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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 263218" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Andy, your difficult child is 3 years behind difficult child 3. We've been fighting this one for a long time. Two years ago while on holiday in New Zealand, was a steep learning curve for all of us with this, difficult child 3 especially. I've written about this before - difficult child 3 didn't want to go to such a volcanically active place because he was scared we would all be killed.</p><p></p><p>You've found what we have learned - when you got angry and impatient with difficult child, it only ramped up the problems for him. Yes, it shocks him when you say, "Go and get it over and done with," and to acertain extent he needs to see that even though HE is anxious about something, YOU are not so perhaps (over time especially) he can learn that if you are OK with things, then maybe he is safer than he feels he is.</p><p></p><p>But you need to work on this. Yes, be no-nonsense at times but follow it through with reassurance. Not easy when you feel burnt out. For example, you told him, "Go ahead and close your eyes then," but you could have also held him close (if he is a cuddler) and thenafterwards said to him, "Well? You closed your eyes, and you were OK. How did it feel, when you knew that your fears weren't going to happen?" and finish with a reminder that YOU knew he would be OK, and he was. And you want him to be safe, you love him and care about him you won't want him to do anything that is anywhere near as dangerous as he feels things really are.</p><p></p><p>Every fear faced and overcome, strengthens us. That is the lesson we learned in New Zealand. The day we went to Rotarua and we simply couldn't avoid the fact that it Is a volcanically active arfea - difficult child 3 was white as a sheet, felt the strong imending dread and was saying to us all, "I'm going to die. I'm really sick, I want to go back to our unit. I'm sick. I'm dying."</p><p>I told him,"You're OK< it's just your anxiety."</p><p>He said, "No, this is much more thna anxiety. I wouldn't feel so terribly sick, if this is just anxiety."</p><p>I kept saying, Son - anxiety can be reallly, really severe. And in you, it is. But remember - you are not dying, you will be OK, we will finish here soon and go back to our unit. We are all OK. Look around you - see how many peole are here? Ask at the front desk of this park - they will tell you how many people visit here each year. And none of them die because they've been here."</p><p>I also got impatient with him but I just kept reassuring him and mostly ignoring him. We certainly didn't grab him and leave - our only chance to visit Rotarua!??! I wasn't going to shorten THAT trip!</p><p></p><p>A couple of days later we visited the Volcano Centre just out of Taupo where we were staying. It was time for difficult child 3 to do something educational, something for school. We only had about an hour there so we had to put it to good use. easy child & BF1 were going for a jet boat ride on the Waikato River (midwinter - brr!) and no way would I put myself or difficult child 3 through THAT!</p><p></p><p>So we learned about the area. KNowledge is power. Then difficult child 3 discovered that, contrary to what I had told him (and believed myself) Rotarua was NOT the most active aprt of NZ's North Island - Taupo was, right where we were staying! The look I got from difficult child 3 was priceless - he had been looking out the window of our unit with me, to where the steam was rising from the edge of the lake 100 metres away, and listening to me saying how safe it is - and the entire lake is a huge volcanic caldera! oops.</p><p></p><p>But then I said, "We've been there for a week - have you felt unsafe? No? So although this area is MORE active than where we live, it still is very safe. Look at this wonderful information centre - New Zealand has the world's best scientists on vulcanism, the best in the world come here to learn. if any country is safe, it will be the ones where they really NEED to know what is likely to happen, as soon as possible."</p><p>The entire centre was focussed on information and knowledge, as well as advance warning systems. difficult child 3 spent the last part of our time there, studying the live action siesmographs. As he watched there was an earthquake happening on White Island, about 3 on the Richter Scale. He saw the other seisomograph centres near White Island also register the quake, but with a much lower amplitude. And the station's seismograph where we were barely registered at all. I said to difficult child 3, "Did we feel anything at all? No? And yet look at these traces, they're always registering a low level of vibration. And from what you know of plate tectonics, when the plates are constantly slipping, the chances of a big quake are greatly reduced. It's when the plates get stuck and don't move for a while, and then let go suddnely that you get the big quakes."</p><p></p><p>KNowledge is power.</p><p></p><p>We left the centre minutes later and went for a QUIET boat ride on the Waikato River. We watched the incredible torrent of the Huka Falls and twice went past the Huka Prawn Park and the associated geothermal station, where we took photos and explained it all to difficult child 3, who was taking notes for his school report. Again, knowledge. From there we went to Craters of the Moon, a lot like Rotarua only it was nerby and again, further proof that the Taupo region is indeed extremely volcanically active. difficult child 3 was still nervous but not complaining so much of feeling sick as he had been at Rotarua. We went back to the Prawn Park for lunch and he certainly ate well enough there.</p><p></p><p>KNowledge is power. Power over your own fears. But it is like running hurdles. If you're nervous, your legs stiffen up and you can't get over the hurdles. You hit them and they fall down. You're afraid of the pain of missing and falling over the hurdles but the reality isn't so bad. So next time - you finally can sgtride high enough to get over the hurdle, and you did it! To get there took experience, it took the knowledge that you would be OK and then it took courage to try again.</p><p></p><p>All of this needs reassurance. The more anxious your child is, the worse the symptoms. When we scold or get impatient, that can often only highlight the anxiety.</p><p></p><p>Similarly, if we pander to it too much and allow them to give way to their fears too much, we allow the fears to remain unfaced and thereby to continue.</p><p></p><p>balance is the key.</p><p></p><p>And sometimes when we're tired or burnt out, we lose our sense of balance. Humour is also needed. Humour defuses tense situations and returns us to balance.</p><p></p><p>Andy, hang in there. Use your wisdom and knowledge and refresh yourself with your humour.</p><p></p><p>Love the boy. He'll make it. he just needs more time, and the chance to experience the other side of his fears - the happy reality of survival.</p><p></p><p>Reduce his anxietywhere you can but always use a little bit of his fear to challenge him and help him learn to face it and survive. School can't be avoided - maybe church can be reduced for him for a while, at least. It's what we have had to do at times. Now when difficult child 3 asks to go to church, we know it's because he truly wants to go. Even if it's for a secular reason!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 263218, member: 1991"] Andy, your difficult child is 3 years behind difficult child 3. We've been fighting this one for a long time. Two years ago while on holiday in New Zealand, was a steep learning curve for all of us with this, difficult child 3 especially. I've written about this before - difficult child 3 didn't want to go to such a volcanically active place because he was scared we would all be killed. You've found what we have learned - when you got angry and impatient with difficult child, it only ramped up the problems for him. Yes, it shocks him when you say, "Go and get it over and done with," and to acertain extent he needs to see that even though HE is anxious about something, YOU are not so perhaps (over time especially) he can learn that if you are OK with things, then maybe he is safer than he feels he is. But you need to work on this. Yes, be no-nonsense at times but follow it through with reassurance. Not easy when you feel burnt out. For example, you told him, "Go ahead and close your eyes then," but you could have also held him close (if he is a cuddler) and thenafterwards said to him, "Well? You closed your eyes, and you were OK. How did it feel, when you knew that your fears weren't going to happen?" and finish with a reminder that YOU knew he would be OK, and he was. And you want him to be safe, you love him and care about him you won't want him to do anything that is anywhere near as dangerous as he feels things really are. Every fear faced and overcome, strengthens us. That is the lesson we learned in New Zealand. The day we went to Rotarua and we simply couldn't avoid the fact that it Is a volcanically active arfea - difficult child 3 was white as a sheet, felt the strong imending dread and was saying to us all, "I'm going to die. I'm really sick, I want to go back to our unit. I'm sick. I'm dying." I told him,"You're OK< it's just your anxiety." He said, "No, this is much more thna anxiety. I wouldn't feel so terribly sick, if this is just anxiety." I kept saying, Son - anxiety can be reallly, really severe. And in you, it is. But remember - you are not dying, you will be OK, we will finish here soon and go back to our unit. We are all OK. Look around you - see how many peole are here? Ask at the front desk of this park - they will tell you how many people visit here each year. And none of them die because they've been here." I also got impatient with him but I just kept reassuring him and mostly ignoring him. We certainly didn't grab him and leave - our only chance to visit Rotarua!??! I wasn't going to shorten THAT trip! A couple of days later we visited the Volcano Centre just out of Taupo where we were staying. It was time for difficult child 3 to do something educational, something for school. We only had about an hour there so we had to put it to good use. easy child & BF1 were going for a jet boat ride on the Waikato River (midwinter - brr!) and no way would I put myself or difficult child 3 through THAT! So we learned about the area. KNowledge is power. Then difficult child 3 discovered that, contrary to what I had told him (and believed myself) Rotarua was NOT the most active aprt of NZ's North Island - Taupo was, right where we were staying! The look I got from difficult child 3 was priceless - he had been looking out the window of our unit with me, to where the steam was rising from the edge of the lake 100 metres away, and listening to me saying how safe it is - and the entire lake is a huge volcanic caldera! oops. But then I said, "We've been there for a week - have you felt unsafe? No? So although this area is MORE active than where we live, it still is very safe. Look at this wonderful information centre - New Zealand has the world's best scientists on vulcanism, the best in the world come here to learn. if any country is safe, it will be the ones where they really NEED to know what is likely to happen, as soon as possible." The entire centre was focussed on information and knowledge, as well as advance warning systems. difficult child 3 spent the last part of our time there, studying the live action siesmographs. As he watched there was an earthquake happening on White Island, about 3 on the Richter Scale. He saw the other seisomograph centres near White Island also register the quake, but with a much lower amplitude. And the station's seismograph where we were barely registered at all. I said to difficult child 3, "Did we feel anything at all? No? And yet look at these traces, they're always registering a low level of vibration. And from what you know of plate tectonics, when the plates are constantly slipping, the chances of a big quake are greatly reduced. It's when the plates get stuck and don't move for a while, and then let go suddnely that you get the big quakes." KNowledge is power. We left the centre minutes later and went for a QUIET boat ride on the Waikato River. We watched the incredible torrent of the Huka Falls and twice went past the Huka Prawn Park and the associated geothermal station, where we took photos and explained it all to difficult child 3, who was taking notes for his school report. Again, knowledge. From there we went to Craters of the Moon, a lot like Rotarua only it was nerby and again, further proof that the Taupo region is indeed extremely volcanically active. difficult child 3 was still nervous but not complaining so much of feeling sick as he had been at Rotarua. We went back to the Prawn Park for lunch and he certainly ate well enough there. KNowledge is power. Power over your own fears. But it is like running hurdles. If you're nervous, your legs stiffen up and you can't get over the hurdles. You hit them and they fall down. You're afraid of the pain of missing and falling over the hurdles but the reality isn't so bad. So next time - you finally can sgtride high enough to get over the hurdle, and you did it! To get there took experience, it took the knowledge that you would be OK and then it took courage to try again. All of this needs reassurance. The more anxious your child is, the worse the symptoms. When we scold or get impatient, that can often only highlight the anxiety. Similarly, if we pander to it too much and allow them to give way to their fears too much, we allow the fears to remain unfaced and thereby to continue. balance is the key. And sometimes when we're tired or burnt out, we lose our sense of balance. Humour is also needed. Humour defuses tense situations and returns us to balance. Andy, hang in there. Use your wisdom and knowledge and refresh yourself with your humour. Love the boy. He'll make it. he just needs more time, and the chance to experience the other side of his fears - the happy reality of survival. Reduce his anxietywhere you can but always use a little bit of his fear to challenge him and help him learn to face it and survive. School can't be avoided - maybe church can be reduced for him for a while, at least. It's what we have had to do at times. Now when difficult child 3 asks to go to church, we know it's because he truly wants to go. Even if it's for a secular reason! Marg [/QUOTE]
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