i just dont' know

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Feb 6, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    this is a whole lot. easy child's truly out of control, yelling each day, screaming at difficult child, stole things from her room while we were gone. her mattress, mirror, garbage pale, jewelry.


    the environment she is creating is horrifying for all of us. husband is also being difficult. i dont' know what the answer is. i knew coming back would be rough yet this is beyond my abilities. portland was far better and that was really hard.

    there is so much going on here with-all of them. i just wanna leave. i'm so tired of being the glue i am.

    easy child is just so incredibly angry. she knows she has me over a barrel because i don't want her to upset difficult child and blow up infront of her. so she prods me etc. i dont' even engage yet still she blows. i love her yet i'm not sure if i can continue living with her. sounds horrible i know.

    i dont' know what the answer is yet the thought of how many more years with her i dont' know if i can hack it.

    i get she's hurting over difficult child yet this isn't right. cursing yelling putting me down attacking difficult child verbally. nothing i say helps she just escalates higher.

    husband is so incredibly needy, our relationship has taken such a tole from this. the man was packing his bags last night. their sitting in the closet now. his new coping skill when mad at me to pack and say he's leaving. i told him if you really want to go than go. so unhealthy all of it. thank god the kids were sound asleep doors closed. yes they heard nothing. i gurantee it.

    yet how do i fix all these ppl, why is this my job? i just want to have a life at this point to some small extent. i keep telling myself just hold that head up it'll be ok you can do this. yet i'm getting to that point again and amazingly fast where i'm like somebody's gotta go.

    i dont' know who yet this isn't working.
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Jen, I don't thibnk you can fix all of it on your own- I think the entire family is involved in these dynamics. But you can change how you, yourself, are reacting to it. Your easy child is manipulating you by knowing you don't want difficult child upset and you're letting her get by with too much to prevent a blowup, IMHOO- she will continue to raise the stakes as long as this works. Why don't you spend a little time alone and think some more about those convictions you established for yourself in Oregon. You have thought about all you want to get in place for difficult child, now follow thru with some things for yourself- it all can't revolve around difficult child, remember? Then find some way to deal with the marital issues- maybe marriage counseling instead of individual counseling for everyone. Maybe a date night once a week or every two weeks- just the two of you alone. The dynamics for the whole family and each member of it need to change, in my humble opinion, and they won't change until someone starts redefining boundaries.It's not your fault and not all your responsibility to fix it but it sure doesn't sound like anyone else will be the one to take initiative to change it. But it will take effort from everyone to get things turned around. Don't fall back into every waking moment being spent dealing with each person and trying to get them to do what it takes to keep difficult child stable by negotiating things like being treated with respect.
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Jena, you've got ALOT of things going on over there and I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed. I don't know if I could take care of all that you have to take care of.

    My opinion on husband is that he knew what he was getting in to. You two were together for a long time before you got married. He knew that difficult child was a difficult child. While her behavior has gotten much worse since you got married, he still knew what he was getting. I understand that he wants and craves time with you and you alone. You're still newlyweds. This should be a time of happiness. But he has to work with what you have, and while it's not perfect, it's what you've got. It's time for him to take his lemons and find a way to make some lemonade. If he's going to threaten to leave when evey the pressure ramps up he's helping no one. He's adding to the problems that already exist.

    As for easy child, is she ever calm enough that you can talk to her, or does she always end up screaming at you? Is she taking any medications to help her stabilize her moods? Is she willing to see a therapist? It sounds like she is doing this at this time because of all of the time that difficult child takes up. She's looking for attention, too. I guess she feels that negative attention is better than no attention at all. I have no other advice on her. It sounds like she needs something to take the edge off of her anger and resentment. Can she write about what she is feeling? Sometimes that helps difficult child get out what he's really trying to say.

    How is difficult child doing now that you are home? Is she eating? Has she done any back sliding?

    Pam
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    When does the new team start coming in?
     
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending many hugs.....
    Why is husband wanting to leave? What is he unhappy about? The same things you are unhappy about, or is he wanting something specifically from you?
    I imagine easy child is angry that difficult child has gotten so much attention, but I am sure that will pass soon. I also particularly think that you cannot shield difficult child from easy child. It is what it is, and they are sisters. They have to work out their sister dynamics on their own to some extent, despite difficult children disabilities. If you are constantly trying to jump in and smooth things over, or run defense, in the long run you are going to make things worse.
    In some regards, it appears, and only from my way removed outside view, that you are over invested in everyone's happiness. If everyone is yelling at each other, go take a walk, and let them work it out. If easy child is yelling at you, set a consequence. If she is yelling at difficult child, let them work it out. Otherwise you are the consumate enabler, which only creates more dysfunction.
    Many hugs!! Hang in there.
     
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I have another suggestion. When everyone levels off a bit, why not take both of the girls to the therapist so that they can work out some of their differences, or anger with each other, in a neutral setting? I started do this a little with with difficult child and easy child. It's still pretty new for them so I can't say that I see any huge difference in how they treat each other, but it might work.

    Pam
     
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Is there any way that you can set up some type of counseling that will involve the whole family? There's so many different dynamics going on there and it seems like that would do a lot more good than everyone going separately. It also looks like you've got three people all pulling you in different directions, all wanting 100% of your attention, all wanting your life to revolve solely around THEM! Maybe your husband is only wanting his fair share of your attention but he's going about it in the wrong way. He should be part of the solution and instead he's now part of the problem. And your easy child is at an age when she should be moving forward in a positive direction and becoming more independent, and instead she's acting like a child.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending hugs your way. Your easy child and my easy child/difficult child sound a lot alike. I think the idea of family counseling is a good one. This summer I may try for us. Right now between their own therapist and psychiatrist appts there is literally no time!
     
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks. i've had the day to calm down. driving is huge for me i love the open road. so the hr and a half there was a quiet one, difficult child set up the third row with her junk which was cute. easy child put her ipod on thank god.

    it is alot. and with-o supports of my own in place very challenging.

    easy child is angry, real angry about difficult child she's verbalizing more now when yelling. how difficult child doesn't have chores, she gets away with this that and the other. she doesn't really yet it's how she views it. she didn't have the chance to have a normal life due to difficult child. we all know the deal. yet life gave us this wonderfully complicated child who has challenged easy child and i to our very core for years together the 3 of us.

    therapy as i said will take place for easy child as soon as second half of pysch evaluation is complete and medications are in place. meanwhile her yelling venting etc.. yes i did tell her today either calm down or you lose basement because i had no choice. yet i gotta admit i get it i too feel cheated at times of my life due to difficult child. i love her yet we all know the life we lead due to our difficult child's its hard.

    difficult child i'm happy to say is pushing buttons and yes being her usual difficult child self at times yet she's eating. each meal. not completion yet enough to sustain the 106 lbs we are up to now. the medication is helping with her anxiety and also with-sleep as is the tshirt sprayed with my perfume. she yells at night yet after 15 min gives up. my door has been closed EACH NIGHT.

    husband well alot there. what guy does what he's done for this child with-o it being his own child? few would do it. i get that. fly across country for 1000k and help hold her down for a feeding tube for me than take 3 connecting flights back 3 days later becaues i wanted him for just another day. he's sweet, thoughtful the guy that sends a huge margarita glass full of flowers to a ronald mcdonald house for me. yet he's also a guy. if you know what i mean. he has some issues there, their personal with-o getting into detail and very needy in that way.

    if he doesn't "get it" he becomes upset feels unloved and is super needy in that area. we infact have an appointment on wed. for a therapist together. yet because difficult child is always here and we have zero time on his two days off due to having 4 kids home with-us. we gotta bring difficult child and leave her in the waiting room with-crayons. pathetic gotta bring a kid to a therapist's waiting room. OMG

    a date night would be great. we used to have one yet due to the business failing hes' had to take on more hours we can't afford to keep up with payroll so we lost our one and only free night together. we survive off midnights' at this point and mon and wed after 4 kids are put in bed which usually settles down by 10:30. so its' very hard.

    i knew i was walking into alot. yet it hit me like a ton of bricks today. i just sit shaking my head. i feel alone in it because husband is always working. so it's like being a single parent all the time. than mon and wed is a hit like you wouldn't believe 3 little kids in a small house and a rough teen. so we're so caught up in hw, making dinner for 6 and than cleaning up, and board game with-them or wii by end of night i'm kinda spent.

    i didnt' forget about me. yet we didnt' have the money this week for me to join anything and i can't take an add out for a friend lol. wish i could for difficult child and me! we start church next week hopefully she'll meet a kid there. still working on getting team in. we had to peds in the a.m. to get her heart and blood pressure and weight checked also to get referral for the mri for her for the constant bed wetting.

    i gotta go dogs are running around. that's another issue going to try one more approach with-the big dog if it doesn't work i have to find a home for him. he's become too much. i love him yet it's too much. i gotta simplify as much as i can now i think.

    thx :)
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know its very hard to deal with the constant chaos banging on you day in and day out. It just feels like ducks pecking you to death. Or water torture. I remember for so many years, Tony and I felt like we were just ships that crossed paths as we shuttled back and forth trying to take care of the kids and work. There was never any "me" time or "us" time. By the time we fell in bed at night, we were too tired to even look at each other much less do anything else in the bed! Im sure during the worst of times we probably went months on end without any...well...intimacy. We never talked about anything but schools, mental health issues, medications, or kid problems. Not to mention that half the time he was working out of town and I was holding down the fort alone praying he would come home every other weekend and I wouldnt kill one of the kids before he got home.

    Somehow we got through it. How I dont know. Sometimes I think we were just too darned stupid or stubborn to give up. Or maybe we just didnt know it was an option. I still havent found the return line to exchange malfunctioning kids. "This one is backtalking me, I would like a nicer model please."

    I think in your situation I would start to back away from being the be all and end all for everyone in the family. Everyone is actually old enough to do many things for themselves. Actually you and your husbands relationship should be the most important thing in your life because eventually the kids will grow up and leave home and all you will have is each other. So you must nurture your relationship if it is to survive. Doing that also teaches your children to build healthy relationships.

    Dr phil often says one person has to start with being the hero in the family and that can start the ball rolling. Wake up every morning thinking what is one thing I can do to make my husband's day better today? It doesnt have to be anything big. Just a kiss or a small note in his pocket. Maybe a cup of his favorite coffee waiting for him when he walks in the door late at night...or some cookies and milk. I bet he starts to think about doing the same for you.

    Do little unexpected things for the kids too. Stay out of all fights unless they draw blood. Brothers and sisters fight like...well siblings. That will end when they grow up. Im sure easy child is ticked off because of the attention difficult child gets and she is lashing out but eventually she is just going to have to get over herself because it will not be accepted in the real world. I would not allow constant spewing of garbage and would either fine her or send her to her room to spew to her mirror until she is sick of talking that way. The world doesnt want to hear it.

    difficult child needs to do her part by trying to start merge into the family by taking on as much as she can as fast as she can. She can certainly do small tasks such as pick up trash or dusting or bringing down her laundry. Even emptying the dishwasher wouldnt be too taxing. Or feeding the dogs.
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I wonder if you could do something off the wall with easy child next time she is yelling that she doesn't have a life and it is not fair? Yell back at her (easy child) that if anyone has a right to complain, yell and scream, it is YOU. You get first dibs on throwing a tantrum, easy child is not allowed to until you have had your tantrum. So she has to shut up and wait her turn. Take a number, easy child, and wait. Not your turn yet. It becomes your turn, easy child, when you have done what your mother has had to do. So shut up, put up with it, grow up and move out now, while you still know everything and are certain the world owes you everything purely for the delight of having you in it.

    Marg
     
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Keeping intimacy alive when you live in chaos, and are exhausted, is very difficult. Years ago I read an article written by a Mother with both physically and mentally disabled children. She and her husband came up with a creative and different solution. They set a mutually agreed upon schedule just for them...in the middle of the night. An alarm clock with a very soft sound was set two or three nights a week for 3 or 4 AM. She and her husband focused on each other for an hour (sometimes just sharing conversation and a shack) with no talk allowed about children. She swore that their bond reestablished itself in those few hours a week. According to her they soon learned how to fall back assleep and be refreshed in the morning. I thought it was creative. DDD
     
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, sweetie.

    Marg and I must be on the same wavelength, because I was thinking... Yell at easy child (not scream, LOL) that NO you DON'T want difficult child upset but if easy child keeps blowing up, SHE will be the one upsetting difficult child...
     
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Step, I think easy child already knows this and resents it. She knows that she has to not upset difficult child, but seems to me to be pushing buttons deliberately, to use this as leverage. "Give me what I want now (attention) or I will scream loud enough to upset difficult child." That's the problem. And easy child feels entitled to express her hurt, feels more entitled than anyone else in the house. That's why I suggested what I did - I've used the "take a number and wait" routine on my other kids before, when they began acting like only THEIR lives were being negatively impacted.

    I snapped difficult child 1 out of a suicidal funk one time by telling him why I also at times was suicidal; I said that I had to make a decision to not kill myself, so I could raise my family. I said that if anyone had the right to commit suicide first, it was me. So wait in line, boyo. I get to go first. it shocked him but also stopped him catastrophising in a negative spiral.


    DDD, you said,
    A SHACK?

    I can tell you, if I woke husband at 4 am, it wouldn't be conversation he was interested in... definitely shack.

    Marg
     
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Very funny, Marg. What can I say....my mind and my fingers are not in sync alot of the time.
    Snack. Snack. Snack. Yep......that's what I meant, lol. DDD
     
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member

    oh man i'm bringing this thread back to life. easy child was late to school yesterday, she woke up late. missed gym again that she is retaking due to failing last semester and if she doesn't pass wont' graduate, than today late again husband drove her. than last night cursed us out because we said please return difficult child's mirror, garbage pail, mattress, jewelry and everything else she stole when difficult child was in the hospital.

    tonight i make dinner tell her 6 is dinner. she walks in at 7. was at mall with-some new guy. didn't care. so now she's grounded. walk in from fighting with-dr. today to a note from cps yup their still on me, than a letter from water company a bill i gave husband before i left a mos ago minimal bill and said please dont' forget to pay this stating their shutting our water off. walk in to a mess from the two dogs. than difficult child refused to eat dinner tonight.

    oh yea and i went up to the restaurant today so difficult child could make a pizza there after dr. so i walk in and husband is cold as ice today barely grunts a hello and proceed to stand there cooking joking with his staff that he treats like his friends mistake number one that's why they steal from him, while i stand off to the side twidling my thumbs. than finishes and proceeds to stand there joking around with-them some more like i wasn't even there. he's done this before to me when he's working. i have no clue what' thats about besides being rude. than he caught look on my face and walked over. shouldnt' be that way married for just 7 mos i don't care what drama we have going on. so i told him you are rude bottom line.are you that infantile your trying to keep up a persona of the tough guy at work that you can't act happy when your wife who you watched a movie with last night unpacked your one stupid little bag he had in closet from night before and had coffee with today......

    ugh horrible day. i'm counting down till bedtime.
     
  17. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'd be hitting the sack early. *hugs* dearie.
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol no doubt i am shot and super reactive at this point. made that margarita i wanted and started to fall asleep after first three sips. :) long day, gotta recharge so i can do it all over again tmrw.

    no therapy for us tmrw. we had to cancel we can't swing the 250 she wanted for initial intake. ppl are crazy with-the amts of money their asking these days...... seriously. yes our marraige isnt' worth 250?!* husband was like umm are u kidding me?
     
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Check local churches for marital counseling, a lot of them offer it if you ask, and the hours tend to be more flexible.
     
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm sorry me and my sick sense of humor........... i just pictured husband and i sitting with-a reverend or a priest discussing our sex life or lack there of in husband's mind..... LOL
     
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