I just need to vent...

[Meganlea311]

Hello. I am new here but should have found it a long time ago! My son is almost 11 and ADHD (like super bad!) and recently has been seeing a psychologist that tested him and counsels him. He also has diagnosed him with ODD, possible depression and an identity crisis- AT 10! My son's boyfriend hasn't had any contact with him in almost a year. (Is a drug addict, alcholic ect.) We moved 7 hours from him when my son was 2 to live with my now ex boyfriend. That wasn't the best relationship but it wasn't horrible either. Recently (2 years ago) I remarried (different guy). He is active duty Army and just came home from his 5th deployment. (He has some major PTSD issues that he isn't having treated also to add to my stress, none of which really effect us, mostly his sleep) Anyway, my son has always been difficult. He (about once a month) has melt-downs where he may hit things, throw things, break things ect. He never is respectful of us or anything he owns. He steals small items and often purposely does things he knows will hurt my feelings. I had another baby in Dec and he is great with her so that I guess is a plus in all this. There is so much more but I guess I am just to worn out to tell it all...I am sure that many ppl understand. I am just ready to throw in the towel and give up on him ever changing or at least learning that his behavior isn't acceptable. I know it is a disorder and we have been referred to another (more equipped) behavorial health program but the waiting list is over a year long and we are moving to GA from NY in two months so I guess we will be right back to square one there. We also have issues because my son wants to hyphenate his last name (I think to feel like he fits in with usand we are going to try to have boyfriend's parental rights taken away. I just am tired, frustrated beyond imagination and upset that no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to help my son. I catch small glimpses of the kid I know he wants to be but he just can't control the negativity. His boyfriend is the same way and I am so afraid that no matter what we do his is going to go down that path too. Anyway, I will end there for tonight...thanks for listening.

 

[llamafarm]

Welcome Meganlea,
Though it is late and I don't have much to say, I want to let you know that many people on this site will welcome you and support you and encourage you through all you are going through. You are not alone.

 

[buddy]

Hi Megan, sorry you are in this place...it is rough to have a child who sounds so disrespectful when on top of everything you have a husband, the deployment issue and a baby...wow!
Welcome to our little corner of the world. Dont worry yet that you will be back to square one...every place is different, there may or may not be resources. You say boyfriend for your son's ...dad? I am assuming that is what he is. So he never sees him? Has this therapist been the only one you have seen or have you had any other assessment done?

One thing you may want to look into, given he has adhd plus...you might, when you move, want to have him assessed by a neuropsychologist. You can explore if there are other issues that are causing him to look very adhd, but are adding to the issues...along with that have a speech/language pathology evaluation (to check for social language issues, language processing or auditory processing which can be very subtle and hard to detect in the real world....), and an Occupational therapy evaluation to check to make sure fine motor, motor planning, sensory integration etc..are all within normal limits. These things can really impact kids and make them seem very oppositional and defiant, and very very very adhd. Just always better to check because there are therapies that can help so much if these are issues, and I can tell you it is awful to look back and find out you missed something. If it turns out nothing is there, fine, you have that info to move on too.
Another thing you can do when you move, call the county you are in and ask for a case manager for kids with disabilities (may fall under mental health) and see if they have additional resources. When husband leaves you are going to need support or respite....you might be able to get someone like a pca to come and take him out for a few hours now and then. It is worth asking just in case. There are other military families here so they may be able to share with you any specialized supports.

Is it ok for him to hyphenate his name even if not legal? I know kids who do that kind of thing, on "legal" papers like standardized tests let him know it is not official yet so he has to do that but that it is ok with the two of you to do it on assignments or classroom tests.

I have had one day (today) this month when my son has not been aggressive so trust me when I say I get how things like this can wear on you. Most here do understand as you said. I hope you come back tomorrow and check in, more people will be here during the day to welcome you.

Hang tough, you have a lot going on right now.... we are here for you....

 

[InsaneCdn]

Welcome.

You said he's 11?
ADHD.
Possible depression.
Identity crisis.
And behavior issues.

(I don't like the ODD label, except as a "place holder", because there are no therapies, interventions, or medications that have any impact... ODD is usually the result of other things not being caught...)

Well...
This is JMO - but based on what our family has gone through.

Buddy already laid out the things a lot of us recommend so I won't re-key the details that are above, but just add a couple of points...

ADHD rarely stands alone - it can, but most often, there will be other things going on.
Either that, or it's a mis-diagnosis of ADHD that's actually something else (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), or MH stuff) - but this isn't our experience.
We're an ADHD Plus ++++ family.

On top of that... APDs look SO much like ADHD. The same "not paying attention", etc. (there's reasons for that)

Stats I've run into (seems like a few others are running into some of the same...)
- 50% of kids with ADHD have Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) (formal diagnosis for neuro-motor skills issues)
- high proportion (don't have number for this) have LDs
- 70% of kids with ADHD and a Learning Disability (LD)... also have Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)

Add that to the many changes and transitions he's gone through, and... I'd be guessing that the depression is secondary - start resolving some of the other problems in his life, and that will go away. As will the "ODD" stuff, not overnight but slowly.... at least, the parts that aren't relationship-based.

And that identity crisis?
Well, they didn't call it that in our family, but... I'd have to say that was there, too.
When you can't make your brain and/or muscles do what they need to do, and YOU get all the blame for it (this is especially true at school)... it's really hard on your identity. You say you can't - they say you can but you're not trying. Who's right?

Get answers... it's the only answer.

 

[Bunny]

Welcome to our little family! You will find many shoulders to lean on here, and some really good advice. We all know how you are feeling and I think that we can all say we have felt the exact same way at times. At least I know that I have! You have alot going on in your house, and I think that only adds to your stress levels.

How does your son feel about the fact that his father has had no contact with him in over a year? Have you noticed an uptick in his general defiant behavior since then? How about since you re-married and had a baby? Alot of times these major changes can trigger more bahvioral issues. Does he take any medications for the ADHD? How does he behave in school?