clue what was going on, just dad kept mumbling to himself and said i should geta divorce! she said did that offend you? lol. i said well sometimes in a marriage ppl get upset, and we are just human beings and don't always use the "right" words either. yet the importance is learning from our mistakes, I've done or rather not done some things and your dad called me on it. not the way i would of liked yet still the same he did. you just just got caught in the mix because dad shoved it in and down so long it came out spilling everywhere.

that's why i always tell you use your words, tell me what's going on, dont be nasty just give me the truth and how your feeling and we'll figure it out. do you want to know what this little girl said to me?? she said well, it's weird because when he was with my Mom she always yelled at him, and he'd slip on occassion yet right away say oh i'm sorry. HMMM......... kinda knew that one. she said my Mom yells all the time that way so i'm used to it. yet i dont' want to be that way, i said good for you.

difficult child and i talked fora while today heading to therapy.... i said i'm not giving him a medal for blowing up, i said yet he had valid points, he doesnt' feel like he's part of our family difficult child. I said he does for all of us, flew to portland for you because he cares and for me, has done otehr things through the years and you dont even say hi to him. if i leave you with him alone you dont' talk to him you walk away. i said mom doesn't always do the right thing to make him feel comfortable and like he's an important part of what we 3 here share. i said things have to change. i said at 11 my door will be closed, i will completely ignore your screaming and yelling and i will just talk to him after he gets in from work. i said 'm allowed that time.

so she said why dont' you want to watch movies with me and share your things with me?? LOL. i said your my daughter, he's my friend. i said a girl your age doesn't belong up at that time of the night, we had our day (all day) and you belong sleeping so the next day you can be rested and have a good day. that's grown up time. i told her i get you aren't used to this, you've never seen this before yet this is what married people do. they go out on occassion to dinner (she used to yell and run after the truck in the driveway most times) if we tried to go out back in the day when he had a free night from the kids. point is she needs adjusting. she said i dont' like him because he's trying to take the place of dad and takes up all your time lol. so i explained that.

you would never know we have lived together for this period of time. it to her is brand new.so yes i will save him dinner tonight, and be smiling when he walks in. this will be hard by the way LOL. i'm done by midnight yet tongiht i'll try, tmrw im sleeping......

we'll see how it goes. if he can be honest and trustworthy i can do this. i can make an effort to do the right thing by him. it's insane eachtime i want to walk something new unravels and shows itself. he kept saying i'm the one being ignored and abused. i was like what are you talking about each time? i said your the one with the short fuse.

than yesterday happened. it's horrible though you kinda feel like your in a chose one or the other situation. we survived his stepdaughter doign this to us, it was horrid what she did. she doesnt' come here anymore because he refused to leave me. so lately he takes her once a mos for lunch just the two of them. if he can do that im guessing i can do this

 

[1905]

Even if you don't always greet him with a smile at midnight, because you're asleep, a nice to dinner in the fridge for him to heat up will be just the same. You and difficult child are there together all day, you can actually spend time with her cooking it together. With her eating disorder it would be great practice, heck it could be math, reading, home Easy Child., art...She will also take her cues from you. Be careful never to talk about your marrige to her- I mean don't ever trash talk husband. Keep your boundaries, she's not a friend, she's your daughter and doesn't want or need to know things that are really for a friend your own age. She's only a child and doesn't care about how many things he pays for, I had a friend who's mom confided in her about private things, it caused my college-age friend so, so much stress.
If your difficult child screams to get her way, DO NOT give in to her. She's learned the louder she screams, she will get her way. No, ignore her. I'm PROMISING you she will stop this if you stop giving in to her. I can tell you it will get worse before it gets better, she has to unlearn this negative attention seeking behavior. Coddling her in her bed is making things worse. I'm not in any way trying to be offensive or mean (((HUGS))).

 

[HaoZi]

One thing struck me in somone's post. Not sure who.

This is a stepdad that already has a turbulent relationship with one of the girls - no way should he step in if Jen & her daughters are going at it. Sorry - I will never accept that one. That will set off difficult child like you won't believe!

I have sooooooooooo been there done that with a pre-teen dealing with a new man in mom's life. It is NOT easy, let me tell you. You have to find the line that she can not cross - like trying to break up your time at night - and make that line as deep as you can. Do NOT let her take that from you.
She has to learn her relationship with everyone in that house is different, just as yours is. Husband love is not like Daughter love. It is just not the same - not better or worse, more or less - just different.

That was me, and it was in reference to one of Jena's post from a while back where husband took her daughter's side during one of her run off times.

 

[Jena]

hi

i never ever lay in bed with-difficult child. i'Tourette's Syndrome total opposite here so your getting wrong impression. as far as coddling, i've made sure as not to do that. i dont' share my marriage thoughts with her, i shared with-her the reason for his upsetment the "points" that were for her ears. shes' only 12 with a ton of her own issues to handle. i'd never sit with-her and chat about my marriage, did i write somewhere that i do that??? that would be crazy......

as far as the bedtime thing, she does scream and i do not lay with her etc. at all. piont is she used to be able to get me out by threatening me to wake other kids. and she has done it lol. i wont' allow her to do that anymore. if she wakes them she wakes them.

her behaviors all stem from her anxiety issues and her defiance level whether that be the bipolar in her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) who knows.... yet she hates to be alone at night, hates silence etc. we stand firm we truly do, you'd have to see it in action to even get what it's ike here on certain nights. it a freak show. nights shes' thrown herself onto floors, broken part of her bunk bed in a rage, locked herself in bathroom all because i wont' give into her i just sit in my room meditating or talking to husband and breathing while it goes down. she's a wild ride my kid, alot of good in there. someday she'll rule the world if she can use it for good and not evil.