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i feel so guilty
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 418385" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I agree with many posters here, and I too do not at all want to come across as sounding mean or crass. I would feel awful right now as your husband. That is not discounting the huge amount on YOUR Plate right now. I'm coming at this post basically from what your husband is experiencing right now. He fell in love with you, you two brought your children together, he married you, this marriage is brand new. He knows the pressures in the home as much as you do even if you deal all day with them all since he's working. But he is working, wondering what is going on at home, how you are that day, how the kids are, his phone is chirping text after text from his ex, he knows that will tick you off, he then comes home and the little pleasures of having a spouse aren't there in a brand new marriage. He isn't coming home to happy kids and wife, dinner, laundry done, relaxing evenings with the family. He's coming home to the chaos of the kids issues, the problems between he and you, no dinner, dirty clothes to watch, you needing help to cope with the kids issues, etc. As much as this marriage is not bringing you joy right now, nor is it bringing him joy. </p><p></p><p>The comment about marriages should not be this hard? Well, all marriages have tough moments and trials and tribulations. Loving someone doesn't bring a promise of perfection as we all know. It just so happens in your situation that right as soon as the happy wedding was over, things in the home went to chaos. These are major issues with the kids, the ex etc. Having them all occur at once is a tough spot for any marriage. Having them all come up right when it is the expectation of both of you that you will be currently enjoying the honeymoon phase of your new marriage has got to be a loss and disappointment to both of you. What a let down when we work hard to find a life partner, have a wedding and with it the expectations of living in the "happy glow" for a while and suddenly so many major things occur that you are both robbed of that bonding period for couples that is so important for a marriage.</p><p></p><p>Having said all that, please do not think I don't feel huge compassion for the spot YOU are in, your disappointments, your struggles to hold it all together for this new blended family you are now the matriarch of. I wish nothing for you but a way forward to claim the life you must certainly have envisioned during your wedding. (((hugs)))</p><p></p><p>Your husband's feelings to me? They seem not only natural, it would seem unnatural for me if he had rose colored glasses marring his ability to see that life has suddenly turned difficult in all areas, same as you are experiencing. Men and women, being wired different, have different needs. And often when a mans needs aren't met, they fall away from meeting others needs. (Yes, it does work both ways but in my experience men shut down faster than women) This isn't the life YOU pictured, so surely it also is not what your husband pictured. You are stressed by your own admission and for good reason. So is he. You handle it one way. He handles it his way. I think it is great he came out with how he is feeling. He has just given you what I call "a roadmap to success". He expressed some things that are causing more pain for him, and these are things you can improve on without much effort. If you have to eat, and kids have to eat, make your husband a plate and heat it for him when he comes home after working all day. You both worked all day, in or out of the home. THe thing is, he wasn't the one workign in the home and at the stove cooking that meal. So since you are, he logically can't understand why you thought of him not at all in preparing a family meal. Laundry? Well if its important to him, throw his stuff into the mix. Nothing wrong with asking him to return the favor on his day off by helping with the folding of the weeks wash or taking a day to catch up leftover laundry etc to ease your work load. </p><p></p><p>I also think as parents we can become so focused on the high needs of our kids, especially difficult child's, that the world revolves around their issues. It shouldn't. Yes it is a major forefront issue, but why should your brand new marriage, your spouse, your chosen life partner, not be in the equation simply because the kids have needs? The kids should be taught that their needs ARE met, and you and husband WILL meet your mutual needs as well. Heck the kids should be taught a certain amount of "married couple time" is GOING to occur each day and in that time, their issues are NOT on the table as you both have a right to put yourselves on the priority list. From husband's perspective, he goes to work and that equals the work you put in at home. Yet when he comes home he has no comforts a married man hopes to enjoy (dinner waiting, laundry, smiling faces to greet him, relaxing time all evening without drama). It would then be hard to turn to his new wife and shower her with HER needs for love, attention, affection, pampering etc. It is a major spinning vortex that will continue until at least one of you stops allowing it to happen, and then both people end up on board. </p><p></p><p>From a personal opinion stand point? If I wanted this marriage to work, I would put new house policies in place tout suite! I would have dinner ready for husband and his laundry would be done. I would find little ways that are meaningful to him to make him feel taken care of (have coffee on in the morning, asking about his day, putting aside 15 minutes upon arrival home for just you two and NO discussion of anything upsetting in the day, express appreciation for his hard work and his salary and how dependable he is to provide for his family. Men are simple for the most part, they NEED to feel appreciated and recognized for being a provider and as much as a mother deserves to be noted for their parenting a man deserves to be noted for their work ethic and efforts to provide). I would 100% sit the kids down and cover some bases for everybodies sake, and I would ensure husband was there for the family meeting.</p><p></p><p>I would tell the kids:</p><p>1) We love you all</p><p>2) We will and have always done our best to meet your needs and be there for you</p><p>3) This marriage MATTERS and fights happen, but can also be minimized by not having to ignore the marriage 24/7 due to kids issues</p><p>4) Some things are changing and NOW. Designated "couple" time is off limits short of one of them trying to kill each other.</p><p>5) I would apologize in front of kids to husband for not seeing how much more he needed and remind him in front of the kids that every one of you owes appreciation to him for loving you all, providing and sticking out the tough times with you all and it WILL be returned to him by EVERYONE in the house</p><p>6) No children will EVER disrespect either of you, and no children will EVER pit you two against each other with them at the center of the dispute. You are all a FAMILY now and that's all there is to it. Any child violating this and throwing temper tantrums demanding marriage breakdown or the "you aren't my parent" card etc WILL be disciplined, then outline what the discipline would be. </p><p>7) Adults are as much in need of individual goals, dreams, needs, wants, wishes etc as children and in your family, it WILL be enforced that all will respect everyone as individuals. Adults are not mere puppets in servitude to their offspring and will NOT be treated as such. Assign each child some age appropriate responsabilities to the family (Chores etc) and not for profit, just because you all have a role in family and to value a family properly it is necessary to give back, not always be on the "take" side of things. This is not negotiable.</p><p></p><p>Then I'd take baby steps with your husband. Be honest about your needs, express tha tyou respect his feelings and want that to change so he too can feel he is in a healthy marriage that is valued by him. Ask him what else you can do to help him feel connected. Ask him without qualms for what you need. Agree to (and ask for in return) compromise so that you both are doing best to look out for the other. Nothing says male/female bonding more than beating the toughest times together as a couple. You will both come out of this stronger in the end if you both put some efforts in. Your family has changed this past year and perhaps some major changes are required of all of you. Your husband might be mroe inclined to change if he isn't the only one expected to. As for the kids? We often as parents fail to see kids Do adapt to change if done effectively. There is no damage to children when expectations of their role within a family are insisted upon. This is a new dynamic for all of you. It sounds like it is time for a sit down to outline what a ideal new structure looks like, and implement the needed changes. </p><p></p><p>I do believe it is hard to fall out of love so quickly after a marriage. It can however become to corrode with so many outside problems impacting the marriage. Since it sounds like the love is still there, this is on a purely logical and non emotional level, a adjustment problem blended with some crisis as well. Even the kids will in the long run be much happier with a brand new structure to adapt to rather than trying to live the way they all did before this marriage and the merging of your two families. You and husband both do not have the luxary of living as if it was pre marriage. The kids certainly don't either. I promise you, the kids might not like certain changes right away but will be glad for harmony and balance. And they will flourish faster in a home with adult role models workign together instead of against each other. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs))) It shouldn't be so hard, but that is life for most of us at different stages. It won't always be this way and this chaotic time can be eased on by recommiting to each other. xo!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 418385, member: 4264"] I agree with many posters here, and I too do not at all want to come across as sounding mean or crass. I would feel awful right now as your husband. That is not discounting the huge amount on YOUR Plate right now. I'm coming at this post basically from what your husband is experiencing right now. He fell in love with you, you two brought your children together, he married you, this marriage is brand new. He knows the pressures in the home as much as you do even if you deal all day with them all since he's working. But he is working, wondering what is going on at home, how you are that day, how the kids are, his phone is chirping text after text from his ex, he knows that will tick you off, he then comes home and the little pleasures of having a spouse aren't there in a brand new marriage. He isn't coming home to happy kids and wife, dinner, laundry done, relaxing evenings with the family. He's coming home to the chaos of the kids issues, the problems between he and you, no dinner, dirty clothes to watch, you needing help to cope with the kids issues, etc. As much as this marriage is not bringing you joy right now, nor is it bringing him joy. The comment about marriages should not be this hard? Well, all marriages have tough moments and trials and tribulations. Loving someone doesn't bring a promise of perfection as we all know. It just so happens in your situation that right as soon as the happy wedding was over, things in the home went to chaos. These are major issues with the kids, the ex etc. Having them all occur at once is a tough spot for any marriage. Having them all come up right when it is the expectation of both of you that you will be currently enjoying the honeymoon phase of your new marriage has got to be a loss and disappointment to both of you. What a let down when we work hard to find a life partner, have a wedding and with it the expectations of living in the "happy glow" for a while and suddenly so many major things occur that you are both robbed of that bonding period for couples that is so important for a marriage. Having said all that, please do not think I don't feel huge compassion for the spot YOU are in, your disappointments, your struggles to hold it all together for this new blended family you are now the matriarch of. I wish nothing for you but a way forward to claim the life you must certainly have envisioned during your wedding. (((hugs))) Your husband's feelings to me? They seem not only natural, it would seem unnatural for me if he had rose colored glasses marring his ability to see that life has suddenly turned difficult in all areas, same as you are experiencing. Men and women, being wired different, have different needs. And often when a mans needs aren't met, they fall away from meeting others needs. (Yes, it does work both ways but in my experience men shut down faster than women) This isn't the life YOU pictured, so surely it also is not what your husband pictured. You are stressed by your own admission and for good reason. So is he. You handle it one way. He handles it his way. I think it is great he came out with how he is feeling. He has just given you what I call "a roadmap to success". He expressed some things that are causing more pain for him, and these are things you can improve on without much effort. If you have to eat, and kids have to eat, make your husband a plate and heat it for him when he comes home after working all day. You both worked all day, in or out of the home. THe thing is, he wasn't the one workign in the home and at the stove cooking that meal. So since you are, he logically can't understand why you thought of him not at all in preparing a family meal. Laundry? Well if its important to him, throw his stuff into the mix. Nothing wrong with asking him to return the favor on his day off by helping with the folding of the weeks wash or taking a day to catch up leftover laundry etc to ease your work load. I also think as parents we can become so focused on the high needs of our kids, especially difficult child's, that the world revolves around their issues. It shouldn't. Yes it is a major forefront issue, but why should your brand new marriage, your spouse, your chosen life partner, not be in the equation simply because the kids have needs? The kids should be taught that their needs ARE met, and you and husband WILL meet your mutual needs as well. Heck the kids should be taught a certain amount of "married couple time" is GOING to occur each day and in that time, their issues are NOT on the table as you both have a right to put yourselves on the priority list. From husband's perspective, he goes to work and that equals the work you put in at home. Yet when he comes home he has no comforts a married man hopes to enjoy (dinner waiting, laundry, smiling faces to greet him, relaxing time all evening without drama). It would then be hard to turn to his new wife and shower her with HER needs for love, attention, affection, pampering etc. It is a major spinning vortex that will continue until at least one of you stops allowing it to happen, and then both people end up on board. From a personal opinion stand point? If I wanted this marriage to work, I would put new house policies in place tout suite! I would have dinner ready for husband and his laundry would be done. I would find little ways that are meaningful to him to make him feel taken care of (have coffee on in the morning, asking about his day, putting aside 15 minutes upon arrival home for just you two and NO discussion of anything upsetting in the day, express appreciation for his hard work and his salary and how dependable he is to provide for his family. Men are simple for the most part, they NEED to feel appreciated and recognized for being a provider and as much as a mother deserves to be noted for their parenting a man deserves to be noted for their work ethic and efforts to provide). I would 100% sit the kids down and cover some bases for everybodies sake, and I would ensure husband was there for the family meeting. I would tell the kids: 1) We love you all 2) We will and have always done our best to meet your needs and be there for you 3) This marriage MATTERS and fights happen, but can also be minimized by not having to ignore the marriage 24/7 due to kids issues 4) Some things are changing and NOW. Designated "couple" time is off limits short of one of them trying to kill each other. 5) I would apologize in front of kids to husband for not seeing how much more he needed and remind him in front of the kids that every one of you owes appreciation to him for loving you all, providing and sticking out the tough times with you all and it WILL be returned to him by EVERYONE in the house 6) No children will EVER disrespect either of you, and no children will EVER pit you two against each other with them at the center of the dispute. You are all a FAMILY now and that's all there is to it. Any child violating this and throwing temper tantrums demanding marriage breakdown or the "you aren't my parent" card etc WILL be disciplined, then outline what the discipline would be. 7) Adults are as much in need of individual goals, dreams, needs, wants, wishes etc as children and in your family, it WILL be enforced that all will respect everyone as individuals. Adults are not mere puppets in servitude to their offspring and will NOT be treated as such. Assign each child some age appropriate responsabilities to the family (Chores etc) and not for profit, just because you all have a role in family and to value a family properly it is necessary to give back, not always be on the "take" side of things. This is not negotiable. Then I'd take baby steps with your husband. Be honest about your needs, express tha tyou respect his feelings and want that to change so he too can feel he is in a healthy marriage that is valued by him. Ask him what else you can do to help him feel connected. Ask him without qualms for what you need. Agree to (and ask for in return) compromise so that you both are doing best to look out for the other. Nothing says male/female bonding more than beating the toughest times together as a couple. You will both come out of this stronger in the end if you both put some efforts in. Your family has changed this past year and perhaps some major changes are required of all of you. Your husband might be mroe inclined to change if he isn't the only one expected to. As for the kids? We often as parents fail to see kids Do adapt to change if done effectively. There is no damage to children when expectations of their role within a family are insisted upon. This is a new dynamic for all of you. It sounds like it is time for a sit down to outline what a ideal new structure looks like, and implement the needed changes. I do believe it is hard to fall out of love so quickly after a marriage. It can however become to corrode with so many outside problems impacting the marriage. Since it sounds like the love is still there, this is on a purely logical and non emotional level, a adjustment problem blended with some crisis as well. Even the kids will in the long run be much happier with a brand new structure to adapt to rather than trying to live the way they all did before this marriage and the merging of your two families. You and husband both do not have the luxary of living as if it was pre marriage. The kids certainly don't either. I promise you, the kids might not like certain changes right away but will be glad for harmony and balance. And they will flourish faster in a home with adult role models workign together instead of against each other. (((hugs))) It shouldn't be so hard, but that is life for most of us at different stages. It won't always be this way and this chaotic time can be eased on by recommiting to each other. xo! [/QUOTE]
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