I just don't know..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by christine5555, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    I said to my Mom today in the shopping mall, how I've dealt with what is with my difficult child's addiction. What am I do to with the pain that won't subside now? What does one do with the sadness I do not know. Whether she heard me I don't know but she turned her head towards other people instantly. She is concerned very much but got me thinking, no matter what, being a Mom of a difficult child, it truly is a lonely experience. One that never ceases to cease. I see so many skinny usually males on bikes with no teeth and say outloud to myself, 'meth addict.' Maybe they have something in that they do get a break from pain! Is how my son is dealing that's for sure. He's now awaiting court end of Nov. due to stealing with other addicts, bicycles from a casino. So much of me feels dead inside. I remind myself not to look at where he should be but where he is. The deep sadness.... how do you all deal?? I've upped my anti depressant due to being asked at work if I need a hug. I'm told I'm professional, good at my job but they notice I'm not same.

    I forget what it feels like to not be so saddened by our difficult child's choices thus far in life.. Cognitive therapy is so exhausting after a while... Thanks for allowing me to vent..
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, it's a grieving process, much like a death only the person is still alive...he is not the person we knew or wanted him to become or whom he could have been. It is hard to grieve alone. For me, I have used twelve step groups such as Al-Anon and the idea of "Let Go and Let God" has helped me a lot. If God is not in your life, the group still has very useful ideas in my opinion of how to let go of your grown child's bad choices and how to start to live again without that constant pressure around your chest, like a heart attack, or your own breaking heart. There is nothing you can do so it is best to learn how to move on and still enjoy your life. You must have other loved ones who you can enjoy and who are able to appreciate the great person that you are. You must have friends who like to spend time with you, hobbies you like, activities you always wanted to try but never have. This is the time! Therapy is good too. You can learn stress relief methods that actually help your body to relax when it is so tight you feel like you have brittle bones! NAMI has classes on how to cope with a mentally ill family member. The worst thing you can do for yourself and the pain that you feel is nothing at all. If you don't move forward, in spite of your son's poor choices, you will not get rid of the pain and that's no way to live.

    There is a lot of different types of therapy. Cognitive may not be for you, but there is dialectal behavioral therapy (it also requires a huge effort though and maybe you don't have the energy for that right now). Old fashion talk therapy can be a great release with the right therapist. I always got at least as much out of self-help groups as professionals. You try and see what works for you.

    by the way, to this day if I see somebody who is anorexic and looks spaced out, I think, "He/she is using meth." My daughter was stick skinny when she did. Her chubbiness now makes me feel safe and peaceful! I know that automatic "Meth Addict!" reaction. Can so relate!

    Of course, we are here too.

    Hugs. So sorry you're hurting.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Christine i use to ask the same thing, what do i do with all this sadness and loneliness and anger and I cant give you an answer that makes any sense but to tell you that slowly over time you will find some corners of your heart to put those feelings and allow happier feelings to take over more of your heart. For more than a year I couldn't go to the mall without breaking down in tears watching other families and wondering what happened to mine.

    I wish i could help you go tbrough this dark time.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Yup - I have found myself super judgemental after all I have been through with my daughter. I, too, jump to the conclusion that someone uses meth. I especially scrutinize anyone and everyone that she talks to because I am so afraid of losing her to that junk again... :(
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think our "innocence" is lost forever and it is worth grieving. on the other hand our difficult children are still alive and there is always a chance that the future may bring new unexpected joy. You are not alone. DDD
  6. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    All of you, thank-you so much. There is nothing more helpful than hearing from others who are able to relate. Midwest, I am going to take your wise advise and move forward to help rid the pain. Keep busy with people that are in my life.. So true DDD, our innocense is long gone. Watching others through my eyes now, I am so far away from so many other humans. But then one never knows do we, as we go along faking our smiles, or work at making them true.
    Junk indeed Patriotsgirl. Makes me sick, so sick when I read of things that cause cancer if you inhale this, eat that, how bout if you actually inject the ****!!!! Feel like I'm in outerspace a lot of times anymore.. I did have dissociation before this so is now with my Son, not me. But then it is with me isn't it as my Son is in his 'own place' while I'm in mine.

    Thanks for relating with me Nancy, helping me feel not so alone, thanks for that. Big hugs to you fine people, xx
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree with what everyone has said so far... find things you are interested in, take care of yourself and live your life. Distraction is a wonderful coping mechanism.

    However I dont think you can completely get over the sadness... at least I cant. It is no longer front and center all the time but there are times when the sadness about all that difficult child has lost hits me... and when things are not going well it hits me more often and harder. But I am not much more able to regroup put those feelings aside and enjoy my life and feel happiness. So the sadness does not consume me or take over my life completely.... but it is still there.

  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Maybe Families Anonymous or Narc Anon would help you. I go to FA, and it really helps to be with a group of people that know what I'm going through. Highly recommend support groups.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've always been able to compartmentalize. I have described it before as having a box in my head and I put all of the difficult child stuff there and go on with the rest of my life. I told that to my difficult child once and she said I was in denial. I assured her that I was not in denial since I was very aware that the box was there. I just chose not to let it spill out into the rest of my every day life.

    It actually became a family joke. Whenever difficult child or easy child would do something that upset me, they would tell me to "put it in the box, mom."

    My therapist told me that it was a very good technique but that it takes time to be able to get to that point. Of course, I have had a lot of years to practice.

    I have also found it helps to stay busy. Teaching all day keeps me so busy that I don't have time to worry or obsess over difficult child's problems.

  10. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Putting things into compartments, great idea. I find I am working up to that but wow is it exhausting on the brain. Practice helps I'm sure or as your therapist says Kathy, time.. In a daze, I've gone to 3 Al-Anon meetings and found them so structured and felt empty afterwards. There isn't a Nar-Anon in my city, would have to drive quite a ways to get to one. Will def look into families anonymous, thanks.
    Thanks for relating with me Midwest and your words of encouragement. I go along doing pretty good I think but like tonight, there difficult child is standing at our door! Wanting to know if there is any left over money from his house sale (I was power of attorney of his finances) I stupidly told the truth and said there is 300 but there are tail ends of a few bills to come in still. We ended up arguing, he saying I'm keeping 'his' money from him as I said I'm not giving him cash. Then said of so many things we paid for. I felt so badly saying that. He called shortly afterwards in a calm manner asking if I could help him with his truck, that he'd ordered the part. I asked how much for the part as eariler I had said 150 is all that can go for the truck as rest is for bills. He said less than 100 so I'm going tomorrow to meet him at part store to pay cash for. I told him I didn't handle it well at my house earlier. Omg, this is so frickin hard.. Try to be tough but want to help him any and every way I can. He's not shaven for days I saw today, nor has his hair viewed a comb near it... 31 yrs old following his deceased father's footsteps. Going on trip tomorrow so am hoping to get a bit of an escape.
    Thanks all you lovely people for helping me, much appreciated!! Xx
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think alanon meetings can differ quite a bit by the people at the meeting. I know the one we go to is specifically for parents and I think that makes a difference. I hope you find some kind of support group for parents because I think it makes a big difference.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    christine, it will not go away all at once or quickly, hon. In my case, I had to deal with three different kids. 36 was always so awful to everyone that I just detached from his behavior as life went on. He was the easiest to detach from, yet I still love him and w hen he was suicidal, I did get stressed out because of him and had to remember my coping mechanisms! I had to sort of do a refresher course! I'm so glad the trial is over. It is easy to detach again now, at least from him and his cruel words.

    When Julie did drugs, I never did actually detach because she was so young and not really disrespectful. I was terrified for her. And I cried a lot, trust me. I even begged her to stop in which she'd also cry and we'd hug and she still couldn't stop. Fortunately, she used only from age 12-19. I think I was about to practice detachment, as I was in Nar-Anon, and then she quit. I did not expect her to quit. I thought she'd either end up in jail or dead. She looked like the walking dead when she left Wisconsin and went to Illinois. When I visited her a few months later, SHE WAS PLUMP!!!!!!! I was so thrilled. Your son may do a turnaround as well. You just never know. I did not expect this from my daughter. Miracles do happen.

    Scott was the hardest for me. This child I had loved and would have died for had come to us at age six and never attached to us. Still, he had so much promise, was so smart, and knew how to make people like him. He really was never a difficult child except that I knew he wished we were rich and had high level jobs, which we did not. When he walked out on us as an adult it took five years before I would let anyone else even say his name to me. It hurt too much to even hear his name. I'd burst into tears.

    The final straw was when he finally agreed to meet me and he was NOT the person I'd known and loved and raised. He was vile and cold and gave me a list of things I had to do in order to be in his life, including never going to his house and if I called him needing to leave a reason for the call or he'd never call back. He would NOT visit my house. I had dogs and that made my house "dirty" and he and his wife only went to clean houses. There was a lot more, all of it meant to hurt.

    His wife had been told horrible lies about his childhood. It shocked me and woke me up. This was not the person I thought he was and I was finally able to walk away without tears and without the longing to have him in my life again. One day your son will either see the light and change or do something to alienate you so badly that you can detach. It may even be a complete detachment. Scott will always hold a place in my heart for the person he was as a sweet child. It was fun raising him and I have my memories. But he has been gone for seven years now and I can hear about him and not feel anything and I truly don't even think of him as my son anymore. I think he came to late in his life (six) to feel a part of our family and I understand and forgive. But this was a tough one that ended up ok. He does not dominate my thoughts in any way.

    Detachment is different for each kid and each situation, but, like all losses, time is your friend. And the more you continue to have a full, happy life, in spite of your son's troubles, the easier it is day-to-day.

    Hugs and keep on plugging. Eventually you will get worn out from his chronic excuses not to get better and detaching will be easier. It helps in my opinion to have friends who "get it." That's what I like about the groups. If you don't like the dynamics of one group, they another. Being self-help, they all have different personalities. I didn't like all the groups I tried so I went to other ones. I did feel relief when I was able to let my hair down and tell somebody, after the meeting, what I was going through with my daughter and, later on, I called the same person to beg wisdom on how to deal with 36.

    Of course, WE are always here for you. Use us as often as you need or want!!! Hugs :)
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is exactly how I would describe my experience with Al-Anon. I am bored by the rote readings and then the lack of cross talk drove me crazy. I know that others have found the meetings invaluable but they are just not for me. I have found working with a therapist much more helpful.

    We have always said on the SA forum that you have to find what works for you.

  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I loved my FA group. We laughed a lot. It was not nearly as structured as al-anon. I also have a family support group formed by some moms whose sons/husbands were in one of our mens' sober houses. We have grown to a large number of families and they are all wonderful. I hope you find a support group in your area that you connect with.

    I know how hard it is when they come asking for help. The more help you give them the more they keep asking. When he acts out when you say no it's out of desperation. They try to bully us and when they realize they can't they panic. It's vicious circle. The best thing that can happen is for you to move away. Then he would be on his own.
  15. christine5555

    christine5555 New Member

    Trip did NOT help as staring at beautiful scenery my mind went to my difficult child not that it ever truly goes.. My depression is the worst it's been for a long time. Scary actually, I don't know what to do as it's so painful to just 'be' let alone to do daily things. Exercise, anti-depressants, being around others..nothing helping. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel..... I can't cease this in consuming me like I could before. It's so sad my difficult child point blank. So how else a Mom to feel. So scared, so depressed.. so embarrassing... almost deleted this post but you all likely will 'get' how I feel, I hope. Just am blahing, not looking for an answer as there isn't one. Feeling thankful there is this site to share my thoughts with.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Add me to that list - I went expecting that we would all talk and share our experiences. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I didn't like it. I found this board MUCH more helpful for me...
  17. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Christine, I want to thank you for being so honest about your feelings. I can relate. I feel so hopeless and sad most of the time. And then angry at difficult child for doing drugs and causing pain and discord in our family. My 20 yr old easy child wants to just be away from home all the time. I can't blame her. If I was her, I would get out of here too. Home is not a pleasant place anymore. I throw myself into my work, because I know if I have too much down time where I have to think about difficult child... I will throw myself into being an addict of some sort.
  18. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I agree! The hospital's been slow so they cancelled me Friday. I like going to work as it takes my mind off difficult child.

    Went to one Alanon meeting, never went back. Prefer the supportive, compassionate atmosphere of Families Anonoymous.