I know I'm asking for trouble, but...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm a worrywart and difficult child of course is my favourite worry-topic. His season is about to end. After that they will have a few days drinking binge and after that their only true vacation time starts. Few weeks time to rest and heal injuries before they start off-season training first with the team and when independently in July and after that their pre-season starts. difficult child and his girlfriend plan to use last week of difficult child off time to take a beach vacation, they don't know yet where they are going but will book in last minute to somewhere warm. What I do worry is the time between season ending and them taking the trip. girlfriend will be extra busy with school to make a trip possible. difficult child will have nothing to do and the tradition is that team mates try to stay as far from each others as possible, because that is an only time they don't have to stand each other daily. So he will be alone and with nothing to do. I can see two big dangers there. Either he could party every night, sleep all day and make a total mess. Or he could just lie on the sofa and play CoD all day and night and mess his sleep patterns (they are the big problem) and seclude himself, not even leave the flat for anything but taking the dog out. And giving his recent issues I can easily see that ending up with him being too anxious to go out again and meet people when training starts and being really in trouble then.

    Another thing is our kitchen reno. It is in progress. And it will be in progress this time next year, if something doesn't change. We are using pros to do more difficult parts but decided to do a lot ourselves. husband is not at all hopeless with this kind of things neither am I. And father in law promised to help and he is really good with things like this. But for some reason husband has turned out to be incredibly busy. father in law comes here daily and does things, but a lot can not be done alone. I do help him after work but he does has his own activities during evenings.

    Let's add difficult child being short on money (he always is, after all, he really is a minimum wage pro athlete ;))

    Okay, my plan is to ask difficult child come home for the week or ten days or maybe even two weeks and offer to pay him few hundreds, if he will help father in law with reno. That way he would have more money for the trip with girlfriend. And he would need to wake up every morning at decent time, eat regularly, meet people (friends, relatives, people working with the reno etc.), I could make sure he gets out of the house daily etc. And difficult child has usually been good in helping father in law and isn't totally hopeless with tools. He has also in the past tended to behave better for father in law than for I or husband.

    As I stated in the title, I do know I'm asking for trouble:

    a) While husband and difficult child are in slightly better footing after difficult child's last trip to home, things are always in danger to get tense.

    b) difficult child is much more likeable afar. He really knows how to grate. He is having difficult time right now and that usually means he will behave insufferable way.

    c) If he doesn't keep his end of the bargain, it will likely cause trouble between me and husband. We will react differently and he will see me coddling difficult child again, I will see him being unreasonable. Especially when I wouldn't really expect difficult child working that hard. It is his only holiday after all. He needs to be able to spend some time also on sofa playing CoD.

    d) If we make clear contract of what is expected from difficult child he will surely start cutting corners and pushing it. He always does. If not making it so clear, he will likely work better but then there will be a lot of room for all kinds of conflicts over what he was supposed to do and what not. And we can count husband being irritated and trying to find fault, because he is irritated with me not being happy with how reno is going and husband's contribution to it.

    e) If difficult child is total brat he can even manage to anger father in law. (Okay, I'm not sure if even difficult child can manage to be that much of a brat.)

    f) Even in best case it will be walking on eggshells.

    Now, doesn't it sound like a perfect plan? :kickme:
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    JMO - feel free to ignore, but...

    I'd make TWO agreements... and maybe??
    1) talk with father in law, and get him onside. You want father in law to spend YOUR money :)... hiring difficult child to help father in law help YOU with the kitchen reno. (got that?)
    2) Then get father in law to talk to difficult child and make the arrangements...

    father in law and difficult child get along better than husband and difficult child...
    And given that moula ($$ etc.) is often a reasonable motivator for our difficult child kids...
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Maybe he needs part of that vacation time to decompress, to lay on the couch and play video games. HIs sleep patterns will get back tonormal on his vacation, plus he's young and can easily get his sleep pattern back. I know I need to do the eqivalent of that in the summer.

    on the other hand, it can't hurt to ask him about earning some extra money. But if he says no, tell him the offer's still there if he changes his mind. It might be stressfull a d he needs a stress free vacation.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'd pass. He has MEGA stress already and doesn't need the family mixed into the daily stress. Sorry...but I think you all need to be his "haven". Hugs DDD
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Would he maybe like to come home and help father in law if father in law asked him to spend time with him? Doesnt he have a really close relationship to him? Perhaps he would enjoy coming home and spending part of the day on the couch and part of the day helping father in law but it might move into more time with father in law over time probably and who is to know if you slip difficult child some cash on his way out the door...lol.
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Assuming father in law and husband buy into the idea before asking difficult child, it could be a win-win. Particularly if husband is really busy during that time, and isn't involved in the reno so much, father in law and difficult child could have some fun bonding time, plus it would really help move things along reno-wise.
    But all 3 parties (husband, father in law and difficult child) need to equally buy in to the idea - no wishy-washy-ness will do. If you sense any hedging on anyone's part, I'd back off of the idea.
    P.S. You have to post BEFORE and AFTER pictures of the kitchen, OK?!
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It also depends on what KIND of work is necessary at this point.

    Because... having survived two kitchen renos... I can tell you very honestly that the tear-down is much less stressful than the build-up. Getting it all in right is HIGH stress. But you're in the early stages, and if it's about ripping and tearing and pounding to bits... it can be quite an outlet!

    (do not ever again ask ME to help hang the cabinets... )
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    He really is very stressed and I certainly wouldn't like to cause him more stress. Work itself wouldn't be too stressful. It would be 'rougher' work and heavy lifting. And father in law is one of those very rare people who don't get upset and irritated even they are building or fixing something (I mean, he is probably only person in planet who doesn't swear and act upset when combine harvester brakes middle of the busiest harvesting time (like they always do) day before weather forecast tells that at least week long rains are starting. I could even let difficult child, when he was still quite young, go and help him with keeping light and handing tools when he was fixing combine even in that kind of situation. I know I would had been berserk, if it was me, but no father in law.) One thing making it less stressful would also be, that work would be done when I or husband are not home. That has been part of the problem now. father in law has time during days, but we are at work. During evenings father in law is busier and it is difficult to find times when we could be working with father in law (and there are quite a lot of stuff you would need two people.)

    I have made myself more available to help father in law, but I'm not too happy with husband's priorities on this. So it has ended with I and husband trying to do something you need two to do middle of the night so father in law could continue with next step next day alone. And as you probably guessed that causes whole lot of bickering. Neither husband or I have been blessed with father in law's nerves.

    If we would ask difficult child to help, it certainly would had to be with understanding that he is expected to give just few hours work a day and has every right to occupy couch a lot too. father in law is here usually around six hours a day so just working with father in law and helping him would leave difficult child a lot of time to do other things.

    Becoming a hermit has always been one of my big worries with difficult child. Social interaction is so difficult for him and he is prone to build up anxiety if he hasn't done something for some time. I see his former school truancy/refusal issues as big red flag for that. Then again when he gets himself moving, he is able to handle even very stressful things with more grace than I could. I mean, he is still young and still things like flight being late and missing the next flight and having to find an alternative, luggage being missing, being alone in the huge airport in the country which language he doesn't speak and all the hotels being full just cause him irritation instead of full-blown anxiety it would cause to many people. With him 'static friction' is always huge while 'kinetic friction' tends to be small. What I do worry is, that just laying on sofa longer periods could cause him to end up in state of 'static friction' and what I do hope is that keeping him slightly moving he stays in the state of 'kinetic friction.' Also his sleep issues are bad enough that unfortunately I don't think his sleep patterns would fix easily if they get even more messed up.

    The trip with girlfriend will probably consist mostly of rest. Luckily his girlfriend is a tanning type so they will most likely spend a lot of time just laying on the beach. And while tanning part doesn't really work with my pastry white, freckled whelp (whose gma died for skin cancer) he is smart enough to find a good parasol and sun cream with very high protection factor.

    IC, you are right that it could go better if father in law would be the one to ask him. I will have to talk with husband about this in length and if he is okay with the idea (and also with the part that difficult child would need to have time on the couch too and not be expected to help him and me with reno during evenings) I will talk with father in law about it.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, it cant hurt to ask. Maybe he is not even interested. If he agrees, i would have the agreement he ONLY work with father in law during the day. Period.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know this is a "little" off topic but if father in law starts to get a wandering eye......let me know! Geez he sounds like a Prince of a guy whose spouse likely doesn't deserve him. I'm not that great a "looker" any more but I really am quite nice by nature and I wouldn't mind being your back alley mother in law substitute. ............DDD :bigsmile:
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    DDD, LOL, i promise you that you will be first to know. :bigsmile:

    I do have to admit that I have wondered few times why those two have got and stayed together but I assume it is attraction of opposites. And of course mother in law can be very charming, when she wants to and I guess being together has been really convenient for both of them. mother in law has taken care of home front and kids and father in law has always been extremely busy out of home and I'm sure has appreciated clean home, good food and well behaving children (mother in law really has raised five successful kids who are all also decent people, so I really shouldn't have much leg to criticize her parenting (I do however, I really hate how she keeps favourites and tries to cause drifts between her kids at times, because I like all of them.)) Before retirement father in law was not only part time farmer (keeps you very busy) but also full time University professor (tends to keep people busy too.) And he has found ways to keep himself busy also after retiring. He still gives class a two now and then and while the plan was to rent fields to some other farmer after his retirement because originally none of his kids were interested of continuing family farm just before he retired one of husband's sisters got together with local organic farmer and soon decided that she got enough of crazy hours in corporate law and found it a bright idea to trade that to even crazier hours of organic farming. Of course EU bureaucracy for any kind of farming but especially organic makes it very advisable to be a lawyer before even considering becoming a farmer... So while father in law got rid of some of form filling he probably does as much actual farming he did before he retired (and if our reno is not ready before spring works start, it will be wip till November because of that) in helping her. And he is board member of about ten different clubs and associations (that all have lots of board meetings etc. this month because of our association laws and that's why he doesn't have time to our reno in evenings) so it is not that he would be much home with mother in law any way. But still, it is a little odd marriage when they are so very different in many ways.

    father in law is total treasure, but I always have a bad concious because he helps us so much. For example this reno. And we can't even pay him. Or we could, but most likely that amount of money (or even little extra to round it out) would mysteriously find it's way to difficult child's and easy child's bond fund shares. So I'm currently trying to find some nice hunting or fishing holiday father in law would enjoy for next fall. And a spa or something nearby so also mother in law could go and be kept occupied.

    But back to topic. I talked with husband and he liked an idea. Both maybe getting reno moving and keeping difficult child little bit active during his break. Now if father in law does want difficult child to help we have to wait till his season and traditional drinking binge after that is over and ask if he is interested.
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Darn! I had already nixed this plan. I'm simply too stressed right now and that adds just so much more possibilities of failure that it just begun to feel a very bad idea. Unfortunately difficult child decided otherwise. His season is over and he just called me and told that he and girlfriend are coming for a visit for Sunday and Monday and he plans to stay at least next week, while girlfriend goes back.

    if he is going to be here, it will likely be less stressful to actually ask him to help father in law and promise to pay him some than just wait and see if he wants to help on his own and how much and when. And again, I'm certainly not telling him that he couldn't come home.

    I'm thinking of these expectations:
    Up and on his second mug of coffee when father in law comes around 9 a.m. Helping father in law with the ways father in law needs him, till father in law calls it a day (usually around 3 p.m.) but if difficult child has something special planned and can't, it's okay, just to tell father in law beforehand so he can plan work so that difficult child's absence isn't a big inconvenience. No need to help with reno during evenings when me or husband are on it. I think that if he does not specially ask, I will let it up to air how much we will pay him, just say that we will pay him a little towards his and girlfriend's vacation trip. That way we can pay what we want, if we have to make a clear deal, we have to be more precise with the expectations too and I don't feel that is a good idea.