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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 631233" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil...you have faced something that I had to face, and way before he was in his twenties. It was a horrible revelation to me. He was my first and only child for six years and very adored, yet he was always around when other little kids got hurt and it was never his fault (although the others all said it was) and I actually believed he was being picked on at first. There is lots more and he continued to be a, well, kind of a jerk throughout his life, including getting involved in illegal activities, doing inappropriate things to his little sister (such as making her watch porn and holding her head up so she had to look) and lying and being such a good thief (this is a very bright person) that he was the King of Shoplifting as he hit middle school (it made him quite popular) and it probably continued as he grew older. He may still be sneakily stealing. But back to his childhood...he wasn't nice or connected much to anybody except me and with me he was too connected and often not nice to me anyway. He slapped my cheek hard once. He cornered me and spit at me. And more.</p><p></p><p>Some adult children are only mean because of the disease of addiction. HOwever, many have been problems since way before that and the addiction is just another problem to deal with, a bad one. In our case, before my son started drinking and eating Xanax, there were definite signs of abnormal behavior.</p><p></p><p>Early on I knew that my son was not heading in the direction of "nice." Now here is something else I've told the posters here a few times, but don't make a big deal out of it because HE doesn't seem to have any interest in it or care. He was a donor baby and I have no idea who the birthfather is, although the doctors usually try hard to use young men who are healthy and on the right track. So I see tons of MY FAMILY in this young adult. There are lots of not-nice people in the family, but I breaks my heart that I have to say my own son is one of them, although I tried sooooooooooooooo hard to teach him about kindness and empathy and loving other people and respecting other's rights, which he doesn't always do.</p><p></p><p>The day I had to say to myself, with radical acceptance, "My son isn't a nice person. He has antisocial traits and uses others. He could be classified as a plain old jerk" I let out a sigh. It was out in the open instead of just in the back of my mind, with me trying to block it. So far, besides loving me, and I know he does, he also loves and is good to his son, if not too good and setting himself up for a difficult child who will have entitlement issues because my son buys him EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. But, of course, his son is a "Little Me."</p><p></p><p>It is hard to admit that our grown children have not turned out to be nice, caring and empathetic. At least I think it is. But at least, with radical acceptance, once we admit it, we know how they will behave because we acknowledge who they are. Then it becomes our job to decide how WE are going to handle this because that is the only power we have over them. There are things I've found t hat actually do work, at least in his behavior toward me. I hope you can find your key to dealing with your son's disrespect.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and more hugs. You are having a tough time and we are all here with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 631233, member: 1550"] Lil...you have faced something that I had to face, and way before he was in his twenties. It was a horrible revelation to me. He was my first and only child for six years and very adored, yet he was always around when other little kids got hurt and it was never his fault (although the others all said it was) and I actually believed he was being picked on at first. There is lots more and he continued to be a, well, kind of a jerk throughout his life, including getting involved in illegal activities, doing inappropriate things to his little sister (such as making her watch porn and holding her head up so she had to look) and lying and being such a good thief (this is a very bright person) that he was the King of Shoplifting as he hit middle school (it made him quite popular) and it probably continued as he grew older. He may still be sneakily stealing. But back to his childhood...he wasn't nice or connected much to anybody except me and with me he was too connected and often not nice to me anyway. He slapped my cheek hard once. He cornered me and spit at me. And more. Some adult children are only mean because of the disease of addiction. HOwever, many have been problems since way before that and the addiction is just another problem to deal with, a bad one. In our case, before my son started drinking and eating Xanax, there were definite signs of abnormal behavior. Early on I knew that my son was not heading in the direction of "nice." Now here is something else I've told the posters here a few times, but don't make a big deal out of it because HE doesn't seem to have any interest in it or care. He was a donor baby and I have no idea who the birthfather is, although the doctors usually try hard to use young men who are healthy and on the right track. So I see tons of MY FAMILY in this young adult. There are lots of not-nice people in the family, but I breaks my heart that I have to say my own son is one of them, although I tried sooooooooooooooo hard to teach him about kindness and empathy and loving other people and respecting other's rights, which he doesn't always do. The day I had to say to myself, with radical acceptance, "My son isn't a nice person. He has antisocial traits and uses others. He could be classified as a plain old jerk" I let out a sigh. It was out in the open instead of just in the back of my mind, with me trying to block it. So far, besides loving me, and I know he does, he also loves and is good to his son, if not too good and setting himself up for a difficult child who will have entitlement issues because my son buys him EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. But, of course, his son is a "Little Me." It is hard to admit that our grown children have not turned out to be nice, caring and empathetic. At least I think it is. But at least, with radical acceptance, once we admit it, we know how they will behave because we acknowledge who they are. Then it becomes our job to decide how WE are going to handle this because that is the only power we have over them. There are things I've found t hat actually do work, at least in his behavior toward me. I hope you can find your key to dealing with your son's disrespect. Hugs and more hugs. You are having a tough time and we are all here with you. [/QUOTE]
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