christine, it will not go away all at once or quickly, hon. In my case, I had to deal with three different kids. 36 was always so awful to everyone that I just detached from his behavior as life went on. He was the easiest to detach from, yet I still love him and w hen he was suicidal, I did get stressed out because of him and had to remember my coping mechanisms! I had to sort of do a refresher course! I'm so glad the trial is over. It is easy to detach again now, at least from him and his cruel words.
When Julie did drugs, I never did actually detach because she was so young and not really disrespectful. I was terrified for her. And I cried a lot, trust me. I even begged her to stop in which she'd also cry and we'd hug and she still couldn't stop. Fortunately, she used only from age 12-19. I think I was about to practice detachment, as I was in Nar-Anon, and then she quit. I did not expect her to quit. I thought she'd either end up in jail or dead. She looked like the walking dead when she left Wisconsin and went to Illinois. When I visited her a few months later, SHE WAS PLUMP!!!!!!! I was so thrilled. Your son may do a turnaround as well. You just never know. I did not expect this from my daughter. Miracles do happen.
Scott was the hardest for me. This child I had loved and would have died for had come to us at age six and never attached to us. Still, he had so much promise, was so smart, and knew how to make people like him. He really was never a difficult child except that I knew he wished we were rich and had high level jobs, which we did not. When he walked out on us as an adult it took five years before I would let anyone else even say his name to me. It hurt too much to even hear his name. I'd burst into tears.
The final straw was when he finally agreed to meet me and he was NOT the person I'd known and loved and raised. He was vile and cold and gave me a list of things I had to do in order to be in his life, including never going to his house and if I called him needing to leave a reason for the call or he'd never call back. He would NOT visit my house. I had dogs and that made my house "dirty" and he and his wife only went to clean houses. There was a lot more, all of it meant to hurt.
His wife had been told horrible lies about his childhood. It shocked me and woke me up. This was not the person I thought he was and I was finally able to walk away without tears and without the longing to have him in my life again. One day your son will either see the light and change or do something to alienate you so badly that you can detach. It may even be a complete detachment. Scott will always hold a place in my heart for the person he was as a sweet child. It was fun raising him and I have my memories. But he has been gone for seven years now and I can hear about him and not feel anything and I truly don't even think of him as my son anymore. I think he came to late in his life (six) to feel a part of our family and I understand and forgive. But this was a tough one that ended up ok. He does not dominate my thoughts in any way.
Detachment is different for each kid and each situation, but, like all losses, time is your friend. And the more you continue to have a full, happy life, in spite of your son's troubles, the easier it is day-to-day.
Hugs and keep on plugging. Eventually you will get worn out from his chronic excuses not to get better and detaching will be easier. It helps in my opinion to have friends who "get it." That's what I like about the groups. If you don't like the dynamics of one group, they another. Being self-help, they all have different personalities. I didn't like all the groups I tried so I went to other ones. I did feel relief when I was able to let my hair down and tell somebody, after the meeting, what I was going through with my daughter and, later on, I called the same person to beg wisdom on how to deal with 36.
Of course, WE are always here for you. Use us as often as you need or want!!! Hugs