I finally kicked my unstable 20 yr old son out of my house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WaveringFaith, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Before I post this update, I wanted to thank you all that have offered love and support on other threads that I've posted my situation with my difficult child. All the words of encouragement and empowerment, advice on detaching, they all seemed to be given to me at just the exact moment.

    difficult child and I had a big fight yesterday about him destroying his iphone and he also took some type of pill - I could tell by his being so out of it. I tried spraying water on his face but it only annoyed him. So in order to keep my sanity and peace, I let him sleep. My 10 yr easy child son and I went about our evening routines.

    I finally get to bed after midnight. I awaken at 4 am to sounds of loud banging and doors slamming. I knew it was my difficult child. The beast had awoken from his slumber. I was scared what I would find going on when I opened his door, but I opened it and he was dressed like he was ready to go for a jog. Hoodie, shorts (it's been 30 degrees here). When he turned to look at me, he looked like a crazy man, expressionless face, blank stare, it scared me. I asked him what he was doing and he said looking for his keys. I told him I had taken them. I asked what he was doing and said he was going for a "jog". I said well you can't have the keys. He got upset and used profanity and walked angrily past me and out the door. I locked it behind him.

    It was 4:30am at this point. I didn't know what to think of what had just happened. He had left his wallet, with his ID and the few bucks he had, all his clothes and possessions left in his room. And it was starting to rain at this point. It was all a middle-of-the-night blur. Needless to say I couldn't go back to sleep.

    Finally I decided to wake up little one and go about our day, trying hard to detach myself from this situation and go to work. As I got myself and little one dressed, I really hoped that difficult child would NOT return before we left for school/work. I hated to feel that way, but I didn't want him in my home at all. But sure enough,right as he knew we would soon be leaving, he showed up knocking. Wet, shivering, barefoot and holding his muddy shoes. I just let him in, I didn't even have time to think about anything, it was raining, my dog was going crazy, I just let him in.

    Well.. what ended up happening in the next hour was horrible. He was in my face saying Eff You (but used the real words) and he threw a dining room chair across the room. He didn't like what I was saying when I accused him of taking something last night. He denied taking anything, said he was just sleepy. I know better. Basically, he continued being in my face and using profanity (which he had never gone to these lengths before), I told my little one to go to my room and wait, we would go to school shortly, but difficult child busted in my bedroom door yelling that easy child should "effin hear this", he wanted little one to see hi like that. Horrible. I finally had to push hi out of my personal space as he would not let me walk by. I had never felt fear like that before. I told him I was going to call 911 and he taunted me to do so. But then he calmed down and went to his room.

    I knew this was it. That was the last straw. He had to go. A line had been crossed. I had never felt so fearful of my own child. And seeing the crazed look in his eye. And involving little one into the situation, even when he could see I was trying to sheild him from it.

    I'd had it. I quickly took my little one to school (luckily it's only right around the corner). Came right back, difficult child still sitting there calmly, thinking. And then it happened. I WENT OFF. Something snapped in me. All the anger, all the pain and suffering and worrying I had felt the entire past 2 years of dealing with this, all the hurt and disappointment, all the trying to keep it together and be patient and loving, all that just went Poof in that very instance.

    I told him he had to go. That I could no longer help him. And I found myself using words and phrases that I have been told and advised about on this website. I have been enabling him, he is choosing these things, he's never had to fight or work for anything, all has been given to him, and now I am done with all that. He needs to find somewhere else to live. I will not give him money, rides anywhere, nothing. He should have appreciated all of the countless opportunties that have been handed to him on a silver platter the past 2 years. But he hasn't. He destroys things that people purchase for him. He shows no respect for anyone in this house and he is no longer welcome to live here.

    It shocked him, and it shocked ME. But I held my ground. I didn't cry (surprising myself, as I usually cry at the drop of a hat at the slightest bit of emotion involving difficult child). But I didn't shed a tear. I looked like I meant business. And I did. He tried to sound calm and say he would try and find a job now, but he would need time. I said NO, too late. Go do that on your own time. Figure it out.

    So by a miracle, he seemed to accept this, and he went to his room and spent the next hour taking all his clothes out of drawers and off hangers and I could see froma distance that he was folding them neatly into a duffle bag. I heard him unpluggin all his electronics, removing things from walls, he took a few things and threw them in the dryer (I guess his wet clothes), and loaded it all up into his car. I heard him sifting though paperwork, keeping some things, throwing others on the floor, I heard him in the bathroom getting all his tootbrush, hairbrush, body sprays.. Suprisingly, as he hasn't used any of the stuff lately.

    But as I kept in the kitchen, listening out for his every next move, I started to feel an amazing sense of relief and peace. This was really finally happening. Maybe this really needed to happen this way. Because had it not been so traumatic and semi-violent, I probably would have allowed him to stay - thus continuing the enabling. No, it had to get this upsetting for me to finally realize that it's time for him to go.

    I wasn't expecting some big dramatic goodbye hug or speech, and sure enough it didn't happen. I gave him the car key, I had to back out my car, as I was parked behind him, and he got in his car and drove off.

    I walked back in the house. Quiet house. I walked in his room. Completely empty. I know it hasn't hit me yet. Even as I type this, I haven't yet cried about it. I know it will come. I know the void will hit me like a thunder bolt. Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow. But it will hit me. I am prepared for it. I am also prepared that I may see him waiting on my doorstep any day now. He knows our routine, the times we come and go. I am prepared to NOT letting him back in. It's all changed now. I saw a side of him I do not ever want to see again, or for little one to see.Little one needs me to make this happen. Little one needs a happy and stable home. He needs me to be the happy and cheerful little mama I used to be, 2 years ago, before the difficult child ordeal began.

    I have made sure all windows, doors, garage are locked. I know I need to follow through with this. But I am glad it happened. It took somethign this horrible, for me to do it. To kick out my child. Knowing he has no friends, no money, no job, no mental capacity to get a job. I know all this. He may end up losing the car, losing his stuff, on the streets. I am slowly preparing myself for all these possiblities.

    But for now, as I sit here.. I feel calm and I think I'm okay. It's amazing that I just joined this site late last week and I received all of the support that I needed, and now this happened. God pointed me here, to receive encouragement and strength to prepare for this day.

    I thank you all and I will keep posting. As this is now the beginning of an entirely new journey. Letting go, detaching completely, and bring back all that faith that has been wavering for 2 years.

    Hugs!
     
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  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. That is often how it happens WF, a giant upset we cannot ignore, we cannot hide from, we cannot deny, our stories are similar in that way..................and it ushers in the next phase. I am glad you feel free and good about it.

    Just to be cautious, if he has keys you need to change the locks. You may need to get a restraining order as he wakes up to the reality and begins the serious work of blaming YOU. Often when reality sets in with them, the big guns come out............prepare yourself for the upping of the ante, or meanness, threats, manipulations of all kinds, pleading, begging, suicide threats, anything, anything at all to make you tow the line and return to the fold. Don't do it. He has now crossed the line into violence and abuse and that changes the playing field absolutely.

    You did a good job. I so know the exact feelings you were going through as he was packing. I have been in those very shoes myself. It feels weird, and freeing and scary and oh so good and oh so strange...............but, as all our difficult child's do, they somehow land on their feet in ways you and I can't imagine. And, he has a car, a built in place to sleep.

    If you are paying for car insurance, you may want to change that. Get yourself out of any and all liability. Look at what you pay for for him, and unload it little by little or all at once, however it works for you. If that is your car, get your name off of it.

    Your timing was perfect to show up here when you did. I am a believer in destiny and yours was to be here when this happened so you could get the support you needed to do what is necessary. I think many of us get here exactly when we need it. Good for you! And, oddly, good for your difficult child too, I look at it like he is now free too, he is now free to stop his 'act' and get on with the business of living his life............or not..................that is the choice all of us have with the life we've been granted............live it, love it, cherish it or dump it............we all get to make that choice. Even if he is depressed, mentally ill, on drugs, has a conduct disorder, or is a sociopath................he can make a life of his own. Look at MWM, she's gone through hell and back with her own issues and then her kids issues and she's thriving!! It's ALL up to him now.

    Sending you big hugs and warm wishes for your continued peace............you deserve that, your little one deserves that..................I am proud of you.............good job.
     
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Be kind to yourself today, WF. This is a hard hard road you are walking and change is tough. You took a big first step today and I'm glad you are feeling the rosy feeling of relief to start. The stages of grief are many, and you will experience them again. This is the stuff of love. We love, we suffer, we grow, we set boundaries, we suffer.

    You are setting new boundaries, and your difficult child is bound to not like them and come back around again. We have taught them well and they don't give up easily.

    Start the practice of focusing on yourself and detaching through reading, writing, praying, meditation, 12 step work (if you choose). There are lots of helps out there, including reading books posted by others on this site. They will help feed your mind and heart in healthy ways and soon, this will get easier and easier, even as you are doing a very hard and different thing.

    Hang in there! we are here for you!
     
  4. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Thank you Recovering & COM.. I think my earlier adrenaline is already wearing off.. lol. I've been feeling pretty sick to my stomach the past hour, but I know it's my nerves. This is a major shock to my world. I know there will be a backlash from difficult child. It's only when and where. My goal is now to prepare myself for that. Emotionally, physically, psychologically. You are wise to point out that this is only the beginning. A fleeting feeling of freedom and relief. Such a difficult road ahead. I in no way meant to sugar coat it. It's probably going to get uglier than I've ever seen. But I experienced surge of strength that I hadn't felt before. For the first time in over 2 years, I felt control in my life, in my house.

    I believe God will lay his protective hands on my difficult child and this is happening for a reason. We needed to go through the turmoil to *hopefully* see it all become worth is someday. I plan to continue praying, meditating, seeking support from family and friends when needed, surround myself by positive energy, pick up things, fun things that I've left behind. Focus on my little one, do fun things with him again.

    A big thing happened today, I will reflect back on it and learn from it and do my best to endure what lies ahead and carry on.

    Blessings to you all :)
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm sorry you had to go through that. What your difficult child did WAS violence. I was told by my psychiatrist that if you live with stuff being thrown and with somebody close to your face that is violence. I always thought you had to be touched for it to be violence. Not true. Unfortunately, most of us have a "last straw" that is similar to yours. We take a tough stance against a kid who feels entitled to your house, your money, the nice bed he sleeps in, but feels he can live in YOUR house with his own rules and that you'd better not push him. They are good at making us feel they are less capable than they are.

    My twenty year old son has autism and is very shy, but he works and goes places, does his chores and wants to move out this year. Your son can do it if he is motivated. He can also learn to be nice to people and he'll find they are nice to him. I think you will discover that he may already HAVE friends. Who did he go out to see last night? A girlfriend that you have no clue about? Drug friends that you don't think he has? Who goes out at that hour? Something was up and you will never probably know what it was.

    Part II is that he may try to break into your house. Change the locks. Secure the windows. Be prepared to call the cops if he won't leave your property or if he destroys it. Our grown kids do not take well to us when we expect them to TRY to do what other kids their age have been doing for a long time. They retaliate, often with hurtful words, threats to harm themselves (I can't think of one time it has happened on this site, but it is always a threat) and more four letter words that you thought existed. Be ready for the big explosion back at you and how mean you are and how you were a rotten mother and his life socked, etc. etc. etc.

    All this time while he is talking like that, remember that some kids have no parents at all, live in poverty, have caregivers who leave them alone and don't feed them, and who are physically and sexually abused. Your son has had a good life...maybe TOO good...and don't let him tell you anything else. Don't argue with him either. Just let him rant or don't listen to him at all. I like being quiet much better.

    If you want a true glimpse into your son's private life, check his Facebook. He has probably cleaned out anything incriminating from his room. His cell phone is even more telling, but I guess he doesn't have one anymore. You may be in for some real eye opening reads.

    Stay strong and focused on your little boy and husband and, most of all, yourself. Play soothing music, light scented candles, be gentle with yourself. Read a silly book that has no deep meaning to it. Watch a goofy television show with your son. If you have a pet, hold the pet and stroke the soft fur.

    Make your life about YOU and those who treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Your son will survive far better than you think he can. And maybe, just maybe, not having a soft pillow will make him think about the life he has chosen for himself. Maybe he will get a move on to change.

    A jog in the middle of the night? Still not buying it.

    Huggles!!!!
     
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  6. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs WV,

    In 3-4 days, you will start feeling much better about this, I think. You did the right thing. You did the ONLY thing. At 20yo, my difficult child was doing much the same stuff - staying in his room, letting us pay his bills and being rude. One time, he spit in husband's face. Twelve years later, my difficult child has not grown one bit. We should have disengaged then. I WISH we had. I am HAPPY you were strong enough to do it. You are most likely saving your son and your family from much more heartache.

    And, down the road, life will be much better for him because he made it happen.

    You may feel pretty numb for awhile. As others say, be kind to yourself. Make yourself take walks and enjoy the sounds of birds and the pretty sky. And the time you spend ruminating will lessen and lessen as you feel better and better. You won't think you did the right thing for your family; you will know it. The second-guessing will stop as your brain starts taking over.
     
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  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that when your stomach hurts like this when the craziness stops it's not that it's something new, it's that we haven't been giving ourselves enough attention to even notice that our stomachs have been a mess for years. It's letting go. Don't be surprised if you find all kinds of things - good and bad - that you hadn't noticed before. Your difficult child has been selfishly taking all of your time and attention and you have been distracted from the rest of your life.

    Do change the locks. When he calls or comes by don't invite him into the house. You could agree to meet him someplace to have a cup of coffee and then reiterate what you've already said and done. You deserve a decent life and so does your little one. difficult child is probably a lot more savvy about where to go and what to do than you realize. There's almost always someone who will give a kid like that a sofa for a while. Surprisingly, our difficult child's always seem to be able to behave better for others than they do for us.
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I know of people that set some boundaries like these when the time is right:

    Let's talk on Tuesday nights at 630 for a few minutes to catch up and we'll meet for dinner every other Sunday night at a restaurant.

    This type of arrangement, after years and years of drama and pain and chaos.

    I like thinking that my son and I will have something like an arrangement like this if and when...

    It is too bad and too sad we have to set these types is boundaries but we live and we learn and if we are lucky we act on what we have learned until they show us they have really truly moved on to a new and healthier place. Hang in there!
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    A regular dinner or coffee at a neutral place is an excellent idea. I know it would have been something that my kids and I would have had to have built up to. I wish I had thought of it when we were going through so many problems.
     
  10. BackintheSaddle

    BackintheSaddle Active Member

    Hey WF....congratulations! you took a major step toward freeing yourself of a lot of stress and heartache...I'm sorry it had to come to this but having just reached the same place about a month ago, I can tell you that it won't take long before the shock wears off and you start crying all the time...be kind to yourself, like COM was suggesting- read books, do a lot of soul searching, give yourself the time and space to do that...i've even start restorative yoga which seems to help me release some of the bad feelings pint up inside...your difficult child sounds like a lot of ours and my guess is he's a master manipulator of you...he knows the buttons to push to make you feel guilty and accept him back/give him what he wants and he will be punching them soon...if he's like my difficult child, he doesn't believe you'll stick up for yourself and he will keep trying to wiggle his way back to your home...the stronger you put your boundaries down NOW, the better it will be for you because as he tests your boundaries, it can be hard for you to maintain them, particularly if you don't have a local support system...my husband has been my rock throughout the past 6 weeks, do you have a friend/SO like that you can confide in?

    if you don't want the expense of changing locks (which I know isn't cheap), you can consider changing up your routine for a time...maybe leave the house a little earlier each day and stop with your easy child and get some breakfast...come home at different times, make it hard for him to find you...a restraining order is free and though it's a step that makes me feel awful to think about for myself (haven't gone there yet), it is a very good option...he was very violent and if he were to show up again high on something or really pissed that you're not letting him manipulate you, it'd be nice to have that protection in place...another cheap strategy (not even sure if money is an issue but it often is)-- put a latch on the door so even if he has a key, he'd have to knock the door down to get in the windows...if you have sliding glass doors, put sticks in them so they can't be opened...let neighbors know (if you feel comfortable doing so) so they can help keep a look out for him and know he's not a welcome site right now..

    one last thing I wanted to say...I was trying to have breakfast with my son and do miss him terribly...I've met him twice and it was ok but it's really hard to see him at this point...he's blaming me for everything, really angry, wants money, and can't see past his own nose to understand that maybe I'm not all that happy to be graced with his presence for breakfast ...I stopped doing breakfast for awhile now...haven't seen him in about 3 1/2 weeks...it's made it easier to detach in some ways and harder too but at least I don't have to meet him in public right now and pretend like we're a 'normal' family chatting away...I've decided to wait a while longer before trying to do that again...give him time to figure out what he's doing with his life (and whether I mean anything to him to initiate a meeting) and give me space to detach.....that's hard to do and a long, tough process that folks here are at varying stages of conquering -- some days are harder than others but on those days, take it minute by minute if you have to just to get through the day...

    All the best to you and your easy child...I'm sure he's upset by this too (and relieved?) so maybe a movie or two out when difficult child wouldn't expect you to be gone is a good way to get your mind off things!
     
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  11. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Good morning and thank you all for your encouragement! Yesterday was absolutely the longest day of my life. Not knowing where my difficult child went to, knowing he was unstable when he walked out the door and knowing he had nothing to start his journey (other than his anger towards me). I tried to detach and focus on little one. When we drove home after school, he noticed difficult child's car wasn't in the driveway and quickly asked where he was. I told him he was finding another place to live. I saw a look of both sadness and relief on little one's face. The rest of the night I focused on him and I was amazed at how cheerful, talkative, and relaxed he was being - knowing difficult child wasn't in the house. It made me so sad that I have allowed difficult child to affect little one's happiness for so long. But I was happy to see HIM happy. We played games and had a cereal-eating contest before bed :)

    I basically walked around the house aimlessly the whole evening. Just that uneasy anxious feeling that I'm sure all other mothers have felt that are in this position of not knowing where or how your difficult child is. Every car door or sound I would hear on the street made me jump, thinking it was him coming back. I had a brief phone conversation with my mom about it all. I didn't want to talk very long as I didn't want to dwell on it too long and break down. We both agreed that this had to happen and she suspected he may show up at her doorstep. Since he had destroyed his only source of communication and information - his phone. My parents house was really the only place he knew to find, without the aid of GPS on phone.

    Well, lo and behold.. around 9:30pm my mom sent me a quick email saying difficult child had just shown up there. He was walking because apparently his car broke down. The same car that my parents have kept in perfect condition all these years, now it's broken down as soon as he got a hold of it. Typical. So there my poor dad went with him to go find the car and recover his belongings from it.

    I instantly got so mad! Here I thought difficult child would see this as a breakthrough moment where he would snap and see he needs to figure out how to fend for himself. I was actually looking forwardt to seeing how he would accomplish this. Now here he was bothering my poor parents. My dad just retired on Friday of last week after 40 long years of hard work. And this is how he begins his retirement?! And my poor mom suffers terribly from rheumatoid arthritis. I hate hate hate that they are now going to be enabling him - even though they don't see it that way. I'm sure they only plan to let him stay there for a short time, but that's how it started with him staying with me. I now feel guilty for pushing him out only to now put the suffering on my parents. But clearly, that was not my intention.

    So here difficult child found another place to mooch.. the loving and doting grandparents. Where he can continue looking at me as the bad guy (I really could care less at this point), and free room and board and all the delicious home cooked meals I know my mom will cook for him. Even though she's in pain with arthritis, I know she will be cooking meals for him - that's just how she is.

    Ughh! I feel helpless in this new turn of events! I am glad he is not mooching at my house, but now feel terrible his is doing it at my parent's, which is an hour away from me. Same problem, different house. What motivation does he have to go fend for himself now? I'm so angry!
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    WaveringFaith, our kids do tend to find places to mooch, but the welcome usually wears out and they end up couch surfing. You can't control how long the grands will put up with him. At least he is out of YOUR house. It's up to your parents to either make him leave or enable him.

    Enjoy your peace. You can not control your parents. And why do you feel badly? YOU aren't mooching. He is. And he is NOT you. And your parents are allowing him to do it...for now. It is their decision and you had nothing to do with it and have nothing to feel guilty about. Let it go. Now THEY have to face hard choices, but you did not cause this. They can show him the door. If they won't...it's their problem. I'm sure you have warned them. Don't let them guilt trip you either.

    Let it go. You ARE helpless to change this situation. Enjoy your life and pamper yourself :)
     
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  13. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    OOf...I can feel the crushing disappointment and guilt (about your parents) that this must bring on. And anger/irritation at your son. I can almost taste it in my own mouth. YOu thought you had reached a critical point, and he did something unexpected, and pulled your (rather sweet sounding) parents in.

    So here is the thing...you DID reach a critical point. You reached YOUR OWN critical point, which is the only one you can control. YOu did GREAT!!!!! You built up to it, you saw it, you considered all your history and all your options, you listened with a loving mommy heart, and you DID THE RIGHT THING!! You saw that in your little one's face. YOu felt it in your own heart. You were right, and you still are.
    Your parents will have to do what they have to do. I"m not surprised they felt they had to take him in. I'm sure you are right they will tend to him for a bit. Maybe he'll get better, in a different setting, after the shock/reality check of being asked to leave your house. Maybe he won't.

    But you are still on the right track. As MWM said, you are helpless to change the situation. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom....be very very ver ycareful not to let her genuine love and distress for yo uand for your son draw you back in. SHe is making her own choices now, and she knows the story. I'll bet she'll handle things OK.

    My sweet loving sister, who is a major enabler and a burden-taker (not to say martyr) has always been a sanctuary for my difficult child. Forutnatley she lives several states away, so he can't get there. She used to try to serve as a go between..I finally told her that she can do what she wants about contact with him, but she must leave me out of it. For my own sanity I do not want to hear details, or even know that they talked. I do not want another suggestion about what I can do or how I can handle things, or how I can help him. She's been good about it, but honestly it has truncated our relationship...I don't call her or skype her anymore because of the Elephant In The Room. I hope that will pass, like I hope a lot of things will pass. I guess I share that part because YOU HAVE TAKEN A BIG STEP towards getting your own life and your little one's life back on track. YOur parents, as well intentioned as they are, may feel the need to update you, make suggestions, share enlightening details (I hate that) and overall keep you stuck in the mud. Try to avoid that. Tell them you need a vacation from hearing about him. Let them know how despeartely ill he was making you. YOu need some time to heal and get stronger before you can hear about him again.
    Good luck to you. Keep posting. You have been very strong. We are here for you.
    Hugs,
    Echo
     
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  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If you feel it will help, give your parents permission to keep him or kick him out or do whatever they want to with him. He's manipulative, and he's clearly been manipulating you for a while. It's ok to admit that. It's ok to admit that to your parents, too. If they have other plans for their lives right now, everyone should know that that is acceptable. They don't have to dance to his tune any more than you do. In fact, the only piper he pays is his own. After your parents ask him to leave there will be someone else. It's what he knows how to do. Hopefully he'll meet a girl who will tell him to get his act together - as boys do, eventually - and he'll figure it out.
     
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  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You have been given such great advice. I love this site. I wanted you to know I was reading along too, because it's good to know we have been seen and heard, and that we are being thought of as we go through this stuff. The advice you have been given was right on. I can't think of anything at all to add. Hold steady. You are doing so well!

    Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. It helps me to remember it is the situation that is bad, and that whatever I do to correct it isn't going to feel very good, either. It is so hard not to second-guess everything.

    Cedar
     
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  16. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi there, I'm dealing with a difficult 20-year-old also. You can read my thread about my 20-year-old difficult child trying to move back home. You might want to read it; it might make you feel better knowing yet another someone is having to turn away their child. It is so hard, but I can tell you that mentally I had no alternative but to do it. Like you, my voice sounded like someone else talking when I told her that I just could not go back to living like that again (in fear of her). When I told her that she could not come move back here and explained why she would not do well here, it actually did give me a sense of relief that I would not have to return to living like that again. Also like your situation, my difficult child is very manipulative and likes to play her grandparents. She gets them feeling so sorry for her (they are in their 80s) and they give her money and other things. But that is their choice. I cannot control them any more then I can control her! Is your son bipolar? When you talked about the crazed look in his eyes, it sounded so much like the look that I have heard many parents describe when a bipolar child (including mine) has a violent mood swing. I wondered if he was on medication. It does help my daughter a great deal. That is why we still pay for her medication from the psychiatrist -but it is mailed straight to her so that I do not have to be involved with it. I guess I wanted to say to you to hang in there, that there are many, many others like us. You don't realize it because people are not walking around with a sign on them any more than I am. Thank goodness for this website -the only place I can go where others really and truly understand. Good luck and God bless.
     
  17. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Good morning everyone-- This is the first time I have a chance to log-on, my job has been a madhouse. Actually it's been a welcome distraction to the situation with my difficult child. He's still at my parents' house, after my kicking him out Tuesday morning. My dad called me yesterday just to let me know that everything was fine and calm. All of your words have helped me to confirm that No-there is nothing I can do about him staying over there. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, it IS their choice to let him stay there.

    As far as how I have been doing, I have felt a little peace and a few sporadic moments of joy with my little one. easy child has been much more calm and cheerful also, bless his heart. Even though it feels calm in my house now with difficult child gone, I still have that underlying anxiety that lies just beneath the surface. It's just a bad situation to be in, but like all of you have recommened.. I've been praying a lot, meditating, watching the golden girls (my favorite little guilty pleasure, ha), and enjoying quiet times with easy child. My dog has even calmed down - so funny, because I read someone else's post about their dog doing the same thing when difficult child was out of the house. I guess they really do pick up on our anxieties.

    Thank you all so much for your encouragement, I honestly do not think I couldn't gotten through this ordeal, having the strength to follow-through and KNOW I've done the right thing, without you all. What a blessing to have other mothers, spread out all over the country, that have this common bond.

    I know we have a long way to go, ongoing journeys. But I'm feeling better about the decision. And letting go of the guilt and what if's and regrets, etc. that have always consumed me.

    TryAGain - I feel your pain! I just read your thread on your difficult child wanting to move back home. Everyone's comments are spot on. This is the same advice given to me, and we all know that's what we need to do. Hold our ground. It's the best thing, not only for us, but for our difficult child's. They have made their choices and only they have the power to change the direction of their lives. We have done all we can do! My son was never diagnosed as bi-polar, but of course, he only saw a couple of therapists and I know that he probably never truly opened up to them. So he would always just get the "major depressive disorder" diagnosis and we would go with that. That crazy look in his eyes did scare me though, I had never seen it. Nor the violent tantrum he had and the in-my-face profanity. I will never know if drugs were involved that day, but whatever it was, it was the last straw. We can't let them take away our right to live in a peaceful home. I don't know if you have other smaller children in the home, but i have a 10hr easy child and he has had to endure all this along with me. And he deserves to have better. He's my #1 motivation to stick with this. It's so sad that when I go and take a shower, I have to remind him not to open or go to the door if someone knocks. But he's so smart, he understands. I was in the shower last night and I could faintly hear my dog barking (we keep her in the house), and she only does that when someone is very near or at our front door. I freaked out and thought maybe it was difficult child trying to get in, so I jumped out of the shower, shampoo still in hair and getting in my eyes to open the door and yell out if all was okay. He said "Yes mom, he's not here". He knew why I was freaking out. Sad. But that's how it is right now.

    Stay strong! And I can't thank everyone enough for the support. It eases my broken heart and gives me strength.

    Hugs!
     
  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Our son would become so angry every time we had difficult child daughter back. Back from treatment, back from the bad crowd she ran off to, back from treatment, again. It is scary to understand how much the smaller kids do know...because then we get how powerless they must have felt while the worst of it was happening all around them.

    I liked that you described your difficult child as "blind to his own amazingness."

    Thank you for posting. I always wonder how things are, how the parents are doing. You sound strong and steady. It's hard, I know.

    Cedar
     
  19. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Thank you Scent! Yes, it's easy child's time for love and attention. I have a new focus. I always appreciate your feedback and support. It always makes so much "scents". ha ;)
     
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Your story about your easy child while you were in the shower is really difficult to read and so spot on as to how so many of us have lived. I think that if I were in your shoes I might consider sharing that with my parents.

    You are doing the right thing, not just for you, but so obviously for your easy child. It's the right thing for you difficult child as well. He gets to grow up now. It's going to come at him fast and furious.
     
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