I have had it!!

[Jungleland]

Hi family,

This will be a vent, so you are forewarned!

This past weekend, I had Aly here alot, on and off. She started out respectful and we were having a good time. But then, lunch time came and I have next to no $ so it was PB&J's and apples here at home, picnic style. J loved it and was having a good time, going back and forth to the kiddy pool and back to our "picnic".

Aly went on an eating strike. (she is 123 lbs and 5'3" so she would NOT die of starvation missing a meal!) She wanted take out for lunch and had a flipping fit, about an hour long! Scared J, and my nieces and nephews. I called H and he was on the riding mower and refused to come get her, so I had my brother in law help me get her into my car and he drove her over to H's with me.

H refused to believe that Aly was misbehaving so horridly. brother in law told him all she said, I just stood there with my mouth open, not saying a word. I just got back into my car and brother in law drove me back home. I cried on and off all that day.

H and I talked on Sunday, he needed me to watch her, he had some meeting he needed to go to. I said NO WAY, I will not allow her to treat me that way again. He said he was shocked that I am being that way with my own daughter. How could I be so cruel and unfeeling, blah blah blah. I said I had to go and hung up. He called back, I let my machine pick up and he said he couldn't believe I was so unloving to Aly, so strict, so mean!

I am NOT mean, but I am strict, if I am not, she walks all over me. He just gives in to her, "basket C's" everything that doesn't cause blood or death. I will no longer take her "stuff", I deserve better than that from someone I fought for for soooo long. I love her, so very much and this whole thing is killing me inside, but I don't know what else to do.

On Monday, while he was at work, I went to his/our place and emptied out all J's and my clothes, took a dresser I needed, got all the rest of J's toys. Left a note that I need time and not to call me for a while please.

So, Aly IM'd me this evening about a talent show she is trying out for and wanting an immediate answer about whether I was going to go to the show. I wrote that I would try my very hardest, but I could not promise. H called immediately and left a very rude message that once again I was proving that I have "given up" on Aly and him. I called him back and said that I did not appreciate his comments and things I say to Aly have NO bearing on him!

I just don't know what to do anymore. Seems whatever I do, it's the wrong thing. I give up!

Thanks for reading,
Vickie

 

[Abbey]

Awww...Vickie. Don't have words of wisdom. Geez, I wish I did.

If you need time out, take it. Everyone needs it now and then and don't feel bad about doing it.

Abbey

 

[Hound dog]

Vickie

(((((hugs))))))

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Not a fun place to be.

You do what is best for you and J. Letting Aly walk all over you wouldn't bring peace, it would just wind up even worse. H will figure this out eventually. He just hasn't gotten to that point yet. But when Aly can't direct her stuff at you, and when H grows tired of giving in to her to keep her happy, she's gonna blow on him too. Only it'll be worse because he's been catering to her all this time. She's come to expect him to give in.

I know that doesn't help in the Now though.

Hang in there.

 

[KTMom91]

I wish I had an answer for you...but all I have are hugs and a shoulder. You are doing what is best for you and J. And the reason H wants you to be wrong? It's because he has to be right. Stay strong.

 

[trinityroyal]

Vickie, I'm sorry to hear that H is continuing to enable Aly's horrible treatment of you.
You are perfectly right to stand your ground and refuse to be treated that way. It does no good for you or J, or ultimately, for Aly.

Daisylover and KTMom are right. There will be a point when H doesn't cater to Aly about something, and the blowback will not be pretty.

Sending many gentle {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Trinity

 

[Star*]

My question back to your husband would be:

You think I gave up on Aly, our daughter. But I'd like to know at what point you gave up on Vicky, your wife? Had you stood by me in my decisions to raise Aly in a manner that curbs undesirable behaviors and allows her to grow and mature with coping skills she will need later in life - YOU wouldn't have taken Aly's side over mine. You instead would have backed ME up and created a unified front, to what I know is the right way to handle a child with emotional disabilities.

Since you didn't have any respect for me, I find it increasingly harder to have respect for you and what YOU are ultimately doing to Aly. She's not going to learn a THING from your behavior plan because the only GOAL you have with her life and behavior is to keep her calm for the moment. You are enabling her to grow up to be unfit for the world. Since there is no convincing you or compromise on our parenting - I left. I will not continue to live in a house where a child treats me like Aly does and a husband who allows those behaviors to go on.
I do love her, I do love you - but along with love I need to be respected. Since I was not? I left.

It may be cute or semi-work at age 10, but at 16,17 20 years old? People in the outside world aren't going to think her behavior is cute, they will think she has problems, shy away from her and she's going to end up lonely, dysfunctional and twice as frustrated as she is now. If you think that's all a bunch of balogna, then look at how she's permitted to treat her own MOTHER and tell me - please tell me if she's allowed to walk on her OWN Mother without any backing or correction from her FAHTER- HOW IN THE WORLD do you expect her to treat the rest of the world? Because the minute you stop giving in to her, and allowing her to have her way husband - she'll behave the same with you.

And in the end - you've actually chosen our daughter OVER your wife. That's something I refuse to live with. That's why I'm not living there. That's why I don't allow Aly to bully me and terrorize J. That's why I am not there to BE her mother. Because you wouldn't allow me to be her Mother - you wanted me to be her friend, and that's not my job. It's not yours either. Your job was to be her Father. While you think that's the role you are providing for Aly I disagree, and thus will remain outside our marital home and continue to bring Aly back to you when she's disrespectful to me. It's the only way you are allowing me to Mother her, and I am being forced to mother my child from a distance. Sad really.

(Vickie - that's just how I would feel)

I'm so sorry for you!
Hugs
Star

 

[crazymama30]

Wow, star. Well put.

 

[Jungleland]

Star,

You nailed it! I just may copy and paste your post and email it to H. It is EXACTLY what is going on and how he makes me feel. But when I am "in the moment" I can't come up with the words I need and either scream at him or just shut down, and I have been shutting down wayyyy to long.

Star, you always know the right thing to say at the right time. I am sitting here with tears of relief rolling down my cheeks. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are one special person!!!

Love you,
Vickie

 

[Abbey]

Wow, star. Well put.

Ditto.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

Vickie,

You're welcome. Thank you!