I hate how I feel. Hate it.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Methuselah, Dec 12, 2011.

  1. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    In my 48 years, I have never hated a person as much as I hate difficult child 1. Never. Not even close. :(

    The rage and hate is so foreign to me. It is not me. Not me at all. Yet, I live and breathe it, as if it is.

    And I hate myself for it.

    I wish I knew how to let the anger go, but I can't figure it out. I'm clueless. So it sits and festers.

    I'm so emotionally bruised and battered by her lies, manipulations, indifference, the intentional maligning of my character to make herself appear an innocent victim; i'm tired trying to protect the other kids from her and the stress she causes; I'm tired of her never feeling badly about anything she has done to us. Ever.

    I'm tired of being blamed for everything; I'm tired of her creating new realities to make her truth palatable to herself. I'm tired of it all.

    393 more days until I never have to deal with her ever again.

    I hate myself for this.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Stop. Your brain hit a "skip" in the record. Turn the recording off.

    Yes, you're in a super-tough situation.
    With a kid who's problems are NOT your fault.
    No matter what your guilt trip tries to tell you.

    All the mess up with the way she was raised before you got her... and the biology... and who knows what else in the mix... In some ways, maybe she never had a chance. And so yes, I understand the rage and the anger and the hurt. But please? don't turn that on yourself.

    You have done what you could, with what you had to work with.
  3. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Just wanted you to know I am here and am listening. difficult child's know exactly how to wear you down. I hope you can do something nice for yourself (even if it is just a soothing bath or reading a good book) so you can recharge. Alot of us people on CD have been there, too. Take care of yourself, you deserve it and need it.


    Ma Kettle
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I dont know if this is possible but is there a healthy level of dissociation? I think I do it. when Q does things that feel so mean and I just am so sick of being beat up.... I just can split into the functional mom and the real me. I have to because while I have never felt hate---I have felt the need to totally get away and since that is NOT possible most times, I have to do it this way.

    I know I am not the cause of this stuff and I dont feel bad for being human and wishing him away at times. (good lesson for me when he was in the hospital, I missed him so terribly). I dont have other kids.... any of you all who do, that is just a world of difference. To have to frame everything in a way to keep the whole family functioning... just overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine.

    Would it help to talk to yourself/your post as if you were telling someone here what you felt would help from what you just said? wow that was one long run on sentence, sorry. Maybe imagine or pretend write a reply here imagining it was one of us who wrote your post ?? in my humble opinion, you would not be normal if you didn't get some level of intermal defensiveness when hurt so much. I dont think that feelings are ever wrong. How we handle feelings can be wrong. but I beg you to not feel badly for what you feel. HUGS and support. Dee
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm so sorry you are hurting. Is there any way to get her out of the house faster? Are you able to go to a therapist? Someone you can tell your feelings to.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sweetie, there are days, hours, minutes, I'm right there with you. It's a way of life with our "little wonders". :capitulate:
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Many many (((hugs)))...

    Your difficult child 1 is the same age as my difficult child - so I can relate...

    You DO need to let go of some of this anger. I know that her behaviors are not fair to you - not fair AT ALL! And that she is telling lies about you and maligning your character...and none of it is true and it is just wrong to do that to somebody.

    The bad news? She is going to blame you and lie about you for many years to come....regardless of anything you try to do about it. You cannot control this.

    The good news? You CAN control YOU. You can separate yourself from the kinds of people who would believe difficult child 1's lies...and associate with those who know what a kind and loving soul you are. You CAN walk away from her in the heat of the moment. You DO NOT have to argue with her over what is true and what is false - you stick with the truth and stop trying to get difficult child 1 to see it or admit it...and proceed anyway. Stop getting s*cked into the vortex of difficult child-dom.

    I think you need to go out and do something nice for YOU today....but not in a "lounge at the spa" kind of way - more of a "Kickboxing class" way. Go do something with all that angry energy! Go do something that will get your endorphins flowing!

    Feel better about YOU!

    (((hugs))) again
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    ((((Hugs)))). I know exactly how you feel. I have felt that way myself on occasion. After a while you just get tired of being beaten down by a child that you have loved for so long. It's frustating, especially when you have done everything in your power to make things better for her. Like Daisy Face said, the bad news is that in difficult child's eyes, everything that goes wrong in her life will, somehow, be your fault and your fault alone.

    However, you know differently, and I think most other people know it, too. Remember that.

    If you can see a therapist, I would take the time to go and see one for your own piece of mind. I walked into my therapist's office saying the exact same thing. I HATE difficult child! She was able to work through it with me and I believe now that it's not necessarily difficult child that I hate. It's his behavior towards me and the rest of the family that I hate, and I have even gone as far as to tell difficult child that when he carries on about how no one loves him. "It's not you that we don't love, dear. We love you, but it's the way you behave that we don't love." Tough for a kid to understand, though. At least if it's something that they don't want to understand.

    Do you have any hobbies or anything that you like to do that you really love? If so, do it! For me, when I'm feeling REALLY bad a book is exactly what I need. I can get lost in the pages and forget my real life problems for a while. You need to make time for yourself so that you can recharge your batteries and have some energy for yourself and for your other kids. Moms need to remember that they need to take care of themselves sometimes before they take care of the others in the family, and I think that this is especially true for warrior moms. Selfish? I don't think so. Remember that when you are on an ariplane and if the cabin looses pressure and the air masks drop down, they tell you to put YOURS on first, and then, and only then, should you help your child.

    Stay strong. We know how you feel.
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Many hugs!!! I understand totally. I just had to say exactly how I felt and this was the best place to do it. Most if not all of us, understand it. I was thinking that way for so long, but felt so ashamed and then mad that I was made to feel that way. It was like a big black dark secret and then I wrote it to other people. I felt a lot better. It's okay, take a deep breath and laugh if you can. Find a tv show that makes you crack up, for me it's Charlie Sheen in reruns of Two and a half men, or Everyone loves Raymond, and his crazy family. I was so mad at difficult child this last weekend, that I sent myself to my room, lol. Two and Half men was on, I had a half an hour of full belly laughs. Take some time for yourself. It's okay. Many hugs and sorry that you are feeling this way!!!
  10. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Thanks all for your replies.

    Insane: I know this isn't my fault. I don't feel guilty at all. I know it is her and not me. I struggle with the hate I feel. I feel guilty about that, I guess. I don't like her as a person. I think her treatment of others, especially me, is despicable. I just hate being this angry all the time.

    Ma Kettle: thanks. I know there are others here who understand how I am feeling. I also know there are some who have figured out a way to get through it. I hope to one day be one of them. Right now? Not so much. I'm a mess.

    Buddy: it is hard for me to disassociate from her behavior, because her behavior IS her. She does the things she does not because she is bipolar, or has ADHD, or has brain damage. If those things were removed from most difficult children, they would be a easy child. She doesn't have anything to remove, because it is who she is. It is her character, her personality.

    Liahona: I would love to have her out of our house. Actually, I would like her out my life. :( I probably should see someone. I feel right now I would be payng someone to hear me whine. I know what the problem is. She is just too broken to fix. :(

    TimerLady: If I felt this way for a minute or a day here and there, I wouldn't whine. She is this way 24/365 since the day she joined our family. It has been an intense nightmare since her 10th birthday when she proclaimed she didn't need parents anymore. I want the nightmare to end.

    Daisy: I allow myself to be Hoovered into it every single time. I have to work harder at not allowing that. How? I don't know. But that seems doable. My husband always says it is not worth getting into it with her, because it doesn't do any good. She stays the same; he gets angry. I wish I were more like him.

    Bunny: I like to bake. I find it calming. Needless to say, our kitchen looks like a bake shop. :-/ I also work on jigsaw puzzles. They are therapeutic: I take something that is broken in pieces and make it whole, unlike my experience with difficult child 1 and difficult child 2.

    Jody: I do kind things for myself. It's hard, but I do it. Doesn't really do any good, because the problem is still there. It's like having a thorn in your hand. Advil may relieve the pain temporarily, but the pain will always be there until the thorn is yanked out. My "thorn" will be in my foot for another 392 days.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your feelings are normal to some extent. If this has been the way you feel for a long time, then it is time to change this toxic situation. Have you considered disrupting the adoption? Yes, she is close to 18, but there is NO reason to subject yourself to a life of hate for over 300 more days. If you go to social services and say "I cannot handle it anymore. She has to go back, they might charge you with abandonment or something, but you won't go to jail. And it is better than living with hate. She is going to tell people how awful you are no matter what you do. Why tie yourself to the toxicity?

    It can be temporary foster care until she changes, or you can tell DHS that, or you can just say you are done and she can't come back. If you honestly don't feel any love for her (and in my opinion it seems like a rational way to feel given how she treats you) and you cannot see this change while she is with you, then end it. Cut the ties now.

    I don't know what your job is, but generally this won't be held against you any more than her lies will. And if her lies are a part of the problem, well, tell people that since seh honestly believes what she says about you, you don't feel it is fair to inflict yourself upon her. Reality is the other way around, but this makes it seem like you are "dong the right thing" and may minimize any potential fallout.

    Only you know if this is doable, but it cannot hurt to call DHS/social services and find out what happens if you drop her off and say "no more. I am DONE with her. I cannot continue to do this to either of us."

    I am sorry it is so bad. I worry about what this is doing to you. This level of stress and hate takes more than just an emotional toll. It takes a physical one too. Don't be afraid to let her go. there ARE better ways to spend the next year or so.

    I don't mean to seem cold, I just know how hard this is an sometimes it truly is healthier to just cut the ties. It may not change her actions, but it might help you and the rest of the family. Sometiems a person just cannot be helped or live with a family.
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    What Susie said was what I was thinking of. Or a foster home like step2two had. Or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) like timerlady. Or making her so miserable at home she leaves (runs away) on her own accord. I'm sure she could con someone else into providing bed and board.

    You all have a lot of healing to do and I just don't see it happening until the situation changes.