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I Feel So Mean............
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 203174" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Daisy, </p><p> </p><p>I think you may FEEL mean. When my x destroyed his own life and mine and Dudes with drugs I would HATE the dealers, HATE the countries that I suspected they came from, HATE those people, HATE him, HATE his enabler Mother, HATE him even....and I didn't really. I was at first sad, then guilty because I felt I couldn't do anything and then I was angry and it MADE me feel mean. I had so much anger and hate and GRRRRRR built up that ANYONE or ANYTHING that came near me got lashed. </p><p> </p><p>I couldn't save him and THAT took a huge toll on my life. That burden I would learn later was NOT mine to bear. No more than it's my burden to fix and save Dude now. Oddly enough it does make you feel mean. I was angry because I am not a helpless person. I can figure out how to do practically everything with nearly nothing and pull it off like a top. But with drugs and alcohol and mental illness - different game. </p><p> </p><p>Once I figured out that yes, there are rules in life that we try to abide by to be civilized and prolong our lives - and that when it came to drugs and alcohol and mental illness - the rule book is nonexistant? It was easier with me to cope with decisions I made regarding my x. Walking away was not easy - it was healthy for me. Walking away wasn't helpful for him - it was just another blip on his screen - In the end I imagine he will have his time to reflect on what he did with the gifts that he was given. A lovely wife and son - someone who would stand by him through thick and thin - and like your friend you had been that thick and thin for her too. She did this all to herself. Not you, not you not being there to listen, not you not being there to hold her while she shakes or vomits or joneses....it's her path - and unfortunately when you head down it? There's little room for friends because by continuing self-destructive behaviors? She's actually told you she doesn't want a friend she wanted someone to fix it all for her at times - but not a friend. </p><p> </p><p>That's how it was with my life and drug/alcoholic x. Others may find that they HAD to stay and be that friend that fixed things....I took a different path and have no regrets and won't get caught up in it again. It's too much to ask of any human - especially someone I'd call a friend. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs for your hurt. </p><p>(after thought) </p><p>While your'e feeling mean? Why dont' you go down the road and HAVE WORDS with Rowdy's attacker's parents? Lol...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 203174, member: 4964"] Daisy, I think you may FEEL mean. When my x destroyed his own life and mine and Dudes with drugs I would HATE the dealers, HATE the countries that I suspected they came from, HATE those people, HATE him, HATE his enabler Mother, HATE him even....and I didn't really. I was at first sad, then guilty because I felt I couldn't do anything and then I was angry and it MADE me feel mean. I had so much anger and hate and GRRRRRR built up that ANYONE or ANYTHING that came near me got lashed. I couldn't save him and THAT took a huge toll on my life. That burden I would learn later was NOT mine to bear. No more than it's my burden to fix and save Dude now. Oddly enough it does make you feel mean. I was angry because I am not a helpless person. I can figure out how to do practically everything with nearly nothing and pull it off like a top. But with drugs and alcohol and mental illness - different game. Once I figured out that yes, there are rules in life that we try to abide by to be civilized and prolong our lives - and that when it came to drugs and alcohol and mental illness - the rule book is nonexistant? It was easier with me to cope with decisions I made regarding my x. Walking away was not easy - it was healthy for me. Walking away wasn't helpful for him - it was just another blip on his screen - In the end I imagine he will have his time to reflect on what he did with the gifts that he was given. A lovely wife and son - someone who would stand by him through thick and thin - and like your friend you had been that thick and thin for her too. She did this all to herself. Not you, not you not being there to listen, not you not being there to hold her while she shakes or vomits or joneses....it's her path - and unfortunately when you head down it? There's little room for friends because by continuing self-destructive behaviors? She's actually told you she doesn't want a friend she wanted someone to fix it all for her at times - but not a friend. That's how it was with my life and drug/alcoholic x. Others may find that they HAD to stay and be that friend that fixed things....I took a different path and have no regrets and won't get caught up in it again. It's too much to ask of any human - especially someone I'd call a friend. Hugs for your hurt. (after thought) While your'e feeling mean? Why dont' you go down the road and HAVE WORDS with Rowdy's attacker's parents? Lol... [/QUOTE]
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