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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 631527" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>But you can change this, by changing your behavior toward him. He needs to get less to no attention when he acts twelve. The law, if he breaks it, won't care if he is mentally twelve. He is looking to be disruptive. Don't let him. It isn't that hard to learn how to put your cell phone setting on vibrate and not carry it around or to look at your call waiting if you have a house phone and not answer the phone if it is him. You can hang up on him the minute he gets rude. I warned 36 that I'd do that and I don't think he believed me until I did it constantly. At first we had no conversations at all because I was very consistent once I got too tired of the anger and blah-blahing to listen. He rose his voice, I hung up. He swore, I hung up. He asked for anything, I hung up. He talked about what a rotten mother I was *click.* Eventually he got the message and we can actually talk now, but I still hang up if he starts to get abusive. I practice zero tolerance too. I found that giving him an inch was like giving him the world.</p><p></p><p>You do not have to follow what his life is like. Don't spy on FB or his cell phone. Those days are fine when a child is still a minor a nd you have control over him, but not as an adult. Half of what he writes is probably nonsense anyway so why even bother? I would stick to a few main themes for your own sanity and to teach him to be responsible:</p><p></p><p>1/If he is doing drugs, he can not live at home or he has to go to rehab until he is in remission of his addiction an d no longer hanging out with these fun drug using friends he likes so much.</p><p></p><p>2/No driving at all in your car if he is not sober. My kid was in three accidents while high. Only the first one was our vehicle. I couldn't help it that her friends were dumb enough to let her drive, but at least it was not on our insurance as she was by then over eighteen.</p><p></p><p>3/Absolutely insist he get a job, or volunteer five days a week at many of the various places who desperately need volunteers, or say good-bye. There is no reason for somebody his age not to be busy every day, like an adult. Volunteering is flexible. It gives him job skills and also, since it IS volunteering, if he has a job interview, he can go and not worry about taking time off. Volunteering gives him a taste of responsibility and working. There is no reason for him to game so much or hang out with his equally bored drug using peers.</p><p></p><p>Other people have used other methods. I know somebody here (not sure who and maybe I'll get the details wrong) I think her adult child has to leave the house when she goes to work and is not allowed back in until she gets home. I like volunteering better, but I also like that this parent is not allowing her adult to lay around all day, texting, or whatever they do when they have nothing to do.</p><p></p><p>Constant fun is not real life. Constant fun on your dime is definitely not real life. I'd personally (and I know not everyone will agree) would insist he volunteer if he "can't" get a job and not allow him to hang out at all until he could pay for it. He probably is up to no good when he is hanging out. The car? Hahahaha. Not while you're using drugs. Not until you can pay for gas and help with insurance. Not until you are employed.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I'm tougher than some others, but I did all this with a serious mental illness and don't believe that coddling the adult child, no matter what the problem is, helps them grow up. In fact, I believe it makes them continue to need parenting and is not productive. JMO.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 631527, member: 1550"] But you can change this, by changing your behavior toward him. He needs to get less to no attention when he acts twelve. The law, if he breaks it, won't care if he is mentally twelve. He is looking to be disruptive. Don't let him. It isn't that hard to learn how to put your cell phone setting on vibrate and not carry it around or to look at your call waiting if you have a house phone and not answer the phone if it is him. You can hang up on him the minute he gets rude. I warned 36 that I'd do that and I don't think he believed me until I did it constantly. At first we had no conversations at all because I was very consistent once I got too tired of the anger and blah-blahing to listen. He rose his voice, I hung up. He swore, I hung up. He asked for anything, I hung up. He talked about what a rotten mother I was *click.* Eventually he got the message and we can actually talk now, but I still hang up if he starts to get abusive. I practice zero tolerance too. I found that giving him an inch was like giving him the world. You do not have to follow what his life is like. Don't spy on FB or his cell phone. Those days are fine when a child is still a minor a nd you have control over him, but not as an adult. Half of what he writes is probably nonsense anyway so why even bother? I would stick to a few main themes for your own sanity and to teach him to be responsible: 1/If he is doing drugs, he can not live at home or he has to go to rehab until he is in remission of his addiction an d no longer hanging out with these fun drug using friends he likes so much. 2/No driving at all in your car if he is not sober. My kid was in three accidents while high. Only the first one was our vehicle. I couldn't help it that her friends were dumb enough to let her drive, but at least it was not on our insurance as she was by then over eighteen. 3/Absolutely insist he get a job, or volunteer five days a week at many of the various places who desperately need volunteers, or say good-bye. There is no reason for somebody his age not to be busy every day, like an adult. Volunteering is flexible. It gives him job skills and also, since it IS volunteering, if he has a job interview, he can go and not worry about taking time off. Volunteering gives him a taste of responsibility and working. There is no reason for him to game so much or hang out with his equally bored drug using peers. Other people have used other methods. I know somebody here (not sure who and maybe I'll get the details wrong) I think her adult child has to leave the house when she goes to work and is not allowed back in until she gets home. I like volunteering better, but I also like that this parent is not allowing her adult to lay around all day, texting, or whatever they do when they have nothing to do. Constant fun is not real life. Constant fun on your dime is definitely not real life. I'd personally (and I know not everyone will agree) would insist he volunteer if he "can't" get a job and not allow him to hang out at all until he could pay for it. He probably is up to no good when he is hanging out. The car? Hahahaha. Not while you're using drugs. Not until you can pay for gas and help with insurance. Not until you are employed. Maybe I'm tougher than some others, but I did all this with a serious mental illness and don't believe that coddling the adult child, no matter what the problem is, helps them grow up. In fact, I believe it makes them continue to need parenting and is not productive. JMO. [/QUOTE]
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