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Parent Emeritus
I finally put my foot down. still in shock.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 696011" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SWOT, there comes a time with dysfunctional and codependent situations that it all comes to a head, and we can start to see that we aren't good for them, and they aren't good for us. Especially them and especially us.</p><p></p><p>BECAUSE we are their mom and they are our son. husband always says that moms and sons are a unique combination, the toughest nut to crack, in terms of codependent relationships.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, dear SWOT....you already know all of this. You just haven't applied what you already know to your relationship with your son. Now you are starting to do this.</p><p></p><p>It's the same thing you have already learned. Letting him go to deal with his own problems and with himself most of all will be the best gift you ever gave to him. And that doesn't have to mean a complete breaking off of the relationship, and it doesn't have to mean being unkind or mean or anything like that.</p><p></p><p>Step way way way back. You can start by creating a few "rules" for yourself. I'll answer every fourth call (or whatever the number is). I'll let three days to by until I answer a text or call. Setting physical boundaries is a great first step with a situation like this. It gives both of you a breather, and he can start to learn how to navigate all of this on his own, by himself, because...you just aren't available.</p><p></p><p>When you do talk, you can write a script to read from with things like this:</p><p></p><p>I know, honey.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry.</p><p></p><p>I know you will figure it out. I have faith in you.</p><p></p><p>Yes that is hard (unfair, frustrating...whatever the adjective is).</p><p></p><p>If he doesn't like those responses, SWOT, you can say, oh, Honey, somebody's at the door, gotta go. Love you and I'll talk to you in a few days.</p><p></p><p>SWOT...I had to actually write all of the above down on a piece of paper...and I had to read it into the phone for a while because I could not trust myself NOT to engage with him...because I had done it for so very long.</p><p></p><p>You are moving toward this. This can be a pathway to change. Hang in there. We're here for you. Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 696011, member: 17542"] SWOT, there comes a time with dysfunctional and codependent situations that it all comes to a head, and we can start to see that we aren't good for them, and they aren't good for us. Especially them and especially us. BECAUSE we are their mom and they are our son. husband always says that moms and sons are a unique combination, the toughest nut to crack, in terms of codependent relationships. SWOT, dear SWOT....you already know all of this. You just haven't applied what you already know to your relationship with your son. Now you are starting to do this. It's the same thing you have already learned. Letting him go to deal with his own problems and with himself most of all will be the best gift you ever gave to him. And that doesn't have to mean a complete breaking off of the relationship, and it doesn't have to mean being unkind or mean or anything like that. Step way way way back. You can start by creating a few "rules" for yourself. I'll answer every fourth call (or whatever the number is). I'll let three days to by until I answer a text or call. Setting physical boundaries is a great first step with a situation like this. It gives both of you a breather, and he can start to learn how to navigate all of this on his own, by himself, because...you just aren't available. When you do talk, you can write a script to read from with things like this: I know, honey. I'm sorry. I know you will figure it out. I have faith in you. Yes that is hard (unfair, frustrating...whatever the adjective is). If he doesn't like those responses, SWOT, you can say, oh, Honey, somebody's at the door, gotta go. Love you and I'll talk to you in a few days. SWOT...I had to actually write all of the above down on a piece of paper...and I had to read it into the phone for a while because I could not trust myself NOT to engage with him...because I had done it for so very long. You are moving toward this. This can be a pathway to change. Hang in there. We're here for you. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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I finally put my foot down. still in shock.
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