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I just got one of those dreaded messages from my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 686796" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>If there is a shared developmental challenge that each of us here on CD shares it is this: the necessity to separate from our now grown children.</p><p></p><p>There is something about the maternal bond that includes the belief or fantasy that the infant actually remains part of us *even the adopted baby, even though she or he is now clearly separate and beyond our control. I believe that it is biologically transmitted and underlies the maternal instinct. Mothers who feel this way are more apt to protect their children and to be highly invested in them.</p><p></p><p>It works until it stops working and becomes detrimental to the relationship. The now adult or near adult child bucks it--fights the mother now to get clear of her. And the now distraught mother, believing still, that she is responsible, keeps re-asserting the same behaviors that had fueled her--and gets bashed.</p><p></p><p>This is a developmental challenge to each of us. How to rescue or regain control of our own identities, as separate from that as a mother of a difficult child. Because it is clear that our children are battling us to claim their identities as completely their own, and they are winning.</p><p></p><p>Our need now is to learn that we <em>no longer</em> have control. We no longer have a vote, on what they do or who they are. Which is completely contrary to the imperative of the maternal instinct which drove us 18 or 20 or 25 years before.</p><p></p><p>It is tough, I tell you, but not nearly as tough as it was before I found this site.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 686796, member: 18958"] If there is a shared developmental challenge that each of us here on CD shares it is this: the necessity to separate from our now grown children. There is something about the maternal bond that includes the belief or fantasy that the infant actually remains part of us *even the adopted baby, even though she or he is now clearly separate and beyond our control. I believe that it is biologically transmitted and underlies the maternal instinct. Mothers who feel this way are more apt to protect their children and to be highly invested in them. It works until it stops working and becomes detrimental to the relationship. The now adult or near adult child bucks it--fights the mother now to get clear of her. And the now distraught mother, believing still, that she is responsible, keeps re-asserting the same behaviors that had fueled her--and gets bashed. This is a developmental challenge to each of us. How to rescue or regain control of our own identities, as separate from that as a mother of a difficult child. Because it is clear that our children are battling us to claim their identities as completely their own, and they are winning. Our need now is to learn that we [I]no longer[/I] have control. We no longer have a vote, on what they do or who they are. Which is completely contrary to the imperative of the maternal instinct which drove us 18 or 20 or 25 years before. It is tough, I tell you, but not nearly as tough as it was before I found this site. [/QUOTE]
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I just got one of those dreaded messages from my son
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