I hate difficult child right now...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ready2run, Dec 24, 2012.

  1. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    every year something happens to ruin christmas because of difficult child... usually it is the screaming, or the hateful 'i'm going to kill you' stuff. every year he destroys his presents. i have given up on going anywhere, having people over, having a big fun christmas morning unwrapping as a family. i had a plan in place so this year could go smoothly. so today i'm sitting at the table making a card for my parents and my two other boys, 4 and 6 start to casual discuss their experiences of being 'licked' 'kissed' and 'touched' in tickling ways by difficult child. so i'm like "WHAT? who did what to you?" so they tell me that difficult child has been approaching them and getting them to undress and licking their bottoms. husband tells me to 'just get through the holiday and then we will deal with this.' like as if i can do that! how can i do that when i can't even look at him now with out feeling overwhelming anger and disgust. so i talked to everyone individually about touching and my 6 year old tells me that i can't stop him from letting difficult child touch him because he is a good brother and wants to make difficult child happy. now apparently the police think this is normal kids playing doctor stuff and can't do anything because he is underage to get charged and he is with in an acceptable age range so they don't consider it abuse. i feel like this is my fault and i'm not sure if i'm over reacting or not but i feel sick. i knew he's done weird stuff to them before, he used to hump people and show his privates or ask them to see their privates. but it's been a while and i thought he's been making so much progress in everything this year that this was over, so over the last couple months i've been letting him play longer and longer relatively unsupervised(with me being home but not looking directly at him). i made a mistake. ugh. and i put so much work into building a bond with him and trying to trust him. now i feel like i hate him again. so 'big' alarm goes back on the doors and now what? keep raising him and having my kids around him? have him spend the rest of his life in his room? he is already 'different' that is why i have been trying to make sure he gets time with the other kids, hoping he won't grow up to kill me in my sleep or turn into a weirdo. i tried to get my parents to come get him and the don't want anything to do with him. i don't want to have christmas anymore. i want him to leave. maybe i will wake up and this will all just be a nightmare........
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Is he your stepson? Could his mother take him?

    You do need to worry about your boys who now think that this is normal brother behavior. That fact that they spoke about it so casually is chilling. It also means that may chat about it where a mandated reporter hears and then you will have CPS breathing down your neck.

    Help will be hard to find. Here is a thread from 4 years ago about this http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f13/harsh-reality-15596/

    Have an 'emergency plan' in place that either removes you and the other children or husband and this difficult child in case CPS gets involved. Hotel, relative...
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Very upsetting situation for you, I'm sure.

    Ditto JJJ

    Sounds like his dxs may not be entirely correct. This type of behavior in a 7 yr old could be caused by sexual abuse or perhaps a hypersexual symptom of bipolar disorder?
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi I'm so sorry. Many will say this must have happened to him (which could be so have to check.that no one is abusing him.too)....I'm guessing that he doesnt know at his developmental age and with his diagnosis. anything but that it feels good and that he wants what he wants. The sad truth is that some disorders are associated with hypersexuality. It's a huge challenge for many parents of kids with neurobiological disorders. Not many find places to talk about it. Certain brain injuries, and fetal alcohol syndrome are among the riskiest. I've had friends with kids who have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) who act out sexually too. In many forms, in future you'll likely have to monitor internet use very strictly. And he gets no picture messaging cell phones when older most likely too.

    Unfortunately it means now you will probably need to put video surveillance with a portable monitor that you can carry with you. Also use of alarms on doors, hiring PCA's, using line of sight supervision, etc may be needed. All of them will need work to check their feelings and to teach appropriate boundaries without making them feel ashamed. Some of them may "play" with others even without difficult child if they've now learned it's "fun". It's so complex.

    Still, I can imagine your outrage and I'd maybe consider contacting cps myself to ask for help because this will probably be reported if you or your kids talk to any mandated reporter. (Therapists, doctors, teachers) I'm shocked the police didnt call cps and I suppose they may have as mandated reporters. Just my opinion..... others may have better options.

    If you don't have a plan for safety and therapists to help your other kids learn and cope cps may react stronger. One thing that I've had to do many times due to aggressive behaviors is have a line of.sight rule. difficult child is always in your or husband's direct line of sight.

    At his age...and thinking his developmental age is even younger it is true what the police said....partly.....it is developmental. But its not their call to say its normal nor that you can't do anything. Maybe not charges but for sure you can get help. I am not belittling this....trust me.....as a victim of an older child myself. My aunts boys (she is.my age and her boys are more like nephews) had this happen. She called cps herself. Both boys got therapy amd.the.boy who initiated it has received assessments and monitoring. As long as she.cooperated (she wanted.the.help) the little one was not.removed (he was the "victim). For me, I believe that if my mom and dad had not had a good balance between protecting me and yet not making it seem as if the worst thing ever had happened, I'd have felt even more guilt and maybe had issues about that area of life.

    If a specialized therapist who knows how to work with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and FASD can be found who thinks its safe, and who can help you teach him boundaries and/or if you can ask for in home PCA support from the county or your insurance, you might be able to raise him at home. (If you are up to it....it will mean you have to be able to let your anger take a back seat too because we can't be very helpful and supportive of kids when we are furious with them continuously. And you clearly have a right to your anger, just have to be honest with yourself whether you can deal with this appropriately, I'd have a hard time adding all of the other issues he causes personally but people say that about my situation too! )

    It could be with that many kids, that he needs to be somewhere where more intensive focus can be on him--his bio mom? A group home? A residential treatment place? ....... for his sake as well as the sakes of the other kids.
    Totally an opinion here.... This does not seem the same as a purposeful predator..... as we sometimes see here with other disorders (if I'm reading your signature right and have the right child in mind). How much that matters for what you have to do to protect the other kids i dont think is very much. But only you and professionals.who.assess him can really say.that for sure. Its just.my.impression from the signature that he is likely cognitively a child who needs very specific teaching about this and does not understand the social rules or consequences.

    And your other kids may be mixed up about it too...especially if they said "yes" and liked how it felt. That is the hard thing about these situations......I can tell you that personally my perp. was 11 and grew into a very typical family man. Not all cases of this kind of thing are for sure meaning there will be horrible outcomes for either the perp or.the victim. We certainly can't take the risk, right? And he has disabilities that make empathy, learning rules & controlling impulses a challenge, right? So your hands are going to be full. I pray husband steps up and is supportive of you. Try to breathe and keep difficult child in eye sight. (Exactly
    opposite of what you feel like doing) you can get alarms for his door (cps here won't allow locks so be careful and check rules) .

    Wishing you some clarity of mind and support from husband today and as you work through this. Other parents with children who have different histories may chime in. You will get a lot of support. Just remember there are many causes for acting out sexually and treatment and prognosis varies. None of us can know so its vital you all get the professional help you need. To sort.that out.

    Sorry to ramble. I'm on my phone and have been up since one a.m......so please know that as always only take what is useful and toss the rest. I hope I'm reading which child this is correctly.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I don't have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this now. Stay strong.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I have a very rare disagreement with Buddy because I lived with an adopted child, who we loved dearly, who sexually abused my younger kids. Kids don't just suddenly feel like they want to have somebody sexually please them. They do it mostly because it has happened to them and the act traumatized them so they do it to others, but if they act out they are a danger to your other kids and you may not be able to stop him, no matter how diligent you try to be. More could have gone on than you even know. I didn't learn the extent of the abuse this child heaped on my other ones until he was gone and my k ids knew he wasn't coming back. They were terrified of him. If I had not made this child leave, my other two kids (also adopted...this is not against all adopted kids) would have stopped trusting husband and I to keep t hem safe. in my opinion the victims have to come first. Buddy, I respect you more than you will know, but you have no idea if your perp is a typical family man or a sexual predator. Most predators look normal to outsiders. It's just something you can't say for sure. I have one acquaintance whose abuser was a trusted school teacher...nobody believed her when she finally told. And I have another one whose husband's brother raped her with the brother's (her husband's) consent...and she had to bide her time and wait until he was passed out drunk to grab the baby and leave.

    in my opinion once you find out sexual abuse is going on there is no sane option other than to get that child in an alternative living situation so that the others are safe. If that isn't possible, then I'd leave with the other kids. It is very hard to stop a child or adult from acting out sexually. Our adopted son was taken to a shelter for young sexual predators, but it didn't help him. He continued to try to act out on other kids there. His end diagnosis was Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. No matter what the reason he did this or whether or not this difficult child can get help, for now he should not live with your other kids. It's not fair to them. Is he dangerous is other ways? Violent? Mean to animals? Does he pee or poop in odd places? Does he like to play with fire? I'm guessing he's no gem and is scary to live with beyond the sexual abuse, although that is the line in the sand that my husband and I draw.

    Add me to the list of those who think his diagnosis is wrong. I do not know his history. If this children had chaotic early years without one loving, consistent caregiver, I'd say he may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). If his birthmother drank, he could also have fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. Neither have a particularly good prognosis. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) are both organic brain damage. There is little that can be done for those kids/adults other than to supervise closely 24/7 because they can't learn from their mistakes. They forget. It's sad, but if such a child is dangerous...they are still dangerous, even if it is sad.

    All I can do is warn you. been there done that. He is obviously snowing your other kids...scaring them, either by threatening to kill all of you or by saying "If you love me, you'll let me." Don't let it continue, no matter w hat husband says. (((Hugs)))
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2012
  7. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    how can i tell if he is being preditory or just weird? when we talked about it he told me he was thinking about it in his room and then he went to look for his brother to do it and he couldn't find him so he got his other brother. my 6yo said it happened four times, then he said no wait, one time..ugh
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My kids told me it happened a few times. We found out he had been sexually abusing the kids the entire time he'd been with us. And we had no idea. And, yes, I still feel guilty. Kids don't like to admit the truth about being abused. I have no idea why.

    Again, why would ANY kids want to sexually abuse another one unless he has been through it himself and gravely damaged? We were told that almost all kids who abuse were abused. These were professionals with a specialty in childhood sexual abuse.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs your way. I don't have the experience that others do, thank God, but I have to wonder if your husband may know more than what his response indicated. So sorry. DDD
  10. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    Well I can't send him to bio-mom because she is not healthy mentally. I am afraid to call CAS for help. We tried to place difficult child in foster care or get help from them before because he was psychotic and i couldn't handle it, and then another time he wrapped my baby's neck and face in a blanket and tried to suffocate him. they said he needed to be supervised better and that if i couldn't protect the littler kids from him they would take them and place them in homes because it would be too hard to find a home for difficult child. husband is not talking to me too much now. so glad x-mas is over. My parents and my brother showed up with little notice which led to melt down city which somehow husband blames me. he went out to hang out with 'the boys' and left me to manage kids and entertain company while cooking the turkey, ect. then he came home and dug into the dinner with out me and went upstairs. I'd like to think husband would be above doing something like that to difficult child, and we are difficult child's 5th home, but he has been here since his 2nd birthday. wouldn't anything before that be too young to remember? I don't know what to think....husband is a whole nother issue, ya know? my brother even asked me why i bother keeping difficult child. I told husband i don't want difficult child here, it's not worth putting the other kids at risk. his response is that i should leave him in his room and not let him play with the other kids. in my opinion that is setting him up to be a psychopath when he's older. apparently he thinks i am to blame because i worked so hard with difficult child and thought he was improving so i tried to let him have a bit of normalcy which i shouldn't have. is it wrong to place difficult child behind husband's back? how could i even do that with out his permission?
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would take the other kids and go. He tried to suffocate your kid? The boy has attachment disorder maybe with fetal alcohol thrown in. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't want to stick around with the other kids to find out. This kid is too dangerous...you COULD lose your other kids because of him or they could be badly hurt/damaged by this one. He is already acting like a future psychopath, just like the child we adopted did. difficult child may not remember what happened to him before his 2nd birthday, but his sub-conscious knows. Kids get attachment disorder by neglect or abuse in their first years of life.

    You can't save this kid. Sadly, his bio-mom has already destroyed him. Your husband is in denial at how dangerous this boy is and is willing to risk the other kid's safety maybe because he belatedly feels guilty...or something. I hope you do decide to take the other kids to somewhere safe. Is it even safe for YOU to be alone with this kid? I wouldn't think so. The older he gets, the worse it's going to be when your husband leaves you alone with him...

    Good luck.
  12. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    yes, he tried to suffocate my youngest. that was a while ago, when baby was 14mos old. i am not afraid of difficult child myself but i know he can hurt the other kids, they are both bigger and stronger than he is though. i know i am big enough to handle him for now but you are right, he is only going to get bigger and it only takes one 'off' moment to do something irreperable. i have no where to go. everyone has distanced themselves from me and the only one who talks to me is my mom but i can't stay there because she can't stand my kids. husband is being greedy because we get an extra 500 a month because difficult child is so difficult to manage. if i call CAS can they actually take the other boys instead of difficult child? is that common policy or them just trying to make me keep him? biomom is clean now and supposedly reformed and taking methadone. court order says i can't let her see him unsupervised though. you know, this is really messed up. i took him in to keep him from bouncing around in care and it has nothing but trouble since then. this is not what one expects when they welcome a new child to their families. i am pretty sure he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as well. in fact at our last appointment the new p-doctor looked at him and told me straight out "this kid is not autistic. do you know why they diagnosed him with autism? i think he is damaged from prenatal drug exposure" and i told him yes, he definitely is. i met difficult child and his bio mom when he was just 3 weeks old and she was breastfeeding while doing lines. now she says husband is not even the father and she just said that so we would take him in.
  13. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    okay, well husband just came down and told me that if i really want to get rid of him we can. i guess he knows it is the right thing for the other kids.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that you are having to deal with this right now, and esp that it is something you must deal with at this time of the year that has so many emotions and expectations attached to it. That makes it so very much more difficult. (((((hugs)))))

    This is a really big issue, and not one you can handle in a day.

    First off, why is difficult child only your problem? I realize you have had him since age 2, but husband is his father and you are not related by blood at all. I know family is made up of those we choose to love along with those who are related by the whim of biology, but in my opinion your husband is way, way WAY off base in expecting you to do all the work with difficult child and to bear all the blame. This is HIS SON, and he is the one who allowed him to be with someone with sub abuse problems and be shuffled through four other homes before he was 2.

    this child almost certainly has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is a condition developed by abuse and/or severe neglect during the first 3 yrs of life. The damage was done by the time you got him. He may not have clear memories of whta happened, or more likely is not capable of relaying them to you if he does remember them. He will forever be damaged by them anyway. he was taught that no one cared and adults are there to harm you and not help you and this means that he has NO ties to other people and he is SUPER dangerous to live with.

    He NEEDS a very controlled environment, to not be around younger/smaller/weaker people, and attachment therapy. That is the ONLY kind of therapy he should have as normal therapy, the kind most people experience, will likely make him worse and he will manipulate the daylights out of most people, even (or especially) tdocs and psychiatrists. Read some of the books on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and how to handle it.

    Where, exactly, does your husband expect to send difficult child? Unless you have adopted difficult child, you CANNOT place difficult child anywhere. Only his legal parent(s) can do that. I don't know how you would find a place, but to save your other kids you may have to set up a separate home for either you and the other kids or husband and difficult child.

    Don't bet your kids safety on your ability to move/control difficult child. Even if you can at this time, in the next couple of years, four at the most probably, he will be at least stronger than you are, and in a rage you likely couldn't stop him. I had real trouble with Wiz because by age 9 he was stronger than I was.

    CPS CAN take your other kids, but usually they won't. They threaten to, but legally if you have a safety plan and are doing all you can, the judge won't let them. Of course the judge won't get involved until it gets to court, which is often after cps has taken action.

    While I know how scary this is, because I have been there done that, your best choice is STILL going to be to report this ASAP to cps. Beg for their HELP, for services, and say that you and the other kids are very afraid but if difficult child knows that then things get much worse so they won't tell. Then insist on a forensic interview with the children. This is an interview designed to get the child to tell what happened without leading them into anything that isn't true. People in general, but esp kids, will totally chagne their answers if you keep asking the same question. One study found that asking the child the same question as few as four times got teh child to not just change their answer but to BELIEVE what they changed the answer to is the truth. This is something that has been proved with many studies, not just one.

    If you stay with your husband, PLEASE install cameras that record throughout the home, esp in the kids' rooms. Have them change in the bathroom, and make sure no cameras are there and that the kids are not in there with each other except if you are there (if you bathe the younger 2 together still). have a written safety plan that shows who does what, when and where wehn difficult child has a meltdown, etc... Include what you will do to make sure that difficult child doesn't molest the younger kids again.

    I am NOT saying to leave your husband, just that if you cannot find a placement very soon for difficult child then you may need to have husband move out with im, or you leave iwth the other kids. As for no one to help, this is domestic violence and you can go to the local dv center and they should help. They may not have anything formal set up for this situation, but if you explain in an intake interview, and show a list of all the ways difficult child has hurt the other kids and you and any pets if he hurt them, the dv center should be able to do something or refer you to someone for help.

    in my opinion your husband is TOTALLY out of line to make you the one responsible for difficult child's actions. Not only does it hurt difficult child, it hurts the family. He is also WAY out of line to say that difficult child should be left in his room alone all day. My heart aches for difficult child when I hear that his father wants that to happen! Can you IMAGINE how that must hurt difficult child? How it must reinforce his hatred of you and the other kids? Your husband is abusing difficult child wehn he insists that this happens. If I were you I would tell CPS that your husband is insisting that difficult child spend all day and night alone in his room. Yes, you do have to supervise all the kids at all times with difficult child there. BUT you cannot treat difficult child like an animal that must live in a cage. For that cps would probably either take ALL the kids or they would insist that you move out with your kids and take difficult child. If you refuse to take difficult child, cite that you are NOT his parent and you have no legal rights and cannot and will not assume any rights to difficult child because those are his father and mother's rights. They might send him back to his mom, or put him in foster care. or they might leave hm with husband with intense supervision. But cps WOULD have a huge problem wth a child not allowed to leave his room all day while his siblings laughed and played in the house. I know it may be the only real option to keep the kids safe, but it is still abusive and I think cps should know that your husband is insisting that you do this and that you don't think it is right but you need help to keep all of the kids safe in the home.

    What type of person would keep a child locked away in his room whle his brothers get to play and have free range of the home? this is NOT a good solution and is NOT helathy for ANY of the kids. What happens to the younger 2 if they won't behave the way Daddy wants them to? If you and husband were divorced and you heard that he kept your sons locked away in their room, what woudl you do? how would you feel about it?

    No matter how angry you are with difficult child, and you have EVERY right to be furious with him, and to be afraid of him, you still cannot condone abuse. You need to truly realize, deep down inside, what type of father/parent would lock way a young child every day in his own home. A father who would do this to one child will do this to the other kids if they don't do what he wants them to. This is a big red flag that something is wrong in your husband. in my opinion anyway.

    I hope that you can find a way to resolve this and get the help that the entire family needs. I am sorry it all came out during the holidays.
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2012
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Getting rid of him may not be so easy...if mom is doing better and wants difficult child back, then the best bet is to go to court and have custody revert back to her.

    Since the court has already said husband is dad, actual DNA doesn't really matter anymore.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Lol, I dont disagree with what.mwm.said at all! Mwm is absolutely correct that if these things have happened to a child ( I didn't see about the disruptive early childhood years) then this is likely a no win situation and very risky for you and the other kids.

    However, though maybe not this case, sexual issues including pretty adult acts, compulsions, and exploring abound in many developmentally disordered kids. Even without prior abuse. Anyone who has been around severely impaired kids has seen that they figure out what feels good and just go for it. It can be a lifetime struggle and tjere are millions of behavior programs written including lots of Occupational Therapist (OT) programs, sigh. Many parents can tell you exactly when and how it started. I am in groups with higher functioning kids who are very talented at breaking parental locks on tv and computers and get into porn. Just happened to my friend recently and her son with a genetic issues similar to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is obsessed and now in adolesence is looking for any outlet. After assessment and investigation and follow-up my cousin's have had no other issues, are now totally embarrassed and no other incidents have happened. There absolutely are many reasons kids act out sexually and it's super complicated sometimes. And as to the question as why would they do it if not done to them? Because it feels good and they don't have the ability to predict consequences. Put with poor or no impulse control or inability to see another person's perspective? In the mental health field you see this stuff for different reasons but its not always black and white and it leaves parents with kids who have developmental disorders ill informed and without much support because no one writes much about it or openly talks about it. Again, now that I put past posts with this one....doesn't seem the case here.

    So, if this is the kiddo with FASD,Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and all the other issues AND (what i missed) had that chaotic early birth to two/three upbringing ???? Plus has tried to kill kids? That is an easier call. (Just opinions here of course) Really though no.matter the cause, you have danger and have to act. But in this case (chance that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is part of it) the prognosis is slow improvement if any at all and the issues can accelerate as he gets older. You may have no idea how awful things really have been for your other kids.

    I also agree it does not mean abusive methods can be used to treat him like isolation at all times because it's not humane and it will backfire on you because they can worry for the other kids. Your husband needs a big wake-up call!

    You are being very brave and I'm sorry you have to go thru this!
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2012
  17. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i'm not going to let husband keep him in his room forever, i realize that would be abusive. but i'm also not giving him free range in the house because he steals, hurts people, tortures my cat, breaks things, gets into everything and he is super sneaky. last night i was so intent on sending him to foster care and now i feel guilty again. he seemed like he was doing so much better, co-operating at school and finally learning. i don't think it's abusive to make him stay in his room unless i have time to watch him. he gets lots of time to come out and he likes his room. every time i try to let him have free range of the house like this something bad happens. i'm not worried about him seeing anything on the computer. computers are not accessible to kids except for to my 6yo but that is only for homeschooling, they are in a locked room along with all my other sharp or breakable things and things i just don't want destroyed.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh wow. Don't ever feel guilty! You have other kids to protect and the two jobs may not be compatible! Sending him to a planned placement is not throwing him away! It's a loving plan when we know we are in over our heads and when our kids need specialized treatment. I'd doubt he would ever be placed in a typical foster home. They are not equipped for this level of care. He needs a therapeutic placement. There are therapeutic foster homes..few and far between, for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids. (Check out Nancy Thomas ) but usually they go to residential treatment centers.
    Parents who ask for and arrange this kind of support (not always easy to do!) Are not giving up. They are parenting another way. There are disrupted adoptions and times when the original abusive parents can't participate if they continue in their ways....but you and husband can choose to advocate and participate as much as possible. As was said...it's not so easy to just say you want your child gone. There are hoops, sadly.
    I don't personally see how any professional could not hear your list of issues, hear his history and not think Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) along with brain damage from drugs/alcohol. I'm sorry they have let you all down...(mho)
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look at your own post. This boy is dangerous. He is a danger to your kids and pets...doesn't get worse than that. Why do you feel guilty about wanting him in foster care? Frankly, I'm not sure you'd even be able to get anyone to take him. They'd have to be very committed, understand the attachment issues, and not have kids young enough for him to abuse (or animals). Your husband is doing a real number on your head. If this were me, honestly, this k id would be gone or I'd be gone with my kid. The day we found out that our adopted son had violated my younger kids, we called CPS and he was gone. He had crossed a line that was too scary to take a risk with. Kids like this child do not get better on their own and often can't get better even with the best of help. His birthmother damaged him in his early years and if he has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), those kids don't even understand right and wrong. They have brain damage. And in my opinion your husband is equally culpable. Why didn't he take son away from this horrible situation so that, even if he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), he was safe? I'm guessing that somewhere in his life, this child was sexually abused. The professionals who treated my kids were so certain that that's the main reason k ids that young even know what "licking" means let alone doing it to other kids. Perhaps bio. mom had a sick boyfriend or two in the house when he was little. My adopted son did not remember being sexually abused, but he had been in five foster homes before us and his birthmother had seriously neglected him. Somehwere along the line, whether he remembered it or not, he had likely been sexually abused. Kids who act out sexually (not the innocent playing doctor...that's different), do not just act out once to try it out. They keep doing it.

    Our adopted son not only did stuff to our kids, but to kids in the community and pets in the community. My daughter told me, long after he was gone for good, that she had seen him strangling a neighbor's cat and he dropped the cat when the neighbor's door swung open. I wonder how many animals he killed? Has he ever been suspiciously around dead animals? And was he the one to report it, maybe with tears in his eyes? These are very serious issues. Your husband contributed to what this child is. He did not save him in time and now he is pretending that this child isn't a danger to you and the other kids.

    If this were me, he'd be gone with the boy or I'd be gone with the others. If I had to, I'd run to a domestic abuse shelter because this IS domestic abuse. They aren't going to take your kids away if you try to protect them. If you don't, you never know. Where is your pity for your innocent children? Why do you always feel so sorry for this one? Is it your husband laying a guilt trip on you? You had NOTHING to do with why he is so damaged. You have an obligation to keep the other children safe. It is your husband who has an obligation to either find a safe place where his damaged son can live and get close monitoring or else get him the expensive and lengthy attachment therapy he probably needs...and to have him assessed for fetal alcohol spectrum. You can't do it. You have no rights to this child. Consider yourself lucky.

    Hugs and good luck. I know this is hard for you. Sorry for the tough talk, but I want you to know how bad it can get. It may already be that bad. It isn't fair to try to help the one very sick child at the expense of all the other ones. JM very strong opinion.
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For the record... extended family includes a - now grown - adoptee, who left birth home at about 20 months. He has very detailed memories of things that definitely happened there and only there. 2 years old is definitely NOT too young to remember. This person knows for sure, because the birth family was tracked (siblings), and older siblings remember exactly the same things.

    Plus... much of the damage is done in more subtle ways that won't necessarily be caught in memories.