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I have a heavy heart... (sorry long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 193163" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>He may have had something special planned. For the entire afternoon, he was anticipating your visit. And you never showed.</p><p></p><p>Or was he just wanting to know where you were and what you were doing?</p><p></p><p>Two different directions my thoughts are taking - </p><p></p><p>1) he cares about you, he was hurt, and the petulant, childish side of him (we all have this) wanted to show you how it felt. And now he's succeeded in getting the message through to you (because you've apologised, over and over) he could be feeling a bit ashamed of himself for being so childish - or he could be feeling a bit more powerful, that he managed to control you more than he thought he ever could.</p><p></p><p>OR</p><p></p><p></p><p>2) He's a control freak, also very suspicious. He kept badgering you for a REAL explanation of why you didn't go over to visit, and wasn't really satisfied when you just insisted that you'd got yourself caught up in completing your maths work. His reaction to your continued insistence is a sort of, "Well, if you say so," but I don't think he believes you. And THAT is why he was so distant, and wanting to make a point about it with, "Have you noticed I'm a bit distant today?" which is REALLY childish. However, if he is justifying it to himself by thinking that YOU were childish first (by not telling him your real reason for not visiting) then there still is a wedge between you.</p><p></p><p>If he suspects you of sneaking around and being dishonest - then it's an indication that HE is actually likely to do that (which is why he suspects it in everyone else - because 'isn't EVERYONE like this?')</p><p></p><p>If he is so insecure that he HAS to know where you are and what you're doing, then there are problems.</p><p></p><p>If you HAD said to him, "Sorry, I'm going to have to work on my homework. I don't know how long I'll be with it; if I finish it early I'll ring you and maybe we can do something then," what would he have done? Would he have gone out on his own? Or would he have waited for your call? Or would he have said, "Maybe I'll come and visit you instead, I could help you with your maths."</p><p></p><p>Really, this should be no big deal. It does seem to have blown up out of proportion, because he won't accept your explanation. I think that is why you kept apologising over and over - because you sensed his disbelief.</p><p></p><p>So for now - the subject should be closed. Give him space. I wouldn't be insisting on an apology from him, but only because the subject should now be forever closed. </p><p></p><p>However, if he brings it up again, you should say, "I have already apologised for that. There must be some reason you won't let it go - is it possible that you don't believe me when I said it was simply me losing track of time while working on my maths? Why do you not believe me? What do you think I was doing instead?"</p><p></p><p>and take it from there.</p><p></p><p>If he believes you were using the time to go meet someone else, then you could have just said to him, "Sorry, I don't want to come over this afternoon, I'm really tired and I just want to get some rest." </p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if he beleives you were out with someone else. Maybe he saw someone who lookedl ike you, or someone else saw someone who looked like you, and they've told him. His waiting in all afternoon to no avail could have been flared up by even more resentment if someone said to him, "Of course she didn't want to visit, she was out with her friends at the cafe," or whatever, and you won't admit to 'the truth' (in his mind).</p><p></p><p>What I'm saying here - either he's playing childish games for no reason (and the sooner you find out he's a brat, the better) or someone is messing with his head and trying to cause trouble between you. Or he's just had a petulant moment (or few days).</p><p></p><p>So - give him space, do your own thing, then when you next talk, this subject should be closed.</p><p></p><p>But keep your eyes open, go carefully, don't let him play mind games with you again.</p><p></p><p>If he ever implies he doesn't believe you, or distrusts you - call him on it, immediately. You can do it politely, there's no need to be aggressive about it. But it's easy to say, "You seem to have a problem with this. Will you tell me what it is?"</p><p>He then has the choice to face his own fears, or continue to play silly games.</p><p></p><p>I hope this sorts itself out for you. A partner who only SEEMS perfect but who really has feet of clay, is worse than no partner. But even the best partner will at times have times of resentment and insecurity. Only you can find out which it is.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 193163, member: 1991"] He may have had something special planned. For the entire afternoon, he was anticipating your visit. And you never showed. Or was he just wanting to know where you were and what you were doing? Two different directions my thoughts are taking - 1) he cares about you, he was hurt, and the petulant, childish side of him (we all have this) wanted to show you how it felt. And now he's succeeded in getting the message through to you (because you've apologised, over and over) he could be feeling a bit ashamed of himself for being so childish - or he could be feeling a bit more powerful, that he managed to control you more than he thought he ever could. OR 2) He's a control freak, also very suspicious. He kept badgering you for a REAL explanation of why you didn't go over to visit, and wasn't really satisfied when you just insisted that you'd got yourself caught up in completing your maths work. His reaction to your continued insistence is a sort of, "Well, if you say so," but I don't think he believes you. And THAT is why he was so distant, and wanting to make a point about it with, "Have you noticed I'm a bit distant today?" which is REALLY childish. However, if he is justifying it to himself by thinking that YOU were childish first (by not telling him your real reason for not visiting) then there still is a wedge between you. If he suspects you of sneaking around and being dishonest - then it's an indication that HE is actually likely to do that (which is why he suspects it in everyone else - because 'isn't EVERYONE like this?') If he is so insecure that he HAS to know where you are and what you're doing, then there are problems. If you HAD said to him, "Sorry, I'm going to have to work on my homework. I don't know how long I'll be with it; if I finish it early I'll ring you and maybe we can do something then," what would he have done? Would he have gone out on his own? Or would he have waited for your call? Or would he have said, "Maybe I'll come and visit you instead, I could help you with your maths." Really, this should be no big deal. It does seem to have blown up out of proportion, because he won't accept your explanation. I think that is why you kept apologising over and over - because you sensed his disbelief. So for now - the subject should be closed. Give him space. I wouldn't be insisting on an apology from him, but only because the subject should now be forever closed. However, if he brings it up again, you should say, "I have already apologised for that. There must be some reason you won't let it go - is it possible that you don't believe me when I said it was simply me losing track of time while working on my maths? Why do you not believe me? What do you think I was doing instead?" and take it from there. If he believes you were using the time to go meet someone else, then you could have just said to him, "Sorry, I don't want to come over this afternoon, I'm really tired and I just want to get some rest." I'm wondering if he beleives you were out with someone else. Maybe he saw someone who lookedl ike you, or someone else saw someone who looked like you, and they've told him. His waiting in all afternoon to no avail could have been flared up by even more resentment if someone said to him, "Of course she didn't want to visit, she was out with her friends at the cafe," or whatever, and you won't admit to 'the truth' (in his mind). What I'm saying here - either he's playing childish games for no reason (and the sooner you find out he's a brat, the better) or someone is messing with his head and trying to cause trouble between you. Or he's just had a petulant moment (or few days). So - give him space, do your own thing, then when you next talk, this subject should be closed. But keep your eyes open, go carefully, don't let him play mind games with you again. If he ever implies he doesn't believe you, or distrusts you - call him on it, immediately. You can do it politely, there's no need to be aggressive about it. But it's easy to say, "You seem to have a problem with this. Will you tell me what it is?" He then has the choice to face his own fears, or continue to play silly games. I hope this sorts itself out for you. A partner who only SEEMS perfect but who really has feet of clay, is worse than no partner. But even the best partner will at times have times of resentment and insecurity. Only you can find out which it is. Marg [/QUOTE]
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