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I hung up on him
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 636212" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think about it differently.</p><p></p><p>I used to see my son at age five or ten when I thought about him, even when he was a grown up. But he is a man. All of your difficult children are men who are old enough to fight in the military, be in full time college, and be respectable young adults rather than drug addicts, liars, thieves and criminals. This includes my son.</p><p></p><p>Would you put up with that kind of talk or demands from your spouse, your sister, anyone else but your grown up child, who is a man? If not, I think it is perfectly normal to NOT feel badly about hanging up on them when they are being abusive or acting like they are incapable of working or talking as if THEY are not responsible for their situation, as if they ARE still ten years old.</p><p></p><p>My son has guidelines that I strictly abide by in order for him to be able to talk to me. Here they are or he knows I will gently hang up and not really feel bad about it...not anymore. I'm through letting ANYONE disrespect me, including him, who I have done so much for. Enough is enough. Here are my rules.</p><p></p><p>1/I will talk to you as long as you speak to me with the same level of respect I talk to you. No raised voice. No swearing directly at me (swear words are ok in general). You raise your voice at me...I'm not your doormat to scream at...I gently hang up immediately and do not answer again until I feel ready. That can be hours or days. And if he continues from where he left off, I hang up again and this time it's days.</p><p></p><p>2/You may not ask me for anything more expensive than moral support and love, which I will freely give. But money, no. Although he makes a good living, he has no problem asking my ex for thousands of dollars and often my ex gives it to him. It's rather sad, but it's between them. My son, because he makes a good living, would say something demeaning if offered twenty dollars or possibly even five hundred dollars. He considers that chickenfeed and "cheap." If my ex could only hear the tricks difficult child comes up with to get money out of him, he'd...well, he'd probably still give him the money. He must know. Again, though, I do not interfere. It is between them. If my son asks ME for anything involving $$$, I hang up gently.</p><p></p><p>3/He can not play the "its' your fault" game with me. *click*</p><p></p><p>What he can do is engage me in an Adult-Adult relationship with give and take. Actually, there is never give and take. He just monologues about himself, however, if it isn't abusive or he doesn't have his hand out, I will listen. If he wants to complain about work or the horrible state of dating at his age (gee, wonder why he can't get the nice girl!), I will listen because it is not abusive to me. He can vent, even if I do get bored. I don't chime in with advice. He tends to yell if I express my opinion, so I go, "Uh-huh" "I see" "sounds sad" "I'm sure you can work it out. You're smart."</p><p></p><p>Until we take back our power, we are locked in a sick embrace with an adult child who isn't a very nice person and doesn't care much about us unless he/she needs something. It is heartbreaking to acknowledge what our adult children are really like, but once we do, I feel it is easier to move on and set boundaries. in my opinion anyone with a difficult child who is mean to us needs therapy to learn how to change the abusive relationship so that we feel empowered and self-respected.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion never give a difficult child a blank moneycard. They can buy anything then take it back, get cash for drugs etc. Pay a restaurant directly over the phone. Pay the hotel directly over the phone. Etc. I mean, that's just my opinion. I don't believe in putting any kind of money into the hands of a difficult child, especially if the difficult child uses drugs.</p><p></p><p>You are hno longer your son's mommy. You are his mother. You are both adults. We can treat them like adults or it is possible that, with their persoanlities, they will act like Sad Little Boy Pouting forever and that's not good. They may act that way forever anyway, but we can try. We don't have to encourage them to stay emotionally ten years old.</p><p></p><p>Hugs!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 636212, member: 1550"] I think about it differently. I used to see my son at age five or ten when I thought about him, even when he was a grown up. But he is a man. All of your difficult children are men who are old enough to fight in the military, be in full time college, and be respectable young adults rather than drug addicts, liars, thieves and criminals. This includes my son. Would you put up with that kind of talk or demands from your spouse, your sister, anyone else but your grown up child, who is a man? If not, I think it is perfectly normal to NOT feel badly about hanging up on them when they are being abusive or acting like they are incapable of working or talking as if THEY are not responsible for their situation, as if they ARE still ten years old. My son has guidelines that I strictly abide by in order for him to be able to talk to me. Here they are or he knows I will gently hang up and not really feel bad about it...not anymore. I'm through letting ANYONE disrespect me, including him, who I have done so much for. Enough is enough. Here are my rules. 1/I will talk to you as long as you speak to me with the same level of respect I talk to you. No raised voice. No swearing directly at me (swear words are ok in general). You raise your voice at me...I'm not your doormat to scream at...I gently hang up immediately and do not answer again until I feel ready. That can be hours or days. And if he continues from where he left off, I hang up again and this time it's days. 2/You may not ask me for anything more expensive than moral support and love, which I will freely give. But money, no. Although he makes a good living, he has no problem asking my ex for thousands of dollars and often my ex gives it to him. It's rather sad, but it's between them. My son, because he makes a good living, would say something demeaning if offered twenty dollars or possibly even five hundred dollars. He considers that chickenfeed and "cheap." If my ex could only hear the tricks difficult child comes up with to get money out of him, he'd...well, he'd probably still give him the money. He must know. Again, though, I do not interfere. It is between them. If my son asks ME for anything involving $$$, I hang up gently. 3/He can not play the "its' your fault" game with me. *click* What he can do is engage me in an Adult-Adult relationship with give and take. Actually, there is never give and take. He just monologues about himself, however, if it isn't abusive or he doesn't have his hand out, I will listen. If he wants to complain about work or the horrible state of dating at his age (gee, wonder why he can't get the nice girl!), I will listen because it is not abusive to me. He can vent, even if I do get bored. I don't chime in with advice. He tends to yell if I express my opinion, so I go, "Uh-huh" "I see" "sounds sad" "I'm sure you can work it out. You're smart." Until we take back our power, we are locked in a sick embrace with an adult child who isn't a very nice person and doesn't care much about us unless he/she needs something. It is heartbreaking to acknowledge what our adult children are really like, but once we do, I feel it is easier to move on and set boundaries. in my opinion anyone with a difficult child who is mean to us needs therapy to learn how to change the abusive relationship so that we feel empowered and self-respected. in my opinion never give a difficult child a blank moneycard. They can buy anything then take it back, get cash for drugs etc. Pay a restaurant directly over the phone. Pay the hotel directly over the phone. Etc. I mean, that's just my opinion. I don't believe in putting any kind of money into the hands of a difficult child, especially if the difficult child uses drugs. You are hno longer your son's mommy. You are his mother. You are both adults. We can treat them like adults or it is possible that, with their persoanlities, they will act like Sad Little Boy Pouting forever and that's not good. They may act that way forever anyway, but we can try. We don't have to encourage them to stay emotionally ten years old. Hugs!!!! [/QUOTE]
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