I give up. It hurts too much to hope.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son voluntarily entered emergency treatment in a big city a few hours from me. He told me he was sick and tired of living as he had been, marginally and mistreated. From there he entered a two week program and told me in our last call that he was going to enter a 3 month program that followed. My son is mentally ill.

    I was hopeful.

    Against my better judgment I called him an hour or so ago.

    He was bummed. He said he could not go to the 3 month program because his Medical Coverage was in another County.

    Transfer it why don't you?

    He said he could not. I do not believe him.

    He said he was coming back here to my town where he hates it. He lives marginally here and is exploited, going from place to place sleeping on couches, paying huge amounts of his SSI check to be treated like an animal.

    Stupidly, I asked if he had plans to see his Hepatologist. October he said. What about your blood work? Can you do that?

    He needs an antiviral drug he takes because he has Hepatitis B which he acquired at birth. He has stopped and started and stopped again, believing he can control the virus with OTC dietary supplements.

    The phone connection crackled. I could barely hear what ever rationale he was giving to not see his physician and get blood work to see the state of his liver. Nor could I stand my pain.

    Whatever, you'll figure it out. You know what's best. Bye.

    I am absolutely sick at heart. I just want to die. I have no hope for my life or myself if my son will not do better. I have never experienced failure like this. I am totally despondent.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Copa.

    If a farmer takes good care of his soil, uses appropriate equipment and fertilizers, and sows quality seed... and get a crop failure due to no rain, would you blame the farmer? Or do you blame the weather?

    You parented as best you knew how. You didn't sow a toxic relationship. There are other factors at play here. It isn't FAIR. But that doesn't mean you are at fault.

    Yes you have hope of being able to move on - whether he does or not. It's a long hard road to get there, but yes, YOU CAN.
     
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  3. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    You are NOT a failure. You did the best you could. His problems aren't your fault. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand, he said he was going into treatment, & this brought you hope. Then when he didn't, you are devastated. Like you said, he will do whatever he feels best no matter what you do. He can turn his life around, he just has to be the one who decides to do it. You can move forward with your life, one step at a time.
     
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Copa, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. What you are feeling right now will pass. There are these types of episodes that stop us in our tracks, they suck all the oxygen out of the room, we are left feeling depleted and hopeless, but it is temporary.

    Try and find something that will center you, a poem, a painting, a song, something you can focus on.

    Keep reminding yourself that you have no control over what your son chooses to do or not to do. You only have control over you.

    Most of all, know that you did not fail. We cannot love our D C's problems away, if we could there would be no need for this site.

    Feel the strength of all of us here surrounding you, we are holding you up.

    :group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug:
     
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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Copa. I know very well that cycle of getting hope up only to see it come crashing down again. I don't want to hijack your thread, so I will just say that I am going through something similar with my own Difficult Child tonight. It seems our difficult children sense their options might be improving and they deliberately mess things up!

    I think we are ALL scared of change, but when D C's live on the edge the way they do, ANY change is usually an improvement -- and they still run in the other direction. They would rather go back to something that was surefire miserable.

    I do not believe him either. I think he was feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on you.

    Why, Copa? Why is your sense of self, even your very life, tied into the actions of something you have no control over? You might as well say you have no hope if the sun doesn't rise in the west tomorrow. You don't control the actions of others any more than you control the actions of the planets, no matter how much you care.

    This is the only answer, Copa. The harder you try to convince him otherwise, the deeper he's going to dig in. You were very wise, I think, to take all of those arguments off the table. We can't DO or even TRY for another. We can offer only advice and information, faith and love. And you gave him all of those things.
     
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He called and said that he was trying to get an apartment with a fellow resident. I think that is the real reason that he does not want to go to the 3 month residential treatment program.

    Who knows why he came up with the song and dance about returning to live in my town.

    Son: I need to ask you a favor. There is the possibility of a room, but the lady is probably going to want money up front. Could you front me $250.00 just to the first of the month?

    Me: No. I will not front you money. First, it is the middle of the month. Where is the rest of your SSI?

    Of course you have the opportunity to choose treatment, an option that would not require additional funds.

    You are choosing another option. Of course, you are free to do so. That said, you fund it, I will not.

    Furthermore, I am letting you know that I will be calling Social Security. I will tell them that I believe you require a payee.

    If you would, please let me know where you are when you get settled. I love you. Bye.

    We had gone together earlier in the year to Social Security and he requested that I be his payee. Social Security refused and said that they preferred that recipients manage their own money.

    I know that I can call Social Security and let them know that he has not been able to manage his money sufficiently to have food for the whole month or suitable housing.

    If they balk again I will go to my Congressperson and Senator.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The piece of this which is impossible to bear is his health.

    He needs antiviral medication for Hep B. He thinks he can protect his liver sufficiently with Omega 3 or whatever it is called. I do not want him to die.

    He will not take his medicine. He won't go for his blood work. I do not want him to die.

    If I type I do not want him to die a hundred times more will it help?
     
  8. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I'm so sorry Copa. I see situations with patients who refuse treatment a lot, & how devastating it is to those who love them. You absolutely should call Social Security. He obviously is not capable of managing his money. Once you are designated his payee, you will have a lot more control over him getting his blood tests & antiviral medication.
     
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  9. Natsom

    Natsom Member

    Oh Copa, my heart goes out to you. You know more than anyone that you need to let go. You can't do it for him. I can tell from your posts that you are a great Mom and you're a wonderful person. You deserve a life for yourself. Take care of yourself. Let go. This to shall pass.
     
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  10. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    I'm sad for your heart Copa. I'm so glad you're here. You help so many people on here with your words of wisdom. You're valuable and needed. I totally understand your complete and utter desperation. Hugs and prayers for you right now.
     
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  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Copa, I'm so very sorry to hear that things have, once again, derailed. I know that you had hoped the most recent check-in would be a turning point. I'm sure you are so worried about his health. But you cannot control this. You cannot force him to change and you cannot make his decisions.

    I pray that your taking over his SSI payments will make some impact on his ability to live without being taken advantage of. Perhaps even get him some housing and other assistance. But regardless, you must understand that your live will go on. You will love him and you will hurt for him, but you will go on.

    I wish I could make things better. I can't. But I can remind you of something you said to me, just a few days ago.

    You've helped me so much, with your wisdom and empathy. Know that I'm thinking of you and surrounding you with good thoughts and prayers.
     
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  12. allusedup

    allusedup Member

    Dear Copa I am so sorry you are in pain. This worry we all share is the worst kind of heart break. I think you are right to call Social Security. Like you, I think it will give you some pull to get him to comply medically and hopefully keep him housed and fed. Focus on that for now. It will give you something positive to focus on and hopefully take your mind off (somewhat) of the things you have no control of. I will keep you both in my prayers. Like you tell all of us, be good to you:)
     
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  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly, Copa.
    When our Difficult Child first moved out on her own, the first few years were insane. As I just posted on a diff. thread: mental illness + impulsivity + mood swings = poor decisions/big problems. I was constantly worried about her safety. And she had some very rough years. Lived in some very rough neighborhoods. And not too long ago, she was assaulted in public and this, in part, was due to her decision to associate with someone who had actually hurt her once before. I see your situation with your son is extreme. When things were very bad with our Difficult Child, I visited a therapist and she in a frightened little voice told me that I would have to accept that something could happen to my Difficult Child. I was flabbergasted. I thought parents did everything under the sun to keep that for happening and it wasn't something you just "accept." But, I've come to understand that there is only so much I can do for my adult Difficult Child. I have wasted my time and energy being angry at my Higher Power for allowing this unthinkable, illogical thing to even happen. I've even expected an explanation and none has been forthcoming. It is humbling to the extreme. And like I said before, it brought me to my knees. I do what I can for my adult Difficult Child and leave the rest to my Higher Power and accept what I don't wish to accept. It is what it is. And since my health is somewhat fragile, I understand that I can not do what should not be done...and that is the impossible. On the positive side, in certain ways, our Difficult Child has shown some improvement in recent years.
    I hope you can be assigned as designated payee. I also hope you can release this extreme painful anxiety. Blessings.
     
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  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Copa. I hear you. That just cuts to the core. I am so sorry. {{hugs}}
     
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  15. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    What they said. I have no words, but I will read and wish the best for you.
     
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  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    This blows big time. I pray that you find some peace in the midst of this.
     
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  17. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Cops
    Copa I feel your despair and wish I had wise words. Other than reiterating what many of the others have said. You are a good Mum you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. His past behaviour has shown you this. This is a very hard lesson for us mums to learn. We have no control over our adult children they make their own choices as we stand by helpless. Try to do something for yourself today even if its a walk in a pretty park. I know how easy it is to sit by the phone in desperation. Thinking of you.x
     
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  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Copa, I so understand your intense fear and despair for your son. Watching someone self-destruct is simply terrible. There is no other way to put it.

    I also very much understand because my son did many incredibly stupid things and he is still very careless with his own health and well-being.

    I don't understand that, but I don't think they value and love themselves like people must in order to have full, happy lives.

    They live with the tyranny of invincibility and we, from our vantage points, know how easily life can be gone, and it terrifies us. How can we live in a world without them?

    I write these bald-faced statements, because I know that is what you are thinking because that is what I thought, too, in the dark night of the soul. We love them so much.

    Copa, as everyone has said, and what you already know, there is not anything you can truly do to "save him." Yes, you can manage his money (not sure if that is a good idea or not...for YOU) but you still can't "be him" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is what it would take to make 100 percent sure he is doing the right things for himself.

    We aren't them. That took me a long, long time to get. To see ourselves as two separate human beings. I believe we have to get there, in seeing that clearly, before we can more fully separate from them and their actions.

    Please do the things we have talked about on this forum---read the books, write, get therapy and professional help, walk, sit in the sunshine, buy flowers for the kitchen table, sit in silence, pray---use tools like these every single day for 30 minutes to an hour. It sounds kind of simple, right, flowers for the kitchen table? But this is the stuff of self-care. Being good to us. Self-love. That is what they don't do, and that is what we don't do, because every cell in us is yearning toward them, instead of ourselves.

    I know you know much of this already, Copa, but it's really hard to see ourselves clearly and do the things we would tell other people to do.

    We're here with you for the duration. It's not about perfection, for us or for them. It's about progress. Just doing one thing differently today, and then tomorrow and the next day.

    This needs to be about YOU. You.
     
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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cop a...please see an attorney. Guardianship and payees are legal matters and you go to court not social security. It is a process.

    Hugs. Will try to get on lo her later. You are not your son. He needs a guardian or his life will be in danger. That is a good reason to request guardianship. The hepatitis. Call an attorney who does guardianship. I have this over my son sonic. Hugs. Later.
     
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  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Copa,

    my son has hep C, which he certainly got from living on the street, doing drugs, having unprotected sex with other street dwellers..from his choices.

    he had a scrip and had his antivirals paid for.

    Hep C can actually be cured now if treated early.

    He doesn't take his medications. He says he feels fine and thought he would wait till he had some symptoms.

    Copa, by the time some one has symptoms from liver failure it is too late.

    I told him that, but it fell on deaf ears.

    A cure in reach and he won't take it.

    IF he could be saved by my love and tears and heartache and effort...he would have been saved long ago.

    The same is true for your son, Copa.

    People die from carelessness, bad luck, illness, genetics, violence, accidents...all the time. Our sons will die at some point too, before us, or after us. There is nothing to be done about that. It goes back to the four sufferings. We must accept that we will grow old, become ill, lose people we love, die.

    If we can stop struggling against these inexorable truths we can save our struggles for things we can impact, and be more at peace.

    Try to let it go, Copa. You can't change his choices. He may do so...but you can't.

    hugs and more hugs today. I do understand.

    Echo
     
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