i just dont' know

[BusynMember]

Jena, I'm also one who tries to fix everybody and when I go into that mode...I get progressively more useless, although I'm trying hard to be helpful to everybody. I get so wound up that I practically get brain freeze and don't know what I'm doing and just can't do it anymore...so I have no choice but to take a break and let others take care of themselves or force husband to pitch in by not trying so hard anymore.

You can not possibly fix all of these people. You can not be a lay therapist to husband, easy child, and difficult child at the same time. You can not handle all of this without stressing yourself out so badly that you probably won't even make good choices anymore. Now I'm not you, so I'm not SURE you can't handle this, but I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. When I have ONE child upset, it takes up all my time. If I had to psychoanalyze three people at once and try to fix their mental health problems (without a degree) at one time, I couldn't do it. A few times I just lost it and got into my car and drove away, not sure where I was going, but not sure I wanted to go back. Of course, I did. When I got back, the house was quiet. Hub was done feeling sorry for himself. Daughter was sweet as pie. Son was helpful. And I saw that all of them could survive at least for short periods of time without my constant focus on them. The little drives were ME time in the middle of chaos. I stopped at the coffee shop and sat down. I read the newspaper to get my mind off my problems and see that there were other problems. I called a friend on my cell phone and there was no commotion in the background. Finally, I called husband and quietly asked him if it was time for me to come home yet....that I needed it to be peaceful, that I had feelings too, that I also had a breaking point.

If you have to spend all your time fixing everybody else, you probably will be less effective at it than if you forced others to take care of themselves. People tend to step up for themselves when they have to. At least husband and easy child probably can. You can not go on being all things to all people without taking good care of yourself as well. The first thing I'd do, if this were me is detach from husband's little tantrums. You don't need to be taking care of an adult. (((Hugs))). Hope things get better for you and I hope you understood what my post meant. It's still very early

 

[AnnieO]

Jena, I have to agree with MWM - I mutinied a while back - refused to do kids' appointments, school, etc. for husband - and he stepped in. Is it always on time? No. Are they healthy and okay? Yes (with issues, but being a day late isn't going to change or fix that).

I'm a fixer too. And I have to back down because my breaking point was really easy to get to for a while. And I'm really, really laid back!

 

[Mamaof5]

You know what the problem is? It's not your job to fix people. It's your job to support them in finding out how to fix themselves. The only person you can fix is you. You can't force them to want to fix it, you can't force them to change, you can't even give them an ultimatum to change. It just doesn't work. They have to want to.

It's your job to find resources for your kids, it's not your job to find resources for your husband though. It's your job to support your kids in all aspects, but not your job to change them or fix them. It's a frustrating circle of going around and around trying to draw that fine line of "am I trying to fix them" or "am I trying to support them".

The lines blurr often. If your husband is going to pull **** like that right now, in your shoes I'd be telling him get out now, get out before the door hits you on the bottom. I'd be telling him, stop acting like a child and man up. What is he a boy or a man? Needy, yeah we all are, suck it up - it's a crisis right now you'll get what you need when the kids have what they need first.

(I'm in my I'm a big "B" mood right now so if that was harsh...I apologize)

 

[pepperidge]

Jena,

at the risk of being unpopular I don't know anything about your husband. What has struck me in many of your posts is that he must be feeling incredibly financially stressed, he's working really long hours, and is he is stepping up to the plate to contribute to his step kids. Yeah, he may have lots of issues but I would guess he isn't feeling real appreciated right now. From what you have said the financial stress on you both are huge and that alone would be enough to cause problems in many marriages.

It is so hard when things spiral downward with everyone. Paraphrasing what MWM said, what would happen if you were an island of calm in the midst of gfgness? Thinking about the expression aint nobody happy if mama aint happy. I know with me and my family, when I am stressed out I stress out the rest of the family and also that is is so easy to fall to the level of anxiety or negativity that is being exhibited by everyone else.

As others have said, maybe we spend too much time trying to fix others and not enough time tending to our inner gardens and nurturing our own adult selves. Part of what got you through the Portland experience was going to the center place in you of calm and strength it sounded like.

hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I am often similar to MWM and pepperidge. I am tremendously NOT a morning person but I forced myself to do mornings for YEARS. I did NOT do it well. Now, if I am up and in a decent mood I will be available in the mornings. If I have just woken up - they stay away. My husband and kids actually sat me down a few years ago and begged me to let them do mornings for themselves. I just was NOT functioning well and was upsetting everyone. The older 2 helped get thank you ready and fed, they all packed their lunches (Wiz started that in 1st grade by refusing to eat it if I packed it but if he packed it he ate it fine. Then Jess thought that it was cool to do her own lunch and poor thank you wasn't aware that any moms packed lunches, lol! So I have stuff available for lunches and we leave it at that.) and got themselves where they needed to go. If I have to drive someone they bring me a cup of coffee 30 min before we leave and then 5 min before they come get me.

I never thought it would work, esp on days husband had to be at work early. But it works wonderfully. It was an eye opener. on the other hand, they come and get me at all hours of the night if they need something or are sick, so I am often up half the night with someone's bad dream or illness or whatever.

I like the get in line routine. I actually called my husband's bluff after he had been on the "I shouldn't have been born, I should just kill myself" whine for a couple of months. Jessie was barely walking and Wiz was at school. I told him that I had heard enough, that talking like that was very dangerous to the kids and it wasn't to happen again. He had to decide, right then, if he wanted to do it or not. I told him he could either NEVER say that again, could tell me he was serious and wanted help and then we would find a therapist, or he could say he was serious and watned to do it. If it was the latter, I would go and get a gun and bullets and show him how to do it so that he wouldn't end up a vegetable that I had to take care of for decades, but if he wanted me to get a gun he had to do it or go to a psychiatric hospital. Period.

He was shocked, to say the least, but it put an end to his self pity at that point. He refused to see a therapist, but he did find some books and things that helped him. Now he has said that he never really said that and I just wasn't listening to him because he is Catholic and would never say that. But he always denies he has ever been depressed after being on AD's for a couple of months. So I ignore that claim.

You have to start empowering your family to find their own solutions, and to let those solutions be 'good enough'. Ask easy child what she intends to do about housetraining the dogs. She is the one who taught them to potty inside, so now she needs to figure out how to fix it. She can search for how to housetrain a dog online, then set up a program When she is home she must take them out AND clean up after them, and give you a WRITTEN list of directions so that you can take them out while she is in school. She can start to go to her friends' houses, the mall, etc... when the dogs are not pottying inside. Lock the dogs in HER ROOM when they have to go and she won't take them outside - then do NOT clean up the mess in her room.

I am SERIOUS. You can't let her leave the mess in her room for long, but it will be nasty enough that she won't want it there anyway. If she refuses to retrain them, take them to the shelter or find a new home for them. Craigslist and freecycle both are options to help rehome them. I don't often recommend getting rid of a pet, but you are so swamped and pets are expensive. It would lessen the financial strain and teach the kids that if you cannot care for an animal you have NO business having one.

easy child is going to have a fit over having to care for the dog. So what? She will have a fit over something anyway, may as well be something that will benefit YOU. And if she has too many fits, the dogs can be rehomed. period. Be sure to tell her, upfront, that if she cannot care for them or has fits about it, then it is clear that they cannot stay because they are not being treated properly. Don't make the statement if you won't carry it out. My kids NEVER believed I would rehome our bird but they learned otherwise. The first time I tried to find a home the only replies were from 2 bird hoarders, which I learned when I called the humane society/animal control to check on them as potential owners. Then I relisted after more promises to clean the cage, make sure the food and water were full,etc... were not followed through. It was a shock to them, but you can bet they feed the cat and clean his box regularly! Again, I listed the bird and had a hoarder reply, then a lady who had her bird die a few months before saw my ad. Her cat was mourning the loss of her bird, and our bird was mourning the death of our older cat Freckles (in each case the cat and bird were bffs, odd as it sounds). I get email updates and now our old bird and her cat are bffs and very happy together. The bird has even begun to sing again, which she had stopped doing completely for us.

You will NOT be the first couple to discuss sex with a reverend or priest. it is part of married life and many many couples have issues to work out. So finding a priest or pastor can be an excellent resource, esp if you cannot afford the $$ that many private practice therapists charge. most pastors/priests receive a LOT of training in counselling as part of their studies, so they can be super effective. The best help my husband ever has gotten has been from some of the priests he has known. For us it won't work for marital counseling because I have long ago trauma and issues from the priests/nuns at the Cath school I went to for elementary. I just don't trust them and cannot open up to them. But for indiv therapy it has been great for him at different times.

 

[Jena]

i'm online right now finding a gym/yoga place i can register for. i'm using up most of our funds on difficult child, and easy child yet gotta get some in there for me. yes husband is feeling unappreciated as of late, like an atm machine. so i'm trying to make time for him, yet he does have to grow up a bit he is immature i'm the first to admit.

he's a mix up. he's the guy who will kill himself to help you, stepkids, etc. yet at the sametime he's the same guy who will drive you totally insane with-this one particular issue. it's a toss up with-him. he just left for therapy that he's been going to since i left for portland. so far it isnt' helping lol.

it's true in portland i found my inner me. it was great, and hard wasnt' easy doing it. yet anything worth it is hardly ever easy. than i returned and i'm getting beat up literally by my wonderful family. yet we all knew it would happen.

i think i need to model how i'm taking care of me. i never have. so past week i've taken two nights where i said to husband tonight i'm sleeping no movies or anything else i'm taking care of me and getting sleep i need. than also with-difficult child and easy child i'm cutting the craziness when they begin to spiral i simply walk away and close my door put music on etc. their like what?? again taking care of me.

honestly i've done it backwards for years, always put everyone else first and me somewhere in the bottom pile. now i'm slowly switching it up and everyone's like huh...?

i'm even looking on line to take classes towards my bachelor's degree to complete it. i want a life desperately lol..... i think back to when i had a job, lunches out with-friends, etc. it was hard to juggle yet wow it was nice in it's own regard.

we all know the drill we get sooo caught up in our difficult child's, easy child's, and life we forget about us. i got some sleep, woke up today and was like no i want junk too lol. alot of it. we should all make time for us somehow to fill our own cups up, right? i mean i don't think any of us are coming back for another go around

 

[susiestar]

Jen, I know I recommend a lot of books, but usually they are available used or at the library. You may be inspired by a book called "Zap! The Lightning of Empowerment". It is all about how to empower people. While written for more of a business audience, the methods and ideas are very useful in families also.

 

[Marguerite]

I know we're talking about you stepping back and not being Mrs Fix-It for them all, but I'm wondering, Jen - can you go to husband's therapist appointment with him a couple of times? Not to take over or anything, but simply to provide another angle on the issues and perhaps give the therapist a different insight from the "poor me" he's undoubtedly getting. I'm thinking that husband and this counsellor could be in a rut with husband not knowing how to open up and really talk about the deeper issues. It's a bloke thing - they really hate having to show any weakness to anyone outside their family. So they either toughen up and talk about trivialities, or they go into full-on whine mode, but again about practical things, not about how they really feel. But once you open the door for him, then you can step back and let the counsellor handle it again. I mean, the counsellor handles it all anyway, but has to KNOW about the real stuff before he/she can help. Also, if the counsellor is male, this can aggravate the problem of a bloke not opening up.

As for easy child and the dogs - I fully agree, she has to sort this out or the dogs go to the shelter. Nobody is going to want a dog that is totally untrained. Also, if easy child keeps throwing tantrums, then this is a bad environment for the dogs and they need to be out of there. They create more stress, they cost money and they also add to the chaos. easy child needs to really think about WHY she wanted the dogs, and to make her own choices.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Just a warning about animal shelters. Most are kill shelters. If you want to rehome your dog, but don't want him to be euthanized, please do it yourself (pick the family carefully). Unfortunately, I know too much about most shelters, especially those funded by the states. And they won't tell you they put the dog down...they will say the dog got adopted.
Only 20% of the dogs in humane society shelters ever find homes.

I actually have a policy that I won't punish an animal because a child won't take care of it. I won't buy any animal for a child at all. If I buy it, I consider it my responsibility to either care for it or find it a great alternative home. Why punish the dog by using the pound and maybe having it die because of irresponsible kids?

Sorry to highjack the thread with this, but I'm a major time dog lover

 

[Steely]

So, I am sure that I am going to be VERY unpopular with this comment - so I am in sorry in advance.
Yet I still cannot get it out of my head why this man needing frequent sex is a bad thing???
Perhaps it is because I have been single for so long that sex seems anything but negative - but I just want to ask - why is him needing sex all of the time such a sore spot?
Sex is a great stress reliever, it increases endorphins, it make a couple feel close.
I mean, I know sometimes it can seem as if you are giving more than you are receiving, but what if you looked at it the other way around. What if he was making you the happiest person on earth every night?
Perhaps you need to tell him that is what you need. He needs to make you "happy" first, and then, and only then, can he be "happy".

 

[Jena]

lol steely i was weak laughing when i read that?!

it's all good, yet let's be honest every night?? i wouldn't be able to walk... it's more than that. i'Tourette's Syndrome his only source of ooh she loves me. this i believe and yea i'm playing therapist again comes from his ex wife with whom left him after 18 years because she turned gay. that's his "deeper" issue at hand. he protects that bigtime won't admit it's there yet i'm too smart and it's too logical to miss.

he cooked tonight, did dishes like he always does on night off which is great. now we'll do board game with-the little ones unfortunately easy child wont' join shocker.

as far as that goes Marg i already asked him today... ahh great minds. the therapists' answer was Not Yet to me. hmmmm yea husband's cover will be blown when i walk in, the therapist will be like oh once i open my mouth.


thing with-it is this. life happens and takes over at times he has zero flexibility for that and needs to understand that there are going to be times that it'll have to wait. it's usually not a difficult child issue at all. it's like me when she's been hospitalized i've noticed alot, the push for it or when i'm sick he'll try. stuff like that. to me that's just inconsiderate on his part.

it's like ok you have a leg falling off yet can you come on over here with me?? ummm no!!!!

that's when it's a' problem. gotta be more to a relationship than that. it's based on friendship trust all that good junk. ahhh the joys of marriage. my first husband didn't wanna do it ever he was too busy switching the light switches on and off (big Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues) and being manic on certain nights, this guy doesn't sleep much and wants it all the time!!! LOL

where oh where lies my happy medium man?

oh by the way MWM -- i went and bought a new collar today, it goes over his nose and than his head. we tried that to enable me to walk the wild beat. guess what it's working. took while to get him adjusted to it and he'll fight it a bit but huge difference. which means i can re adjust him to being walked now and he'll get exercise which should cut down on inside chaotic behaviors.

step by step ...... we'll see. husband was like no way i don't wanna drop him at the shelter. he felt bad. i can't get ok with it either. and it's not easy child's job to train him. he's 100lb. and rough. yea she messed up not walking him, yet he's too much dog for her. i'm making difficult child walk the puppy now that she's home and eating i'll deal with-the big guy.

 

[AnnieO]

I don't thing "medium" exists, hon.

To put it delicately (as much as I can) - my XH just didn't understand that I am low maintenance. He thought that meant, "NO" maintenance. There's a reason we didn't have kids... And then husband... Well, I started getting annoyed 'cause it was just too much! Better now, but...

 

[susiestar]

Finding that happy medium man doesn't happen. You CREATE it by working on the issue. You have to work on talking about what is enough, too much, and why the push to have sex when you are sick/hurt/etc... Esp with the issues he has - he will probably wonder on some level for a LONG time if his ex "turned gay" because his performance or something else about him. You also have to communicate what you want very clearly. So does he, cause neither of you can read minds and expecting the other to is unreasonable.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm with Susie on discussing it. Trouble is, especially when times are tough/you don't feel like it because you're too tired/he's demanding it more often because he feels insecure, you are far less likely to either of you want to talk about it. But tat is when you most need to.

You need to sit down (it's that 3 am conversation you may need to have - or a shack! Thanks to DDD's typo) purely to sort this out between you. You need to form your own loving contract. It doesn't have to be in writing, but it does need to be mutually agreed.

For example, you could agree that you always have the right to say no, but you also need to watch the calendar and realise that if you say no five nights in a row, you need to make more effort. He needs to understand that if you agree just to shut him up, that is not good and builds up a negative conditioned response in you.

If he wants sex more often, he needs to make it more attractive to you, and to work to overcome YOUR obstacles. And your main obstacle, I suspect, is exhaustion. And then apathy, and habit.

Sometimes you actually need to make an appointment for sex. It is difficult with your very demanding kids, but here is another wrinkle - especially as they get older, the idea of "old people" like parents having sex gets really ooky. If they realise that they'd better not interrupt you or you'll make it clear that they have interrupted something they don't want to know about, they may learn to leave you alone when the bedroom door is closed with vaseline on the doorknob (the vaseline is to stop them getting a grip to open the door).

Sex is therapeutic when you're stressed. For both of you. It also will reduce your stress levels a little, if you work to reduce his. I know I get a lot more active help from husband when he is feeling satisfied. And it's not easy for us, because I have physical limitations that greatly interfere with our sexual relationship. We sometimes have to be very inventive and to plan. And have alternatives. There is nothing wrong with alternatives. Just make sure you leave your radio playing, to drown out the sound of battery-powered devices! Or not - it might add pressure on the girls to leave you alone at such times!

But to begin with, talk to one another and make plans. Then stick to them. Follow through with an agreement, unless you're throwing up from headache pain.

Marg