My husband mother always told him that her own father was dead since she was a child, turns out he was in a psychiatric hospital and died AFTER DHs mother died!
husband never knew his bio father-----
THe man who married husband mother and adopted husband....he never knew his father, his mother was a prostitute and he ran away from home at 14. He always told husband he was an only child, BUT 15 YEARS after DHs dad died, we found thru soc sec that husband father did have a brother. Actually also looked identical to husband dad.
My bio father also left home when he was grade 7...his family was very very poor, rural MN one room shack, he was youngest of many kids with many fathers....by 12 my dad was driving 18 wheelers over the road. He never did look back.
My dad was psychotic and would do strange things, walk on all fours, bark like a dog, one time he shot the windows out of a bar cuz he was mad at someone inside. When my very young mother wanted to leave him with me (I was 3 baby brother was newborn, mom was 18) dad stalked her at gunpoint. for several years.
Moms family was just as strange....moms parents lost a child to a tragic fire accident when mom was 8 and by the time mom was 14 her parents died and she was preg with me.
Her next younger bro shot and killed his wife in front of his kids when I was a teen....right after I had left their house....moms older sis gave birth to her 3 youngest kids while she was living long term in a TB sanitarium.....and all the youngest 3 have fetal alcohol syndrome.
Did the history matter?
I supose it did, BUT, in addition...my husband was exposed to Agent Orange in Nam but we were told he wasn't until after our last child was born, and he showed signs of effects of that.....
Our oldest difficult child is bipolar with serious panic attacks....her docs have blamed her schools handling of her issues for her disassociative states and panic attacks....so where is the worst blame gonna lay? Her bipolar is a very minor problem compared to her PTSD, panic and disassociation. Son has heterotopia, possibly from Agent Orange, but also possibly from either a terrible rampant flu at my place of employment while I was working in county nurseing home- or possibly from the multiple TB medications etc they required...and said were "safe" or who knows what?
Was it my genes? husband genes? environmental? Was it related to husband time in Marines and his 13 years in Nam?
and does it matter a lot? When we had oldest difficult child noone openly discussed the genetic componant to bipolar etc.....when we had easy child 2 years later it still was not discussed much how genetics relate to mental illness in children etc.
Even when we had youngest son, it was not discussed much.....and he was not exactly planned anyway......
Our county tried to convince me my oldest and youngest were how they are becuz I MUST have drank when preg......but- not one drop of alcohol touched my lips.....not even in other forms, I do not use mouthwash, do not take cold medications etc.....they tried to say I must have used some type of drug......I did smoke but I did not drink coffee or soda and I took NO medications....not even OTC. Not just becuz I was preg but becuz I simply did not ever take any medications or OTC for anything.....
In generations past people did not openly discuss many health issues, not just mental illness but other illness was also not discussed much. It was not uncommon for even husbands and wives to not discuss health issues of any kind with each other in some families.
Yes, history can be very helpful---- but, there can also be so many other factors that might cause things....
History can help guide people but....sometimes people just cannot bring themself to talk about things....admit things.....sometimes they even do not remember.....I want to say it might be only since say the 80s or so where bio history was given such importance. Prior to that, it was simply far too akward, often considered rude, prying, embarrassing, socially incorrect.....and as a nurse in a nurseing home, I even had patients who would tell me it was rude to ask if anyone in their family ever had x or y when I was trying to take their hisotry for our records or when working with docs to decide on appropriate medications etc.
Yes, it is great when you are blessed with a history.....but it is not uncommon or unusual to have secrets in histories.
edit to add--
my first husband, his mother did not even know she was adopted till she was almost 60 years old...first husband was diagnosis'ed with juvenile diabetes by age 4.
My husband mother- her 2nd husband had ravaging cancer and he never told his wife......she found out when he DIED. (I did not know him, I cannot imagine how he could be dying and his wife not know? But......thats their story and they stuck to it) when my pop was dying approx 11 years ago? we knew he was dying----BUT the day before he died- he swore to my youngest bro and my mom that nope- he was not dying at all.....yeesh, stage 4 colon cancer spread to his liver and spine, semi comatose for weeks, he woke up long enough to promise my 11 yr old brother he was NOT dying. I was sitting with him at hospital the nite he tried to get his doctor to tell all of us he was "fine" and doctor kept saying but you are dying. BUT in my pops family, NOONE EVER admitted to illness of ANY kind. His own father suicided and it was only after he died that they found out his father was ill with cancer.
