I just don't understand

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jun 24, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    So my Difficult Child daughter and her boyfriend and my grandson moved in with DCs older son....well they all got evicted a couple days ago. I picked up my little grandson on tuesday night and had him all day Wed. At one point on Wed my grandson pointed his little finger at me and said "my mommy doesn't like you" that hurt because I never run his parents down to him. Then when it was time to take him home no one would answer their phone and I had to work the next day. They didnt even have the consideration to call and find out how he was or what I was suppose to do with him. So I called his grandpa and took him over to his house. Its 9:30 right now and they still havent called to find out whats going on. My daughter is still very angry because I will NOT allow her to move in with me, and says that I am not doing right by her!!! I dont think she is doing right by HER child!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't waste your time listening to your daughter and taking the words to heart. She is not doing right by anyone, including herself. But it is her life and her choice to be a horrible mother and blame you for her problems. Nobody her age has the right to live with her parents.

    You should probably by now expect this type of behavior from her. She doesn't care about her kids, yet two have managed to grow up and survive. Kids learn, although it's better if they don't have to learn these things.

    If you can not learn to let go a bit of what your differently wired daughter thinks, you will never have a life. Have you done anything for yourself? Seen your loving children and other grand? Gone out with friends? Joined a new group? Laughed at a funny movie? Taken a walk on a beautiful path?

    You should. And while you are taking good care of YOU, the one person you can control, turn off your phone.

    And never let her move in with you. She doesn't care what you think. Don't care w hat SHE thinks. This is not your first grandchild you've had to watch suffer because of her. Thankfully it will be the last one.

    Take good care of yourself ;)
  3. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you for your response! I look forward to your advice...its always good!! Yes in fact I had my other daughters 2 month old AND my 3 year old grandsons on the same day...my 3 year old loves his cousin...the baby always smiles when he talks to him! I am very close to my other 2 kids and they are very good to me. I am with my other daughter every sat. we go to garage sales or just shopping, even with the baby. I have some very close friends that I see or talk to very often. I have tried to get close to my Difficult Child many times in the past 20 years and it only lasts for awhile until I do something that angers her. She is the most manipulative person I know it is always easy for her to turn things around and make ME the bad person!
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Personally, I'd leave her a message saying where you left her child and that you didn't have any other ideas what to do. That would be ALL I'd do, but if she wants you to take the child again, I'd say no unless it's a non-work night so you can keep him over and when she complains...remind her of this.

    Hang in there.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Good for you for sticking to your guns, soooo tired.

    It isn't easy.

    Daughter's living situation will clarify over the next weeks. When it does, she will probably punish you for your rebellion by keeping her child away from you.

    I wholeheartedly agree that daughter is not doing right by her child. Isn't it something that our troubled kids continue to blame us for their situations and at the same time, put their own kids in danger without batting an eye.

    I am sorry the three year old pointed his finger at you and told you his mom doesn't like you. That must have hurt.

    My family is messed up in that way, too. If the kids spent less time and energy condemning us for what we refuse to do for them anymore and devoted more time to changing their situations, we would all be better off.

    What do you think will happen, sooo tired? Is your daughter determined to live with you?

  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    No she has just cut me off and not speaking to me! But that is kind of a blessing! NOOOOO she will never live with me!! My life would be over if I allowed that! See she tries to compare me to my mother, who she was very close to. My mom was a wonderful sweet christian woman that was continuously being used by my daughter. In this situation my mom would have let her move right in no matter how much it got on her nerves. So now when she is mad she says things like...boy would your mom be dissapointed in you because you are not helping your family when they are down, or she says...I wish nan nan were still here then this wouldn't be happening to me. Then she throws my christianity at me by saying...some christian you are or...you need more church so they can make you understand how wrong you are! She just keeps saying this stuff in hopes it will make me cave in, but what it does is just make it easier for me to have no catact! If it werent for my sweet grandson I woul have no problem not seeing her at all!!
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We debate the issue of helping versus enabling here on the site, sometimes. On the one hand, helping the kids with somewhere to live or a car or license reinstatement fees or fines seems like the right thing to do. On the other hand, especially for those (like me) whose kids are older, we have learned the hard way that helping creates dependency in the kids. They begin looking to us instead of to themselves to solve their problems. The stories (and the consequences) become ever more horrific. The grandchildren are put at risk, and may even be used to justify the grandparent's bailing the adult child out over and over.

    Helping turns into the ugliness of enabling.

    It is a tough, lonely, vulnerable spot to be in. We have even considered buying something big enough for everyone to come home to live. At least the grands would have some stability. But the issue is that the parents are the unstable ones. The more we provide the basics, the more determinedly off track the adult child gets. It would be a living nightmare to house practicing addicts. So, we have to stay the course.

    You do too, sooo tired.

    I feel badly for you that your child is attacking you through your spiritual beliefs. If the grandmother had not been so willing to help, it could be that your daughter would have developed a better lifestyle for herself in her twenties. The way we see it at my house is that if we can hold a firm line now, our children still have time to take control of their lives. It's been so nasty to hear how heartless we are, and to be seen through a filter comprised of how much money we have and how much we could afford to do for them.

    Or whether our children will finally have somewhere to live once we are (finally) gone and they have access to our money and our stuff.

    It helps us to remember just how many times either child has been home, and just how much money, time, and thought has been devoted to either of our kids.

    It helps to remember that drug use is a piece of this picture.

    If I may ask, how is it that your daughter is not receiving social services?

    For your daughter's ultimate good, I do believe you are doing the right thing. We have walked a path similar to yours. Our relationships to our children, and our grands, are so out of balance around the issues of money and time.

    We too hear about what rotten parents we were, and what crummy grandparents we are. It is difficult to steer the course we believe is the right one. Stay the course, sooo tired. I will do the same.

  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This might go over her head... but you could tell her, in response to these kinds of statements, that Christians were asked to go a "second mile" in helping, but they were NOT asked to go mile after mile after mile for the same person.
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