I Hate This!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Mar 11, 2008.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Does anyone get tired of years and years of disobedience, defiance, ugly faces, sticking the tongue out, making crossed-eyes, saying no to you, acting like the king/queen, refusing to do chores, laughing at you, trashing the house, picking on the dogs, slamming the doors, refusal to do homework, hording food, sneaking comfort food, refusal of homework, encopresis, locking the door on you, pounding on the door while you shower, pounding on the shower door while HE showers----------??? Is there NO end? Most of this list is daily behavior and I've tried to be strong, but oh my......
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Yup, it does get tiring and exhausting and frustrating and ..... Sometimes it even gets better. The one thing is you so cherish the good moments. They are so much more precious and endearing than those of parents who don't suffer through all of this.

    In the meantime, .......

  3. dizzymum

    dizzymum Sarah


    I recently likened raising my beautiful difficult child as this.....

    It feels as though she has been running along the top of a wall for years and I have been running on the pavement, arms out stretched, waiting to catch her. It is terrifyingly exhausting.:faint:
  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Yep, there was a time when I would have loved to walk away. Looking back, it's hard to imagine living with them at all. Distance and detachment make it seem less painful. Sort of like labor. I hated the way I had to be in order to get difficult child going. I hated to sound like a warden or have a house with all that arguing. Makes one want to cover your head with a pillow.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    It can be very demoralizing, that's for sure. I get tired of being a warrior mom, I just want to be a mom. But I really don't have any choice in that matter so I trudge on.
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Add me to the list of those who understand. I HATE the HE77 my difficult children put me through on a daily basis!!! I can relate to everything you said with the exception of picking on the dog. I have my limits!!! If either one of my difficult children EVER does anything nasty to my dog, I have to admit, that I don't think I'll be able to stayed glued!!! I hate to think of what I would do to my difficult children!!!:furious:

    difficult child 2 spent most of his time after school and most of the evening throwing fits yesterday.:furious: I lost track of the number of times he called me a F*CK'N B*TCH. Luckily, he stayed in his room while raging and only destroyed it. He was easier to ignore because he was out of sight!!!:furious:

    I was just about to post about difficult child 2's ugly behavior when I saw your post.

    My best advice is to put yourself first at times, make sure you take every possible opportunity to enjoy a bit of quality time away from your difficult child.

    Thinking of you... WFEN
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I know I'm not unique and neither is my difficult child. It's just a pitiful shame that any of us have to live like this every single day. I love him dearly, but how, I don't know. I've done everything a person could ever think of short of sending him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and that may still be in the cards. Living with this daily has made ME a person I don't like very much....pity.
  8. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    I understand how you feel...Sometimes it is so hard to see this person you have become.

    I really think I reached a breaking point last week. husband saw that he even mentioned it to the therapist SAT. husband has stepped up and is dealing with most of our stuff. I am only a step mom to my difficult child's. But I am usually the one dealing with everything. You know typical warrior mom stuff. It has been nice to step into the shadows a little.

    Try to do something for yourself to recharge. Thinking of you. HUGS
  9. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Yes....VERY TIRED of it!!!!!! The only thing that helps me at all is getting a break from difficult child. I'm not quite sure I could tell you the last time there was a "good day" without any of the things you mentioned going on or more. BUT, I have realized that some days are better than others & I have to hope for those because those AWFUL days make me want to run as far away as possible. You say you love him dearly, but how, you don't know. You love him because he is YOUR difficult child. But, even though we love them.....it's so very hard to like them very often! Understandable. Hang tough & try to do something for you....I know how hard that is too, but it may help some!!!!!! {{{HUGS}}}
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im tired and it has been going on for oh....lets say 19 years now! I take two years off his age because he was a pretty good baby up until about 2...lol.

    I wish I could say it all ended for us but it hasnt. Now not only am I getting on his case for causing trouble but so is the law. Consequences bite!
  11. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I'm not sure I ever knew there was any other way for it to be. It is my oldest child who was my most difficult difficult child. ALas, I did not realize the magnitude until I already went on and had 2 more kids. ANd at that time, I did not realize what was coming with husband, either.
    On Kate Plus 8 Kate says something at the beginning of the show---I cannot remember it exactly, but- it is something like "......it may be a hard life (or something like that) but it is OUR life......

    Oh, I still try to make it all be some better.....but.....once I realized this is how our life is......this is how my husband and kids are.....I seemed to cope with it better, in many ways. I shrug and remind myself, well, I wanted kids, then I LOL.then I move on to the next challenge. or not. Sometimes I say to myself- well if you can't beat em, join em....and I pull my own little stunt. ("forget" to grocery shop...."forget" to do laundry......"don't feel like makeing dinner")
    Over the 19 years of this......I think I am now at a place of "would rather fight than switch" I have learned a LOT from being here in this. I am more sympathetic, kinder, far less judgemental........I have learned to TRULY treasure the "good moments" and these days I can fully appreciate many of the smaller things in life.

    GFGism has dramatically affected our finances (we now live on one tenth of what we once did) it has affected our social lives (what social life?- altho I found out who my "good" friends were, sadly, I found out there weren't any- altho I still reach out to others, I now expect far less in any relationship) It has changed my priorities for what is important at home.
    But I truly did not even realize haveing kids could be so very much different. I was SHOCKED one day at work when I really listened to others talk about their kids, and it sure did not sound to me like some people really had very much going on in their life even after haveing kids. Some days I feel sorry for some of those people.
    That which did not kill me made me stronger.
    MOst often it is ME who now makes faces and sticks out MY tongue, then I begin to LOL.
    The doors got slammed so many times, half my cupboards do not even HAVE doors, and the kids rooms do not have doors- they broke them, I shrugged and said well there ya go, too bad so sad you lose, I am not fixing it.
    No need to pound on door even if I am taking a marathon bubble bath in the ONE bathroom we share between the 5 of us....I leave the door unlocked, and if anyone wants in, I pull shower curtain and let them in. If I do not want to hear them, I turn the water back on, or put my head under the water, LOL. BUT I get to do the same back to them when THEY want to be in there. (turn about is fair play)

    I lived alone for years before I married and had kids....I never even had roomates. BUT, after 20 years of this? I sometimes worry if they all moved out, I might get bored, or die of stimulus deprivation.
    I know I am alive cuz hey, someone is horseing around or hollering or something. When it gets quiet around here, I start to panic and think I died and someone forgot to tell me.
  12. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Dreamer, you put things in a better light. I TRY to do that, but these days....I swear (more often than not). Literally, I have NO friends, sans the ones here, lol. difficult child truly ran them all off...they either can't stand to be around him or they think I'm druggin' him up and want no part of it. Ya know on the papers you fill out at the beginning of school where they want you to list a friend and phone # for them to call in case of an emergency if they were unable to reach you? HAHAHA...I didn't have even ONE person to write down. I ended up putting down husband's secretary and I truly don't even know her last name. I just pray it never comes up.

    Natural consequences or any other for that matter, help him very little. He just plain doesn't care. He will suffer whatever the consequence is and do whatever it was .. once again. *Sigh*...I really wonder if he's capable of learning at all.

    OK, well boo hoo, I'm tough, right?
  13. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    those emergency forms? Years ago I began to write in my pager # and then later my cell phone, never clarifying it was still ME. It has made me nervous a few times, but, what else can ya do? I had been entirely disowned by MY family, and husband had no family, and friends? FIrst I was simply working so many hours and later, I was too sick and now people are too judgemental of our situation. It finally occured to me when I die, my kids will not need to have much of a funeral becuz there will only be them in attendance.

    AFter I last posted here, I was thinking- the world is so different from when I was growing up. Society is different, our culture has been changeing, so much is so vastly different. I have a bro 3 years younger than me, a sis and bro 15 years younger and another bro almost 28 years younger. I cannot telll you just how vastly different just about everything is from me being a child to my youngest bro being one. I mean I knew it was different, but haveing sibs spred out that way really shows it to me very very clearly. (and it was also a problem between me and my mom becuz of hos differently she had to parent each of us becuz of how things had changed)

    The world is so FULL of difficult children. Yesterday I was shopping, and I went in 3 places. Employees greeted me each place, BUT when I said how are ya? they ALL replied in a negative way....one said "I'vebeen better" another grunted at me...another said UG, I cannot wait for today to be over.
    Were they all "young punks"? NOpe.

    If you watch news, well, the police in chicago and suburbs have been in news a LOT for all kinds of offenses. There are some serious difficult children in the police. I have been attending court for my moms estate and for a crime against my easy child and a crime where difficult child was a witness and a few other various reasons (vandals hit our cars etc) the last several years, and I am here to tell ya? The lawyers, the detectives, the states attorneys...and even judges - so many difficult children!!!!! For my moms estate? it has been dragging out and well, every penny she had----includeing her business that had ben successful- has gone to pay legal fees related to her probate. I do not mean a small amount like oh say $100K-I mean her 3 mother in law business is gone, her 1/4 mother in law house......EVERYTHING. partly her lawyer keeps filing wrong paperwork or doing it wrong- partly the judge keeps sitting theer and saying "ya know, I did not read anything about this estate yet-- (Um it has been inprobate 2 years!) sadly the judge is the head of our civil court.
    Yesterday difficult child and I went to our local neighborhood with cops thing- and difficult child said when we left, wow mom, those cops egos are SCARY- do they relaly lie as much as they just said they do? (sadly dear, they lie even more) They actually stood there and LOL and admitted they do not care about anythning when trying to make an arrest, and they do not even care if they handle the arrest properly, not their problem. <sigh>
    Being a nurse, I have seen and heard docs behind the scenes.and other nurses. It is scary.
    Youngest son had teachers far more difficult child than any of my kids, who had NO accountability, no sense of politeness, were NOT responsible people----and I have seen personally, more than a simple amount of teachers standing in front of classrooms talking on cells to their friends, checking personal email, swearing at students, calling students names, ridiculeing students- things that do not make the headlines.
    I no longer think my difficult child is in any minority.
    My kids have been with mentors thru WRAP and our county who became victims of domestic violence WHILE they had my kids with them. My kids have had respite providers who were active addicts-- and got caught altho when "I" complained, I was brushed off. I had county CPS workers TRY to force me to accept respite from a person I myself turned in to CPS for domestic violence that I myself witnessed.
    difficult children abound. It is a different world out there than the one I grew up in.
    The biggest lesson I now try to teach my kids is hey, be kind, be quiet out there in the world, ya never know who might decide to shoot you rather thna deal with you I think maybe now my kids save their sticking out their tongue for here at home, but rather than get mad, I stick mine back out at them.
    Sometimes I think my kids bring home the crummy behaviors so they don't exhibit them out in the world. I can say I am lucky and blessed, tho, becuz my oldest is now at the calmest most level headed than she ever has been.....and when I began to simply LOL or walk away from my husband when he is haveig an outburst-- they reduced. The are much shoorter, shorter lived, less ugly.
    and if I get frustrated with the constant low hum of a busy home, I call a time out for me-and I have been known to check out of the house for 18 hours, and go sleep in a hotel. Where do I get the money? (becuz we live on soc sec disability and have for the last 20 yrs?) I warn them first, I am useing our grocery money------I need a little more quiet, and I WILL go sleep in a hotel. ANd yup- thats what I sometimes do. I am not on strike, it is not to try to change their behavior, it is simply providing ME with what I need at that moment.
  14. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I hear you! My husband says things like, "I can live like this anymore," and I have to laugh. Is there any alternative?
    I am fortunate for the few good moments but they are becoming fewer and farther between.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    you sound tired and frustrated. I hope you find a way to recharge your batteries. I was laughing to myself about the comment "If the kids and the stress went away I would probably die from lack of it." I can tell you when Dude left for Department of Juvenile Justice, then the group home I had almost a year of peace and quiet and my psychiatrist accused me of creating my own chaos so i could feel normal. While I was somewhere between offended and epiphany - I learned to stop a lot of self-destructive behaviors, take time for myself despite the war that ranges on with difficult child's immaturity.

    I learned how to relax, how to communicate better, how to put myself in my kids shoes - and react accordingly. It helped me immensely. Sometimes how I said things wasn't as important as what i said. (yes I meant to write it that way)

    Some days I think I would have cried if anyone had been kind to me just a little. Those days I came here - wrote a vent - got some replies, advice, love, hugs and laughter - and regrouped.

    Vent away oh non-vented woman. I used to look up at the sky and say "You know - I think i could deal with him if he was JUST behaviorally challenged but you just HAD to put encopretic in there for me to totally loose my mind, didn't you. DIDN'T YOU????" and God remained silent.

    Now at 17 - I don't have the encopretic thing to deal with and I try to remember the days I stood in the back yard laughing at God for thinking I was such a mother to handle what I thought I could not, but did handle.

    Now I stand in the yard and look up and say "Okay can we re-negotiate that request? I mean he's not encopretic anymore - How about good behavior?" and still - I laugh.....and still God remains mostly silent.

    I too hate the parent I had to be to deal with a difficult child - I wanted to be JUST MOM like everyone else. Somedays I feel like Molly Brown on the Titanic - except when they said Women AND children - I'd opt for the lifeboat with just WOMEN.

    HANG TOUGH - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. (We'll send the men in the white coats to get you soon)

  16. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I couldn't have said it better, Star. I, too, almost cry if there's one person who is kind to me. I always think...gee, that person must have not known what they were doing (lol). I see people shy away from me when they find out I'm D's mother. I do my very best with him....if they only knew.

    I was so angry at difficult child this morning by the time he got on the bus.....then as he was walking down the sidewalk he turned and said, "Mom, you WILL be at the concert this afternoon, won't you?" (He plays the trumpet.) What could I say??? He hurts me so badly and childishly, I want to "get even". Of course I'll be there. I always have been and I always will be......but I have a lot of pain in my heart. I'm at a place in my life that I don't trust anyone; not difficult child, not husband, not my non-friends, no one. I don't need anymore therapists (they haven't helped) and I'm already on an AD. DARN....I sure wish one of you lived next door to me!!! Would you come to my Tuesday Pity Party? I promise not to have another anytime soon. :laughing:
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I will throw you a pity party Pam -

    You have every right to be tired, angry, hurt, and you are NOT alone in the I want to get even department. Since therapists don't work for you - how about parenting classes? It's like having US close enough to visit and being able to know you aren't in the boat alone.

    They are all over - although they don't widely advertise because well - you'd get all sorts of nuts who thought they had problems with their kids - like - I can't get her to take advanced calculus =she wants to take honors Spanish. (I swear I have a friend like this who thinks this is the end of the world) - Some days when I hear her complaining - about her REBELLIOUS teen, I'd like to "get even" with her. lol - like HERE TAKE MY KID FOR A DAY - She said OKAY - and I let her have him -

    She returned him at the end of the night - and even with all her fantastical, phenomenal, stupendous suggestions and mad skillz.....she was at a loss to offer further suggestions as to how I could be a "(hands in the air making air quotations)" better parent. Then I noticed my name on the prayer list the following Sunday at church - (I still get a kick out of that one)

    Then i added - I guess God knew what he was doing after all when he gave that one to me - and she said - I guess my life isn't all that bad with (daughter) and her daughter came over and gave me a hug and said "Miss Star -you're so cool, you get kids." (and I always thought HER Mom was the top Mom I ever knew) whoda thunk.

    Keep an eye out for your party.....must go plan things

  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I totally know Tuesday Pity Party Day!!! It comes frequently for me.

    Hang in there. I know how hard it is - we all know how hard it is.
    Sending many hugs. I wish I had wisdom - but I don't. Just keep fighting the good fight, and someday it will get easier. Someday.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey, I am right there at the Tuesday Pity Party. Maybe we should schedule them regularly? We could all vent, support each other, and drink lots of HMJ!!!

    I am so sorry. You sound so very stressed. Star had some great points. I knwo haw hard it is to have your son take the consequences and repeat the behavior anyway. At age 2 we knew difficult child had something in him that didn't work well. He put his hand on a friend's stove THREE times - on the burner! She had it off, had told him to stay away from it (her kids actually DO what she says, like stay away it will hurt you!) and then had to go to the bathroom.

    He screamed, but kept reaching up to put his hand on it. And there are so many many more times this happened.

    Take some time for you. Insist on a little respect, and just hang in there.

    It is good you are going to the concert. Our kids live through so much chaos (mostly that they create) and they have to know we will ALWAYS be there. It is our only hope to reach them sometimes.



    ps. I just got a killer recipe for an ice cream cake, anybody want me to make a couple for the pity party??
  20. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I VOTE FOR ICE CREAM CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!