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I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
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<blockquote data-quote="Fifi_1123" data-source="post: 760740" data-attributes="member: 27897"><p>Copa,</p><p></p><p>thank you from the bottom of my heart for answering. </p><p>I have read and reread your responses thanks for breaking them down. Felt I was rambling a bit. </p><p>I wholeheartedly agree with your very wise words. </p><p>these are things I know. It’s just a sad part of reality that we as parents have to accept that we didn’t get our children to a shining sorority with glistening grades and all smoothed down hair!! I see that it is my own ideals for her that I am struggling with the loss of. I am a huge advocate for autonomy. And that is a likely reason for some of where we have landed. But my head is no longer In the sand (didn’t even know I was in the desert truly) I’m not normally the one ignoring the obvious. I’m the one who talks about the elephant in the room. I’m normally the advisor and take charge person and I can see where this may have overshadowed her somewhat in my listening to her needs. Not to say that her behavior is anywhere near acceptable. </p><p>I am trying to come up with a mutually acceptable agreement that keeps her safe but doesn’t use me or my funds or my liability to get her where she needs to be.</p><p></p><p>so with that being said, know I am grateful for yours and everyone’s else’s input here. </p><p>Finding that balance will be the key. </p><p>I don’t want an estranged strained relationship with her but I have to understand that she may see me as her only problem and that’s on her. I can only wish I had parents like me. Hahaha. There through it all. Maybe that’s my compensatory behavior kicking in. Be there for her to make sure she didn’t suffer the loss of parental guidance like I did?? </p><p>Maybe everyone else in her life has not stepped up, I see this and I am stepping up for them too. To cover my own hurts from those same type abandonment issues and make up for it so she doesn’t suffer. </p><p>it’s amazing what five days of introspection and some clarity can bring. I’m normally a rational minded fully functioning healthy adult parent. I do see my part and how I can make things better (and still not caving in) and not so controlling sounding. As it wasn’t from that base I was coming from. I was coming from the position of having to hold my ground. And I am weary of that. So it took me finally getting to the point of being done with the abuse. I’m not a ninny nor a doormat and I am pretty headstrong and brave in personality. So do not like the parent I had become. I was not in control. </p><p>I am in control of my home. I am I control of my vehicles. She won’t be in my vehicles driving any further. Won’t budge on that. Tomorrow starts a new day. A first for college for her and a first for me. Empty nest. I’m filling it full. </p><p>I Am in control of where I go from here and won’t be swayed by my compassion empathy and love for my child to continue to enable her to keep being so callously rude and ugly acting. </p><p></p><p>Sad that when I contacted her father he wanted her back in my home full time and he won’t allow her one of his three vehicles that are running. </p><p>he’s good at saying what needs to be done but not at stepping in and being that parent that I doubled for over the years. </p><p>Hindsight is getting clearer every day. This is helping my inner self to feel so much better. </p><p>it’s amazing the weight that allowing this to continue for so long has placed in my heart and soul. I’ve known it was the wrong behavior for a long time in my part. But I do understand I was really trying To get her to see her actions and what would happen. I am fully aware that she will</p><p>Or won’t. And that that is NOT on my soul. It’s in HERS. And that’s okay too.</p><p>Best to you Copa and many thanks to everyone else.</p><p>Thank you for putting into this forum what we know as parents. Thank you for helping us see these things and helping us get back on track. It was exceedingly hard to open up out here like this and I am very thankful that I did and</p><p>For everyone here.</p><p>My best to all. </p><p></p><p>Fi </p><p></p><p>side note. I’m flying the coop and headed to the islands. Short term assignments. </p><p>might even sell the home in this wild real estate market. I’m feeling this will be best case scenario. I sell off what I don’t need and then there no way I get tangled up in the continued saga of the daughters angst.</p><p>How’s that for filing the empty nest??</p><p>That sounds like running away but it’s not. It’s serving my wants and needs. I work and make my living and travel too!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fifi_1123, post: 760740, member: 27897"] Copa, thank you from the bottom of my heart for answering. I have read and reread your responses thanks for breaking them down. Felt I was rambling a bit. I wholeheartedly agree with your very wise words. these are things I know. It’s just a sad part of reality that we as parents have to accept that we didn’t get our children to a shining sorority with glistening grades and all smoothed down hair!! I see that it is my own ideals for her that I am struggling with the loss of. I am a huge advocate for autonomy. And that is a likely reason for some of where we have landed. But my head is no longer In the sand (didn’t even know I was in the desert truly) I’m not normally the one ignoring the obvious. I’m the one who talks about the elephant in the room. I’m normally the advisor and take charge person and I can see where this may have overshadowed her somewhat in my listening to her needs. Not to say that her behavior is anywhere near acceptable. I am trying to come up with a mutually acceptable agreement that keeps her safe but doesn’t use me or my funds or my liability to get her where she needs to be. so with that being said, know I am grateful for yours and everyone’s else’s input here. Finding that balance will be the key. I don’t want an estranged strained relationship with her but I have to understand that she may see me as her only problem and that’s on her. I can only wish I had parents like me. Hahaha. There through it all. Maybe that’s my compensatory behavior kicking in. Be there for her to make sure she didn’t suffer the loss of parental guidance like I did?? Maybe everyone else in her life has not stepped up, I see this and I am stepping up for them too. To cover my own hurts from those same type abandonment issues and make up for it so she doesn’t suffer. it’s amazing what five days of introspection and some clarity can bring. I’m normally a rational minded fully functioning healthy adult parent. I do see my part and how I can make things better (and still not caving in) and not so controlling sounding. As it wasn’t from that base I was coming from. I was coming from the position of having to hold my ground. And I am weary of that. So it took me finally getting to the point of being done with the abuse. I’m not a ninny nor a doormat and I am pretty headstrong and brave in personality. So do not like the parent I had become. I was not in control. I am in control of my home. I am I control of my vehicles. She won’t be in my vehicles driving any further. Won’t budge on that. Tomorrow starts a new day. A first for college for her and a first for me. Empty nest. I’m filling it full. I Am in control of where I go from here and won’t be swayed by my compassion empathy and love for my child to continue to enable her to keep being so callously rude and ugly acting. Sad that when I contacted her father he wanted her back in my home full time and he won’t allow her one of his three vehicles that are running. he’s good at saying what needs to be done but not at stepping in and being that parent that I doubled for over the years. Hindsight is getting clearer every day. This is helping my inner self to feel so much better. it’s amazing the weight that allowing this to continue for so long has placed in my heart and soul. I’ve known it was the wrong behavior for a long time in my part. But I do understand I was really trying To get her to see her actions and what would happen. I am fully aware that she will Or won’t. And that that is NOT on my soul. It’s in HERS. And that’s okay too. Best to you Copa and many thanks to everyone else. Thank you for putting into this forum what we know as parents. Thank you for helping us see these things and helping us get back on track. It was exceedingly hard to open up out here like this and I am very thankful that I did and For everyone here. My best to all. Fi side note. I’m flying the coop and headed to the islands. Short term assignments. might even sell the home in this wild real estate market. I’m feeling this will be best case scenario. I sell off what I don’t need and then there no way I get tangled up in the continued saga of the daughters angst. How’s that for filing the empty nest?? That sounds like running away but it’s not. It’s serving my wants and needs. I work and make my living and travel too!! [/QUOTE]
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