i have a plan

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 26, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi to everyone,

    hope that everyone's weekend is going well. i wanted to share my plan for not only myself but for my girls.

    i know that some of my posts struck some emotion in some people, rightfully so. that's what's so wonderful about being here is that there hasn't been a day when someone's posts don't touch me, where i find myself doing something far away from my computer and think of that person and what their going through. this is a very cool forum to be in :)

    anyway with that being said i got moving today, wanted to couch it but knew me better and it makes me feel good when i accomplish stuff. so off i went to file my taxes, and buy food, drop my daughter off the older one with her friends, bought a new shirt for myself, etc. then i came home had a quiet dinner alone, watched top gun love that movie and did some quiet Jen thinking.

    i've unfortunately as i'm sure we all have, have had my share of abusive relationships starting with good old dad......moving onto my ex (cliche marrying my dad). my ex was verbally abusive very badly towards end of our marriage i had to build myself back up after that toxic union it took a bit of time.

    so, i am getting back a nice amt. of money this year i used her medical bills as deduction.:) yea me......i thought initially id pay off alot of my debt and save nothing. then i thought better that won't build me back up, sure the creditors will be smiling but i can achieve a better credit score by paying it off slowly.

    so here's what i'm going to do.....

    continue to harrass columbia for my daughters evaluation to hopefull finally get an answer, if i don't get a return call she'll go to other visit i set up with neuropysch on feb. 8th. (need to get an answer for her) finally.

    i'm going to keep her on half dosage of abilify for now seems tobe helping somewhat so i;m not going to pull it

    i'm going to use half of my return to pay off debt the other half i'm saving and hiding ( i will then add to it slowly with each passing paycheck)

    i am going to slowly set up payment plans with each and every creditor hence builidng my score back again slowly i hope

    im going to spend a hundred dollars on me and join the gym down the block. i'm going to go for walks wtih the kids after dinner like i used to when we have the time. (where we used to live was so nice, it was a community i had so many friends we all did) there was always someone to talk to adn here i am isolate and ihate that. there was so great there was always someone to play softball with, or we used to have movie night my freinds and i with our kids and sit under this beautiufl tree drink wine the kids would watch movies and eat snacks most of our summer nights were spent that way. i had a life there here i do not.

    i've already contacted my therapist so she'll contact the pysch so i can go adn figure out exactly what's going o nwith me. meanwhile i'm going to pop a xanax whenever i need it wherever i am.

    i'm going to continue posting here way too much and venting and hopefully offering an ear to others.........

    i'm also going to look more closely at the relationship i am currently in everyday though, and question. there have been "rough" moments but at this time i cannot say without a doubt if it is due to what i am going thru with-my little one, or if its solely him. i have had truly chaotic moments where i push hard. pls. do not misunderstand what i am saying i think every woman should expect complete respect from a man and also our girls view this and will learn how it is a man shoud or should not treat them. i am not confused i know i deserve nothing but the best in a relationship. he may or may not be it. point being is when i figure that out at least the wheels will already be turning and i will be moving in an upward position towards financially solvency and independence again.

    so i'm going to play nice with him i've since learned some of the accusations i made and things i accused him of regarding other woman were let's just say not true on any level. this was a friendship he's had since he was 20 years old, she is in her own relationship and neither wants anything more than a friendship. i'm going to make an effort which i'm not sure i've ever truly made in this relationship which by the way is soo new. we've been hit with stresses since beginning. so i do think i owe it a few months of me putting effort into it to truly determine if i belong here or not.

    ok so that's that. i figured id share that since all of you were kind enough to take the time to read my posts and offer support. it is appreciated more than you know.

    lots of hugs
    Jen :)
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It really sounds as though you are making some conscious decisions based on where you want to be. It sounds like you have learned some new things and are going to try to build a strong and healthy life for yourself.

    It sounded before like your wheels were "stuck" and you were just spinning them. Now it sounds like you are "present" in your life, and willing to work to make it what you want it to be.

    This is a really hard thing to do, and I think it is wonderful that you have a plan and are trying to be responsible and realistic about your life and relationships.


  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Yes I have and I will move forward everyday with this promise to myself. I simply miss me, the happy go lucky person I was who looked at stars only a year ago, and found happiness in sitting under a tree with my little girl watching movies in the dark.

    Blow drying my hair in the morning used to make me happy.....LOL :) that's how simplistic i am or rather was. yet this pressure has clouded the waters and yes left me spinning my wheels in the sand missing the life i dont have, missing the life we did have. Hating some past decisions i've made and beating myself up for them. Wishing I had a supportive family a safe place to crash, etc. Which only lead me down a very dark and sad road.

    I'm by no means "fixed", it's going to take time and thought.

    I just wanted everyone to know that nothing fell on deaf ears i heard it all. The type of person I am now is i listen i move away a little re think than come closer again with hopefully a better understanding.

    i want so much for my girls, so very much. Time is running out it feels so i need to move quickly to hopefully give them the stability they deserve and find a solution for my little person which is my first and foremost concern beyond getting me ok.

    Jen :)
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Now, that's a healthy sounding post. :flower:

    I'm glad you're getting back up to par.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I am thanks. there's well something that happened this week, had nothing to do with boyfriend or little one's issue that caught me by surprise and threw me completely off.

    i figured out today for the most part what i have to finally do. in the mist of dealing with rin's issues, and everything else my father called me out of the blue. i haven't seen him since i was 16. I left there it's another state because there was abuse. needless to say i have dealt with it for years although it has haunted me. i was in a rough spot this week and his call threw me right over. i think i'm giong on a little trip xanax in hand to finally put this to rest as well for myself.

    Jen :)