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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 687911" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I think it varies from person to person. I think some are capable of learning and changing on their own and make the choice not to, while others do not have that capacity on their own. What I think has to be present in both cases is the want, desire and drive to change, make better choices, live a different life. Until that is present, that ownership of responsibility for their life paths, no amount of guidance changes anything. It is the adage,"You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." Until they thirst for change, it cannot be thrust upon them nor gift wrapped and presented with a shiny red bow. Look how many have all but given their children a new life? Bailed them out? Given food, clothes, housing? Without the need to change that is nothing but enabling. I have a good friend who opened my way of thinking to enabling. We may think we do it for our loved ones but we really do it for ourselves - so we feel better, less guilty, less judged, a better parent, whatever - because when we are truly, truly honest with ourselves, we know we aren't "helping." We sometimes are only reinforcing bad habits, behaviors, and interactions. There is no magic fix all and no way to diagnose the one thing (or multiple things) it would take to get our children on a good path they can remain on. But sometimes it is our denial of that, the denial of just how helpless we are to change another, that makes us embrace the fantasy that we can.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 687911, member: 19905"] I think it varies from person to person. I think some are capable of learning and changing on their own and make the choice not to, while others do not have that capacity on their own. What I think has to be present in both cases is the want, desire and drive to change, make better choices, live a different life. Until that is present, that ownership of responsibility for their life paths, no amount of guidance changes anything. It is the adage,"You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink." Until they thirst for change, it cannot be thrust upon them nor gift wrapped and presented with a shiny red bow. Look how many have all but given their children a new life? Bailed them out? Given food, clothes, housing? Without the need to change that is nothing but enabling. I have a good friend who opened my way of thinking to enabling. We may think we do it for our loved ones but we really do it for ourselves - so we feel better, less guilty, less judged, a better parent, whatever - because when we are truly, truly honest with ourselves, we know we aren't "helping." We sometimes are only reinforcing bad habits, behaviors, and interactions. There is no magic fix all and no way to diagnose the one thing (or multiple things) it would take to get our children on a good path they can remain on. But sometimes it is our denial of that, the denial of just how helpless we are to change another, that makes us embrace the fantasy that we can. [/QUOTE]
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