I knew it was too good to last

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Mar 26, 2007.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It was a beautiful weekend, sun was out, easy child was in the school musical, difficult child sat through the whole thing and loved it! Sat. a.m. was opening day of Little League, difficult child was excited, happy, cooperative, took his pill right away, was on time for everything. His team won. Sat. night I threw a surprise 50th birthday party for husband. Sun. we stayed home, chilled, ate...
    difficult child earned an Mp3 player this weekend because he's gone for 3 mo's with-o hitting, kicking or spitting on me.

    I knew it was too good to last.

    difficult child woke up with-a headache, refused to get up. I left with-o him. He was up late and woke up at 6 a.m. and listened to his Mp3 player, so didn't get any sleep.
    Obviously, that's been taken away.

    I came home after taking easy child to school and told difficult child that if he got up and went to school, he could still play in the LL game today. After 1/2 hr he got in the car but refused to take his pill, squeezed his juice packet all over the ceiling, totally belligerent and defiant... I went inside and started taking stuff out of his room (That's the way we've been doing it lately; it avoids physical conflict and shows that we control everything and can give it or take it away.) He came in and shut the door and blocked my way out of the room. He's almost as tall as I am and it was scary. Of course I couldn't show that so I started singing tunes from Oklahoma! (the musical easy child is in). Have you ever tried to sing "Oh what a beautiful morning" when your difficult child is blocking the door and defiant? I felt like I was living in a nut house.
    Wait, I AM living in a nut house!
    I finally bribed my way out (by leaving his baseball and football cards in his room) but now he's banging on my locked office door repetitively... wait, now he's slamming his own door repetitively.
    husband has patients up to his ears and can't come home until noon.
    I'm waiting for Dr. Riley to call.

    I'm seriously thinking of moving out but then my poor husband will be stuck with-difficult child.
    I know you've all gone through this.
    God, he's banging on my door and making me crazy.
    It's like Chinese water torture. I'm just sitting here crying. Don't know what good the dr call will do except that I'll be able to hear a rational adult voice.

    If I ever do get him to school today, I'll come home and sleep and cry and it really irritates me--it's so depressing--I'd planned to paint and get things ready for the gallery where I have my work. OMG I'm so mad and upset!


     
  2. Got2Sleep

    Got2Sleep New Member

    (((((((((((Terry)))))))))))
    No words of wisdom, but hugs and prayers for you!

    ~s
     
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Terry, I'm sorry for your rough morning.

    Maybe I'm off base here, but I truly believe consequences should fit the "crime," so to speak. I'm having a hard time understanding why taking stuff out of his room is going to teach him anything about making it to school. It seems to me that it just escalates the situation, and you don't really get what you want, which is to have difficult child in school.

    Now if he got a headache from staying up late listening to his MP3 player, I can see taking it away at bedtime so it doesn't happen again. That is a logical consequence to what happened this morning.

    When my difficult child 1 gets headaches in the morning (and it happens with regularity because he has migraines), we just try to ease him into his day so he will go to school. We give him Motrin, let him rest for a few extra minutes, possibly help him a bit more with breakfast and his school stuff than we normally would. The goal is to get him to school so we do what we can to make it happen.

    Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? A really helpful book, in my humble opinion.

    Hope the rest of your day is better.
     
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I emailed a friend and he's on his way over. He's bigger than I am, plus, anyone besides "me" can make more progress. I'm going to owe him Big Time.
    I don't know why difficult child is SO defiant just with-me.
    I know we've all talked about this b4 but I've talked to him about his bmom, I've been consistent on consequences... sometimes I wonder why I bother worrying about it at all and why I don't just "detach" completely... even though you're not supposed to do that until they're older. Sometimes I think my sanity is at stake.
    Sorry, I know a lot of you have it worse here... I read the note about pulling teeth, and about the issues at school, and the police... and I think I've got it pretty good. Until times like this.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi SmallWorld,
    thank you. Yes, the Mp3 player has been taken away.
    But that doesn't get him to go to school. You said you let your difficult child rest for a few min? Well, my difficult child "rested" for over an hr AFTER school started, so that's 2 hrs, incl the time he was supposed to have been up, dressed and eating.
    He continually stalls and argues and I just walk away, not allowing him to engage me... but he still won't take his pill and it's not fair to the teacher and other students if he goes to school and disrupts everything.

    by the way, I forgot to mention that if he's not going to school, he's supposed to be in his room in Time Out. If he won't go, he's too big and it will become physical, so that's where the child psychiatric suggested "The first one to your room gets to keep whatever is lying around." It has generally worked very well.

    So it's more related to his going to his room.

    He loses the privilege of staying overnight at a friend's house this Fri. because of his behavior today.
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    re: "Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? A really helpful book, in my humble opinion."

    I've heard about several good books here. This is one of them, "Before its too late" is another, and I've checked out another two or three on the recommended list that I can't remember their names.

    My problem is that almost all of these books are targeted at those "lucky" :crazy2: parents who catch their difficult child's problems when their kids are younger, a little more maleable, and they still have several years to try and help their kids before adulthood.

    My son is almost 18, though, and would look at me like I'm nuts if I tried most of what these books suggest. Can anyone suggest good books to read for those of us who have difficult child's that are near adulthood?

    Thanks,
    Mikey
     
  7. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    My difficult child repeats this pattern over and over when he earns a reward, or earns back toys or privileges that have been taken away; he gets the gift, or the toy, and he's so excited and happy that his impulse control goes out the window and he behaves inappropriately (crashing the remote control car into the cat, or screaming with frustration when the gameboy's batteries run out and throwing it across the room). I've had to learn to introduce new things really gradually, and things that over stimulate him are only allowed in moderation. Music is a big, big trigger for him, he loves techno-sounding dance music but it's almost as if he gets drunk on it, he dances and dances until he's giddy and euphoric and completely out of control, so access to his cd player is limited to thirty minutes twice a day on a good day, none on a bad day.
     
  8. oceans

    oceans New Member

    That sounds all too familiar. What medications is he on? Will you get an evaluation to make certain about the aspergers?

    We went through up and down days for exhausting years. We tried every kind of psychological advice which was offered to us. Nothing worked. The explosive child book helped, but did not correct life the way we hoped and needed....not totally. It did help though.

    Ross Greene also has the collaborative problem solving book which I think is good for any age...even adults..LOL.

    Nothing got better for us until the hospitalization and some medication changes.

    I had been thinking that if that did not work, I was going to sign papers at the magistrates office so we were not held responsible for him not going to school. I also got him into a therapeutic school where they were accustomed to kids with problems like this.

    I remember very well how it felt to be held hostage in a locked room while difficult child threw things around outside the door, tried to force his way in, and did every anoying thing under the sun!

    I understand. HUGS!!!

    I hope things calm down for you soon!
     
  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Hi,
    in my humble opinion you escalated the conflict into a power struggle by trying to teach him a lesson through consequences. Maybe some positive reinforcements to get him back on track and off to school , let the school deal with it and when things are back to normal you can discuss the issue in a non blaming way.
    There was once a post here where a mom said to her kid, look what has happened to our pet dog , he is now in the yard because he uri.... on the carpet. The kid replied , OK mom, but he really got you angry. Sometimes kids couldn't care what's happened to them , you won't control them and they got you angry.
    Your kid is getting bigger and so the price for his compliance.
    I hope he gets back on track soon.

    Allan
     
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I know my difficult child is a girl and only 5.5 but I had to stop arguing with her when she was out of control, taking things away did not help us at all, she could care less!!!

    I started taking the complete opposite aproach and am overly compasionate, I will hug her and cuddle her aven when she doesn't want it, sometimes she gets angry and I say but I need it, please!!! Then I will say well then I am not going to do anything either and I will lay on her floor and not budge, and kind of copy her... and say I don't really want to make breakfast today or clean the house. I will be very dramatic and say why does everything suck, why is it so hard??? I am not going to do anything today. I will follow her atround and say the things that she says . (not copy her but act in the same manner as her) a lot of the time she ends up either laughing becuase she see it is kind of silly or she gets sad and tries to help me and says it is OK Mommy,

    I just didn't know what else to do because of her intense BiPolar (BP) and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) she is so up and down sensitive to everything... walking on eggshells!!! She is fragile emotionally. So if I yell at her she falls apart, if I rush her she freaks out, if I argue she gets angry... she is then unable to get out of it. Then if she wakes up depressed I have to deal with that... or anxious..."no one likes me" etc.
    So I have found me being silly and playing this little game has really helped us... even things like brushing our teeth. I will chase them with the toothbrush, or if I catch them they have to brush... but if it too much we skip it and I tell them old yuck mouth will brush later...
    I know you son is a bit older but maybe some of these things will help, I have had to stop stressing about being on time, for most things. It just causes too much anxiety on difficult child... and if she is going to go to school and it is too much by that time and she is a wreck- why bother. Obviously not to the point that they are manipulating the situation... Ha Ha. Too much!!!
    It is all about trying to stay sane and keep a sense of humor and enjoy these kids as much as possible.... even though it is so hard at times.

    Good luck.

     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry,
    I hope the rest of your day has gone better. I know how it feels when it seems they save everything for you. Hugs to you.
     
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    I thought that singing while he was being defiant was a bit of humor but perhaps it was too little, too late.

    I also considered driving to school with-o giving him his medications but then he has "won," so to speak... he was in the car, he had the juice in his hands... 50% of the issue right there... but then the pill was the last straw and he flat out refused to take it. (Again.) He said I was changing the topic and conditions (say what? the medications are non-negotiable!) so I'm hoping, in a strange way, that it's not manipulation but perhaps Aspeberger's or something, where he takes every tiny thing literally. Eg., "If you get dressed and get in the car for school you can still go to the game," leaves out the step, "And take your pill."
    Never mind that I've told him to take his pill 10X b4 that... in THAT conversation, it wasn't included.
    Sigh.

    In re: to whether I escalated the whole thing, one of the reasons I left the car was, 1) he was defiant and totally uncooperative; 2) he clearly no longer had a headache and was stalling, as evidenced by the fact he got dressed and was in the car within 5 min. after I told him that it was conditional upon his attending the game; 3) I was getting upset and didn't want to escalate it.
    So much for THAT! LOL.

    Sorry if I didn't make that all clear in my initial note... I was under a bit of stress and may have left out a few things.

    Still, I appreciate your comments and will take them into consideration.

    The child psychiatric called and talked for quite a while. He said I have to create tighter, stricter parameters and no longer allow difficult child to earn back any rewards, iow, what we take away stays away as long as we say it's gone--if it's a month, then we can't remove one day at a time because difficult child has been good; the next time he blocks my way out of a door or physically assaults me (which I thought was under control but came pretty darn close today) I should call juv. intake (I really don't like that option, especially since I think we need more tests and diagnosis); and 3) we have to investigate whether difficult child is underdiagnosed and may be bipolar.

    There is no excuse for a child who threatens his mother (or anyone else, for that matter), regardless whether I escalated it.
    Still, I am willing to learn and I appreciate your comments. This is a great bb, especially since there is such an array of opinions and experiences.
    I can't WAIT for our appointment. with-the neuropsychologist next mo. (We've been on a long waiting list.)
    And I'm in it for the long haul, regardless of my fantasies about moving out or putting him on The Rack.

    by the way, my friend came over and stood next to me while I once again tried to get difficult child to take his pill and go to school. difficult child sat in the LaZyboy, pouted and wouldn't make eye contact. I repeated, "Time for your pill and for school!" in a chipper voice, and he grunted. Friend, in a deep, loud voice said, "Do what your mother says!"

    difficult child got up and did it.

    What does that tell you?
     
  13. kab

    kab New Member

    I am glad you enjoyed your weekend and am sorry to hear about your horrendous start today. you have gotten lots of good advice from those out there with more forum miles under their belt-my thoughts are with you and I hope you were able to get things under better control as the day wore on....
     
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, thank you.

    This a.m. was much better. husband stayed home until 7:30 a.m. and made sure difficult child was dressed and took his pill.
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Mikey, in re: to older kids, and how your difficult child would look at you like you were nuts if you tried some of these techniques, I was reading one of John Rosemond's books and he says they work as well on older kids, and the fact that they look at you like you're nuts is actually pretty funny. (Of course, you have to have nerves of steel, and not have a physically violent kid.)

    Once, difficult child denied using the bathroom, when he had missed the toilet and urinated all over the seat. I told him, "Well, in that in that case, it must have been aliens. You can sit with-me and wait for the aliens to show up and urinate on the toilet. I'd like to catch them in the act."
    He of course thought I was nuts but he still wouldn't clean the toilet. He said, "Okay," sat down next to me and waited... oh, 2 min.
    Then he got bored (that's the plan). He started to walk away and I said, "Wait! You'll miss out on the aliens!" He came back and sat down for another minute.
    Then he jumped up in exasperation and shouted, "FINE! I'll clean it up!"

    It works well to sit in the pkng lot of a store, too... if he won't behave or do whatever-it-is, I just sit there. As he opens the car door to leave, I remind him, "I've got the credit card and I'm staying here until you cooperate. Do you have any money?"
    Of course, he doesn't... so he comes back and apologizes or whatever.

    with-a teenager, the tools are more powerful... car keys, credit cards, clothes, electronics, etc. You can make them disappear. Forever. (The electronics, not the kid!:))

    difficult child will never, ever get his GameBoy back. He can buy his own when he's 18 and we've told him that. That worked really, really well for many weeks. The next time he acted up very badly, this post, in fact, the MP3 player went in hiding. It will be 3 strikes and you're out. He's on strike one right now. Strike 3 means he will never get another one.

    I hope that helps.
    It's good to have a plan... even though they fall through sometimes. :frown:
    Good luck!
     
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'>Here is what I suggest:
    Get a note from the psychiatrist allowing the school to administer the medications and have difficult child go to the nurse's office every morning before homeroom to take his medications. He is less likely to argue about taking it with them. </span>
     
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