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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687754" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think our kids are still in the have cake and eat it too stage. While they do get, our house, our rules in the abstract, I do not think it enters into their operating system.</p><p>M, my SO, first, had the idea that we buy a house for my son eventually to live in part--an apartment over garage. But he is the one who is dealing most with my son day to day. And he is fried. Tired of the lying. Tired of the mess. Tired of the laziness. The resistance.</p><p></p><p>M was the one with the concept--I resisted. Now our roles are switched. I am so hopeful. I am able to feel love for my son, and show it, without being afraid or being hurt, for the first time in years.</p><p>Tanya. There was another disaster about enrolling in a college course. (The first one was a year ago, when I insisted he enroll in order. Again I made the same mistake.)</p><p></p><p>He assured me that everything was going fine. Just hunky dory. Until, I insisted I look online. Nothing was fine. No assignments turned in. An 8 page paper due in a couple of days. And I looked at the first week's discussion (online) where he had introduced himself. It was a course something like French History. So he introduced himself as French (untrue). As speaking French *true only in a limited way. As having just toured France (never.) How he remembered fondly the river xx, the smell of the newly cut fields, and the taste of a certain kind of French cheese that he ate in xx. All untrue.</p><p></p><p>I was livid. Just livid. I felt he was mocking the teacher, the students and me. (In my heart I was afraid because I felt--what kind of psychopathology leads a 27 year old to do such a thing?)</p><p></p><p>I asked him, Why?</p><p></p><p>He answered because he wanted to seem interesting to the teacher and the other students. (Does he not see that the truth of his life is infinitely more interesting than any invented profile?) Not only are we fascinated by Darkwing's story, we admire him immensely.</p><p></p><p>Does not my son understand this about himself? I guess not.</p><p>I do not get it either.</p><p></p><p>M said something to me a few minutes ago. (My son comes here and eats all the butter, cubes and cubes that I keep for baking, the olive oil, and the eggs.)</p><p></p><p>M said--stop buying it. For a month.</p><p></p><p>I think where there are solutions that we can implement to avoid and manage conflict, we should do them. (Except I do not see how I can live without olive oil.)</p><p></p><p>I am loving being able to love my son. Even with the horrible parts, (tour of France, etc.) I am loving being near him. I am loving having hope. I am loving feeling my heart open up. I feel joy. Sometimes I do.</p><p></p><p>In my case I never believed I could or would risk believing that something good could happen between us. I could not believe in hope. I could not tell myself that maybe it was not the worst thing.</p><p></p><p>Yes, lies are bad. But how long can I hold onto that, without having to question myself and my motivations?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687754, member: 18958"] I think our kids are still in the have cake and eat it too stage. While they do get, our house, our rules in the abstract, I do not think it enters into their operating system. M, my SO, first, had the idea that we buy a house for my son eventually to live in part--an apartment over garage. But he is the one who is dealing most with my son day to day. And he is fried. Tired of the lying. Tired of the mess. Tired of the laziness. The resistance. M was the one with the concept--I resisted. Now our roles are switched. I am so hopeful. I am able to feel love for my son, and show it, without being afraid or being hurt, for the first time in years. Tanya. There was another disaster about enrolling in a college course. (The first one was a year ago, when I insisted he enroll in order. Again I made the same mistake.) He assured me that everything was going fine. Just hunky dory. Until, I insisted I look online. Nothing was fine. No assignments turned in. An 8 page paper due in a couple of days. And I looked at the first week's discussion (online) where he had introduced himself. It was a course something like French History. So he introduced himself as French (untrue). As speaking French *true only in a limited way. As having just toured France (never.) How he remembered fondly the river xx, the smell of the newly cut fields, and the taste of a certain kind of French cheese that he ate in xx. All untrue. I was livid. Just livid. I felt he was mocking the teacher, the students and me. (In my heart I was afraid because I felt--what kind of psychopathology leads a 27 year old to do such a thing?) I asked him, Why? He answered because he wanted to seem interesting to the teacher and the other students. (Does he not see that the truth of his life is infinitely more interesting than any invented profile?) Not only are we fascinated by Darkwing's story, we admire him immensely. Does not my son understand this about himself? I guess not. I do not get it either. M said something to me a few minutes ago. (My son comes here and eats all the butter, cubes and cubes that I keep for baking, the olive oil, and the eggs.) M said--stop buying it. For a month. I think where there are solutions that we can implement to avoid and manage conflict, we should do them. (Except I do not see how I can live without olive oil.) I am loving being able to love my son. Even with the horrible parts, (tour of France, etc.) I am loving being near him. I am loving having hope. I am loving feeling my heart open up. I feel joy. Sometimes I do. In my case I never believed I could or would risk believing that something good could happen between us. I could not believe in hope. I could not tell myself that maybe it was not the worst thing. Yes, lies are bad. But how long can I hold onto that, without having to question myself and my motivations? [/QUOTE]
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